All comics by hooverinNJ

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by hooverinNJ
10-14-03
What's the meaning of this, foolish human?
It's from my friend Kyle. He wants me to try writing a comic strip. He thinks I'd be really good.
Isn't Kyle the guy who ate all the worms in third grade?
Yeah, that's him.
Hasn't gotten much brighter, has he?
You're a really awful robot.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-14-03
It's been a rough couple days since I started this comic. I've been really lost in thought, totally unable to concentrate.
For example, I was on my way to the dining hall, so caught up in trying to be inspired that i guess I just walked right into the lake.
And I REALLY have no idea why I bought these concrete boots.
Nice shoes, Wal-Mart.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-14-03
I'm going into the water to find Andy... any philosophical advice, O wise one?
Strive not for the great ferns of the world, only move like a blunderbuss and strike the purple turkeys from your soul.
You ARE a monk, right?
Could you spare a quarter?

 

by hooverinNJ
10-14-03
Rob! Hey! How've you been?
Andy! Thank God I found you!
Rob! Hey! How've you been?
Good... uh... don't you need some oxygen, or something?
Rob! Hey! How've you been?
Let's get you topside, big guy.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
After I got out of the water, I had to be treated for the bends. Rob took me to the hospital. At first I was pretty lonely.
One day I got a roommate. He looked in pretty bad shape.
I tried to make conversation.
So... your medical chart says you're King of the Jews.
Please, kid, this is hard enough as it is.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
My roommate was really interesting. He had the best stories...
Did I ever tell you about that wedding in Galilee? Whoo boy...
He would tell me about his father, who was a real big shot in some sort of theological field.
And then my dad was like, "no way, bitch!" and he totally turned her into a pillar of salt... it was awesome, man. Seriously.
His dad had a lot of trouble getting in to visit, though... he kept trying to get in, but I hear the receptionists wouldn't let him in the elevator.
For the last friggin' time, the name is "God." With a "G."
Sure thing, Mr. Firehazard. You can just wait right here.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
One day they finally let my roommate's father in to check in on his son.
So... how you holding up?
Oh, you know, not too bad, given the circumstances. The circumstances being that there ARE GODDAMN NAILS IN MY BODY.
C'mon, son, don't be like that. I'm proud of you!
You don't love me! You never did! I hate you! I wish you were dead!
We should have just gotten a dog.
I didn't ASK to be born, you know!

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
Eventually, it was time to say goodbye to my roommate.
It was nice knowing you, Jesus.
Yeah, nice to know you, too. A shame we couldn't meet under happier circumstances.
I don't know. I had a pretty good time with you. But I hear you're getting transferred to a better ward.
Well, you could say I'm going to the Big Ward in the Sky.
You mean Ward C? I hear the food there sucks, actually.
This cross needs wheels.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
After I got out of the hospital, I had to sift through a lot of mail.
Most of it was only bills, but there were a couple of interesting items in there, too.
Amazing... I could already be a winner.
There was even a promotional flier from a spa two towns over, offering me a free accupuncture session. I figured I could use any therapy I could get.
Well, well, the wormfarm's back. Make me a sandwich, fleshbag.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
I arrived at the spa with my accupuncture coupon and an open mind.
Well? Here I am! What've you got for me?
Well, this is a new experimental spa. Everything, including our accupuncture, is do it yourself.
The doctor gave me a thorough backround on the rich history of accupuncture, and the benefits of performing it on one's self.
Isn't accupuncture experimental enough?
That's pretty ignorant of you! Accupunture is an ancient and well respected medical art, not just some newfangled get-rich quick scheme!
She set me up with the equipment, and I knew I was on my way to a healthier tomorrow!
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have doubted my safety.
If you need more nails, just yank 'em out of the dead guy on the floor.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
I went into one of the private rooms. I wasn't sure exactly how to proceed.
These instructions aren't all that specific...
In fact, I don't even know what some of these words mean.
I thought about it for a while... and then just decided to go for it.
In fact, I'm pretty sure this is just a Chinese food menu.
Hmmmm... Guess I'll just play it by ear.
At the end of it, I came to an important realization...
OW!
...Chinese food is very bad for you.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-15-03
After the necessary operation, Rob came to visit.
Back in the hospital already?
I had a bad spa experience. It's a long story.
A bad spa experience? What happened? Third degree burns from the mudbath? Flesh-eating bacteria in the anti-aging cream?
I drove a nail into my head.
Darwinists everywhere marvel at your continued existence, you know.
These things just seem to happen.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
I wasn't the only one with problems, however...
So exactly what kind of help do you need, Lisa?
Well, it's really just a mental block thing... the paper's supposed to be on hate crimes and how to prevent them.
Hmmm... well, I'm not an expert on the subject, but shouldn't you just write about something you might be able to do to help?
But I'm only one person! I can't stop hate crimes... it's all very frustrating.
I know. Makes you want to go out and lynch someone.
Is it okay if I pretend I don't know you from now on?

