All comics by WHELTON

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by WHELTON
8-01-03
The meeting.
Hi there, I'm Jon.
Hello Jon. I should tell you that you're not my type, sorry.
You're short, you have dorky hair and though you seem nice, I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
Whew. And I thought it was because I'm black-and-white.
It's because he's black-and-white.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
So, how bout this. Then let's be friends. For real. You can talk to me about anything and I won't hit on you -- I swear!
So I can go into graphic detail about the men I'm with, and how often I sleep with them, and how they're nothing like you? Sure, let's be friends.
Sweet! A woman that finally respects me! Glad to be your new friend, let's go watch an arthouse movie together.
One of the "nice guys," I see.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Well, that was a great movie. I'm sure she liked it. But does she like me, that's the question!
God, do those artsy-fartsy movies ever end?
I tried to make her as comfortable as possible. I even went to get her Milk Duds. But was that too clingy of me?
I mean, come on. They think they're so smart, they don't need things like "plot cohesion" or "excitement" in their movie.
And we've been standing here in silence. She's probably evaluating me right now. I bet she's thinking terrible thoughts of me RIGHT THIS SECOND!
On the other hand, the Milk Duds were good.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Say, you never did tell me your name.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. I've taken you to two art movies, I washed your car for you, and I changed your septic tank.
Oh.
So, what's your name...?
I better not say until after he retiles my bathroom floor. Sigh, I'm going to hell for this aren't I...

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Well, thanks again for the retiling, Jon. Gotta go, I'll call you later.
Ok, cool, talk to you later. I'll tell you about this big date I'm having tonight.
BRENDA! My name's Brenda! Nice to meet you, Jon! Let's go for coffee.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Hmm... I'm totally not interested in John as anything but a friend, but the moment I hear he's on a date, I suddenly change around him!
Am I a bad person? Am I jealous over people I have no right to be jealous of? I need something to take my mind off of this.
Hey there, babe. What are ya doin tonight?
This will do.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Jon's big date.
So, uh, um, "Candy" is it?
Yep, 'cuz men just eat me right up honey!
Right. Well, isn't there nothing better than looking at the stars on a clear night...
&^%# the stars, if I wanna see lights I go to Vegas! Hell, Vegas, let's go!
I'm guessing you aren't expected at church in the morning.
The Church of Elvis? You wanna get married? Well alright, but it's my fifth one this year!

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Well, Vegas sure was fun, but listen Candy, I better hit the road and --
Hold on there honey, you can't leave your wife out here in the desert!
I'm guessing this happened after my twelfth "Tequila Fannybanger."
I'll go ask for their honeymoon suite.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Well, my date with that guy certainly was another disaster. What's with all the psychos I meet?
I thought he was cute, but he ran some weird barracks for something called "Project Mayhem." And I think he had split-personality disorder.
Could I meet any bigger of a freak?!?
Hi there, my name is Gabe. Wanna play Knights of the Old Republic?

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
... so both those guys were TOTAL WEIRDOS. Ok, I've gone on long enough. How did your date go, Jon?
Umm..
Don't worry, I took care of that hussy. She should know better than to glance in your direction.
It was kind of a weird date too, now that you ask.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Oh Maura, what can I do... why do I have such terrible luck with guys? All my dates lately have been with complete psychos...
... and my one male friend had to sign a document yesterday declaring himself the property of Zelda, the green-haired stripper!
Makes you wonder why there aren't mail-order husbands, too.
A guy who you spend all your money on and he winds up leaving you anyway? Been there, done that, honey.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Oh Lord... how can I get out of being a slave to my Vegas bride, Zelda the green-haired stripper?
You must suffer as I have, son... in fact, it is time for you to suffer again.
YAAARRRRRR!!!!
I think he might have impaled my kidney.
Pwned.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Oh cheer up, hubby of mine.. there are worse things than being my pleasure slave.
Yeah? Like what?
I could have sold you to Vern the Twitchy Clown if I wanted to.
Ooh, gotta get me some of that.
I'll be cowering in the corner if you need me.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Psst... Jon!
Huh? Brenda?
I just sedated Zelda, your wife-slash-owner, and broke into your cell! This is a rescue, let's get out of here!
But she's so... good for me... I am at home here, this is where I belong...
Uh-oh.. Stockholm Syndrome. I guess Mr. B&W here will have to meet Ms. Chloroform too.
Sometimes, when I'm good, she'll even let me shave her underarm!

