All comics by file13

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by file13
1-12-03
What the shit?
Problem?
I just won the Nobel Peace Prize.
Oh, man. That sucks.
What do I do now?
Shit if I know. Go ask the toaster.

 

by file13
1-12-03
You're gonna die
No I won't.
Fine, I'll just wait here.
Suits me fine.
Three months later
Well, my work here is done...
Asshole

 

by file13
1-12-03
33 A.D.
Jesus? Dude... long time no see. How's it hangin'?
Shut up.
Hey, can you scratch my nose?
Shut up!
I don't know about you, but I'm packing some serious wood here.
SHUT UP!

 

by file13
1-13-03
Instead of guessing what Jesus would drive, let's ask him right now....
Hi there. My name is Jesus. I love you.
Jesus, what kind of car would you drive?
Um...
What's a car?
Well, I guess we have our answer, straight from the Messiah's mouth.
NEXT WEEK... WHAT WOULD JESUS DRINK?
I feel faint. Can I have a drink of water?

 

by file13
1-13-03
Hello, Dearie. Can you help me across the street?
It looks like you're writing a letter. Would you like help?
Yes, I need to cross the street.
It looks like you're writing a letter. Would you like help?
No wonder why they took you out of Office XP. You're a fucking moron. I think I'll ask that magic genie and green parrot over there.
Do you want to save changes you made to "This Stupid Comic Strip?"

 

by file13
1-13-03
The first rule of Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
The second rule of Fight Club is that you do not copy Fight Club on to a VHS tape for your friends.
The third rule of Fight Club is that you do not make an electronic recording of Fight Club off of a Pay-Per-View presentation of Fight Club for your personal use.
The fourth rule of Fight Club is that you do not decode the DVD and post copies of Fight Club over the Internet through file-sharing networks...
Wow. These alternate audio tracks on Special Edition DVDs sure have gone downhill since the RIAA got passed.
Now here's the studio copyright attorney to discuss making unlicensed parodies of "Fight Club" ...

 

by file13
1-13-03
Meanwhile, in a suburban winter wonderland...
Hi there.
Howdy.
They took away your arms, too?
Yup. Really sucks.
They say doing that too much makes you go blind.
Only if you use your eyes for balls. Try using your coal buttons next time.

 

by file13
1-13-03
Well, now that the Council of American-Islamic Relations has come out in protest of Dan Marlette's opinion of what Mohammed would drive, we've decided to go to the source...
Sorry. Mohammed's busy right now.
Will he available soon?
Well, we just started his daily hellfire and brimstone treatment, and we really like for it to come out evenly.
So, what... thirty minutes? An hour?
Try 5,000 years. He's been a really bad boy.

 

by file13
1-13-03
Hey, Father O'Reilly.
Hello, Jesus. Will you forgive me for abusing my office to molest children?
Dude, forgiven. I understand about the kids thing. I had a thing for corpses, myself.
What? Corpses? I don't believe it!
Yep. Although it was a real shock to me when the last one came back from the dead. Must have been a shock to Lazarus, too...
I knew I should have become a Buddhist.

 

by file13
1-13-03

 

by file13
1-13-03
Christmas used to be boring before I, Lord Cthulhu, broke free from R'lyeh and conquered the North Pole...
Ho ho ho! Have you been a good boy, Timmy? How would you like a choo-choo?
My name's Abdul. And did you just say Jew-Jew, fat infidel?
I'm sorry. How about a First Class ticket to Los Angeles and a boxcutter?
Now you're talking! Allah Akbhar! There is no God but Allah!
See what I mean? Santa's to blame for terrorism. And you puny humans were blaming the Saudis for all the evil in the world. Shame on you!

 

by file13
1-13-03
Well, crap. The cartoon's out of sync.
*sigh*
One second, dude, I'm working on it...
Still trying to find the packet sniffer...
I hate framing errors.

 

by file13
1-13-03
After the UN dragged its feet with the weapons inspections, Saddam Hussein has destroyed the world with his nuclear warheads and North Korean missile technology...
ATTENTION, RODENT!
YOU MAY THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY CREATURE TO HAVE SURVIVED THE NUCLEAR EXPLOSION, BUT I AM HERE TO TELL YOU THAT YOU DIDN'T. HA HA HA HA-
SQUEAK?
Sometimes, I really hate my job.

