All comics by michaeljhawks

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by michaeljhawks
5-08-14
what are you fucking serious right now
fucking dont look at me ever again you fuck

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
who the fuck do you think you are wearing that cape you asshole fuck
im so fucking done with you

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
Alright, so once you're finished with those quarterly torture reports, I'm going to need you to change the blood toner and collate a pile of dismembered limbs and appendages.
Uh... so where are we with all that?

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
So did you clean the viscera out of the break room for Cheryl's party?
Because the party's today.
Yes. I am aware.

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
Who took my baby arm out of the break room fridge? I was really looking forward to my lunch today.
Where is everybody?
It's Saturday again, isn't it?
I don't know what do you think asshole?

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
You must be the new temp.
It's your standard office set up. This is the copy room. But you probably already knew that. Down the hall is the Red Room where we do most of the sacrifices.
On Friday manspiders materialize through the walls and there's times when you think the screaming will just never stop.

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
What say we knock off a few hours early, my man? Grab a couple of beers?

 

by michaeljhawks
5-09-14
Can you do me a favor and set your e-mail to respond with a "read receipt" the next time I send out a memo?
It's just that I like to know people actually READ it.
You're not even here right now are you?

 

by michaeljhawks
5-12-14
They say working in an office is the leading cause of cancer.
And... yep. There's the brain tumor. Right on schedule.
Yellow o'clock school bus phantom shovel ballerina flamethrower.

 

by michaeljhawks
5-12-14
fucking cut it out you need to calm down
i cant even understand how fuck you are
dont do it again you stupid fucking idiot

 

by michaeljhawks
5-15-14
Wait. Aren't you...
Yeah.
I'm sorry. I actually have no idea who you are.
Well that makes two of us.

 

by michaeljhawks
6-03-14
Sometimes the stress of the office is just too much.
Every now and then you need a little peace and quiet to recharge your batteries.
Well hello.
Break's over. It's time for the four o'clock blood wraith ceremony and it's your turn to gaze into the abyss.

 

by michaeljhawks
6-13-14
I just... I just don't know if I can face it today.
I mean, my inbox... it's probably so... FULL. And I forgot it's the quarterly meeting today... I didn't wear a tie...
Hello.
Shit, I don't even OWN a tie!

 

by michaeljhawks
10-13-14
Man, working on Saturday is rough.
Manr, warkarng orn Sartradarnar iss rowlllllfff.
I had a frolf tournament scheduled for today.
Dy ad ar frawfl tarnaormertornor shhessulled far tardoryar.
Are you my subconscious? Are you mirroring my dialogue?
Nope, nope. I'm just here because of the drugs.

 

by michaeljhawks
10-13-14
One of my favorite pastimes to break up the work week is day dreaming.
But I am greeted by only hissing darkness as my drawn and quartered imagination remembers it's former beauty.

 

by michaeljhawks
1-23-15
I'm not sure I'm completely onboard with the company's new direction.
What's the problem? Spatial eviscerations are up by 22% and the Great and Endless Maw looms imminently.
I know, but this new paid time off thing completely does away with sick days.
Sick days are an outdated concept that should be discarded in the chasm between worlds.
That's an awful lot of paper.
Yeah well maybe you're an awful lot of paper.

 

by michaeljhawks
1-27-15
It looks like you're about to have a meeting. Would you like some help?
I can collate your presentation, spell check any errors, or generate a bullet list of talking points.
Can you possibly reassemble a psyche so shattered the pieces have turned to mist?
That I cannot do.

 

by michaeljhawks
1-27-15
You know you're only here because of affirmative action right?
And I bet that just pisses you off doesn't it?

 

by michaeljhawks
1-28-15
So where do I take this employee opinion survey?
Human Resources.
And what is it exactly?
It's a brief questionnaire that allows the higher ups to determine who to eviscerate with hooks and who to reward with bone trinkets.
Because I have some issues with the cleanliness of the break room.
So when you signed up for the health plan, did you check the box next to "complete and total spiritual annihilation"? A lot of people miss that one.

 

by michaeljhawks
1-30-15
So is there anything else I can help you with officer?
No, not really. Just following up all the necessary leads.
Well Mr. Greer is a beloved member of this office. I hope you find him unharmed.
Well there's no reason to suspect foul play at this point.
That's comforting news.
Although the lobby chandelier made entirely of human femurs is enough to give one pause.

 

by michaeljhawks
2-02-15
Excuse me, Miss. Are you lost?
Yes, I'm looking for the accounts receivable department. I'd like to make a payment.
That department is located on the fifth floor. Just follow the trail of blood.
Thank you, young man. I'd hate to be late again. The Ninth Configuration is almost upon us and I wouldn't want to anger the Faceless One.

 

by michaeljhawks
4-23-15
I don't understand what I'm looking at.
Well, accounting just finished the new budget. So they're celebrating with their bi-monthly, fourth-dimensional blood orgy.
We should probably give them some privacy.
Yeah, yeah. I was just going to say that.

