All comics by dezi000

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by dezi000
1-15-06
I think that after someone goes through a romantically traumatic experience, it's only natural...
the police called, bro...
...to look through one's life and try to remember the good people in your past that have made you happy.
they said that girl that you went on that date with 15 years ago in high school doesn't want you leaving her anymore sad bastard creepy messages.
It just seems so logical to me.
they also said that you're not allowed to use google at 4 a.m. anymore.

 

by dezi000
1-15-06
you have like a thousand dvd's. how come all i ever see you watching is regular tv?
I like the commercials.
bro? what?
When commercials come on in the middle of the show I pretend that they're talking only to me and I don't feel so lonely.
you're, like, half a fag aren't you, bro?
OH MAN! I WISH!

 

by dezi000
1-15-06
hey bro! good to see you out and about! you feeling ok now? the operation go ok?
Huh?
the last couple of times i was at your place, you had that hideous growth coming out of your...well...you know.
What? I didn't have a growth. What are you talking about? Where did I have a growth?
You know...that growth on your ass, bro...
OH! Nonono. That wasn't a growth, it's my couch. They wouldn't let me bring it in here.

 

by dezi000
1-15-06
In the interest of fairness- S.E. has insisted on equal time once a week. We here at TTSP do apologize.
I was on this Red Sox message board the other day...
...and I got into this vicious argument with what turned out to be a 16 year old girl. The thing went from being an innocent baseball debate...
...and turned into a huge exchange of insults and disgusting personal jabs. After about an hour I pulled myself together.
I took a step back, collected my thoughts and said, "WHOAWHOAWHOA! This is stupid. What the hell are you doing? Is this what your life has become???"
I mean really? Arguing baseball with a girl? For real...shame on me.

 

by dezi000
1-16-06
all I'm saying is that i'm concerned about the direction that you're leading us. you're turning us into agoraphobic, loser couch potatoes! you have got to snap out of this!
You're crazy! All right- I don't go out much- but that doesn't make me agoraphobic, a loser or a couch potato!
all right, all right! maybe you're right...by the way- who got eliminated on the real world / road rules challenge yesterday?
MAN! First Beth got into a fight with Montana and then the team voted Beth into The Gauntlet- but it was Beth's choice and she chose this tug of war thing and she beat Ruthie! It was awesome!!!
i hate you...i really frickin' hate you.
You want to talk about hate? Woohoo does Beth hate Montana...that's going to come to a head one of these weeks and when it does??? Watch out boy!

 

by dezi000
1-16-06
hey jesus? did you really say that if we look at another person with lust then we have already committed adultery with them in our heart.
when did i say that?
i don't know? i'm assuming a long time ago when you said all that other stuff...
the thing is, bro- things were a lot different back then. i had a lot of personal stuff happening. my dad didn't like my girlfriend and don't even get me started on judas...
i'm just going to go.
...i had a big frankincense problem that i couldn't kick.

 

by dezi000
1-20-06
i can't wait for the big football game this weekend. i'm stoked! are you stoked? i'm so stoked!
what are you talking about? football's over. remember? the pats turned the ball over 5 times? lost to denver?
no, dude. the seahawks game. they play carolina? it's on. this sunday.
the sea what? carawho? what are you talking about? there's no game on this weekend.
you do know that there are more teams than the new england patriots.
oh, yeah, i know. there's also the team that loses to the new england patriots. everyone knows that.

 

by dezi000
1-22-06
what the...you're done playing your new video game already? what's it called?
Yeah. It's called "The Suffering" It wasn't what I thought it was going to be at all.
what was it about? you were screaming a lot.
You're this disturbed inmate in a haunted prison & you got to kill all these monsters. Really bloody. You get a shiv and a flamethrower. The ghosts were pretty good.
that sounds great! what was wrong with it?
The name! How can something called "The Suffering" not be about me??? I was dying to see how my life would turn out once I had the cheat codes.

