All comics by coathangerabortion

Profile

 

i think it's high time we bought a house
what a great idea
let's start by calling the real estate people
this is exciting
what a beautiful house it has 21 rooms

 

hey boss how was your weekend
whoa, hang on, how'd you get that black eye?
i was in the kitchen and i tripped and banged myself on the edge of the counter
ouch
well i wouldn't worry about it you can barely see it

 

hi phillip how was your weekend?
uneventful. old ball and chain you know, hahaha
so did you get in a fight or something? that's a nasty black eye
no, i banged myself on a counter
ah, well it's barely noticeable, just forget i said anything

 

hey, i heard about the black eye. tough break.
oh, hi ted. how was your weekend?
did you get it during kinky sex? did she punch you or kick you? were you tied up? were you tied to the bed? did she use wax? did she use needles? how about sandpaper?
did she use that? did she rub it on your chest? did she make you wear it as a condom? did you ever turn the tables? did you use her tits as a dartboard?
bye ted

 

oh no a ghost what do you want from me
please, you have to help me move on to the afterlife
no can do
did i stutter

 

wow, that's a lot of ambulances
yeah they came from the hospital i guess
you don't say
yeah, go figure huh?
are you sure?
hey man, all i know is what the paramedic told me

 

what do we know about the victim?
female. approximately 130 pounds. physically active. red hair, green eyes. slender body type.
big chested. taut stomach. long, shapely legs. sculpted buttocks. innocent face. tattoos on her lower back and right thigh.
you know, we just might crack this case
tight pussy and ass. still warm upon discovery

 

hey have you ever seen die hard?
maybe, what was it about?
it was about these three guys who fall in love with the same girl and the girl is secretly in love with her boss but they don't know it
no i don't think i've seen that one
it was pretty good i'd reccommend it
yeah i'll rent it sometime

 

draw at ten paces
sounds good to me, bitch
wow, this is so exciting
i love battle of the jesuses, i'm so glad we could get tickets

 

hey nerd, got a minute
um sure i guess so
just thought you'd like to know i'm the one who put you in that wheelchair
what, why'd you do that
because you're an ugly loser and i thought you deserved it
oh, my bad

 

ho ho ho welcome to my workshop
some workshop
excuse me?
all it is is a road, there aren't any elves or presents or anything
you're gay

 

hey man, how's it going
things could be better, there's really been something weighing on my conscience lately
aw man, what's the matter? remember, you can always tell me anything
well, truth be told i raped a white woman
wow, yeah that's terrible
actually on second thought i don't care

 

life sure is tough on this island
yeah we're probably going to have to eat those coconuts soon
and once they're gone we'll have to eat that palm tree and then the sand
and once all that's gone we'll have to eat our own penises
LATER
hey i don't have a penis can i have some of yours

 

"bat"ter up lololol
what are you talking about?
what i'm trying to say is you're a fatass
fuck you i don't need to take that from some bird in a cage
try sucking blood from somebody who isn't a chocolate bar next time, fatty
eat a dick, i've tried

 

bro i'm riding a wave of hate
what
ten miles high and thirty broad pure hate through and through
how can i get a piece of that action
you can't this wave of hate is travelling at 3000 mph
wow that's fast

 

yay! it's santa
ho ho ho merry christmas little girl what do you want for christmas
a dollhouse
how about my cock instead
okay
just kidding it isn't christmas it's thanksgiving

 

hi i'm superman, extreme superhero porn star
superman i want you to be in my next movie
what's it called
oceans thirteen
but i am a porn star not a regular star
oh my mistake, sorry superman

 

hi i'm a pimp
where are your hoes
sleeping
are they tired
yeah it's been a long day

 

long live the south
holla
die you yankee bastards
jefferson davis doesn't have a scrotum
what
he doesn't have a scrotum or a urethra

 

how's it going general sherman
i'm glad you asked, we're gonna kill those rebel scums
cool wanna make out
no i'm a man
oh sorry the dress made me think you were a chick
i'm not even wearing a dress, what the fuck are you talking about

 

so i just finished reading pride and prejudice
yeah? was it good?
yeah it was fucking awesome, nonstop pulse pounding action
wow
the middle did kind of drag though and the ending was a little contrived
sounds like a real page turner

 

hello i am a black man
what but you look like the devil to me
OH I GET IT HAHAHA

 

hey i got a letter
what does it say
dear fred, i raped your girlfriend and got away with it because i'm a cop
dude go kick his ass i'd be so pissed off if i were you
well he is a cop i guess i can let it slide this once
yeah you're right