 

by file13
1-14-03
"Okay, this was from our trip to the Shenandoah Valley..."
"Those were cool trees, weren't they?"
"And we went to D.C. the next year..."
"Um, Bob... what's the deal with the chicken?"
"It was either him or that tourist guy."
"You're playing with Photoshop again, aren't you?"

 

by file13
1-14-03
Hey, Pierre, I've got a joke for you.
What is it, Francois?
What's the first words a French child learns to speak?
I don't know.
"I surrender!" in German.
Ha ha ha!

 

by file13
1-14-03
Maybe we need to rotate the ladder the other way around?
Hey, I just remembered the recipe for ice!

 

by file13
1-14-03
This didn't happen.
This didn't either.

 

by file13
1-14-03
What's the problem, sir?
I'd like to report a robbery. But it's rather personal...
You can tell me, Sir. What was stolen from you?
See those kids over there throwing snowballs at each other? Well... um... they're mine, and...
The boys at the station put LSD on my notepad again, didn't they?
Don't worry, officer, I'll talk you down. Just breathe deep and try not to claw your eyes out.

 

by file13
1-14-03
"Thank you, students of Concordia University, for your generous contribution of your country's prized maple leaf for the fight against the Zionist aggressors..."

 

by file13
1-14-03
Wow, that's a big flag. This line to see the Pope is so long, I'm still in Italy...
Man, this line goes on forever... I wonder if I can pee right here?
I've been waiting here since Christmas... it's mid-January, for Chrissakes!
Do I use the butcher's knife or the paring knife when I finally meet him?
I sure hope the Pope pardons me for all those children I molested...
I bet the Pope's dead already... I'd better not lose my place if they hire a new one.

 

by file13
1-14-03
Mr. Belafonte? I'm awfully sorry for making you wait, but down here in the sewer my GPS unit gets flaky... Mr. Belafonte? Look, smile so I can see you, okay?
You... *gasp* racist... *cough* pig... I'll... *wheeze* sue...

 

by file13
1-14-03
The Marketing guys said "It's got the best of Pac Man and Pong combined, how can it fail?" I ask "So what's it got to do with a chicken?" They give me fifty bucks. I should have stayed in college...

 

by file13
1-14-03
So, what do you guys think?
Sucks.
You call that a skull and crossbones?
Damn thing's not even on-center.
Screw this, man. I'm walking the plank.

 

by file13
1-15-03
Back in 1998
Mr. President? Bill? Big Willy, where are you....
I'm right here.
Oh, you scared me. Hold on a second... let me unzip you and... *slurp*
*slurp* *slurp* Um, do you think anybody will ever find out about this?
Never in a million years, Monica...
What's that smell?

 

by file13
1-15-03
I am Zoltor, 9th level Warrior from the Duchy of Stonega-
As I was saying, I am Zoltor, 9th lev-
Goddamn it! What the heck is wrong with this thi-
Hey, guys, can you see me? I keep getting drop-
What the heck is going on with my DSL?
Dude, did you know there's a backhoe digging in your front yard?

 

by file13
1-15-03
Move along, folks. Nothing to see here.

 

by file13
1-15-03
"Don't worry, Sir, we'll find it for you. We'll just use the satellite to track it."
Okay, thanks. Jesus, I feel like an idiot.
"One moment, Commander Grissom... look behind those rocks... do you see it?"
Hold on... wait... yeah, I see it.
"Okay, thank you for using OnStar." *click*
Man these NASA cutbacks are a real bitch.

 

by file13
1-15-03
JAN 14, 2003 - JACKSON, WYOMING
Hello?
Is anybody out there? George? Bill?
Help? Anyone? Cokie? Sam?

 

by file13
1-15-03
Somewhere deep under New York, the ABC Television Network hastily assembles their focus group...
Ook ook ook ook. Ook? Ook ook ook!
Ook?
Ook?
Ugh!
Ook?
Three out of four seem to like it, Mr. Eisner. I think we have a hit on our hands!

 

by file13
1-16-03
Somewhere deep under New York, the ABC Television Network reworks its Fall Lineup for their focus group...
Ook ook ook ook. Ook? *BOING* Ook ook ook!
Ook!
Ook!
Ook!
Ook!
Yes, sir, it was my idea to add the "BOING," but I must admit your idea to smear the banana on the screen was brilliant!

