All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
7-15-03
...and after I got my CCNA I decided to start doing web design. Now I only use Linux and a text editor. That's the way that true webmasters do it. And I don't even use anti virus software...
You do realize you're talking to a burning bush don't you?
At night after playing a few hours of Everquest and making fun of noobs I put myself to sleep by doing subnetting....
GRRRRRR!

 

by Ranger77
7-15-03
So let me get this straight. You're a non-biblical burning bush that just likes to hang out and impart wisdom.
Yep. Somebody's got to do it.
Man, what was I drinking when I came up with this...
Actually I prefer the term "combustable botanical american"

 

by Ranger77
7-16-03
A rebuttal by our resident sys admin...
In a recent episode of this "comic strip" I was portrayed as being a whining tech-boy. On top of that I was quoted as calling newbies "noobs" instead of the correct term "n00bs" in hacker speak.
This can only prove that I am incredibly clever and the author of this strip is a fool without mad skillz like me. Besides I hear he only saw Episode I once and hasn't seen Matrix Reloaded yet!
I think I've made my case. In other news, I've found three Star Trek tunes for my cell phone and I'm currently writing Chapter 2 of my fan fiction epic involving Agent Scully, me and Lara Croft.....
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Your time's up. Now come over here and give me a big hug.....

 

by Ranger77
7-17-03
Come on B, just because the initial research suggests that regular masterbation can decrease the chances of prostate cancer? I think you're overreacting.
I respectfully disagree.
Starting a awareness campaign with the slogan "Do or Die"? Sounds a bit sleezy.
We're talking about human life here!!!

 

by Ranger77
7-17-03
On Proofreading. The three stages of editorial rebuttal....#1: Attack....
Ummmm....So we messed up. The last strip was full of grammatical errors. Sue us.
Come on guys, we're only human. Well...somewhat human, anyway. Besides the punchline was pretty funny....
....#2: Denial....
I mean what did you expect...Dilbert? Rose Is Rose? Ziggy?!
Right! It's not like we draw these things ourselves. And you won\'t find topical masterbation humor in Ziggy.....
....#3 Acceptance....
Man, we suck.
Yep. *sigh*

 

by Ranger77
7-18-03
We've been getting some feedback that B, the author of this strip, shouldn't be invisible.
I don't exactly agree but if it's what the audience wants....here we go...
I...uh...hmmm....
Sort of anti-climactic isn't it?

 

by Ranger77
7-19-03
So....I didn't know squirrels wrote comics.
We're actually into alot things. But there are two areas we excel in.
Really?
Yep, chasing tail and trying to bust a nut.
I walked right into that one didn't I.
Straight in. You're making this easy.

 

by Ranger77
7-19-03
Every comic needs a pretty lame and corny episode so...
In the interest of diversity, B has decided to introduce a female character into the strip. He said she was a pretty hot chick, which of course hits all my buttons....
. . . .
Hi.
Aw, come on B....now you're not even trying....
Do I, like, get paid now? If you want anything freaky it's going to cost you another five dollars.

 

by Ranger77
7-20-03
Introducing Iva Biggun, Comic Consultant!
You-Hoo guys just have to understand that it's just not working. There's two-Hoo type of folks at StripCreator: those who truly want to write comics and 15 year old chatroom refugees....
....you're not cutting it with the first type. Misspellings, no flash, no flare, no edginess. If you can't compete with the funny folks there's only one thing you can do-Hoo....
"....change your target audience!"
I REALLY don't like the sound of this.
I think we're about to be screw-Hooed.

