All comics by battlekow

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by battlekow
2-05-02
President Bush, do you realize how fast you were going?
Seven.
No sir, you were clocked at 120 MPH.
I fell down.
One twenty is quite a feat sir, considering you were driving an ice cream truck.
I got an owie.

 

by battlekow
2-06-02
I like Limp Bizkit.
I can't believe I got nailed to a fucking cross for this asshole.
Keep rollin, Jesus!
Eat shit and die.
L-I-M-P 2002 Fuckity Fuck!
Come a little closer...I bet I can piss in your mouth.

 

by battlekow
2-06-02
Want to go out?
Nope.
Want to go to prom?
No.
I'm gay.
Absolutely not.

 

by battlekow
2-06-02
Fuck you Mike.
Fuck you Mike.
Fuck.

 

by battlekow
2-07-02
If you're 555 then I'm 666!
Fucker.

 

by battlekow
2-08-02
Jesus, I swear that I will write derivative rap-metal music and cite you as an influence to sell records. Amen.
No, officer, I thought that was flour! And I swear I don't know where those little boys live, never seen 'em before in my life.
In other news, P.O.D. frontman Sonny has announced that he is converting to Islam...
He said I had to suck the poison out...

 

by battlekow
2-10-02
Bob broke up with me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel like no one loves me anymore.
Hey, I'm sorry. I know how you feel, really I do. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here. You'll never be alone as long as we're friends; I love you.
I'm still not going to sleep with you, Troy.
Bitch.

 

by battlekow
2-13-02
You lookin' forward to Valentine's Day man?
Yeah, it's gonna be great!
I can't wait to see the look on Vicky's face, dude.
We should definitely bring a camera to capture the effects.
So you got the AK's? Oh, don't forgot the napalm.
Check and check. Who's house you wanna hit first, your ex's or mine's?

 

by battlekow
2-17-02
Want to go to a movie with me sometime?
Get bent. Seriously, consider showering at some point.
Can I make you dinner on Saturday?
Yeah, if you deliver it to my house and then leave.
Right-click to download the NUDE PATCH for The Sims: Hot Date

 

by battlekow
2-24-02
Are you having a good time so far?
Man, I see how you're looking at me. All guys are the same; you probably just asked me out on the chance I'd sleep with you tonight.
No baby, you got me all wrong, see. I'm not like that--I'm a virgin actually, waiting for love.
Awww really? That's so sweet! You wanna go hang out at my place and watch a movie or something?
Works every time.
I'm so glad you're not like other guys.

 

by battlekow
2-25-02
Dude, you never hang out with me anymore.
I know, I got a girlfriend, man. I spend a lot of time with her, you know?
I know, but we've been friends for a long time. Can you make some time for me?
Well...
Great! You wanna go see a movie today?
Haha, no, I think instead I'll tell you to fuck off and then go have lots of sex.

 

by battlekow
3-02-02
How much for a trick?
Alright how 'bout you just give Ol' Bozo some Low Fat Wheat Thins instead.

 

by battlekow
4-27-02
High above the Himalayas...
...and in conclusion, I'd just like to thank Jesus, without whom I would not have been able to survive for two months alone in the Nepalese highlands...
...It's too bad he was such a skinny fuck, though I did get some good meat off his ass. I also found some quarters from AD 12 in his sandals; damn penny-pinching Jews.

 

by battlekow
5-28-02
Cowboy Dan speaks with last night's conquest.
I never want to see you again.
Why?
I think you're a pedophile.
Fuck you, I don't have to take that from an 8 year old.

 

by battlekow
5-28-02
I bought some skydiving lessons for two. Want to go with me?
I'm blind, Joe. I can't skydive.
Can't tell when to pull the ripcord?
Nope.
Why then?
It scares the shit out of my dog.

 

by battlekow
12-02-02
I don't think we should see each other anymore. I'm having a lot of problems with school, and the stress is just too much. I need to be by myself. It's not you. I'll always love you.
!
He said "I don't feel attracted to you anymore and I don't want to be with you."
Hmm.
He called her a fat bitch and then he slashed her tires!
That asshole!

 

by battlekow
3-24-03
Sweetie, have you seen the kids?
They're grilling out back.
Make sure you watch them, I don't want them to get burned.
Don't worry, honey, I'm keeping a close eye out...
I just put 'em on, so they don't need to be turned over for awhile.

 

by battlekow
9-05-03
Hello there, my platonic companion!
Hail, non-romantic entity! Our decision to remain friends after the termination of our relationship should be the standard for all former sex partners.
Yes. We are truly models of maturity and control.
Have we conversed yet about the new man who is inserting his penis into me?
No, do go on.

 

by battlekow
9-05-03
How's it goin', Bob?
Not bad, Charlie, not bad.
Good to hear. How's the weather?
You know, same old same old. Slight chance of the apocaplyse.
Ain't that the truth. Say, how's that knee holding up?
Oh, not bad, I got it drained. You know, Bob, you should really think about quitting. Those things'll kill you.

 

by battlekow
10-05-03
We need to talk.
I would love to, my chitinous darling.
I'm leaving you.
Is it because I'm poorly drawn?
No, my family just isn't comfortable with me dating a white guy.

 

by battlekow
10-13-03
From a logical point of view, there can be no God. To conclude that there is would be remiss; there is no evidence for that hypothesis and it is not testable.
There is no orchestrator, and that means that there is no destiny, no fate, no "grand scheme of things." We have no assigned value since there is no objective "God" to assign one.
Therefore it falls to each individual to subjectively answer this question: Is human life inherently worthless? I determine for myself whether any given person's life has value.
Ach tja, das ist mein Kampf.

 

by battlekow
10-26-03
What did you think of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake?
You know, everyone I went with thought it was scary, but it didn't really affect me.
Oh come on, it didn't make you jump? I was kicking the seat of the person in front of me and screaming like a little girl.
I wasn't really able to focus on what was happening in the movie--my attention was riveted on Jessica Biel's tits doing their Jello-in-an-earthquake impression.
Typical guy, goes into frantic seed-spreader mode whenever even the slightest hint of sex is presented, abandoning all high-level cerebral functioning.
Sorry, what did you say?

 

by battlekow
11-10-03
So then he goes, "Speak up, I can't hear you!" And the duck says, "Well, I am a Lollard!"
You are taking college much too seriously.
What's a buckeye?
It's kind of like a badger. It's certainly bigger than a gopher.
Halloween was six months ago.
I have cancer.

 

by battlekow
2-21-10
You're schizophrenic.

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