 

by michaeljhawks
4-23-15
Dammit. Where is it?
Where is what?
Uh... nothing.
What is it? Is it a puppy leg? You know you can tell me anything.
No. Just... look I got it handled. Alright?

 

by michaeljhawks
4-23-15
Uh, excuse me. You're not allowed in here. Which department does your mommy work in?
Piss off.
Well that's not very nice.
Well maybe I'm not a nice person. Maybe I don't have an ideal home life. Maybe I lash out because all I'm looking for is the positive reinforcement that only a responsible adult can provide for me.
Well... did you want to talk about it?
Piss off.

 

by michaeljhawks
4-23-15
I hear they're instituing an incentive system this quarter. The department with the most necro-summonings gets a pizza party.
I SAID...

 

by michaeljhawks
4-28-15
I got caught in traffic. Did I miss the meeting?
Yes, you did.
Dammit. When did it start?
Oh it's been going on this whole time. And even before that.
There is no meeting, is there?
.gniteem on si erehT

 

by michaeljhawks
5-07-15
So then the priest says to the guy, "I'm just really tired." Get it?
Do you get -
I feel like you're not even meeting me halfway here.
Zap.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-27-15
It's been a rough week.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-29-15
Red guy. Sup.
Squid guy. How goes it?
WHAT IS FOUND CAN NEVER BE UNFOUND. THE GREAT SHRIEKING WILL LAST UNTIL LONG AFTER WE ARE DUST.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-30-15
What's that smell?
It smells like... ink?
Oh nothing.
Yeah, I didn't say anything.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-30-15
Where am I?
Did I die?
Why else would I be adrift in this void of nothingness?
Oh I'm sorry Mr. Critical. Maybe we should just cancel the renovation.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-07-16
Hello?
I -
Keep your voice down around the paper.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-07-16
you stand like a real fuck
worse

 

by michaeljhawks
7-07-16
There's bagels in the break room.
Blueberry, cinnamon raisin. Plenty for everybody.
I wish I could have one, but I'm gluten free.
And we're all very impressed.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
I'm really excited about this team-building exercise, guys.
Trust. That's the key word.
I just don't get the part where I've been locked in here since time immemorial.
See, it's that tendency to exaggerate that we all have such a hard time with.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
Hey we're out of toner.
Another word for toner is ink.
Oh is it?
Well I wouldn't know anything about that.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
They've doing this new thing called the "paperless office."
They're also doing this new thing called "shut up."

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
i resist change in all its forms

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
So I know things between us have been a bit... strained.
...ever since the yogurt, uh, "incident" in the break room.
I mean technically it WAS mine -
Technically YOU aren't even YOU. And so it shall be. Now and forevermore.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
We've instituted a new bathroom policy for all employees.
Limb amputation will now be required PRIOR to entering a stall.
You can't argue with the suggestion box.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-08-16
Have you ever considered maybe updating the decor in here? It might help with morale.
Of course, change can be very stressful.
So they say.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-11-16
I just found out I have cancer.
So, I'm just trying to stay positive. You know?
Sure. I mean, what else can you do?

 

by michaeljhawks
7-11-16
We're working on a lot of interesting new things down in R&D.
Oh really? Like what?
You guys are just covering yourselves in blood again, aren't you?

 

by michaeljhawks
7-11-16
So you're part of corporate's new team building strategy?
Yup.
How do you propose we combat discrimination in the office?
No idea. But hey. Look how good I can balance on this ball.
I dont want to be negative, but I don't see this helping.
You know you're just gonna die anyway, right?

 

by michaeljhawks
7-13-16
So then HR calls me down and they're all like, "This is a conflict of interest."
And so I say, "Listen, just because someone from accounting writes my name on the wall in blood doesn't mean..."
I've been talking for a really long time, haven't I?
And it's just been fascinating.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-13-16
As I'm sure you're aware, we generally conduct employee reviews in the Great Abyss of the Blind Hag.
Unfortunately, maintenance has been down there most of the week trying to rebuild the Red Monolith of the Endless Pain. So there's a whole bunch of ladders and paint cans all over the place.
Also some of the workers have apparently been transformed into manspiders.
The break room is fine.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-13-16
How's things down here in the mailroom?
Fantastic.
So you've been smoking the mail.
Only after I open it.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-18-17
Alright everybody. I saw the cake in the break room. What was left of it anyway.
Another party during my lunch hour, huh? Convenient.
Didn't you see the e-mail? Where were you?
You KNOW where we were.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-19-17
It's all very impressive. Don't you think?
Well I suppose it is.
The sheer volume of it all.
Bzrkrtztyrp.
I'm sorry did you say something?
Yes. Yes I did.

 

by michaeljhawks
7-19-17
I was under the impression that the new temp was starting today.
You know. Someone to fill up the copier, make coffee, things like that.
I... have arrived.
And I think I speak for everyone when I say we are just... beside ourselves.

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