 

by dezi000
1-22-06
am i the only one that's sick of jamie foxx??? i mean, we get it...you're very talented and you're black...
you're a very talented acting, singing, tv special having, red carpet walking, strong black man with lots of famous friends. how's about taking a day off there jamie???
he was awesome in snow dogs though.

 

by dezi000
1-22-06
Haiku Night At The Sad Bastard Cafe.
ahem.
I could hear the rain - Falling out in my garden - I was all alone.
Thank You! Thank You!
BRO? What the hell was that???

 

by dezi000
1-22-06
Haiku? Well, it's a form of Japanese poetry having 3 unrhymed lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables, dealing with nature or the seasons.
that's stupid, bro. that's not poetry. anyone can do that.
Well I bet you can't do it!
i love fried chicken - i would kick you in the nuts - for some kfc.
Where's the nature in that?
duh! chickens!

 

by dezi000
1-29-06
i feel a strong disturbance in the force.
hey, bro, jesus called while you were at the video store.
No, he didn't.
yes, he did.
I don't think he even has my number.

 

by dezi000
1-29-06
i feel a strong disturbance in the force.
hey, bro! jesus called for you while you were at the video store. he said he's really busy today but he wants to talk to you so you should just keep calling back over and over till he answers.
No, he didn't. Is this like the time you told me that chicks dig assertive guys and I got the restraining order? I sitll can't tour the White House because of that.
why would i lie about this??? whatever, bro! the guy only died for your sins! he said he felt bad for ignoring you lately. but, hey, you do what you want.
Wow! Did he really say that? I have been feeling like he's been avoiding me! He probably just wants to apologize, huh?

 

by dezi000
1-30-06
why do they always pipe in the saddest bastardiest music in these stores? am i buying a shirt or going to an offing myself convention?
Oh, I really like it! It's so cool to hear "Broken Wings" and "The Flame" in succession. It's soothing. It makes me feel contemplative.
you know what was awesome?
No, what?
when you used to be a man.
Yeah, that was awesome! OOOOOOOO! "ENDLESS LOVE"! I'll be in home decor looking at candles and crying for no particular reason!

 

by dezi000
1-30-06
I was stuck behind this bus in traffic today. There was a billboard on the back of it that really caught my attention.
It said that if you were irritable or losing sleep or if you have racing thoughts or feelings of inadequacy you may be bipolar.
It really got me thinking. I mean, I have all those things. Could I be bipolar?
helllllloooooo! did you just meet me? damn, bro! i swear half the time i'm just talking to myself!

 

by dezi000
1-30-06
kanye. kanye. kanye. kanye.
(sigh)
who's the goldigger now, bitch?

 

by dezi000
1-30-06
i just got us a date with that hot chick we met at the bar the other night!
No way! It's too much pressure! I don't want to go!
too bad. now listen, when we get there, just shut your yap and let me do all the talking. and so help me god! if you so much as mention star wars or trading spaces, i'll kill you.
Argh! Sonofa...I'm going to stress about this for hours! Why didn't you just bring me there without telling me that we were going on a date???
you know why? i think i'm genuinely addicted to that face you make when you're really confused.
I get that a lot. I'm going to go call the psychic hotline.

 

by dezi000
2-01-06
A woman in New Zealand offered 42 million tons of dog food to the starving children in Kenya. She says it's fit for humans & better than eating rice.
Kenya, of course, has declined and called the gesture "absurd," "insulting," "offensive" and "immoral".
Why didn't she just offer them milky bones for dessert while she was at it and completely ruin the space / time continuum???
pssst...bro? she did. have you noticed that sometimes the punchlines for these things aren't nearly as punchy as the set ups?

 

by dezi000
2-01-06
happy black history month, kanye.
have you heard that i'm comparing myself to jesus now?
blink. blink.
yeah, i have to fight for recognition and suffer for my success.
yeah. see? this is why i can't talk to you.