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
Since I was gone, I hear Cliff had to turn to Rob for romantic advice...
I don't know, Rob. I guess I just don't understand women.
What do you mean?
Well, I try so hard to help Lisa with her papers and all, but when I'm there, she always seems to want me to leave, but when I'm gone, she always wants me to come over! It's very irritating.
It's probably something in her DNA.
So I should, what, like, sit her on a microwave, or something?
Easy, Romeo.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
Lisa next turned to Miles for help with her paper, but I heard that didn't go so well either.
Well, gee, Lisa. I mean, I was brought up in Princeton... I don't really have much of a conception of what inner-city life is actually about.
Well, yeah. I thought you might be able to help me out with some of the research on the parts about ghetto life.
Wait, wait... you think just because I'm black I live a ghetto lifestyle?
Well... maybe not all the time, but... well, you know, it's part of your culture and all, and... heh, uh... you must occasionally... you know... do SOME of it. So can you help me out?
Sorry... I just remembered I have to go shoot heroin and pick up some fried chicken. If you need me later, I'll be out pimpin' my bitch Toni Morrison around the physics building.
Great.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
Hey, robot! I'm home!
Welcome back, lumpy. Say, would you like to hear a joke? Why did the plane crash?
Gee, Robot, I don't think you've ever told me a joke before... hmmmm... Why did the plane crash? I give up.
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread!
Hmmm... I think you're new at this, Robot.
Did I mention the loaf of bread was Arab?

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
I decided to give Lisa a hand myself.
Cliff tells me that you're really having some trouble with your paper, Lisa.
Well, the main trouble is getting primary sources... Miles wouldn't tell me anything about the attitude of the victims, and I don't know any one who would actually COMMIT a hate crime.
My roommate Robot hates pretty much all humanity... and I'm sure he's commited a crime or two along the way.
I'm thinking more along the lines of an interview with someone from the KKK, or maybe a Neo-Nazi.
Just pretend you're asking them on a date. The skinheads will flock to you.
You weren't exactly Mr. Rogaine yourself, last time I checked.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-16-03
So Lisa went out to collect some primary sources on hate crimes.
... so that's the story of the War of Northern Agression, Little Missie... hope I straightened some things out for ya'll.
Uh-huh...
What?
I'm sorry... I'm just really impressed with your horse's ability to balance like that.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Back so soon? What happened?
I'm looking for a better hate crime date. The last guy I talked to wasn't even really a hate criminal... just a confederate enthusiast.
That doesn't sound so bad. Why did you leave in such a hurry?
Well, I made the mistake of asking him if he still thought the South would rise again...
Earlier that evening...
Well, MY south is rising again, if you know what I mean, missie.
Well! That was fun! I'll call you!

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Lisa next tried her luck with a skinhead, Carlton Allenburg.
So, Mr. Allenburg, you believe that America should only belong to the Aryan race...
Pretty much. Well, I mean, only the straight, protestant Aryans, of course.
What about the idea of a melting pot society? Do you agree with that?
Oh, no question.
Really?
Sure! I've been wanting to throw all the blacks and gays into a melting pot for years! The plans are in my basement, if you wanna take a look.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Allenburg's basement.
Mr. Allenburg, I really think I ought to be going...
Nonsense! You haven't even seen my Luger collection yet!
But it's almost one in the morning...
I haven't looked in this box for YEARS... you're not leaving until I show you the stuff I have in here... brass kunckles, my Imperial Wizard costume, my autographed print of "Triumph of the Will"...
This is not a good day.
Ooh! My swastika collage!

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Meanwhile, we were getting worried about Lisa... she wasn't back yet, and it was getting late.
I'm really concerned, Cliff. She still isn't back... I'm starting to think that maybe we ought to head over there.
Well, maybe me, but that guy isn't going to let YOU in his house. You'll need some sort of disguise.
Theater 201, baby.
Jesus Christ!

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Cliff and Miles got to Allenburg's front door and knocked.
Well, here we are... what the hell are we going to say?
Let me do the talking.
Hello.
Who the hell are you two?
We're with Guns & Ammo magazine. Ready for your interview?
About time you boys got here.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
I'm going to go look for Lisa. You distract Allenburg.
Me? But what am I supposed to say? I don't even really know our cover story... what if he asks me my name, or something?
Just make up something he'd like. Here he comes... good luck!
Sigh... okay... something he'd like... something convincing...
Well, I'm ready for my interview. By the way, I didn't get you fellows' names...
I'm McKillblackie. Adolf McKillblackie.

 

by hooverinNJ
10-18-03
Cliff gives it a shot...
So... what's this interview about exactly?
Oh, you know... guns... and ammo...
Cliff gets in over his head...
Well, are you going to focus on my historic Luger collection? Or do you want to take a gander at my AK-47 collection? My M-16's? My QR-385's?
Yeah, sure... that sounds good.
Cliff makes a good save.
I made that last one up.
It's okay... it's our fiction issue.

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