 

by Ranger77
7-21-03
Iva Biggun, comic consultant, begins retooling the strip: "Okay guys, first you have to get a background. This minimalist stuff never works. It's not believable."
And a burning bush talking to a squirrel in a warehouse is?
Yeah but you should check out the honey on this calendar!
"The way you two talk is pretty boring. Its the 21st century. The 'Connected Generation'. Live the dotcom fallout! Hacker speak. Obscure references...now read the script I gave you and work it."
"Uh....WTF U R a n00b. I 0wn U?" >:-)
Ah... "k3wl...Anime...is...teh suck...umm....LOL?"
"Finally if you want to appeal to that target SC audience you have to have an edge. Racial comments, slurs with some sex jargon thrown in. None of this subtle stuff. Go for it."
Let's see here, lost my place....ok: "we dont like...lets see...blacks, whites, hispanics, asians, jews, arabs, gays and and....uh....Canadians, b330tch?"
*Ahem* "PENIS PENIS PENIS. FUCK FUCK FUCK. SHIT SHIT SH..." Oh come on, this goes on for another 5 pages!

 

by Ranger77
7-23-03
"This is working. We've increased your readership by 100%!"
Which means that one person looked at our strip.
Big whoop.
"It's still an increase. Now there's only one more thing..."
No. No freakin' way.
You can't be serious.
"Now this is a comic strip!"
Yeah the creativity is REALLY flowing now.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

 

by Ranger77
7-23-03
"Hey wait! What happened."
I think this is what you call rebellion. As in "born in the fires of". heh heh
I suddenly realized that I can respectfully tell you to kiss my furry little ass.
"Guys, guys let's talk about this....."
Besides we found out that in addition to being a Comic Consultant you're Bill Maher's agent.
Given the success you've had with that loser we decided to pass on your services and take our chances with our own level of mediocrity.
"Well I must have done something right the background is still up."
We'd thought we keep it around for one more strip.
Yeah, you ever noticed the picture is actually upside down....?

 

by Ranger77
7-24-03
Uh-oh....er...Bernie?
. . . . !
What's the matter....you've never seen anyone take a nap before?
I'm not sure what's more disturbing, the "zap" sound effect or the realization that I may have seen you naked...

 

by Ranger77
7-25-03
On gender diversity....
I think we need more characters in the strip. Aside from that crap advice we got from the consultant, it might be a good idea to broaden our appeal.
Yeah, I see your point.
So I'm thinking we start by recruiting a female character. We set up some interviews and find the best candidate.
I like that. Nice and professional. We have to let potential characters know that they will treated with the utmost respect here.
So....BRING ON THE HOOCHIES!
Indeed.

 

by Ranger77
7-27-03
The interviews begin....
So why do you want to be in this strip?
My counselor said it would help me readjust to society after all those years doing heroin.
Uh....really....
It's not that I'm psychotic or anything. That whole armed robbery thing was just a cry for help. Violence distracts me from those voices that sound like Ed Asner in my head.
That's....interesting....
So is this going to take any longer? The folks from Springer are holding auditions in my trailer park this afternoon....

 

by Ranger77
7-28-03
B takes a shot at interviewing candidates....
So I like told him, that Paris Hilton is so like yesterday and if you really want a role model stick with Reese Witherspoon.
Anyway for this job of yours, I will need at least 3000 a week, fresh Evian water delivered at 8am and 12pm every day, and facilities for Snookie, my poodle. Also on Thursdays I see my spiritualist.
You have an exceptionally big head.
You try doing 53 Botox injections everyday for a week and see if you don't get a little swelling....

 

by Ranger77
7-30-03
The interviewing process for a new female character takes an unexpected turn.
....and with my extensive acting and modeling experience I'm sure I can be an integral character in this strip.
Ok I give up. What are you?

 

by Ranger77
8-02-03
Deception....!
I'm going to be honest with you...your references didn't check out.
Damn it....ok I'll confess. I'm not a model.
I....was a Microsoft software engineer assigned to their Trustworthy Computing initiative. I was tasked with ensuring no vulnerabilities were present in its operating systems.
You poor thing. That explains ALOT.
It's okay....my life has gotten better since I had the plastic surgery done.

 

by Ranger77
8-07-03
Yes....still interviewing....
So why do you Ms...Smith feel you're suited to be in this comic. Do you have any professional acting experience?
Not really unless you count the nude modeling and the girl/girl stuff I did last year.
I'm going to just pretend for a few more seconds that I haven't made my decision yet.
Works for me.