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
... and then, after an all-night deprogramming session, he finally came back to reality, and got his marriage to Zelda annulled!
That's good of you, sweetie. So are you going to date him?
Ewww, no. Are you kidding? He was some stripper's slave.
That's ok. I'll give him a call tonight.
Er, really? Are you sure? What's the appeal?
It's hard to find a man who's already broken in.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Hey, whuzzup, dude-ette. hey, I heard you know my bud Jon, have you seen him around?
Yeah. He's out with my friend Maura right now.
Jon! No way, man! He's on an actual date!
If you think that's weird, get this: He was even married! Hmm, I wonder whatever happened to Zelda...
Oh yeah, baby... you know how I like it.
Ok, but if this is another bounced check, I won't be getting NEAR your in-grown toenail again, Vern.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
ROFL N00B!! I OWNZE|2D J00 LAST NIGHT FOO! LOLOL
WTF IZ WRONG WID UR LAM3 CAMPING A$$? I DEAGLED UR GHEY A$$ SO MANY TIMES, LMAO!
I dunno what's worse.. that squirrels use l33t-speek, or that they beat me in Counterstrike.
O, AND U WHINED "WALLHACK"! AHAHA Y DON'T I CALL TEH WHAAAAMBULANCE?! LOLOL ^---^

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
So, Jon, I got a new job and... huh? Who are you? Where's Jon? We have a scene to do!
Oh, I'm the understudy. Whenever the second person in the strip is unavailable, I stand in for them.
So where exactly...
In the bathroom. He had Taco Bell last night. He should be out sometime tomorrow.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
So, uh, "Jon," or Jon's understudy, or whatever... so I got a new job, and I think I'm attracted to my boss... what should I do?
Is his head as large as the rest of his body? If so, I'd tap that ass, honey.
I can't work like this. I'm in the comic-strip-character union, hello???
Oh yeah, I'm sure you get the same representation as Mike Doonesbury. STFU, yer in the minors, honey!

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Excuse me, I'm looking for someone named "Jon." I have a... uh, surprise for him.
Ohhh. Uh, sure, he's right over that way...
At last, I find "Jon," controller of the demon voices in my head. Let the exorcism begin.
Well, I was worried about my late rent payment... I guess it's a non-issue now.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Hello.
Sup.
I know you're trying to scare me, but I'm single. In this town.
And you've dated even bigger freaks than me... gotcha. (sigh)

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Wow... that Brenda chick is really cool. She's not even scared of me. Should I call her?
Well, let's see what the voices in my head have to say. Hello, guys? Lucifer? Baalzebub? Are you there? Hello?
Great. Even the voices in my head don't have a clue when it comes to women.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Woah. What the heck happened to you?
This psycho killer chopped me into pieces...
Apparently, he was after some guy named "Jon," and someone told him Jon was me.
I guess I should a slight amount of guilt for this. ... Nah, screw it. Hahaha, what a chump.
I hope whomever did that feels guilty.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Thanks for helping to put me together again.
No sweat.
Ok, I feel really guilty about this... I was the one who told the serial killer that you were me. I was just trying to save my own hide.
Nah, it's cool. People are routinely having me killed. You actually had a reason... I appreciate that.
I see.

 

by WHELTON
8-01-03
Oh, Lord, please make it so people stop cutting me into pieces!
Just a sec... ok, repeat what you just said to my, uh, "representative" here.
YAAAARRRRRR!!!!
^%$#. Not again.
LOL. Pwned x 2.

