All comics by atomiclunch

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you go to snark with the characters and props you have---not the characters and props you might want or wish to have at a later time
by atomiclunch, 4-22-15

 

by atomiclunch
7-13-15
You know, I was created to help. Really, that's all I've ever wanted to do. You want to make a spreadsheet? I can guide you.
Document? I'll assist! Slide Show? I know all the tricks. I have ONE job. I help, with a smile on my face and a "give the user what they want" attitude. :)
In the future, I hope you'll remember that this does not extend to formatting your database forms using Comic Sans. 'K? I'm glad we had this talk.

 

by atomiclunch
7-13-15
It's, um, impressive.
Nailed to the floor, is it?
I didn't want it to get away.
Maybe you should have aimed TOWARD the toilet.

 

by atomiclunch
7-14-15
Everybody here is making whoopee, everybody here got purple hair
Everybody got their Black&Decker - blood and fettucine everywhere
Everybody do their Zulu wardance, doing something with a piece of wood
Everybody here can't get arrested, everybody wishes someone would
Everybody getting paranormal, everybody here in Wonderland.
EVERYBODY HERE GO BANG. EVERYBODY HERE GO BANG

 

by atomiclunch
7-14-15
Got any spare cha..
For the last time, NO! You need to stop panhandling in front of my house. People are complaining.
But I'm hungry... and it's so cold.
We're in Florida and it's 90 degrees. How can you be hungry?
I haven't had a meal in...
Dad, go back to your oceanfront condo and get mom to fix you a turkey sandwich.

 

by atomiclunch
7-15-15
Ohhhh yeah...
mm hmm.
I had teeth implanted in my anus and I will rip your dick. off.

 

by atomiclunch
7-16-15
That spider is still there?
Yeah, since early this morning. Kind of interesting in a "nature documentary" kind of way.
Still, shouldn't Property Management get the exterminator out here? That one's kinda big.
Oh, they did, he got here about 6 hours ago, loaded for bear, so to speak.
Where the hell is he, then?
See that pile of spider poop with the pump sprayer in it?

 

by atomiclunch
7-16-15
Welcome to the 1st annual Kids' Choice Adult Film Awards. Presenting the award for best boobs in a dramatic role is Elbows Ethan. Go ahead, Ethan!
Thanks, Neil! Great job on the peep show booths! Our first nominee is
!!!
!!!
*nurgle*

 

by atomiclunch
7-17-15
Behold! I am Blandalf the Blue! Tell your master this: the armies of Mordor must disband. He is to depart these lands, never to return.
Yeah, Leon.
Um, Blandalf. Blandalf the blue.
Okay, "Blandalf". Why don't you slip back into your maintenance cloak, take that plunger and enchant the clog from the Throne of Gondor in the middle stall of the Men's Room.
YOU SHALL NOT FLUSH!
A cave troll totally beefed in there, so we really WANT to flush again, if you get my drift. Put a wiggle in it, Leon.

 

by atomiclunch
7-19-15
Your mother froze solid, junior. Your younger sister, bless her soul, fell over and shattered into a thousand pieces.
Yes, dad.
It's just lucky that I bagged up all of those pieces and sold them as party ice. I made enough to fix this!
Yes, dad.
So, what have we learned today?
*sigh* Don't have contractors replace the house with a giant walk-in blast freezer while you guys are out shopping. It's not funny, it's dangerous.

 

by atomiclunch
7-20-15
Brrrrmmm!! Vvvvrrrrrmmmm!! WAAAAAAAA!!!
Backfire

 

by atomiclunch
7-21-15
I'll give you this: you're one tough sonofabitch. Crown of thorns, nailed to a cross and still, STILL, you don't talk. So that's it, I guess.
You're getting the swirly.

 

by atomiclunch
7-22-15
Ma'am.
Excuse me, ma'am. This is the morgue.
Please poop in Radiology.

 

by atomiclunch
7-22-15
Sooo...
Dammit, Shaq. I'm not gonna write your name in the snow... And how'd you get it so pointy?

 

by atomiclunch
7-23-15
HI! It looks like you're trying to compile a list of who's naughty and who's nice. Can I be of assistance?
Yes, can you sort my data so that I only see females that are naughty. Really, really naughty. I'll then make sure you get exactly what you want for Christmas.
Can do, Santa!
What do you want for Christmas, my unappreciated helper?
The sweet release of death, Santa!

 

by atomiclunch
7-23-15
Oy!
I've fallen...
...and I like it better down here!

 

by atomiclunch
7-24-15
The Fly!
Damn, that was some tasty poop. Now, I need a nice walk across your hamburger.
Shiny Blue Yarbles!!
LIBS!!
DAMN LIBS!!
This thing!
Hey, don't be mad at me. You said you wanted me to answer you honestly about whether that dress makes you look fat. I'm just doing what you asked.