 

by dezi000
2-01-06
who sent you a letter?
It's my monthly update from The American Idol Fan Club.
i have no idea how you can watch that show! and don't you tell anyone down the bar that you're a member of that fan club or i'll punch you in the nuts.
It says here that American Idol is doing so well in the ratings that it's knocked "Commander and Cheif" into an indefinite hiatus.
my god! simon! you brilliant cheeky bastard! well played, my dastardly friend. well played. this is like finding out your syphillis cured your herpes. i'm so confused right now.

 

by dezi000
2-01-06
happy black history month, kanye.
have you heard that i'm comparing myself to jesus now?
blink. blink.
yeah, i have to fight for recognition and suffer for my success too.
yeah. see? this is why i can't talk to you.

 

by dezi000
2-05-06
there's no strip today.
really. super bowl sunday. i got things to do. no strip. go away.

 

by dezi000
2-05-06
all right then. i tried to warn you but now you've brought this on yourself. don't come whining to me later.
The Never Ending Chronicles of Sorrow- AKA The Break Up Letters of My Life - Part 1 of 786.
go pats!

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
I found out today that the internet group suicide rate is up in Japan this year.
People who want to kill themselves but are too afraid to do it alone, log into a chatroom, chat for a bit & then they off themselves while online.
Man...I can't even get anyone to talk to me in the "Lord of the Rings" chat room.

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
2 Weeks Ago in Seattle.
WOO HOO! SEAHAWKS ARE WINNING THE SUPERBOWL THIS YEAR!!! WOO HOO! I'M THE 12TH MAN!! WOOOOOOOO!!!!
2 Days Ago in Seattle
SON OF A!!! WE GOT HOSED BY THE REFS!! EVERYONE SUCKS...wait...what was I...you know...a latte sounds good.
2 Seconds From Now in Seattle
sea what? seahawks? what? what are you talking about?

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
No. No thank you, Bono. I'm good, bro.
Are you sure? It's really not a problem.
Nope. I'm sure.
'Cause, you know, sometimes it feels pretty good and I have some time for you right now.
Listen Bono. I don't care how many nice things you do, I'm never going to take confession with you.
Suit yourself, sinner.

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
in the face of all the fuss that's been going on because of the depiction of mohammed in a danish newspaper. we here at ttsp thought we'd invite him here to discuss his side of the story.
he was eager to speak to all his fans and we're excited to break this exclusive story. so without further adieu- please welcome the prophet mohammed!
yeah, right. like the kanye posse hasn't been a big enough pain in my ass.

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
so i moved from wenatchee after i spent 40 days in jail and then my parents found out i had a stolen check and they gave me 5 grand and i hate my nose...
Damn. Why do the hot ones have to be so annoying? Am I supposed to be listening to all this drivel? Someone just kill me now.
...and you have a nice profile and that bartender is soooo cute and how much is the cheapest shot of tequilla here and what do you think i should do with my life...
And if she annoys me so much, why on earth am I still trying to figure out a way to sleep with her? What is wrong with men?
blah blah blah body shot and blah blah perfume and blah blah blah we should go back to my place and have crazy sex all night long and blah blah blah grocery shopping.
Why do I always think that I should buy an orange sweater?

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
I had a talk the other night with this girl and she was demanding to know why I was so reluctant to throw myself in another relationship.
She said that people were too quick to lay time tables down & that if you feel it in your heart you should just flow with it and not worry so much.
I'm pretty sure her cat hates me.

 

by dezi000
2-09-06
They turned off imdb.com at work!
those son of a bitchin' bastards!
I mean for the love of God- it's the only ray of fun I get in that going nowhere hell hole!
you should quit!
Wow. I didn't know you were so passionate about imdb.com
i don't even know what that is. it's just easier to agree with you until you go bitch about everything your blog.

 

by dezi000
2-10-06
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
(sigh.)
WE DID IT FOR JOHNNY!

 

by dezi000
2-10-06
Nature's first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leafs a flower; But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief,

 

by dezi000
2-10-06
well...?
Son of a...DAMMIT!!!
I TOLD YOU!
How on earth can this be true???
NO ONE! no one on this planet can name anything maya angelou has ever done, written or said! You owe me a shot!
I guess it's true what they say - "Achievement brings its own anticlimax."

