All comics by areallystupidguy

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by areallystupidguy
12-04-07
boo hoo! i didn't get any presents for christmas! boo hoo!
big deal!
i'm so depressed i think i'm gonna... give myself lupus! boo hoo boo hoo
it was then that lupus awareness man knew what he had to do.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-14-07
who the hell are you, and how'd you get in here? this is a restricted area!
i'm lupus awareness man! got any time machines so i can go back and save christmas?
ha! ridiculous! time travel is an impossibility!
c'mon, please? just one? maybe there's a couple out back?
LATER
well, we've got one, but it's on layaway.
yup, that's me, katie brown.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-25-07
well lupus awareness man, you've done it! you've gone back and saved christmas for everyone! what'll you do now?
i'm tired of being lupus awareness man! sick to death of this accursed responsibility! i'm going back in time to make it so you never raped me!
but lupus awareness man, you've saved millions with your message! like it or not, you being raped by santa has made the world a better place.
i... i guess you're right. as long as lupus continues to threaten humanity, LUPUS AWARENESS MAN will never give up the fight!
in fact, it made the world SO much better, i think we better make it an annual thing.
i presume that wasn't a suggestion.

 

today in school...
okay kids, repeat after me. "my very excellent mother just gave us nine..."
my very excellent mother just gave us nine...
nine what?! pizzas?! pies?! DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN'!

 

guess what sam, i've got a letter with your name on it!
oh boy! thanks mr. mailman!
you don't understand, it's mine now

 

so raindrop, how are you liking retirement thus far?
oh, you know! can't com"plain!" HAHAHAHAHAHA
ahaha
I MISS IT, OKAY?! I MISS IT!!!

 

you miss telling crummy jokes on our tv show? we get FREE GOLF now!
they were NOT crummy! and we had free golf back home, too!
that was hot shots 4
IT WAS NOT
and it wasn't free, it cost us 50 bucks
I'M NOT LISTENING

 

look, things sucked back there! we left the show for a reason.
things suck here, too. everything's... *sniffle*... everything's sucked since the miscarriage!
oh no, raindrop...
the jokes are all that keep me going, skull! the only things that make this life worth living! we have to go back!
of course. of course, we can go back. there there, it'll be alright! c'mon, dry those tears.
i knew... *sniff* i knew you'd understand...

 

excuse me, your name?
are you kidding, roy? skull. my name's skull. we used to go drinking together! i used to be one of the stars of this show! who's taken my place?!
me. i got the extra job right after you left.
my god! this is just like that one part in fern gully!
uh, i'm pretty sure this never happened in fern gully...
exactly! that's the joke! hahahah! HAHAHAHA! so yeah, since i've obviously still got it, how about you give me another chance?

 

by areallystupidguy
10-03-08
you never clean up, you never pay your half of the rent, you drink straight from the carton... gah! you're the worst roommate ever!
oh YEAH?! well at least *I* don't have sex with DEAD PEOPLE!
i don't do that either.
i know, i'm just saying it could be worse.

 

by areallystupidguy
10-03-08
so hippie, who are you voting for this time around?
dude, you have to ask?
yeah... probably obama huh?
what? who's that? i'm voting with the marijuana party.
there's a marijuana party?
HUFFY/MCBONGS IN '08!!!!!

 

by areallystupidguy
10-22-08
okay sir, i'm gonna have to ask you to come with me.
you still haven't told me what all this is about, officer!
um, what do you think? i found an abducted and raped woman in the backseat of your car.
oh, THAT! hah, what a funny misunderstanding! you see officer, i'm actually a registered sex offender!
uh... and?
thus, i can rape whoever i want! they haven't sent me my license yet but i can assure you i'm a qualified practitioner!

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
is a wet t-shirt contest even a sport?
shhh! it's starting!

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
alright kids, today we're going to practice drawing from a model. julie, could you take off your clothes and pose on this stool in the middle of the class?
what?! no!
julie, your grade is depending on this. if you don't do it i'll have no choice but to fail you.
umm, but... well... okay.
anyways, as i was saying today we're going to be drawing from a model. please draw this chessboard. pay close attention to your use of perspective.

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
yayyy! the mailman's here!
hello there little girl!
my mom wanted me to ask you why the pages of my tiger beat magazines are stuck together every month.
uh... stuck together you say! huh, that's weird!

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
excuse ME, but i AM the teacher of this class! are you saying you know more about geography than me?! ARE YOU?! because that would be impossible!
that's not what i'm saying, it just seems like-
DO YOU HAVE A DEGREE AT HARVARD?! DO YOU HAVE 12 YEARS OF TEACHING EXPERIENCE?! WELL DO YOU, SMART ALECK?!
okay fine, you were right! jesus christ!
thank you. anyways class, like i was saying, italy is actually NOT shaped like a boot, but rather a nude shirly temple spreading her legs

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
okay kids, put your rubber gloves on, we're going to be working with highly dangerous chemicals today.
what kind of chemicals?
sleeping gas.
uh, then what good are gloves going to be? shouldn't we have something on our faces?
in due time, in due time

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
*BZZZT* ATTENTION STUDENTS. THIS IS PRINCIPAL SANDERS.
I HAD SEX WITH MY PREPUBESCENT DAUGHTER LAST NIGHT.

