All comics by Mocha_Monk

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by Mocha_Monk
10-09-03
So, how'd the night out with that chick work our for you?
She's great, we're going to do it again soon.
Did you get any head?
Jesus! You ask that everytime. What's your deal?
Easy, you gotta plug the hole where the lies come out.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-09-03
Somewhere off the set. . .
We'll that was pretty good, one strip down and a classic dick joke
Yeah, great. . . except for that brilliant misspelling. Way to go ASS!
Do what now?
"So how'd that night out with that chick work our for you." What's wrong with that sentance?
hmmm. . . Luckily the human brain processes words as a whole and not individual letters. We're cool.
You're lucky that what i want to do now is a hate crime. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-09-03
So let me get this straight. Not only did you get sentence wrong, but you mispelled "mispelled" in a comic about spelling errors.
That about sums it up.
You're going to hit me, aren't you.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-09-03
And then came the 1st of the month. . .
Mike, you need to get a job.
I have a job, I'm a philosopher.
Oh really, well why don't you logic us out some rent.
But B, money is worthless, it's a symbolic form of exchange that is meant to allow bartering without goods.
I bet that'll look really nice on your cardboard sign, slacker.
Hey, it's the price we pay for being enlightened. Got a marker? I'm broke.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-12-03
So, How'd the interview go?
I thought I was great. But these guys don't seem to appreciate honesty. . .
Earlier. . .
So, Why would you like to work for this company?
Well, I figure your bureaucracy is convoluted enough to allow me to earn a paycheck while slacking off as much as possible and exploiting any affirmative action benefits for all they're worth. . .
What I don't understand is why I'm suprised.
Perhaps your time in the working world has warped your senses. Me, I gotta keep it real.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-12-03
You know, with a job, you could have bought your own Guinness.
True, but then how would i buy smokes? And hey, I may have found another ride home. . .
Hey, I heard you and your friend talking at the bar. . . you say you're a philosopher? That's soooo cool!
You got it. Plus i dabble in writing and music. Do you like sex?
HEY, I'm a writer AND I can pay for dinner. . . . . damn.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-12-03
Then, on the morning after. . .
If you need me, I'll be finally getting some sleep
Wait a sec. . . All that philosophy garbage gets you laid?
pretty much. . .
. . .
Wanna borrow some Nietzsche?
God yes.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-12-03
So, I've got a date tonight.
Really, used some philosophy on her?
It was Shakespeare, actually.
Heh, did she get the line about the nunnery?
Clever, but no. It was a quote from Othello.
She's a fan of Othello? I think that means I've got dibs.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-13-03
When are you supposed to pick her up?
She's meeting me here, actually.
So what's she like?
She's a really cute blonde. She's smart, and she's got this english accent that gives me major wood.
She. . .she's standing behind me, isn't she?
Bloody right I am.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-13-03
So. . .I'm sorry about that comment earlier, that was just guy talk.
It's no big deal, I'm not upset.
Well that's a relief. So, where do you want to eat, Chloe?
When you say "just guy talk" does that mean you don't find me attractive?
So when you say "not upset" you mean. . .
A virtual cauldron of rage.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-15-03
Wow, this resturant looks a lot like my apartment.
It does remind me of your place. We are at a resturant, right?
Well, I could have just walked you around the block and made my roomate a servant.
Oh, now we're onto racial humor. That's nice.
I just put my foot in my mouth again, didn't I?
That's assuming you ever took it out in the first place.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-15-03
Well, dinner was nice. I think I managed not to say anything stupid throughout most of it.
Heh, subtle way to ask, but yes, dinner was nice. Thank you.
Up for anything else, or should I walk you back to your-
Sure, let's get a pint or two.
So let's recap. You're attractive, recognize Shakespeare, you're witty, and you. . .
drink Guiness, aye. I'm glad you finally accept my perfection.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-15-03
Are you ok? You've been quiet since we got here.
Well, my exgirlfriend used to work here.
Oh. What's she like?
She's kind of tall. Dark hair. Used to always wear this hippie tie dye tshirt. Always snuck up on me and made funny faces. Look, it's really awkward talking about it here.
Oh sodding hell.
She's. . .she's standing behind me, isn't she?

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-16-03
Meanwhile. . . .
hmmmm. . . I wonder how B's date is going. . .
oooooh, baby right there
There have to have been at least 2 awkward moments right now. . .that's how B rolls
aaaaah, harder. . . faster. . .
Well, fuck him for selling out, I've got all the women i need right here. . . . . . . . .yeah, it is.
ohhh, it's sooo biig

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-17-03
Sports suck. . .
Jesus! The Cubs and Sox both blew it. . .
School sucks. . .
Well this takes the fun out of even thinking about Grad School. . .
But it's still all good. . .
SWEET!! New Devon gallery! God sure knew how to clear that shit up!