 

by dezi000
2-10-06
come on, bro! it's a simple question!
I'm thinking! Give me a second!
you'll never be able to do it. no one can.
This can't be true. I'm sure I can.
i thought you were all smart and deep? just give it up!
But I can remember...sort of. You're making me nervous!

 

by dezi000
2-14-06
Thousands of Islamic protesters rampaged through two cities in Pakistan on Tuesday. They burned down a hotel...
two banks, a KFC restaurant, the office of a Norwegian cell phone company, 2 movie theatres, a Pizza Hut and 2 people died!
damn.
All this because of a cartoon!
Man- "Cathy" makes me crazy too, but that just seems downright extreme.

 

by dezi000
2-14-06
Thousands of Islamic protesters rampaged through two cities in Pakistan on Tuesday. They burned down a hotel...
two banks, a KFC restaurant, the office of a Norwegian cell phone company, 2 movie theatres, a Pizza Hut and 2 people died!
un believable!
All this because of a cartoon!
Man! Those Islamic people sure know how to ruin a Valentine's Day!

 

by dezi000
2-14-06
This woman named Bobra Fyne started a program to teach people who are retarded or autistic or have other mental disabilities how to date.
They're learning social-sexual skills with specifics on body language, grooming, feelings, body awareness & conversation starters.
Social-sexual skills? Conversation starters? Man! Retarded people are so lucky.

 

by dezi000
2-18-06
AND THEN I TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD GO %$%^$# HIMSELF AND HIS GIRLFRIEND GOT ALL MAD AND SHE PUNCHED ME AND- HEY!!! I'M OUT OF BEER!!
AND WE NEED MORE WINGS!
AND SHOW THEN I SHED THAT SHE SHOULD COME BACK TO HER PLASHE AND THEN...ummm...WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?
I'm not sure- but that dolphin is looking at me funny!!! And we need more wings.
Why does he gets to have all the fun and I'm the one that has to go to work and gets to spend the whole day puking up hot sauce???
keep it down in there, bro. my head is killing me!

 

by dezi000
2-18-06
THAT'S IT! You're going to work this week and I'm going out every night!
you're out of your skull if you think that's going to happen!
NO WAY S.E.! Get dressed! You put on your suit and you fight traffic and you go deal with those crazy people on the phone all day!
i think you're just a little over tired, bro. just take a couple of deep breaths and center yourself!
I've made up my mind! You're going to work and I'm going out drinking and eating bad food! I'm the one that's going to talk to all those women!
see, bro? now you're just talking crazy talk!

 

by dezi000
2-18-06
FINE! i don't care! you think I can't do what you do all day??? i could do anything that you can do while standing on my head!
FINE! Then do it!
FINE! i will. I don't need your permission! i laugh at this! I welcome it!
You don't know where the suit is do you?
Yeah...I'm not even sure what this "suit" of which you speak of is?

 

by dezi000
3-03-06
hey. will you proofread this letter i just wrote?
Sure! I'd be glad too!
read it out loud, would you?
"Dear Bode Miller- HAHA! Yours, S.E." Is that all of it?
yeah. i was going for a "sentiment of america" kind of thing.
Well, you nailed it.

 

by dezi000
3-03-06
...and you can't ever decide what you want to do, and you're still into your ex, and you're kind of high maintenance and my friends don't like you very much...so...well...don't call me anymore.
mm hmmm. mm hmmm. gotcha. ok.
so...see ya.
See ya.
17 MINUTES LATER...
WELL, YOU TALK REALLY LOUD IN THE MOVIES! SO THERE! WOOOO!!! BURN!

 

by dezi000
3-11-06
have you seen my "girls gone naked" dvd's?
I have 94 per cent recall of all conversation. I tested it myself.
well, can you get 100 percent recall of where you put my stuff? why are you talking like that? are you completely retarded now?
Ever since I was a child, folks have thought they had me pegged, because of the way I am, the way I talk. And they're always wrong.
what the...are you pretending to be truman capote?
yes. i thought the movie was fantastic and we have so much in common that I've decided to start emulating him.