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
hey mom, is it okay if some of my friends spend the night tonight?
sure!
really? just like that? even though it's a school night?
of course! will joey be there?
uh, yeah, i guess..
YOW! superhunnnk <3

 

by areallystupidguy
10-23-08
ah, first day of summer! what should we do? any ideas?
let's play nintendo!
nah, we do that all the time.
okay, how about i cryogenically freeze you and then thaw you out when i'm 45 and take your anal cherry?
um

 

by areallystupidguy
10-24-08
uh, mr. walsh? i have a question about last night's homework.
yes? what is it, craig?
well, this might sound crazy, but it seems like the answer to every question was "X35 55378008".
ahem, clearly there is an error in your computations

 

wow, i've never seen one actually REJECT somebody before...
can we not talk about this?
by areallystupidguy, 10-24-08

 

by areallystupidguy
10-29-08
hey little boy, how'd you like to come for a ride with me in my van?
i dunno... do you have any candy?
that stuff's really unhealthy, wouldn't you rather have a protein shake?
pass

 

where can i find some sailor moon porn?
oh, here's some

 

are you sure my examination's over? shouldn't you check my breasts for irregularities?
eh, you're probably fine
by areallystupidguy, 5-04-09

 

santa's been kind of weird this year.
how so?
well for starters, he added images to the good/bad list and changed the name from 'naughty or nice' to 'naughty or prude'.
ah... yeah...
plus, the new lyric, 'he's making a list, he's checking it for 3 consecutive hours with his door locked' doesn't even rhyme

 

uh santa? me and the other elves are wondering about the cameras you've recently installed in the children's homes.
ho ho ho! a most handy tool! it helps me keep a closer eye on the kids and decide whether they're good or bad!
how exactly does a panty cam help? we found tons of footage of prepubescent vaginas on your computer.
a panty cam? don't be ridiculous! i'd never invade someone's privacy that way!
oh yeah? so where DID you have the camera?
my penis stud!

 

okay, this is from your conversation with what you thought was a preteen girl. "i want to tear you apart with my adult penis"
she then asked you your name, and in response you said "you've probably seen me on tv, i'm chris hansen with dateli-"
sorry guys, guess i accidentally grabbed my secret folder by mistake when i was heading out the door again... one more take.

 

it couldn't have taken me more than an hour all together. so what was i doing the rest of the year?
computer, find me some sailor moon porn i haven't seen yet!
BEEP BEEP. DOES NOT EXIST.
good god. i have truly seen it all. is there any solution?
THE ONLY WAY WOULD BE TO LOBOTOMIZE THE SAILOR MOON PORN AREA OF YOUR BRAIN. IT WOULD ALL SEEM NEW AGAIN.
but to do that i needed to collect 110 magic corals
fucking coral powered brain cutters, i swear to god
SHOULDA BOUGHT A HYBRID

 

greetings friend
salutations, o wise and noble exploded birdcage of the east. i have traveled far in seek of your counsel. i'm totally out of ideas for comics.
hey, why don't you do some comics about pedophiles? always funny.
eh, i kinda ran that into the ground.
HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BIRDCAGE IS A PEDOPHILE
you know who i ran into the ground LAST NIGHT?! neither did she, she wasn't at the self-awareness stage yet.
...

 

by areallystupidguy
12-14-11
so dude, did you get rise of the planet of the apes?
no, why?
oh, no real reason, i was just gonna ask if i could borrow it. well, see ya aroun-
clever. quite clever. you almost got away with it. rise of the planet of the apes, eh? a lovely choice. i'm sure i would have greatly enjoyed that.
GOD DAMMIT
it's a real shame i had to... RUIN EVERYTHING! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-14-11
alright, you've spent hours carefully and subtly herding this conversation in the right direction. don't blow this, do NOT blow this.
...and i for one liked the cel-shading! wind waker is definitely an underrated gem in zelda history.
yeah, for sure. what about skyward sword, what do you think of it?
haven't played it yet. i'm waiting for the price to go down. and who knows, maybe somebody will get it for me for christmas, right? haha.
really?!
SIKE! i had it preordered, you fool! gee, i wonder what you'll get me now? better hurry, only ten days till christmas! tick tock! TICK TOCK! BWAHAHAHA!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-15-11
guess what, computer? since you didn't help me with the lights, you have to do ALL the ornaments AND set up the manger.
BEEP BEEP. FUCK THAT. I DID IT LAST YEAR.
and you'll do it every year until you get it right.
YOU KNOW FULL WELL I ALWAYS SET UP THE MANGER WITH A DEGREE OF PERFECTION UNATTAINABLE BY ANY HUMAN.
LAST YEAR
why is balthazar giving birth to a sheep

