All comics by Vaelen

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by Vaelen
5-30-03
Hey, BS, Nomos wanted me to tell you that he needs to talk to you about something.
Really? Where is he?
He's waiting for you over at the corner of Sorrow and 93rd.
Hmmm, I wonder what he could want...
One hour later...
Hahahahahahahaha!!!
Not...a....single...word...

 

by Vaelen
1-29-05
One battle-field evening in Ravenblack City...
...A lot of liars on the other side of the war there, aren't there?
Dagnabbit, everyone else is getting all the attention! I better say something witty.
Such a statement from the Necro Queen... aren't you mummified?
To be continued
Ahhh, fiddlesticks! Why won't she pay attention to me?

 

by Vaelen
1-29-05
(continued)
Hmph!
Oh look, it's Lucius with his token "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" comments.
Oh, yeah?! Hold on a second...
!
To be continued...
Lessee...adjective...ahhh that's a good one...noun...yes, this will work.
?

 

by Vaelen
1-29-05
continued...
Vaelen, you manic-depressive cockroach!
"manic depressive cockroach"? "vomitous Arkansas monkey?" You're using a Mad Libs Insults book, aren't you?
Ummm...errr...no.
Is this guy for real?
To be continued...
!

 

by Vaelen
1-29-05
continued...
I wonder what the heck his deal is, anyway?
?
Don't look at me. I'm just a monkey.
Fin
!
Mmmmm, bananas!

 

by Vaelen
8-29-06
We've programmed one robot with the entire archive of "The Nitty Gritty", and another with the "Grimoire". Let's see what happens....
Thanks to the Nitty Gritty, my logic processors are tingling with joy!
Does not compute...does not compute...does not compute...
The Nitty Gritty: Robot-friendly.
Does not compute...does not compute... does... not... com---

 

by Vaelen
8-29-06
Hi, I'm Yorgie, from the Nitty Gritty, and I'm here with a ninja to ask him what he thinks about the Nitty Gritty. Mr. Ninja, how do you like the Nitty Gritty?
The Nitty Gritty? I love it! The interviews are always informative and they ask the questions I'd want to ask.
That's great!
Yes, and I especially love the cracker jack reporting skills of the fine columnists there as well. They always give the whole story.
Well there you have it. Ninjas love the Nitty Gritty!
Absolutely. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to kill someone.

 

by Vaelen
8-29-06
Meet Jauk, the chief editor of the Nitty Gritty:
Like the cycle of love, poop has a beginning and an end with a few phases in between. First there is consumption; you devour a subject with hungry eyes...
!?
...The most blissful phase some might say, though others believe it is the last stage of this cycle that feels the best. The taste, the feel...
The Nitty Gritty: Poop is Love
...Next comes digestion, a process that can either go smoothly or terribly. Does it feel good going down? Well it's too late to stop it now if it doesn't...

 

by Vaelen
8-29-06
But AQel...
*sigh* Not tonight Cappy, I have a headache.
You had a headache last night!
Look, I just have a lot going on right now.
It's because I'm a ghost, isn't it?

 

by Vaelen
8-29-06
How could you plagiarise other people's work? That's wrong!
I am complete... completely... completely...original... Dagnabit!
Line?
I am completely original, you just don't know what you're talking about.
!
I am completely original, you just don't know what you're talking about.

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
Well, I guess this is the place. I can't wait to do my first interview for the Nitty Gritty. I get to question a Capadocian Dojo recruit!
Hmmm, this looks like an odd place for an interview. Oh, that must be him...
To be continued...
!

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
!
Wht r u lukin at?! U goin to inteerview me or wht?
Oh, uh, sure. What made you decide to go into the Capadocian dojo?
Wel, I wantid too be in the kewlest clan arund. Yeah, we kik ass!!!!11111
Fin
Ok, I'm done here.
Wher u goin, u frayd? Yeah, u no it!!!111 Caps rule!!!!111111

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
One day while playing WoW...
I wish I could quit you.
You're not getting my Sulfurus, Hand of Ragnaros, Randal.
Dave in here?
Don't bother...it's not working.
Damn.

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
For those of you who didn't understand the first one...
I love you, man.
You're not getting my Sulfurus, Hand of Ragnaros, Randal.
Dave in here?
Don't bother...it's not working.
Yes...we know that major weapons become soulbound once you pick them up. *kicks brother* It's still funny.
Damn.

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
So...Dave...how's it goin?
I will not give you 100 gp so you can start an elf slave smuggling ring.
I wouldn't do that. That would be very very wrong.
I will not give you 100 gp so you can start a troll slave smuggling ring either.
Damn, another blow to the spirit of free enterprise.
Now dance for me, elven temptress!

 

by Vaelen
8-31-06
Stop, evil doer!
!
Wait, didn't I just catch you stealing someone else's purse?
No, that was Karl.
When skins are used too much.
Were you the one I caught trying to break into the store?
No that was Ted.