 

by Ranger77
8-09-03
"Ok guys, I needed to call a staff meeting. We've got a situation."
My aren't we getting fancy.
And to think I gave up doing porn for this.
"In short we're being sued. Someone filed a suit saying that we were being discriminatory to applicants on the basis of looks when we hired Helena"
You have got to be kidding.
What ambulance chasing moron would even try to sue a comic strip?
"I'll give you one guess."
Now once again, you suffered emotional trauma and feelings of rejection which caused you to seek professional help and medication.
Damn straight! After the interview me and Jolene must have downed about eight cans of Schlitz each before we broke out the Crazy Horse. Damn that stuff makes my nipples itch!

 

by Ranger77
8-09-03
In the face of a discrimination lawsuit, the Ranger's World crew begins to prepare for a fight.
We.....have....a lawyer?
When I created this comic I decided that we might need one.
Well I feel better then. Is this guy good?
Oh yeah....He's got lawyer written all over him. I didn't want to get just any hack for a staff lawyer so I hired a real pro. Helena's meeting with him now.
...so after Yale I worked with a couple firms out west until I got hired on here. Mainly Tort and some Patent law.....
I could swear this guy tried to pick me up at a Hooters in Georgia once....

 

by Ranger77
8-09-03
In the midst of the strip's legal problems another more pressing problem has occurred....
Dammit! Chuck!
(Introducing Chuck, Ranger's World: Stage Manager)
Chuck, what the hell happened?
Dude, I've got it handled. I caught the correct spelling of SIEGE and its up now. The whole Helena/Ms. Smith thing will be resolved in the courtroom scene and the owl will get his accent back.
(Also introducing our first Stripcreator in-joke.)
I'm sorry Chuck. I should've known you'd be on it.
No worries little dude. Now you got to tell me. . . . is that Helena chick a lesbian?

 

by Ranger77
8-11-03
The lawyers meet. A possible settlement in the making? Naah....
You realize of course this suit is frivolous.
My client has suffered greatly at the hands of these "comic characters." Justice will prevail.
Your client isn't trustworthy. Your own motives are suspect.
That's where you-Hoo and I differ. I represent the little people. I haven't sold my soul in order to become a lawyer.
Actually according to my records you have.
Well that depends on how you-Hoo define "selling."

 

by Ranger77
8-12-03
Inside the plaintiff's lair....
So, what did they say about our settlement offer.
I presented it to-Hoo their lawyer and he said that the Ranger's World staff would have to-Hoo look at it collectively.
I don't know....I'm starting to get nervous about this. I was counting on a settlement. With my history I don't want to go to trial.
No need to-Hoo worry. They will see the errors of their ways. Ah....here's a fax from their attorney.
This says "Kiss our collective ass, bitch."
You'd be surprised how often that phrase represents the point where negotiation begins....

 

by Ranger77
8-12-03
Helena fights back!!
That wasn't very smart. You should have sent the real fax that I wrote.
Oh, come on...you were just going to turn the offer down yourself. Besides this whole thing is absurd
That's not the point. I'm paid to do my job. Let me do it. No more theatrics, ok?
Maybe you should have told me that before I sent them that bucket of KFC.
You....sent them....
Extra crispy. Only the best....

 

by Ranger77
8-13-03
So our lawyer says he convinced Biggun not to press charges. Seems sending a bucket of Extra Crispy to an owl and a chicken could be considered a threat.
That's good...still you have to give Helena some points for style. What did they want anyway?
Fifty thousand dollars, which was ridiculous. We sent back a counter offer today.
Do you think she'll take it?
"I find it hard to believe she won't consider it...."
A...case of Old English 800 Malt Liquor and a Jerry Springer for Congress bumper sticker. What kind of fools do they think we....
I'll take it!

 

by Ranger77
8-16-03
And now a word from our sys admin.
Hello...lets talk about all this hype on cyber terrorism. Alot has been said of hacking into SCADA systems and bringing down the whole national power grid. This is ridiculous. Furthermore....
And now back to our regularly scheduled program....