 

boohoo boohoo
what's wrong sir
i put a used condom in my potato salad and now i can't get it out
did you try grabbing it
yeah several times
i'll get the manager

 

and what would you like for christmas little boy?
nothing
how about i give you the gift that keeps on giving, a GAMECUBE
but that's like the exact opposite of what i asked for
LATER
this is terrible there is no third party support and the online support is lackluster at best

 

eight miles high
what
do you like the byrds
no who the fuck likes the byrds

 

make love not war
word, fucka
is that letter for me
no it's for brian lee of charlotte west virginia
oh well then do you have any letters for me
no these are pretty much all for brian

 

so dad i came out of the closet yesterday
really? where was i
watching mtv
what video
hinder: "lips of an angel"
oh yeah

 

hi there do you have the lord in your life
no
cool me neither let's go catch a movie
nah i've seen everything that's playing
what about mr. holland's opus
seen it

 

dear santa this year for christmas i would like 60 assorted rock albums that i can resell on amazon at competitive prices! sincerely, the hulk
MEANWHILE AT THE NORTH POLE
ho ho ho let's send him 60 copies of wyclef jean sings ballads for a manatee's vagina
fuck yeah
BUT THE PACKAGE DOESN'T ARRIVE ANYWAY
there is no contact info on santa's website i think i've been ripped off

 

hey four eyes i'm robopimp
hi robopimp can i solicit pussy from one of your employees
no
but isn't it bad business to refuse a customer
no

 

i have HIV, welcome to mcdonalds
thanks i'll have a big mac
we are out of big macs
well when do you get your next shipment
tomorrow
guess i'll have the fish filet thing then

 

hi i'm new york
and i represent new jersey
we have an intense rivalry
many people suffer gang related violence due to the bad blood between our territories
YEAH STATUE OF LIBERTY
GO ORIOLES

 

doctor will my wife live
no
that's cool i guess
yeah she was dead on arrival, it was pretty sweet
nice
yeah i know

 

i'm so excited to have a vagina! i don't know what to do first
ah i get it, did you just have a sex change?
no i've been a woman my entire life
how old are you?
24
hmm this doesn't make sense

 

that was great sex, tombstone
thanks
are you up for another round
mm oh yeah baby
MOMENTS LATER
oh no i'm sorry this has never happened before
yeah, whatever

 

coney island baby is my favorite lou reed album. it has eleven songs with 33 lines each.
i tickled your family.
That's what SHE said!

 

hi i'm jack bauer and there are 24 hours in a day and each day is an episode
sounds intriguing
yeah i'm also a bat
that is beyond intriguing
i also have a crown sometimes

 

angel my son has too many pimples
i see, this is a grave sin indeed
put the fear of god in that boy, make him change his evil ways
in your dreams maybe
cmon please
no

 

look at your penis
look at me
look at your penis

 

so i was hanging out with ted kennedy yesterday
go on
he looked pretty good seemed very energetic
wow thats a relief
he offered me drugs but naturally i turned them down
smart move peer pressure is a very dangerous thing

 

i shot heroin with mother teresa yesterday
shut up youre scaring the bears
whatever no im not
yeah you are you cocksucker
but yeah she overdosed it was the best
seriously man those bears are fucking pissing their pants right now

 

welcome to channel 8 news, today firefighters put out a dangerous blaze that threatened the entire downtown area
good job guys, let's buy some fall out boy albums
LATER
dang they don't have the new one

 

whats our situation
hmm according to my sensors theres zombies trying to get in here
on top of that i'm apparently holding a gun in my other hand and get this i have pointy ears
im wearing a belt too wow it just gets stranger

 

wow look at all this paper
no dont it's a trick
close one
hells ya
my dick is bronze

 

i wonder what would happen if i put my bronze dick on some of this paper
i dunno try it
what if i get aids
only gay people can get that
LATER
wow i guess im gay
yeah guess so

 

merry christmas i got you a tomahawk hope it fits in your wigwam see ya
wait im not an indian
oh really, is that so
yup im of german ancestry
oh yeah well i have like 700 reindeer so take that you homo

 

so there i was watching you me and dupree
go on
the entire movie i was grabbing my balls
the end
dude i wasnt through yet
my bad please continue

 

and since pears are indeed yellow that would make mr. eko a pinhead
anyways in todays email tom from the ok corral writes "dear mr. oreilly, your show is awesome but yesterday i ate an entire pineapple unassissted"
great letter tom a signed copy of culture warrior coming your way

 

sup im babar the wiggling dick
uh dont you mean babar the elephant
no

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