All comics by michaelpatrick

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by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
Would you like some of my home made urine-aide?
What kind of a sick fuck are you?
The kind with 6" razor sharp teeth, now drink the fucking urine!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
Auditions Take One
I am a big bad dinosaur...rarrr!! I'll fuck you up!!
Ahem...mi mi mi...

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
Later in the green room::
Whattya mean I didn't make the grade?!?
Sorry, but you choked on stage.
Later in the green room::
I'll choke you on stage! Then I'll eat your whole fucking family!!
Yeah right...everyone knows you're a dimwitted vegetarian.
Later in the green room::
...and a sodomist.
...yeah

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
...so a little boy and a serial killer walk into a dark alleway...
The little boy says, "It's dark and I'm scared!"
The killer says, "Well how do you think I feel...I gotta walk back outta here.....alone!"

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
Auditions Take Three
What's 12' long, stiff as a board and really excites women in the morning? Crib death!!
Huh? That joke kills 'em in the Poconos!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
So, Hal...do yah think we got what it takes to join the troupe?
You wanna know what it takes? Look over there.
Oh Jesus...That sick fucking T-Rex is tea-bagging my mother!
I can do that!!!
I'm gonna see if Walmart is hiring!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
Attention Ladies: Due to the sudden auto-erotic asphyxiation death of half of the cast, tonight's show has been cancelled.
But, so as not to let you leave totally disappointed, I am going to let you all lick my anus
Do a good job, now.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-18-02
...so they fired you just like that?
Yeah...apparently it's ok to perform perverse sexual acts on stage, but not in the ladies room!
...or in the nursery.
I think you need to see a doctor!
I know...I got this green shit oozing out of my mule!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
Guess what!! I got the gig!!
You're going to be in Cretaceous Vaudeville even though your not a dinosaur?
Yeah. It turns out all you gotta do is suck the producer's dick!
I thought the producer was a woman...
I didn't say it was easy.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
Welcome to the show, Lenny.
Thanks, Drew. I can't wait to work with you and the rest of the cast!
Great...you can start by drinking my urine.
Frankly, Drew that joke is getting old.
Would you rather have me sodomize you with my 6' tail?
Why do I have to pick ONE?

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
Hey Drew, why are you always trying to get people to drink your urine?
I like to think of it as spreading my unholy elixir to the faithful.
Oh...why is it red?
Red is the color of my soul drink of it and we are become one.
I think I'd rather be eaten alive by mormons.
Take your pick.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
In the previous episode I made a derogatory statement toward a religous group. Please understand that this is done only for sake of satire and not with malicious intent.
As a performer I am often called upon to make statements that I do not wholeheartedly agree with. But, being a professional I perform my lines to the best of my abilities.
With that in mind, "Lutherans are a bunch of pedophilic cock-suckers that can eat my shit."...Thank you.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
Backstage::
Wanna know what I like about being a member of an all-male comedy troupe?
I wonder if his dick is big and spiky like the rest of him...sweet jesus that would rock!
Hal...I am commanding you through telepathy...show me your man-junk so that I may partake of its luscious pearly juices...
The brotherly love..
I like the showers...

 

by michaelpatrick
8-19-02
Terry...I need a raise.
Oh, what am I paying you now?
I think you're paying me with anal.
In that case- let's double your salary!!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-20-02
Ahem....It seems that many audience members are offended by our use of such words as "anal, tea-bag, sodomy, tongue-fuck, and piss-drinker"
To correct this situation we are now offering a "clean" version of the show for those with more 'sensitive' ears:
Please drink my tasty wee-wee or I'll stick my naughty bits in your heiny-hole.
I'd prefer it if you let me brush my teeth with your poo-poo!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-20-02
Guess what, Lenny!
You're secretly a hermaphroditic boy-lover who wants to skin me alive and wear my leathery hide?
Uhmm...Actually I was gonna tell you that I met a really cute girl today. She's sweet and quiet, but she doesn't know I exist.
I've considered sending her a 'secret admirer' letter just to see if she's interested...what do YOU think?
You are the most twisted fucking douche-bag I've ever met...I don't even know you...you demented fuck.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-20-02
Did you ever wonder what it's like to fuck a corpse?
I mean...is it all loose because there's no muscle control? Or does rigor mortis make it...y'know...tight?
If you come back to my place we can find out.
Do you prefer cyanide or being stabbed?
You're always making ME choose.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-24-02
Hey Carl! What's up!
Hi Lenny. I'm just waiting across the street from the Starbucks where that cute girl works. I'm just hoping to catch a glimpse of her.
Do you want me to help you drag her stiff corpse home and show you how to make a cage out of her bones so that you can always be inside her?
Lenny! My feelings for her are...special...
Ok, funboy...We'll make a real SPECIAL fucking cage!

 

by michaelpatrick
8-24-02
...and then the priest said...I've never done this with a MAN before!!
...a MAN!!!
Y'see...because priests....boys...y'know! Hah! Get it?!?!?

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
I'd like to remind everyone that the actors of Cretaceous Vaudeville are normal, decent human beings. Let's hear a little about them.
I like knitting...I have three cats...and I live with my mother.
In my spare time I'm a counselor at a christian youth camp.
I sit in my car outside of catholic schools wearing only a cock-ring.
I'm married with two kids.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
Hal, will you take me to your dungeon, dress me up like a sailor, tie me to the basement door and whip me until I bleed?
ummm...
no
It's because I'm black, isn't it?
You're black?

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
Hey Drew! What's new?
I got a new girlfriend.
I'm going across the street to pick her up at the Starbucks where she works. Then I'll take her back to my plast for a blumpkin, some tea-bagging and a rusty trombone.
Oh..have a nice time.
I wonder if his girlfriend knows the cute girl...maybe we could double date...

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
Hey Lenny! My Man!
Yo Carl. Have you seen Drew?
He said he had a date. I think she's a musician who works at Starbucks with the girl I like.
Carl...A real friend would tell you not to turn around right, now, but the irony of this situation is too good for a sick bastard like me to pass up!
oh....Jesus Fucking Christ.
So now you know what a RUSTY TROMBONE is.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
That son of a bitch is violating the woman I love right out on the street!!
How could you NOT have seen this coming. I mean it's so fucking funny...for me, that is.
OK...if that's a rusty trombone, then what the fuck's a blumpkin?
I don't think they can do one of those.
Why, do you think she's too much of a lady?
No, it's just that there isn't a toilet nearby.

 

by michaelpatrick
8-25-02
Hey, sorry about soiling your wet dream, pal. I didn't know.
Ummm that's ok. I guess I'll have to find someone a little bit more vestal to pine for.
Whatever...if it makes you feel any better, I didn't go all the way with her.
What the fuck are you talking about? I saw her licking your asshole!
Yeah, but she didn't swallow...fucking cocktease.

 

by michaelpatrick
9-10-02
So...you're gay, right?
Yes, and I'm also black.
So...is it true what they say about how your people are...gifted?
Yes, it's as long as your arm and as hard as your skull.
WOW...how about your cock?
tiny

 

by michaelpatrick
9-15-02
So, how's life treatin' ya?
Believe it or not, pretty good.
So they haven't found the corpse yet?
corpses, buddy...corpses.

 

by michaelpatrick
9-15-02
Hal, I'm about to go onstage and I'm all out of material...any advice?
Just talk about your own life...it works for Margaret Cho.
So, the little bitch kept kicking and screaming... and her neck was bleeding and she was biting me...and I couldn't find my knife!!
And I was thinking...'sure, this is great sex, but is this relationship worth the hassle?'

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