 

by Ranger77
8-16-03
Comics consultant and lawyer Iva Biggun talks with our own Helena Buckett.
I must say I'm disappointed about this "settlement", but my client lacked resolve.
Your client was a flake with more felony convictions than Shug Knight. I'm surprised she could even walk straight with all the drugs in her system.
Ah, but it is undeniable that you became a member of this strip because of your looks.
Yeah, well that and my Masters in Media Communications, the book I wrote on political cartoons and the stand up gig I did for a year at a comedy club in Chicago.
Well...that's impressive I suppose....
Of course starring in "Booty Runners 5" and "Lickin' Chicks" didn't hurt any either.

 

by Ranger77
8-17-03
Who killed Bernie the Burning Bush?!
I'm sleeping....idiot!
Who got Charlene pregnant?!
Umm....which time?
Forbidden Love: 'B' the Squirrel and Helena Buckett!?
Hey, now that's not a bad idea!
Keep dreaming, Thumper...

 

by Ranger77
8-17-03
Hey Chuck! Are you in the control room? What the hell is this!?
Uhh...either it's a misplaced Stripcreator graphic, or half of the bench you're sitting on has penetrated the space-time continuum.
Space-time continuum? Are you high or something?
Not yet. But dude, think about it....Space. Time. Continuum. That's pretty heavy....
*Sigh* Yeah...smells like a plot device that should have been rejected to me.

 

by Ranger77
8-19-03
...so dude, he like can't move. If he does he might destabilize the harmonic bond between him and the transdimensional rift.
One question.....are you high?
Not YET. Dude, this is serious. Our little squirrel brother could be like stuck on that bench forever.
*sigh* Pseudo scientific silliness. I'm going to get to the bottom of this myself.
Dude, you can't possibly understand the quantum forces at work here. You don't even like the Sci-Fi channel!
Have another phat blunt, Chuck....

 

by Ranger77
8-20-03
Bernie get out of here! I know this sounds strange but....
No, a comic about talking squirrels and burning bushes is strange. This dimensional rift stuff is just dumb. Now just cut it out and get off that....
Oh. Shit.
Oh. Shit.

 

by Ranger77
8-20-03
....so since Bernie is a creature of pure energy, he created some kind of like temporal flux which transformed him into a mirror image of B. This is bad. Game Over, man, like Game Over.
Right. One question: Are you high?
NOT YET! Why is everyone asking me that! The truth is like we have to do something and soon before the rift goes into entropic decay and wipes out both of them.
Okay, Okay. I dated a trekkie....for a few hours. I think I know what to do....
"....I just hope those guys are okay."
....so as long as you keep flicking your tail, the itchiness in your butt goes away.
Got it. That's amazing. For years I just though it was just some nervous reflex.

 

by Ranger77
8-21-03
"Dudes! The new chick has got an idea. She thinks a focused beam of energy can disrupt the rift long enough so that you both can like get away."
I'm not sure I like the idea of you playing with energy weapons.
Me either. After all you JUST got your driver's license back.
"I wasn't drinking when that cop stopped me and I told you that shotgun in the back seat belonged to my cousin."
Regardless, beams of energy....that doesn't sound safe.
And where do we get this energy gun from anyway?
"Dude you just can't buy a particle beam cannon from a store. Geez, are you guys THAT naive? You have to hit eBay for that shit. Helena's the high bidder so far on some Beryllium cooling rods..."
Okay this just got surreal.
Just!?!?

 

by Ranger77
8-22-03
Ok, I got the core installed and the power levels seem to be like level.
The guidance and targeting system is all set up. We should be ready to go.
ENERGY LEVELS NOMINAL. BRINGING TARGETING SUBROUTINES ONLINE.
Should we, like, tell them what's about to happen.
Nope. Trust me it's better that we just do it. They can thank us later. I'm starting the sequence now.
TARGETING SEQUENCE COMPLETED. PREPARING TO FIRE.
Cool system you got there. I always thought these kind of things used Unix or a proprietary OS. Looks like you're using Windows 2000. Did you patch it?
Patch? What do you mean by "patch."