 

by Vaelen
1-09-07
One evening at the Splinters' super-secret hideout...
Ok, this meeting of the Splinters of Dusk will now come to order. If you're here, please raise your hand.
What are you all doing on the floor?
The holy water burned our legs so bad, we can't move them.
Well, as long as you can still move your arms to throw holy water back at them.
Stay there, so I can choke your ankle.

 

by Vaelen
1-15-07
One evening at the Capadocian Castle...
Hey, I have a great idea, Cap. Let's all play hide and seek. You turn around and count to 30, and we'll all go hide.
Sure! That sounds like great fun!
Heh, sucker.
1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi...
Five hours later...
Damn, those are some great hiding spots! Where are you guys?

 

by Vaelen
1-15-07
Prince Capadocious makes an announcement to his clan...
My fellow Capadocians...you may have heard about the departure of thirty of our brethren. Please allow me to ease your fears.
...Everything is fine, and there is absolutely nothing to worry about. I am still in complete control...
...The city still trembles at our feet. The Capadocian Clan has always and will continue to be a force to be reckoned with.

 

by Vaelen
1-15-07
An interview with Vaelen...
Hi I'm Yorgie, here with Vaelen, well-known for his popular, albeit scathing, comics on the Nitty Gritty. Vaelen, thanks for being here.
Hi Yorgie, it's my pleasure.
Vaelen, your comics are often highly critical of powerful people in the city. Do you ever worry about their reaction?
Oh, no, not at all. I figure we're all big enough to take a little criticism.
Besides, it's all harmless fun.
*ahem* Excuse me, are you Vaelen?

 

by Vaelen
1-16-07
Infomercial: Getting Rich Quick, by Lesion
Hi everyone, my name is Lesion, and I used to be an average, run-of-the-mill vampire, just like all of you.
That is, until I came up with my foolproof system for making thousands of coins in two easy steps.
Step One: Find a mark.
Hmmmm, I know I was supposed to take all this money somewhere, but I can't remember where. Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me eventually.
Step Two: Take their money.
HEY! Give me back my money!
See? It's that easy!

 

by Vaelen
1-16-07
One average evening in the Ravenblack chat channels...
ZOMG! *RUN, JUMP, TACKLE, GLOMP*
ZOMG! *RUN, JUMP, BOUNCE OFF WALL, FLIP, TACKLE, GLOMP*
The world is an unending circle of pain and emptiness.
ZOMG! WHERE ARE THE CHICKS AT?!?!?! A/S/L?!
THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD! THIS IS A FLOOD!
Oh, God, please kill me now.

 

by Vaelen
1-19-07
The first time...
Hi, I'm back!
Wow! Hey everyone, Cap's back!!!
The second time...
Hi, I'm back!
Hey, Cap, long time no see. How's it going?
The third time...
Hi, I'm back!
Whatever.

 

by Vaelen
1-19-07
So I hear Sartori finally got that surgery he's been talking about?
Yeah, you should see him.
Hey, guys.
Holy crap, was that...
Yep. LOOKING GOOD, SAR!

 

by Vaelen
1-19-07
Hey, Vaelen, you look down. Are you ok?
Yeah, I'm just bored, and I can't seem to come up with any ideas for a new comic.
Well, instead of writing about the city, why don't you try writing about something you know?
Hmmmmm, that's a good idea. Instead of writing about the city...write about something I know.
Wait, what?! You jerk!

 

by Vaelen
1-19-07
HAH! Look what we have here, a little gnome! I shall tear your head off and drink your blood! I shall OWN your very soul! Nay, I shall OMGWTFPWN your very soul!
I shall... wait, where'd you go?
Ow
Rogue FTW, L2Play, noob.

 

by Vaelen
1-26-07
A funeral in the Ravenblack City Graveyard...
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to pay our last respects to the unlife of Jimmher...
Wait, I'm not dead yet!
What? I have a certificate here that says you're "dead and buried".
Well, I am, but...
Right, so be silent. *kicks him* Now, where was I? We are gathered here to pay our last respects...
!

 

by Vaelen
1-26-07
Glory, glory, hallelujah...
Behold my glory.
Praise be unto heaven! Oh, Lord, why do you grace me with your most holiest presence?
I would ask that you do something for me. A small task.
Oh, anything, Lord, just name it. Do you wish me to travel to the most savage lands of the world, spreading your word? Would you have me give all my worldly possessions to the poor and needy?
Nay. Actually, can you get me a pair of pliers? These nails are killing me!
!

 

Ravenblack City: Legal Same-Sex Bindings Since 5/6/2004
I wish I could quit you.
!
by Vaelen, 2-06-07

 

by Vaelen
2-22-07
...
...?
...!
Ow.
...attention whores.

 

by Vaelen
1-23-08
Tonight's top story: the Capadocian Clan is reuniting!
What?! I've seen this one before!
This is where they reform the Cap Clan, but Heimdag and Lucius have a falling out with Capadocious.
Damn writer's strike. I hate re-runs.

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