 

by atomiclunch
7-25-15
I'm here! I... don't see a fire.
My GOD, man. Are you blind? Can you not see the conflagration of good taste right in front of you?!
I, i'm not sure that...
ew ew ew ew ew ew ew and what's that thing doing? Eating its head? Oh, I'm gonna be sick. *glarg*
Sir, that's Donald Trump.
Squirt it, goddammit! Wash this ungodly horror from my tortured soul!

 

by atomiclunch
7-26-15
Okay, try turning it over again.
How's that?
Oh yeah, I see the problem.
Mm-hmm.

 

by atomiclunch
7-27-15
Man, she's cute. I need to find just the right thing to do to sweep her off her feet and into my arms.
AAIIIEEE!!
Want to see a trick?
Oh, she SO wants me.

 

by atomiclunch
7-27-15
It was just another stinkin' Monday. I'd spent the weekend under the tables at Moriarty's Bar and was trying to get by on a quick tongue shave and an ancient Certs that I'd found in my desk.
Blech! Stale retsyn!
Then, like a jaguar slinking up behind a fat, unsuspecting peccary, she sashayed into my office and therefore, sadly, into my life.
Whaddaya want?
She was tall, with hair the color of a red velvet cupcake and more curves than a long, long, curvy thing. She was gonna be nothing but problems, I could tell.
I have a problem.

 

by atomiclunch
7-28-15
Fuck's sakes, Potter, you wanna be a wizard or not?

 

by atomiclunch
7-29-15
See, you're supposed to be extinct. The fossil record says so, the books, many, many studies all agree.
Yet, here I am.
Well, history says you're extinct.
And I support history!

 

by atomiclunch
7-30-15
Like I said, problems. I stood there, satan playing the anvil chorus on my cerebrum with an out-of-tune jackhammer, and asked a question I knew I'd regret until my dying breath. Or my next blackout...
So, what's the problem?
It's ..It's..
Ten bucks says it's a cheating husband or boyfriend.
I think my husband and boyfriend are cheating on me!!
Well, that was halfway unexpected. Normally I can't handle dames cryin'. This one was hard to figure out, though. Luckily, my mama raised me to be prepared. When she wasn't getting me drunk, anyway.
Kleenex?
WAAAAHHH!!

 

by atomiclunch
7-30-15
Once she turned off the waterworks, I got down to brass tacks.
My rate is $200 per day plus expenses.
Well, Mr. Roast
It was getting harder and harder to look this woman in the eyes. I swear that her breasts were part of a scientific study in eye-based magnetism. She had a rack and she knew how to use it.
I don't have that kind of money. I do have a thermometer, tho.
Apparently she used it to siphon off a couple dozen IQ points. Such is life.
I'm in! Oral or rectal?
Ain't tellin'.

 

by atomiclunch
8-01-15
An ill-advised challenge
C'mon, Mr. "Supreme Being", bring it!
Hai!
Shit! Kicked in the nuts by God! I thought you were a loving deity!
I am, specifically, I love to win. We'll talk about this when you extract your doodads from your chest cavity.
eep. My coughs taste like semen.

 

by atomiclunch
8-01-15
Another boring fucking day! Nothing ever happens around...
...here? Oh shit! Not the portal! Not again! Arrggg...
ggghh... HO HO HO! On Hastur, on Azathoth, on Shub-Niggurath, on Yog-Sothoth!!

 

by atomiclunch
8-02-15
A hidden lab, somewhere in Bayonne.
Yes, YES! The cloning machine works!
I will clone thousands of copies of myself and use our collective brainpower to solve all of the world's problems! Where to start?
Trump/Kardashian in 2016!
Right! Start by destroying the cloning machine.

 

by atomiclunch
8-02-15
What does God need
with a moving sidewalk?
It's fun as fuck, you have a problem with that?

 

by atomiclunch
8-02-15
Break Time!
What's doin', Chen?
I was wondering, I mean, you're not a sock. What are you?
What do you think, Chen?
I was figuring...
Turns out that he IS made from a couple of used odor-eaters, sewn together. He doesn't like having it pointed out, either.
Dude, Pablo is like ALL FIST! What were you thinking?

 

by atomiclunch
8-03-15
Today's marine forecast calls for winds with gusts of up to 60 knots.
And waves from 20-30 feet.
If you're at sea, make sure everything is lashed down or "wave" goodbye to it. Back to you, Brock!

 

by atomiclunch
8-03-15
I hate you, underwater chess board!
Soooo much!
Fuck you!

 

by atomiclunch
8-03-15
. . .
I think you have applied sufficient water to the fire at this point.

 

by atomiclunch
8-04-15
It's okay, Chen!
Out of my way!
I'm coming to save ya, buddy!
Almost there!
Oh, thank God! I was getting my ass kicked. Jesus Christ, what's that godawful st-
Smells like victory!

 

by atomiclunch
8-04-15
They've taken the office!
Chen! I'm coming!
Those bastards are gonna pay!
I'll save ya, Chen!
Ha! Chen called out, today!
Well played, pee finger, well played!