 

by Ranger77
8-22-03
0:05
Squirrels also have a sixth sense. Take now for example, I've got this feeling of something about to happen.
It might just have something to do with that targeting reticule that just appeared between us.
0:00
Er...You don't think those idiots would....
Yep.

 

by Ranger77
8-24-03
"Ummm Helena....I think we have, like, a small problem."

 

by Ranger77
8-24-03
In times of tragedy, it is the trumph of human spirit that ultimately survives. You pick up the pieces and move on. You figure out how to "live through"
People who you didn't recognize before as heroes....as leaders, emerge. A spirit of community begins to flourish. Petty differences are forgotten....
But being this is a comic strip....
What do you mean it was my fault! Any moron should know that you can't just put a base install of Windows 2000 unto production. Gimme a freakin' break.
Well let's see, I create the damn thing by your specs and then I discover that parts of it are from a frickin' George Foreman Grill. Think that might have something to do with those piles over there?

 

by Ranger77
8-25-03
Okay here's the deal. I like ran the molecular analyzer over those piles of ash and found something, like, very interesting.
Molecular analyzer? Chuck, I'm sorry but are you high?
Yes, alright! Geez. Anyway, there were only components of that bench found in both piles. No organic material from B and no carbon debris from Bernie.
So what are you saying?!
Somewhere in Canada....
Officer, I assure you I have no idea how I appeared suddenly in that woman's car.
I suppose an explanation of how you "suddenly" appeared between her legs while she was driving is a mystery too, eh?

 

by Ranger77
8-26-03
Ok, so I ended up in a Starbuck's in Cleveland.
And I spent the better part of the night running from the law in Canada. All in all a pretty busy week for the crew here at Ranger's World.
But we aren't folks who tend to hold a grudge. If fact no DIRECT retalitory action was taken against Helena and Chuck.
Especially when you consider that all that exposure to quantum energies had some temporary effect on their....appearance.
I'm...wearing *gulp* Tommy Hilfinger. Dude, I think I'm going to hurl.
Must....get...minivan....and...take kids to....soccer practice.....

 

by Ranger77
8-27-03
Meanwhile....at a highly secret facility outside of Detroit.
Our operatives indicate that the rather cliched "Transdimensional" story line attracted two extra readers. Director, I think this means trouble.
I agree. The pseudo-scientific references combined with blantant cynicism....this cast seems to be resourceful, even if they have no talent.
I've done some research, Director. Our efforts to tank this bunch has so far relied on disruption. I think at this point we should do something a bit out of the ordinary.
Hmmm. interesting. I like the way you think, Felkins. Go on....
I think we should get the Ranger's World crew a corporate sponsor.
*gasp* My God, Felkins. I never knew you were so cruel. I almost feel sorry for the bastards. Ah well....make it so.

 

by Ranger77
8-28-03
"Well I'm glad to see everyone back in one place and normal again. Hope you guys don't mind my staff meetings."
B, as long if it doesn't involve energy weapons and Microsoft products, I'm cool.
I'm just glad to be myself again. Watching all that Lifetime television was making me loopy.
"Good. Today we have a bit of a situation that I'm not quite sure how to take. A major corporation wants to sponsor the strip."
That's....interesting.
I say go for it....its about time we get paid around here. Who's the company?
"A conglomerate called....let's see....D&G. Stands for Diss and Genuous."
Should I get worried now or what?
I would.

 

by Ranger77
8-31-03
We're flattered, but more than a little concerned about this offer to sponsor us.
Don't worry about it. That's why you hired me. When their legal counsel gets here, I'll find out their true intentions
"Guys, the lawyer from that company is here."
Thanks Helena. Ok...I'll be up in the control room. Kick their ass.
Consider it done.
How ya doin'! Bruce Azog, Media Relations for D&G.
This should be interesting....