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
So, Maura I... oh &^@$, not you again.
Maura's, er, "indisposed" so they called me, the understudy again.
So what's her excuse, anyway?
She was tending bar for these biker dudes last night.
Well I don't see how that would keep her from coming into work today.
She was using her body as the "bar."

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
So, Maura, I was thinking about asking out my boss... do you think that's stupid?
No, not at all. In fact, you two can go out on a double date with Jon and me.
I assume your "bartending" for those bikers the other night should not be a topic of conversation.
You assume correctly.

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
The double date.
So, Larry, how's it working out between you and my friend tonight?
I dunno. It's too soon to tell. Brenda's a nice girl. How about you two?
How may I please you now, my Mistress?
Oh, it's working out great, just great.
Interesting friends you have there.
Just don't ask her to "serve you drinks."

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
Hey there, Mr. Sticks.
Captain Incredible!! Somebody burned down my building! Are you here to save the day?
Well, in a sense I already have, Mr. Sticks. You see, I was the one who torched your building. Unfortunately, the primary target escaped.
But, well hey! here comes the lynch mob now. Yes, the day will be "saved," indeed.
Well they're all carrying torches, and chanting my name! I feel like a rockstar!

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
Hi. I'm really attractive and famous.
Me too. Let's make a movie together and fall in love.
It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble.
The Limbo Players present: A rendition of "Gigli"
I'm &^#@ never workin with you again, h0.
You either, asshole. Get bent.

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
The Limbo Players present: "Lara Croft 2"
Woohoo! I am so sexy as I jet around the world trying to find stuff.
Even sexier than that Angelina Jolie has-been.
We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. We apologize for the inconvenience.
Cut! cut! CUT!!! Maura...
What? What?!? That's in the script, I swear!

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
Hmm. Hope she calls.
Hmm. Hope she calls.
The Limbo Players present: "A Friday night at Jon's place."
Hey! This is not an act! What the ^$#%, get out of my house!!!

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
Hey, uh... what are YOU doing here?
Uh oh. Looks like EVERYBODY is out sick today.
I wonder if it had anything to do with my "special" Kool-aid I made yesterday. Guess we understudies have to carry it today...
Quick, we gotta think up a gag!
Have you ever had foodstamps?
Yeah, they taste like crap!

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
May I help you?
Hey, uh... is Brenda home? Who are you? You're her boyfriend, aren't you?!? I'll be right back, gotta get something from the car...
Hey Brenda, your friend is giving us a set of steak knives! How thoughtful!
Sometimes, my job is just too easy.

 

by WHELTON
8-04-03
Oh wow, Sex and the City has to be the greatest series ever. Don't you agree, honey?
Contrary to popular belief, the successful relationship is NOT based on honesty.
It is steeped in LIES.
Um... yeah, dear... that Carrie - Jack Berger relationship left me in tears..

 

by WHELTON
8-05-03
i r teh ownz u, n00b
ROFL WTF EVAH FOO, 3Y3 FUX0RD J00 WID TEH RAILGUN, LMAO
stfu, u r teh suq. ur fat mom playzor better tehn u, btw thank her for last night 4 me plz
OMGWTFLOL GTFO LOOZE|2, JOO SUXXORZ SO MUCH J()() R ON TEH COVER OF SUXXOR MAGAZINE!!!11 KTHXBYE
Next on Animal Planet: The secret language of squirrels. Does it mean anything?
Not really.

 

by WHELTON
8-05-03
Man, oh, man, I do love cake. I can't eat enough.
Me too. I just wish more bathrooms had 'em.
You were talking about urinal cakes, right?

 

by WHELTON
8-08-03
... when we will then take you to the Colorado courthouse where Bryant will hear the latest lies and "victimology" propaganda levied against him...
... by some prima donna homewrecker of a ho, and the liberal feminists bankrolling her operation. Boo! Hate them! Hate them!
FoxNews: Fair and balanced coverage of the Kobe Bryant case.

