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All comics by z80al

 

FELICITY by z80al 4-27-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. As your new manager, I need to get up to speed on staff numbers around here …..	So, tell me, Felicity, what's the usual complement of this office?	Well, it's typically something like: "G'day, Felicity - you're sure looking stunning this morning!"

 

PIGGY BANK by z80al 4-27-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. You know, Warren, loan applicants never cease to amaze me …..	This morning, I asked one guy if he had any savings in the bank ….. ….. and …..?	….. and he said, "I'm not sure - I haven't shaken it lately!"

 

UNINSPIRING by z80al 4-27-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. So, boss, how about my great presentation to the Senior Managers' Meeting yesterday - pretty impressive, huh?!?	Well, to be honest, Jones, I thought you were rather uninspiring! UNINSPIRING?!? But, boss, surely I put more than enough fire into my talk …..?	Maybe, Jones ….. but perhaps you should have put more of your talk into the fire!!!

 

RAISE by z80al 4-28-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Boss, I really need a raise. In fact, I'll have you know that I have three other companies after me at the moment! I see ….. Well, we wouldn't want to lose you, but the best I could do would be a 5% increase.	Thanks, boss. I'd really like to stay, so that raise will make all the difference! That's settled then ….. Incidentally, can I ask which three other firms were chasing you?	Sure, boss - the electricity company, the water company, and the phone company! !@#$%*!

 

WORKING LATE by z80al 4-28-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Boss, I've been working back rather a lot lately, but I think I might have to stop doing that …..	I understand, John ….. Causing problems on the home front, is it?	Well, I'm not sure ….. Last night, I rang my wife to say I wouldn't be home until 7:30 p.m., and she said, "John, can I depend on that?!?"

 

PAYSLIP by z80al 4-28-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. G'day, Brad - haven't seen you since you left the company. Sorry to hear you were terminated - what on earth happened?!?	Well, the boss suggested that I start my Senior Managers' Meeting presentation with a joke, but then he failed to see the funny side - no sense of humour!	A joke? Why, was it a bit off-colour? Nothing like that - for my first Powerpoint slide, I simply put up an image of my payslip.

 

SALES & MARKETING

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Miss Jones, after reviewing your job application, we've discovered that everything on your resumé is a gross exaggeration or a downright lie. I like that - welcome to Sales & Marketing!

by z80al, 4-29-14

 

FOOD NAMES

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. People in my department have this cute new habit of writing names on food in the fridge. For lunch today, I had an egg-and-lettuce sandwich called "Brian", and a can of Coke called "Sonia"!

by z80al, 4-29-14

 

TIME

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Y'know, time's a funny thing ….. At home, at 6:30 a.m., I close my eyes for five minutes, and it's 7:45 ….. Here at work, it's 4:30, I close my eyes for five minutes, and it's 4:31.

by z80al, 4-29-14

 

FREE DRESS FRIDAYS by z80al 4-29-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. The CEO has issued an edict that Free Dress Fridays have gotten out of hand, and we all need to be more professional …..	….. Now I just have to break the news to Smitherson …..

 

RELOCATION by z80al 4-29-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Thanks for your application, Ted. So tell me ….. Why did you leave your last job? Well, my company relocated to another city.	And you weren't willing to move there? ….. No, they wouldn't tell me which city!

 

COPIER

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. I've just rung the copier company, and asked them to send out that really cute repairman again ….. Mind you, there's nothing wrong with the copier yet, but I feel a really bad paper jam coming on.

by z80al, 4-29-14

 

COMPUTERS by z80al 4-29-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Can't you @#$% computers ever do ANYTHING right?!?	Can't you @#$% humans ever do ANYTHING right?!?

 

MEETING

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Okay, folks, we're all in agreement, so that's the end of today's meeting. Let's all now return to our desks to huddle in small groups and discuss why none of this will work …..

by z80al, 4-30-14

 

PENCIL by z80al 4-30-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Good news, Felicity - do you realise that Accounting has DOUBLED our stationery budget for next year?!?	Well, that's a great opportunity to demonstrate that we're a fiscally responsible department! That's for sure ….. So, what do you propose we do with that second pencil?