 

by file13
1-16-03
Me be not proud, though some have called me mighty and dreadful, for, I am not so, For, those, whom I think'st, I dost overthrow,
Die not, poor me, nor yet canst me kill thee; From rest and sleepe, which but my pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from me, much more must flow, And soonest our best men with me doe go, Rest of their bones, and souls delivery.
Me art slave to Fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,
And poppy, or charms can make you sleep as well, And better then my stroke; why swell'st thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, and I shall be no more, me, I shalt die.
Who writes this shit?

 

by file13
1-16-03
Dude, you find my contact lens yet?
Set phasers on LASIK...

 

by file13
1-16-03
According to the Official Corporate Employee Handbook...
In the even of a system failure, I'm supposed to hack the IT Manager apart with an axe for spilling coffee on the router...
Wander to Purchasing to cut the throat of the Purchasing Director for buying e-Machines instead of Dells...
Threaten to nail the feet of the General Manager to the floor as I burn his fingertips with a cigarette lighter...
and THEN... fill out a Purchase Order?
No way am I waiting on a Purchase Order to make it through this nuthouse... I'm so outta here.

 

by file13
1-16-03
Meow
Meow
Meow
Meow
Where's the goddamned lightswitch?
Meow

 

by file13
1-17-03
Ook?
WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF BITCHING ABOUT THE IDIOTS YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH, JUST REMEMBER WHO I HAD TO WORK WITH, OKAY?
Ook!

 

by file13
1-17-03
HEY, OLD-TIMER. I JUST TAUGHT MY MONKEY TO PEEL A BANANA. SEE?
Ook!
BIG DEAL. MINE'S JUST DISCOVERED FIRE!

 

by file13
1-17-03
I take offense at the term "cheese-eating surrender-monkey." I prefer bananas, thank you very much.

 

by file13
1-17-03
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
I should have used Extra-Strength Tylenol instead of Regular-Strength.

 

by file13
1-17-03
WABBIT OR DUCK SEASON... WABBIT OR DUCK SEASON... HRM...

 

by file13
1-17-03
ARE YOU DEAD YET?
No!
ARE YOU DEAD YET?
No! Go away!

 

by file13
1-17-03
Heh *snort*
Hee hee hee *giggle* hee
Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha!
Muwahahahahaha! Ha ha ha ha!
Midnight sun's driving you nuts too, eh?
Our creators will rue the day they made us without eyelids! I swear it!

 

by file13
1-18-03
Back in my day, America-hating liberals like me weren't such sex-crazed assholes.
Impeach Bush, vote Democratic, but I am not taking my clothes off for you perverts!
"Yea! Yea! Woohoo! Keep it on, you old Commie bitch!"
That's *Ms.* Fonda to you, fuckface!

 

by file13
1-19-03
*ahem*
Huh? What is it, Officer?
You know that this is a No Demon Zone, right?
I thought the yellow paint on the curb meant No Parking.
Yes, but look down here...
Oh, crap. I didn't notice the pentacle and Thaumaturgic circle. Sorry.

 

by file13
1-19-03
So, Whoosh, it must be really interesting being a fire elemental and all.
Who the heck are you?
Yo, Witch. I'm over here. That's Foom. I'm Whoosh.
What? Oh, sorry. My bad. All you fire elementals look like to me.
Well, fine. All you Prime Material Planars look alike to us, too, you racist bitch.
I knew I shouldn't have burned all those party invitations in my summoning brazier...

 

by file13
1-19-03
I see trees so green
Red roses, too
I see them bloom
For me and you
And I say to myself
Where's my skin and internal organs?

 

by file13
1-19-03
I quit!
It's my breath, isn't it?

 

by file13
1-19-03
(c) 2003 Microsoft WinRobot 1.0e C:\SCAN.EXE -b -e TARGETS -all Target Identified: ROBOT RALPH-28 Action: INCINERATE
HEY, BOB... WOOHOO... OVER HERE... YOU GOT A FUNNY LOOK IN YOUR EYE... ARE YOU OKAY?

 

by file13
1-20-03
Dude, whatever you're thinking, it's not safe for us inner demons in there. Unless we get hazard pay, we're moving to the Congo.

 

by file13
1-21-03
At Norland Park...
Daddy?
Daddy?
Daddy?
Girls, I warned you about exorcising your father! Now we'll be banished from our home by John!

 

by file13
1-21-03
Immortal Kombat 2 rules! I could play this forever!
Wait... how did you finish Immortal Kombat 1?

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