 

by Ranger77
9-02-03
Here's the deal. D&G wants product placement rights and editorial review of scripts when the subject matter jeopardizes its brand image.
So I'm just suppose to roll over and let these fat cats in here and take over the strip?
They maintain they want business as usual around here....whatever that means.
I'm not getting good vibes about this. Product placement? Brand image? Sounds like a bunch of marketing crap to me.
Yourself, you get the title of Executive Producer and get paid 50% higher than any other cast member.
Of course in this economy, we must do what we can to support industry.

 

by Ranger77
9-02-03
And so our "Executive Producer" meets with upper management: Diss and Genuous CEO Bick Smith (EverQuest handle: Byck Smythe)
I'm really glad you're considering our offer, B. D&G is a great place to work. I'll tell you this, I've been CEO at seven companies since '98 but this one is by far the best.
*sigh* Another dot-bomb E-refugee. I've got nuts older than him.
And best of all, D&G is an AMERICAN company, lock stock and barrel. We say that with pride!
I see...so, Bick, how do your call centers in India, programming out of Pakistan and manufacturing plants in Mexico figure into all that.
Umm...did you try the Lattes in our Cafe Americain? They sure are swell!
. . . .

 

by Ranger77
9-02-03
And while the "Executives" speak, the D&G creative team moves in....
So....er....Chuck. I'm Trevor, the director of "Creative Development" at D&G. I've bounced around Hollywood for over 20 years. I'm positive we can really get things moving around here.
Before I got this gig, I was a bouncer at a strip club in Tucson. I got fired when I almost like killed someone by shoving a beer bottle down his throat.
You want me to stay out of your way don't you?
Yep.

 

by Ranger77
9-05-03
A mother-daughter interlude....
I just don't understand you Helena.
Mom....look, yes I joined a comic strip but the guys I work with are pretty cool.
"Pretty cool guys" don't pay the bills honey. You had a good career going and you blew it all for this uncertain, unstable .... thing!
It....was.....time for a change. Besides if this company becomes our sponsor, I'll get paid a decent salary.
You WERE getting $5000 a gig. Why in the hell did you give up porn?! What the hell were you thinking?!
Maybe I got tired of hearing all these producers talk about my Mom's ability to take the "high hard one" in the good old days.

 

by Ranger77
9-05-03
B, I didn't mind much when you decided to make me the "geek" in this strip but this is just too much. I'm the Sys Admin for this strip not D&G. They don't own us yet!
Eugene, I'm sorry but before they allow us VPN access to their network, D&G Info Security had to run an audit on us. I must say what they found is disturbing.
So I don't use any anti virus or client firewalls. I have an wireless access point and a Linux server running an old copy of Sendmail....but come on I'm a Sys Admin! I know what I'm doing!!
They say your systems had been comprimised by so many malicious agents and spyware it was just a matter of who you weren't giving out information to.
"That's ridiculous. Who'd want to spy on me?!"
This just in, Director. Eugene has renewed his subscription to bootygirls.com, downloaded a blurry version of Two Towers, and obtained a bunch of Babylon 5 soundtrack mp3s.
How predictable. Felkins, contact our friends at the RIAA and the MPAA. Find out his password and post it on one of those trading message boards and oh yes, delete a few random files.

 

by Ranger77
9-06-03
And so...
You're sure about this thing?
I've checked it, done the numbers and everything points to the fact that this is a good deal for all of us.
I'm not entirely convinced D&G is sincere.
It's like this: either these guys truly want to sponsor the strip or its all part of some grand shadow conspiracy to bring down the strip.
Heh...make you think doesn't it.
I usually find that I scare myself by the last panel of any given strip.

 

by Ranger77
9-07-03
So it's my pleasure to announce the acquisitio...er sponsorship of the comic strip Ranger's World. We see this as a paradigm and strategic move....
Hey weren't you the same guy that ran Epoop.com, that web based pet waste removal service?
Eugene, are you sure that you didn't like mess around with that paticle beam gun?
Sure, blame the 'geek'. I'm getting sick of the being the butt of all these jokes. I'm a Sys Admin, dammit!
The deal is complete, Director. The sponsorship is underway.
Very good Felkins, now we can...Oh hell! Will someone please kill the lights!!!

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