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-21-03
No, it's not your exgirlfriend.
Oh, well that's good.
It's my exboyfriend.
Oh. Well. That's not so good, is it?
Shite, here he comes, he's likely going to try and borrow a fag.
Yeah, probably. Wait, what? I'm not grabbing my ankles.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-21-03
No, it doesn't mean. . .never mind, just try and get rid of him.
I'll try, I guess.
Uhh. . .hi.
What up holmes, why you gotta be mackin' on my girl?
You've got to be shitting me.
Yo, I'll bust up in here if you don't quit frontin.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-21-03
Look, I'm sure this is awkward for you, but I think it's best if-
Ain't nothin' awkward about it, cuz. Just carry yourself and me and this ho gonna bounce.
What the hell did you just say?
You got a hearin' problem? I said get lost.
You're the one who isn't listening.
Yo, Chloe! Tell this fool to get to steppin' so we can make with the love.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-21-03
Just leave, you twit. I dumped you for a reason.
So she dumped him, that's good. Hopefully it's really over with them.
It's really weird being in the middle of their fight like this. I could sure use a beer or something.
Who is this poser to you anyhow, hot tits?
He's my boyfriend. Now piss off.
Mental note: When in doubt, think about beer.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-21-03
Wait a second, boyfriend?
Fine, I'm through with this crap. Let me know when you're ready for a playa again babycakes.
Well, that was nice and uncomfortable. Here I was hoping we'd shag tonight.
You mean like the carpet?
You silly arse, fags are cigarettes, and shagging is sex.
This is the coolest language gap ever.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-22-03
DO YOU MIND!!!!!!
Oh Shit! Sorry. . . .
Dude, Who's that?
That's for B, which you'd know if you had been around. Where've you been?
Dude, porn.
Ahhh, the boxers and cramped hands seem to indicate guy on guy. . . jesus man.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-22-03
Dude, I told you I'm not gay.
It's cool man, either way you're still my boy.
Now you're patronizing me, thanks ass
I call it support, it's your thing man. . whatever you want to do.
So really I can't say anything here to salvage myself. . .
Hell no, if I let you off the hook now, I'd have to develop new material.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-22-03
Hey Mike, what's up?
Well, after you left for work, Nate, your other roomate, walked in on Chloe in her underwear, which indicates that your date last night ended rather well, despite the appearance of her exboyfriend.
Excellent recap Mike, although you left out the part where Nate was looking at gay porn.
Yeah, well that goes without saying.
I'm still in the room, assholes.
Really? I'm refusing to acknowldge you without pants on.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
Baum chicka baum baum. Pimp daddy B, tappin' that english ass.
You know, if I wasn't in a good mood, you'd be due for a beating.
Ha, and we all know why you're in a good mood, don't we? Specially Nate, who got an eyeful of said reason.
Yeah yeah, I'll give you an eyeful of something if you don't drop it.
I'm just impressed that you can talk all that shit while watching to make sure she doesn't walk up behind you, obsessive compulsive much?
Yeah, just call me the Professional.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
Ahh Hell, I forgot I was going to email that foreign girl I've been talking to online.
So?
Well she hasn't pulled any woman shit yet, and is going to watch Cowboy Bebop, so I feel obliged. She's awesome.
I'm telling you, she sounds too perfect. She's going to want you to shit on her chest.
If I don't have to deal with drama or touch my own feces, I'll do it.
I can't talk to you anymore.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
So seriously, level with me. Did you hit it from the back?
For crying out loud, you know, nobody reacts this way when you get some.
Well with me, they're used to it. You getting laid is like christmas in july.
I. . .damn it, when you're right, you're right.
And hell, I'm proud of you, but next time get her to call you Mikey. . . that always gets to em when I tap it.
Sure, fine. If you'll excuse me, I've got a half naked hot girl in my room, and I think I hear Nate calling you.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
. . .Hi.
. . .Hi.
He regrets it, it was a one night stand, he's afraid of commitment, but he seems really nice, I'll give him a chance, bollocks, I can't believe we fell into bed on the first date, what's he thinking?
Holy crap she's cute.
We should probably have a wee chat.
And that concludes today's demonstration of "awkward silences".

