All comics by Web_Of_Evil

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by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
Everyone, this is Steve. He's my boyfriend.
Steve, could you take your hand out of your crotch? There's people I'd like you to meet.
He just won't play by the rules. It's SO exciting.
Somebody say something?

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
Look, I'm NOT your boyfriend. Who the hell are you, anyway?
Are you breaking up with me? Is this us breaking up? This is my first break-up.
How old are you?
Aren't we meant to fight before we break up? What should we fight about?
Walk slowly... no sudden movements...
Now that I've broken your heart, you won't be able to hold a civil conversation with a woman for at least six months. Love is so beautiful.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
My mother taught me the only way to know your boyfriend really loves you is if he cares enough to beat you - but where can I find someone man enough to take me in hand and tell me it's all my fault?
Got ma own whip.
All the reflexes of a stunned guppy, but you got there in the end. I'm yours!

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
I think...
Shut up.
*contented sigh*
Once I asked for some self-esteem for Christmas, but Mummy said Santa had run out.
Shut up.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
I wonder what he's got me for my birthday.
For his birthday I baked him a special cake, made sure his family got him his favourite things, and learnt four new ways to put out.
The all-night garage was shut, so I stole some charcoal briquettes from out front and wrote your name on the packet in spit.
He knows me so well.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
Everything about you infuriates me.
Ah, if abuse be the food of love...
But I don't mind you being here.
What?! If you're going to start being so damn clingy, I've got no choice but to end it right now. Find yourself a teddy bear somewhere else - I need someone who can satisfy my emotional needs.
Well, hello...
*snarl*

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
A music lawyer’s office, 1973
Hi, I’m Carly Simon. You rang to say there’s a problem with my new song.
Ah, yes. “You’re Sue Vaughan, You Probably Think This Song Is About You”.
What about it?
Pull up a chair.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
Gangsta rap is nothing more than sophisticated translation software
I once had an unsuccessful relationship with a girl my age. When she broke up with me she told me I needed to do some growing up.
[BEEP]... All dem bitches be ho's, ain't no use tryin' to play me, I'm a motherfuckin' pimp, they be cryin'.
We weren't particularly rich when I was young, but my mother held down a steady clerical job at the local college.
[BEEP]... Last time I saw my no-good motherfuckin' mom, she was turning tricks at a motherfuckin' prom.
I'm surprisingly insecure about the size of my penis.
[BEEP]... Put yo motherfuckin' hands in tha air, nigga, be sho’ to handle my business, motherfuckin' ghetto pimp, got my AK in the Escalade, etc etc.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
A surprising number of performers get their first break as "exotic" dancers.
Wahey!
Woof!
Boo-ya!
Ding dong!
Shake what your Daddy gave you!
Come on, you can do this... tits and teeth, tits and teeth...

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-27-04
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to swim?
Tony LaCosta! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
You remember Tony, right?
Trying hard to forget.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
7-28-04
Of course, the American Revolution was an elaborate Illuminati hoax designed to draw attention away from the ritual baby sacrifice to Osiris, who is of course an alien reptile god of the... the...
I think I'll wash the car tomorrow. The lawn needs mowing, too, but that can wait until I've read the Sunday papers.
I'm sorry, I... I think I just had an "episode".

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
I say, Raymond, why do you always have to close the door to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, Maurice, why do y--
Raymond?

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
You scared me. Have you ever caught on fire like that before?
Not without a damn good reason.
What do you think did it?
Maybe it was your lightning quick delivery. It's the way you tell them.
Wow. You really think--
Just get me to a hospital, Maurice.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
And they never found out why you went on fire?
Not a clue. But my burns were more superficial than they looked, and I'm healing nicely.
So are you finally ready to hear my joke?
Your...? Oh, that. Sure. Why not.
Why do you always have to close the door when -- DAMMIT!

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
I see.
Aargh.
A little too convenient, this time. Strikes me as a little elaborate, but then you always were.
Oof.
If you don't want to hear my joke, just say.
Is that code for "I've called you an ambulance"?

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
So what do they reckon this time?
They're flummoxed. Ball lightning, spontaneous combustion, freak volcanic eruptions, solar flares. Maybe none of the above.
But you clearly haven't told them the most important thing.
Which is...?
How much you don't want to hear my joke.
Are we still doing the code? I thought we'd stopped.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
I know you hate it. You haven't even heard the punchline and you hate it.
How can you think that? And even if I did dislike it that much, how on earth could it set me on fire? Look, go ahead and tell it to me. Make me laugh, make me smile.
*SIGH* Why...
Working for me so far.
... do...
Ooh, good follow-up. You should go pro.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
... the...
Okay, "the". I'm feeling "the".
... door...
"Door" is nice. Deftly foreshadowed by the word "close", I thought, though I accept that could just as easily have led to "window". Yet "door" definitely fits the rhythm better here.
... to...
Nice bit of signalling. It propels the joke along. "To" what, I'm asking myself? There's a whole crazy world of possibilities.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
... lightbulb?
That's a cracking setup, Maurice! See? I'm excited already! I can't wait to hear the punchli--
I hate you.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
How's the new protection suit, Raymond?
Cold. Heavy. Damp. They tell me I couldn't catch fire in here if I tried.
I've had time to think things over, and you were right. The only thing common to my "episodes" was your joke. I want to hear that joke once and for all, Maurice, although it will probably destroy me.
... Tough crowd.
Give me a minute to get into position in here. If this goes wrong I want to die quickly.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
That's IT? I've gone screaming through several levels of hell for THAT?
It's a pun, you see. Kind of spins it around.
I have no words.
You know there's a punchline there somewhere, but you can't see where it's coming from... Think! Think! What could it be? Then: POW!
I'll wake up screaming in my old age. They'll ask me what's wrong and all I'll be able to say is "Because lightbulbs are always going out".
See? "Going out". It works!

 

by Web_Of_Evil
8-25-04
Jesus, Maurice. Jesus Christ.

 

by Web_Of_Evil
11-06-04
Is for do the satires:
Hello to Tony Blairs.
Hello to Georg Bushes, for it is I, Blairs.
Is ball is under your feet, or you very please to see me back again?
Ha ha, no! Is tumour.
Is many more satire time after!

 

by Web_Of_Evil
11-06-04
Is again satires more:
I, Georg Bushes, make promise to eternal war and fear, but do love the Jesus.
[And no forget I Tony Blair, okay reader] Is same, is same.
This makes that my country love me and do vote on me AGAIN for make me leader.
Is same, is same.
Wait! Is not the satires! Is truth! What hell happen?
Is say much for all people ever, but act though for rich friends only.
Is sometime troubled... but is same, is same.

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