 

RESUME by z80al 4-30-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Thanks for applying for the job, Matthew. Before we discuss salary packages, can I ask what sort of remuneration you're currently getting at BigCorp?	Sure ….. Well, it's $120K a year base salary, plus super of course, and then there's the usual 20% bonuses. And, of course, a Ferrari and an inner-city flat, and eight weeks' annual leave …..	….. Er, Matthew, could you do me a favour? Would you mind dropping my resumé in to HR at BigCorp when you get back there?

 

NAILS

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. That's strange - why is Warren running that fan at his desk when it's so chilly today?!? Apparently, Felicity is doing her nails again in cubicle 5.

by z80al, 4-30-14

 

PROJECT by z80al 4-30-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Angela, this new project is really complicated, has no budget, no user specs, no technical support, and must be delivered no later than the end of next month ….. ….. B-b-b-but …..	….. But look on it as your chance to really impress everybody!!! ….. [SIGH] …..

 

AIRCON

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Tracey, the rest of the team have asked me to approach you and request that you stop fiddling with the airconditioning thermostat!

by z80al, 5-01-14

 

AGE by z80al 5-01-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Thank you for applying for the cashier role, Ms. Parsons. Now, I know that interview questions like this are taboo, but I do have to ask .....	..... are you quite sure you meet our minimum age requirement, Ms. Parsons?

 

AUDIT DEPT

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Now let me make sure I have this right ….. you say you're from AUDIT DEPARTMENT?!?

by z80al, 5-01-14

 

PLAN B

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. The purpose of today's project meeting, ladies and gentlemen, is to work on our Plan B. And, of course, our Plan B is to come up with a Plan C.

by z80al, 5-01-14

 

RESIGNATION by z80al 5-01-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. I told him I just had to resign. I said I was heartily sick of the endless forms and mindless paperwork around here!	And what did he say to that?	He asked me to fill out a ten-page Exit Questionnaire!

 

MATERNITY LEAVE

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. I'm sorry, Sharlene, but I'm afraid H.R.'s maternity leave policy, as generous as it is, doesn't allow you time off just because your cat had kittens!

by z80al, 5-01-14

 

INTELLIGENT LIFE by z80al 5-01-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. You know, I often sit here and wonder …..	….. Is there intelligent life in other cubicles?

 

OUTSOURCED by z80al 5-01-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Look, let's get one thing straight …..	….. Contrary to rumour, I do NOT "sit around the office all day doing nothing" …..	….. I'm just smart enough to have outsourced all my work!

 

PLAYING GAMES by z80al 5-02-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Trent, how is it that I can come into your office and find you playing games on the computer instead of working?	Well, the simple answer is that I didn't see you coming!

 

BLAME

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Rogerson, this promotion of yours changes the reporting structure ….. From now on, you'll be getting the blame directly from me.

by z80al, 5-04-14

 

INFORMATION by z80al 5-04-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. To tell the truth, I'm finding the whole project frustrating, because I can't get the help I need! But surely, George, we have plenty of information technology?	Ah, yes, Charles, we have more than enough information technology ….. the problem is that we don't have information!

 

DEPRECIATION by z80al 5-05-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Gary, of course there's no question that you're an asset to the company …..	….. It's just that, in recent times, you've been depreciating.

 

BULLY

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Hi, I'm Arthur - I'm new around here .... Tell me, are you the guy they call the office bully?

by z80al, 5-06-14

 

HANG IN THERE by z80al 5-06-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Good morning to all you Senior Executives, and thank you for your submission on a new mission statement for the organisation …..	….. However, as your CEO, I'd prefer something a little more inspiring than "HANG IN THERE!".

 

GEN Y

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Y'know, in my team, we found that, rather than challenging the Gen Y'ers to increase profits, they respond better to "Beat Your High Score!"

by z80al, 5-06-14

 

LATE PROJECT

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. It took us five days to figure out a clever way to cut two days off our project time. That's why we're three days late!

by z80al, 7-19-14

 

WELLNESS PROGRAMME

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. H.R. has this big meeting tomorrow lunchtime to introduce their new staff "Health & Wellness" programme. Do you know who's in charge of bringing the pizza and soft drink and doughnuts?

by z80al, 7-19-14

 

PAPERLESS OFFICE by z80al 7-19-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. I just had Facilities on the phone — apparently, they've gotten wind of I.T.'s plan to introduce the "paperless office" across the organisation …..	And ….. ?	….. And they want to know whether that includes the toilets.