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
I want you to know I don't usually. . .do that on the first date.
What, let the guy pick up the check?
B. . .I'm serious. I don't want you thinking I'm some kind of slut.
Ok, I'm sorry. I crack jokes when I'm nervous. And it's not like I just met you, it's just our first date. I don't think you're like that at all.
So you'll still want to date me if I say I don't think we should have sex again for awhile?
Of course. Would it be bad if I asked you to define "awhile"?

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
Your friends, by the way, are wankers.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that.
I thought that Nate bloke was going to - wait, you didn't stumble over "wanker"?
I wouldn't worry about Nate, he's probably shagging his boyfriend right about now.
Where did you gain this sudden grasp of British slang?
Some things defy language barriers. Like my idiot friends.

 

by Mocha_Monk
10-28-03
Well love, I should be going, I've got work in a bit.
Yeah, ok. I'll. . .see you at the play thing tomorrow, right?
Of course you will. Call us if you you miss us.
Ok, I'll talk to you tonight then. Bye.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-02-03
B seems happy with the new lady and I'm glad for the boy. . .Maybe it's time for me to drop the armor and try dating again for a change. . .
Hey there, do you want me to suck it. . .
Or maybe i should just wait for things to go horribly wrong and prove that cynicism always wins in the end. . .
Oh, yeah, do you like how that feels. . .
That's the ticket, and I get to do the I told you so dance. . . it's kinda like sex, but waay less messy
Hey Ass!!! Are you even paying attention???

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-02-03
But Seriously, Maybe there's more than hooking up at the bar. . .
How bout if you put it in me?
There's actual affection, true love, and all the things I've convinced myself don't happen
Yeah, how bout that, you like that?
Yeah, and maybe Santa wasn't just some guy that came over for christmas and fucked my mom under the tree. . .
That's it, I'm shutting down. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-04-03
Cool, now that I've watched all the Matrix stuff twice I'm all set for Revolutions tommorow. It's going to be sweet!
Way to go fanboy, I hope you don't get the shaft from Hollywood yet again. . .
Nahh, this should be awesome, they're showing it on IMAX and the screen is HUGE!
White people, it's always about size with you. Quality counts, man.
Well, if that's how you feel no more black dick jokes for you.
Whatever man, the chicks do it for me. My ex, Naomi, should still be in my phone.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-04-03
Oh yeah, Naomi. Funny, I was just talking about cold, man hating machines that steal your soul.
Yeah, really glad I took the red pill on that one. Really saved my ass.
No kidding, you've been a lot more chill since she left.
Yeah, it's been months since I talked to her. My balls finally redescended last week.
Well, choke 'em back up Benjy
Oh no, She's standing right behind me isn't she?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-04-03
Uhh, hey Naomi. . . what brings you back?
What's that about your balls?
Well after a couple of years being told they were worthless, they abandoned ship. They're smarter than me.
Makes sense in my mind, I always knew they had the prominant mental position.
Funny, your communication with them was worse than with me.
You know, I can tell B anything I want about your dick, right?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-04-03
So, you ruined my life once, back for round 2?
Well, i was back in town from Radcliffe and i thought i'd stop by. I'm still friends with B and Nate seems cool, though i think he just might be gay
Ah, So visiting B with a side of torture Mike, nice. You know he has a girlfriend right?
No, but I heard through the grapevine. I'm here to meet her too, i figured we'd all go out together.
Help me, I am in hell. . .
You'll know hell when we get there. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
Hide me!
What's the emergency, boyo?
Mike's ex is back in town, I need somewhere to be until she's gone.
I thought she liked you?
That's the problem, she's crazy.
Yeah, estrogen will do that.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
So I know you didn't figure she was actually, comming. . . but why not back out now?
It's too late kid, time to just get it over with.
Yeah, time to take it like Camus said I should. It could be worse. . .
Relax dude, this is suposedly about meeting Chloe anyway, you may not even be a target.
Well, just promise me if a missle goes astray you'll be there to stop the bleeding.
Dude, we gotta get you away from Quake every once in a while.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
Right, so B says you and Mike used to be a pair?
We were on and off for a long time, up until i couldn't take it anymore. I had to break it off.
Mike seems like a decent enough bloke, even if he is a bit of a wanker
I would guess. I just figured he would have grown up by now at least. Seems I was wrong.
Why're we going for a bite then, if you're not still interested?
Well, I still like B, you seem great, and well . . . sometimes you need things from the past, you know?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
Again with the wanker? I'm not that bad dammit.
shhhhh. . . i'm trying to hear, I'm sure she's just teasing anyway.
You sure we should be listening anyway? Seems like a bit of a foul.
Well I'm just trying to help you out, if you want me to back off, lemme know.
uhhhhh. . .just tell me if you hear i may lose something vital.
Well it looks like you've already lost your balls, what else is there?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
After dinner, it's time for drinks of course. . .
Well, I have to say I've had a great time. Nothing too awkward yet, but did you have to tell the "puppy leg" story at the table? That shit's embarassing.
That story's cute, i still chuckle when i think about it. . . I do have some good memories about us you know. . .
Well yeah, me too, but the ones i share don't involve my intimate twitches.
I know, most of yours involve me being psychotic, or good in bed, I'm great with the second half. . .
Like me and the stereotypes, I love the ones about me being great at sports and having a huge wang. . .
Oh, I know. . . and about that second one. . . . Chloe and I were talking and. . .well, thank me later.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
That Naomi isn't really such a bad sort, once you get her talking.
Yeah, I have to admit, she was on pretty good behavior tonight.
You can't be too hard on her, from what she told me, Mike wasn't exactly a prince in the relationship either.
Yeah, but they were young, what're you going to do? You two seemed to be getting pretty friendly.
Aye. *giggle* Learned a few things about your mate as well.
Like what. . .oh hell, you were comparing dick sizes, weren't you? Where's the bartender?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
And yeah, I mean I gotta admit i was a jerk. . . and I had some great times . . . i mean. . . you're just so beautiful and. . .
Oh, God. Mike, are you drunk?
Nahh, I'm fine, just feeling reflective. .. i mean having you back here has gotten me thinking. . . I actually do miss you and. . . i mean. . .
Mike, this may not be the right time for all this. . . maybe we should get you home. . .
Oh good, i was getting tired anyway. . . oh, and we haven't figured out where you're going to sleep. . . there's the couch, my bed. . .
In the condition you're in, it doesn't matter where I sleep, your boy's down for the night.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
Alright buddy, lets get you into bed. . .
Wow, that's the first time I'm heard that from you in a long time. . . you staying?
You'd like that wouldn't you. . . You're drunk, Mike, just go to bed. . .
Heh, I may be drunk, but I remember the other reason you hung out for so long when things went sour. . .
Blah, that slur indicates you're not competition ready.
20 bucks says you don't sleep tonight. . . you game?