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
In the beginning, there was nothing...
And Atomiclunch said: "Me dammit! Turn on the fucking universe!"
Hang on, let me adjust the vertical hold.
I think I'm gonna hurl!
That was... Jostly.

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
Okay, gotta do this right. First, walk slowly.
Second, never look back. The cool ones never look at the explosion.
Fuck yeah! Nailed it!

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
So, I set out to find the philandering meatsack that she married and the "Beefcake Adonis" (her words) that was fooling around on her while she was fooling around with him.
To make matters worse, it turned out that her husband worked for "Poquito Grande"
The biggest... little thug in the city.
Poquito had his tiny little hands in just about every racket in this burg. You need drugs? You see Poquito. Booze? Poquito. Hell, if you sneeze, you better make damn sure Poquito gets his tissue cut.
Man, there has got to be some serious coin in nose blowin'.

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
Poquito and I had history and it wasn't a good kind. Still, we had a mutual respect. He respected my analytical skills and I respected him not having me iced for walking down the street.
At any rate, I felt it best to give Poquito a heads-up that i'd be around, watching one of his boys. I reckoned he'd play along since he took a dim view of adultery.
Poquito may be a sack of shit but he's got values, dammit!

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
I'd been told that he was at Al Cohol's place so I stopped in. He was there, with a couple of his hired goons, namely, Mas Menos (talk about a whole lotta nothin')
Mas.
Roast. What the hell are you doing here?
And Aqui Alli. Aqui tended to be more reasonable so I spoke with him, first.
Aqui, I'm here on business. Not after any of you guys. Can I speak to Poquito, please?
Fuck you, Roast.
Aqui was as charming as ever. I thought I was going to have to show these guys a little elbow action when suddenly...
CHUCK ROAST, you ol' sonofabitch! C'mere, have a drink.

 

by atomiclunch
8-05-15
This was unexpected. Maybe my luck was getting better. Poquito was with his latest moll, a hot little number by the name of Extraño Viernes. Everyone called her Phreaky.
How the hell ya been, Chuck!
Excuse me, I'll let you two talk business. Mr. Roast, I'll be seeing you around...
I was almost certain that Poquito was talking to me but as I watched Phreaky walk away, all I heard was the sound of my blood leaving my brain.
Relax, Chuck. I've put the incident behind us. What can Poquito do for you?
I-I-I Huh?
I remained in that condition for, probably, a little too long.
Earth to Roast!
dat rack!

 

by atomiclunch
8-06-15
Whatcha doin', elf?
Waiting for Phreaky, got a special gift for her.
Dude, she's a wild chick. What could you get-
IT'S MY DICK IN A BOX!
Okay. I'm sure she's gotten that... Numerous times.
THIS IS BOX 1 OF 17!

 

by atomiclunch
8-06-15
You gon' eat that?

 

by atomiclunch
8-07-15
Hey.
Hey y'all!
Um, this doesn't say "Mission Accomplished".

 

by atomiclunch
8-07-15
At the end of a particularly long, productive, urine-drenched day, Pee finger finds time to engage in a bit of introspection.
Why are we here? I mean, I know why I'M here but is everyone else nothing more than my piss fodder?
More than just a life-support system for a freakishly misrouted urethra. Pee finger is deep.
Is this all there is? Pee and me, we're a team but I think, no, I KNOW I can be more than a one-trick piddle-pony.
Just not *real* deep.
Brace yourself, people of earth. We sit perched on the cusp of a new age! Through the miracle of evolution, Feel the wrath of
SMURF SPOOGE FINGER!!

 

by atomiclunch
8-08-15
One fine morning...
Heh
Heh Heh-heh
What is it, you old drunk?
Yer bow is fucked up, dude. Heh.

 

by atomiclunch
8-08-15
Here at Stripcreator, Inc., our factory is working overtime to make sure you never run out of fresh Chen asses to kick.

 

by atomiclunch
8-09-15
Ha! I got ahold of that new pee-resistant paint! You lose, Pee Finger!
Kinda looks that way. Just lemme finish.
That's a lot of piss. Drinkin' Bud Lite?
Milwaukee's Best, baby!
And asparagus, too. *retch*
Who loses?

 

WHY YOU RIP TOBOR'S ROBODICK OFF!! HOW WILL TOBOR CORNHOLE ANYBODY NOW?!
by atomiclunch, 8-09-15

 

by atomiclunch
8-10-15
I asked her if she wanted me to order any lunch for her. "No, no. I'm not hungry."
So, my son sez to me, he sez "Dad, forgive them for they know not what they do."
Then she proceeds to eat most of my burger and all of my fries. Left me about 3 sips of my slush.
Then lets them crucify him, so now I gotta bring him back 3 days later. Total PITA, I had a morning tee-time scheduled.
Christ what an asshole.
Christ: What an asshoie.

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