 

WHOSE OPINION by z80al 7-19-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Staff members, it's time to make a decision. As your senior manager, I've given you my thoughts, but of course, that's just one person's opinion …..	….. However, let's not forget whose opinion it is!

 

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Penny, I want to ensure this memo is read by all staff. Please send it in a broadcast e-mail to all, with a subject line of "STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL - MANAGERS' EYES ONLY".

by z80al, 7-19-14

 

PERFORMANCE REVIEWS

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. Gary, I'm far too busy to write performance reviews, so I'll just criticise you in public from time to time.

by z80al, 7-19-14

 

PART-TIMER by z80al 7-20-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ….. I'm working four hours a day at the moment — usually from about 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Ah, so you're employed as a part-timer — I didn't realise that.	No, I'm a full-timer — I just work part-time!

 

NO IDEA by z80al 10-12-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... So, do you think it's possible to implement the computer systems to support this requirement really soon?	Well, anything's possible — we'll have to look into it!	You have absolutely no idea about our business, do you? You have absolutely no idea about I.T., do you?

 

FIRED by z80al 10-12-14
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Trent, you really need to check your e-mails more regularly!	Why's that?	Because I fired you over a week ago!

 

PRISON VS WORK by z80al 10-12-14
IS PRISON BETTER THAN WORK? ..... In prison, they get time off for good behaviour ..... Here at work, good behaviour gets you even more work!	In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you ..... Here at work, you have to carry a security card to unlock all the doors for yourself!	In prison, you can watch TV and play games ..... Here at work, you can get fired for watching TV and playing games!

 

EXPENSE CLAIM by z80al 2-17-15
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Smithers, I just need to ask you about your expense claim for that trip you made down south last week .....	..... I just want to know how anyone can possibly spend $100 a day on meals in Sydney!	Easy, boss — you just have to skip breakfast and lunch!

 

MY HUSBAND'S HOME by z80al 6-22-15
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Hi, Steve — I noticed that you were unexpectedly off sick from work yesterday ..... ..... Yeah, I was pretty crook. But at least my wife seemed absolutely delighted to have me home!	Delighted to have you home?!? What do you mean?	Well, it seemed she just wanted to tell everyone. For example, when the mailman and the postman arrived, she ran out into the street, yelling, "My husband's home! My husband's home!"

 

HARD TO GET PARTS FOR by z80al 6-22-15
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... My wife and I had a blazing row this morning. It seems I made the mistake of less-than-diplomatically alluding to how old she was .....	YOU ABSOLUTE IDIOT!!! Do you mean to say you actually suggested she wasn't as young and as beautiful as the day you married her?!?	Well, not exactly ..... All I said was that, if she were a car, she'd be hard to get parts for.

 

COUNTING TO 10 by z80al 7-31-15
I was helping out one of the I.T. guys in our back office yesterday, keeping track of our equipment, and he told me I didn't know how to count to 10!	You didn't know how to count to 10?!?!? That's ridiculous! What did he reckon was the correct way?	Well, according to I.T., it's supposed to be 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, VISTA, 7 ,8, 10.

 

LOW-CUT DRESS by z80al 10-13-15
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... My wife reckons she's gonna wear that stunning low-cut dress of hers to the office party, but she's a bit worried ..... About what?	Well, she says she never really knows what to talk about at these kind of events ..... And what did you tell her?	I just told her to say no to all the men — the women probably won't talk to her anyway!

 

BLONDE'S GRANDMOTHER by z80al 10-13-15
FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Hey, I saw you interviewing that stunning blonde for the secretary's position this morning — was she suitable? Perfect fit — great personality, top qualifications, you name it!	So you've offered her the job? Well, yes, after she's provided one more document .....	What's that? I've asked her to bring in a photo of her grandmother that I can show to my wife!

 

TELL HUSBAND

FAR, FAR FROM HERE ..... Do you think I should tell my husband? Honey, trust me, husbands are the BEST people to share your secrets with. They'll never tell anyone, because they aren't even listening!

by z80al, 1-23-16

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