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
Umm, perhaps we should spend the night at your place tonight.
Why's that love?
Well, I helped Naomi get Mike into his room, and she's been in there for awhile. Pretty sure I heard the door lock.
I hope they don't bother Nate.
Somehow I doubt it, he's got a different chick in there every night.
Chicks? Your Yank slang always confuses me. I thought chicks were girls.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
So you're leaving. . . this is the part where I thought I would be the most excited.
Oddly enough me too, but either way, nothing to do about it now, my plane's leaving soon. . .
Yeah, I think I heard your cab outside. . . but, before you go, I just wanted to say. . .
Mike, don't. . . I. . . I gotta go
uhhhhh. . . Bye. . .

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-06-03
I left before I could hear the carnage. . .did everything go well?
Top form yet again. .. and she was even better than i remembered
Well why do you look so down. . . .
Everything's even more unresolved now, i think it just may be time to let go
That sucks. . . did you at least get the 20 bucks?
That cheap. . .I thought she was just scared of the "L" word.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-07-03
Happy birthday, bitch!
Oh, you remembered just so you could insult me and not buy anything, how sweet. . .
What can I say? What are you doing with your fine day?
What anyone would do. . . I'm getting lapdances from all kinds of hot strippers.
By lapdances, you mean masturbation, right?
Very funny, ass. Chloe's waiting on me in my room, if I'm not out by noon tommorow call 911.

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-12-03
So for once, I'm happy. Chloe and I are getting along great.
She's smart, she's fun, and she gets along well with my friends.
But that's the thing, my friends aren't happy. And I've never been the one who isn't miserable in the group.
I just wish there was something I could do. If only there were something, or someone, to help Mike cope with having his heart trampled on. . .again.
Oh, hey. Hey everybody, our friend Guinness is here!
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."

 

by Mocha_Monk
11-12-03
Holy Shit! How'd you get here?
"There are many places one can reach through the Ways." "I sense much troubling you, padawan."
You got that right. It's Naomi again, she came, she left, i didn't even get to say goodbye. . .
"The horror, the horror!" "Get thee to a brewery!"
Are you sure I should just try to drink my problems away?
"Do or do not, there is no try."

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