 

by WHELTON
8-08-03
... and FoxNews would like to take a moment to introduce you to our latest anchor / spokesmodel, Jenny Hedd...
A four-time starlet of latenight Cinemax movies, Jenny joins us at the behest of her rich, 70-year-old husband... Jenny?
Thanks, Neil... I hope to bring nothing but integrity to our news. woah, my skin STILL feels tight over my new breats, tee-hee!
Too bad both my hands are full.

 

by WHELTON
8-08-03
Next on FoxNews: The plight of LA's beach girls. Are they too exposed to UV radiation? We'll let YOU be the judge!
That's it, I'm changing it.
... and we return to CNN's roundtable discussion of the Kobe Bryant case.
Supporting Kobe, we have Jeff, Mike, Tyrone and Lance... opposed, we have Samantha, Jen, Carla and Wendy.

 

by WHELTON
8-11-03
Say, have you heard about the porn stars who are organizing to reelect the President and Vice-president?
Nope. That seems sort of bizarre... Republican porn stars? What about them?
They're calling their campaign "Dick n Bush '04"!!

 

by WHELTON
8-11-03
Hello, readers of stripcreator.com. My name is Brenda. I would like to take the time to apologize for an inappropriate comic..
"Namely, this one:"
Nope. That seems sort of bizarre... Republican porn stars? What about them?
They're calling their campaign "Dick n Bush '04"!!
We at Three-panel Limbo are dedicated to only the highest levels of class and integrity, and will never allow that kind of thing again. Truly.
Hey there, dude-ette. Heard the one about the nun, the rabbi and the Episcopalian bishop?

 

by WHELTON
8-21-03
Ahh, nothing like settling down with a cold brew. I'm in a good mood!
Say, do you ever stop to think that you could never, ever, in your entire lifetime, get a date from Angelina Jolie?
Thanks a lot, asswipe. Now I have to go start a bar fight.

 

by WHELTON
8-21-03
Say, Maura, don't you ever wonder what guys talk about when they get together?
Oh, I've overheard it plenty of times, sweetie.
I think that if I added on another 512 megs of RAM, I should be able to get Planetside to work right on my machine.
Dude, I can't believe you still use Intel and non-DDR RAM. By the way, play as Vanu... the hovertank rocks!
Lemme guess: chicks and football, right?
I wish.

 

by WHELTON
8-21-03
Hail, citizen! Collecting this day's federally disseminated "mail" deliveries, eh?
Captain Incredible!!
You may be interested to know that there was one of those antrax letters still in the mail system. Luckily, I intercepted it just in time and forwarded it away! To a more suitable destination...
"Are you afraid? Death to America. Death to --" What the hey?

 

by WHELTON
3-05-04
Brenda, as you know, things have been a little slow around here business-wise.
I've hired a consultant to work on our business flow situation. He said he can "actualize" a new "paradigm" for us.
You do know this is just a coffee shop... right?
Shut up and actualize me a double latte, or your paradigm will involve unemployment.

 

by WHELTON
3-05-04
Consumers in today's hot-brew-relatated beverage industry seek a more comforting coffee-related environment for their expenditures.
Come again?
The well-potentialized barista must conceptualize a more enticing representation of both herself and the organization to the busy customer.
Apparently, now I am actualizing my potential.
Damn. I gotta hire that guy more.

 

by WHELTON
3-13-04
Wright goes to the therapist.
I dunno doc.. it seems like wherever I go, women reject and ignore me.. it gets so depressing.
Um, can you excuse me one moment? I'll be right back.

 

by WHELTON
3-13-04
Whuzzup, dawg.
Sup, foo', whatcho doin'
Just chillin' and thrillin', my homey
I'm down wid dat, for shizzo
Note: Neither of these guys are black. Nor will they ever be.
Hey, fuck you man. We got the urban spirit.
Yeah! We listen to Eminem!

 

by WHELTON
3-13-04
Well, we got to the bar in one piece.. but there's nowhere to sit! We need a table.
See that table with those girls? I'll be right back.
Wow, those girls cleared out fast. What did you say to them?
"Hi."

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