 

by dezi000
3-11-06
you realize he was a homosexual, obsessive compulsive alcoholic with an oedipal complex that couldn't bear his own success, right?
You're crazy! He was always hanging out with Nell Harper Lee and he was always hanging out in prisons and cocktail parties...and he...ummm...he...umm.
and he...ummm, what?
He was always hanging around with that cool guy that was...ummm...mad that he was hanging around with Nell Harper Lee and in prisons...ummmm...
not only do i think believe that you don't know where my "girls gone naked" dvd's are, i don't think you even know what they are.
Yeah. Some of the more confusing parts of that movie are making more sense to me now. You're going to tell everyone about this aren't you? Is football season still over?

 

by dezi000
3-11-06
you realize he was a homosexual, obsessive compulsive alcoholic with an oedipal complex that couldn't bear his own success, right?
You're crazy! He was always hanging out with Nell Harper Lee and he was always hanging out in prisons and cocktail parties...and he...ummm...he...umm.
and he...ummm, what?
He was always hanging around with that cool guy that was...ummm...mad that he was hanging around with Nell Harper Lee and in prisons...ummmm...
not only do i think believe that you don't know where my "girls gone naked" dvd's are, i don't think you even know what they are.
Yeah. Some of the more confusing parts of that movie are making more sense to me now. You're going to tell everyone about this aren't you? Is football season still over?

 

by dezi000
3-11-06
you realize he was a homosexual, obsessive compulsive alcoholic with an oedipal complex that couldn't bear his own success, right?
You're crazy! He was always hanging out with Nell Harper Lee and he was always hanging out in prisons and cocktail parties...and he...ummm...he...umm.
and he...ummm, what?
He was always hanging around with that cool guy that was...ummm...mad that he was hanging around with Nell Harper Lee and in prisons...ummmm...
not only do i think believe that you don't know where my "girls gone naked" dvd's are, i don't think you even know what they are.
Yeah. Some of the more confusing parts of that movie are making more sense to me now. You're going to tell everyone about this aren't you? Is football season still over?

 

by dezi000
4-15-06
Damn- they got 2 through 6 of "Snake Eyes Declassified" , but I don't want any of them if I can't get number 1. Help me look for it.
The signs all say that you can ask any of the clerks here and they'll help you look for anything you need. Go ask that guy at the counter.
Hey man, I was looking for Snake Eyes Declassified number 1 and I...
(SIGH!) You were probably looking under "S", you need to look under "G" for GI Joe. We group things by family here. Does that make sense?
...next thing I knew I was shoving that 600 dollar Spider-Man statue up his ass. It'd probably be best if we left now before the cops get here...
Welcome home kid...

 

by dezi000
5-17-06
(ahem) So...ummmm...DGP? We've noticed that your blog hasn't gotten nearly as much traffic since you stopped bringing us around.
(threaten his fish.)
And, although we feel a certain sense of vindication & pride in knowing that we were an integral part of what brought people around here...
(threaten his fish.)
SE and I feel that you should start putting more time and effort into this project that you started. Your quick response will be appreciated. Thank you.
THREATEN HIS FISH!!! seriously. @$*%#^ him. i'm bored and the new season of the o.c. doesn't start for-ever! i need something to do! you DO NOT try and contain the SE!

 

by dezi000
7-26-06
789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789......
what are you doing? who's number is that?
It's no one's number. I'm trying to forget that last girl's number so I don't drunk dial her anymore so I'm trying to convince myself that this gibberish number is hers.
how about instead of that, you go out and meet another woman, get her number and then just start calling her and move on instead of trying these ridiculous parlor tricks?
Did you just meet me? 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789-7979. 789......
unfortunately, no. i'll be looking up prostitues on craigslist if you need me.

 

by dezi000
7-26-06
I think we should start a book club!
or a book-fight club!
...or just a book club...?
...or just a fight club...?
...or just a book club...?
which ever. i'm not doing either of them with you anyway.

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