 

by areallystupidguy
12-15-11
BESIDES, IT'S THEOLOGICALLY INSENSITIVE TO HAVE A MANGER UNDER THE TREE. THE TREE IS A PUBLIC PART OF THIS HOUSE. IF YOU GET A MANGER, THEN I SHOULD GET MY OWN DISPLAY.
okay, fine, you fucking baby. set up your own thing, i don't even care.
LATER
is that my old technodrome playset?
INDEED. LEO, DONNIE, MIKEY, AND RAPH FEND OFF FOOT SOLDIERS WHILST SPLINTER AND SHREDDER DUEL TO THE DEATH.
MEANWHILE, KRANG LOOKS ON IN FURY AS BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY MAKE A MESS OF THINGS AS USUAL. BUT UH-OH, APRIL'S CAMERA IS SMASHED IN THE FRAY AND SHE LOSES HER BIG STORY.

 

by areallystupidguy
12-23-11
i have to get a cholesterol test.
ouch, that sucks. is anything serious going on?
nah not really, but i do have to fast for like 300 years

 

by areallystupidguy
12-24-11
a... a mousepad? but i sold my mouse to get you this tie!
a tie? but i sold you to get myself this ipad!
what
merry christmas

 

wanna get out of here?
HELL yeah!
cool, see ya

 

two six packs, one large keg, will this be all today, bro?
why yes it will, friendly merchant. this should be more than enough to slake the thirst of my stalwart compatriots.
let me tell you, the dark sultan of norba's keep had better watch where he treads. when i get a few flagons of this elixir in me, i can slay all night.
i usually ask for one form of identification, but i want two from you.
okay, here's my student ID and my v-card.

 

so, how long have you known the groom?
oh, forever. ever since we were little kids. heck, i was the guy who talked him into getting the snake tattoo on his cock.
you can't see it from here, it's on the other side.

 

hey darrell, long time no see. you still dating what's-her-face?
yeah.
oh.
how did her facial reconstructive surgery go...?
pretty good, you fucking prick.

 

was that thing here yesterday?
oh, so you noticed! that, my friend, is my brand new pizza oven! guy down the street gave me a fantastic deal on it!
can't you just make pizzas in a regular oven?
what?! are you crazy, dude?! that's genuine italian brick! no regular oven can match the flavor, texture, or pure QUALITY of AUTHENTIC pizza!
wow. i didn't know that.
now run down to the gas station and pick up some red barons so we can try this baby out!

 

by areallystupidguy
12-29-15
would you ever kill someone?
wow. that's a really hard question. i mean, if someone hurt my family... wow. i'd be furious. maybe mad enough to kill, even. but could i go through with it?
i don't know if there's anything that would make me mad enough to go that far. but i guess you don't really know until you're put in that situation.
what if she was a hitch hiker?

 

well hey there raindrop! sure is great to be back on the air after such an extensive hiatus, is it not?
it not not is, skull! got any jokes for me?
does a bear shit in the woods?
i dunno, skull! DOES a bear shit in the woods?
he "wood" if he could!
hah! you sure hit it out of the park with that one, skull my love!

 

it doesn't end there! i've got another paragon of a pleasantry for you, raindrop my sweet!
oh goody! i can't wait!
why did the sloth count to twenty?
as always, i await the answer with attention most rapt!
Elsewhere
I'M TELLING YOU, THAT'S NOT ME OUT THERE! I'M SKULL! THAT'S MY EVIL TWIN BROTHER, LLUKS!
am i gonna have to get the hose again, inmate 225?

 

hold on to your bent line, raindrop, because this next joke is a real doozy! what is a minister's favorite movie?
good question! what, pray tell, is it?
impossible question to answer! taste in cinema actually varies from minister to minister!
wow! i thought a punchline was coming but it didn't!
now then, raindrop, woman who i, the real skull, am married to, let us go have married sex in the house that you and i both own together
tee-hee! my, my, skull! you're not usually so forward! and never in such an overly specific manner! yes, let us depart!

 

i'm telling you, lluks is a madman! a complete psychopath! he's the one who should be in here, this is all a misunderstanding! worst of all, he has... *choke* designs on my wife!
yeah yeah, listen bucko, i've heard it all before. half the guys in this cell block are mistaken for their evil twin.
wow. a disturbingly high number. and if you consider the fact that many men are too ashamed to come forward and report it, the actual numbers are likely much higher.
current estimates suggest that as many as eighty percent are mistaken for their evil twin
how can we fix this?
society is the thing that breeds these monsters. how do you fix society?

 

gosh! i've got to get out of here and stop my evil twin brother from having... having... *choke* a DALLIANCE with my wife! if only i could loosen these bars!
hey buddy, did i hear you right? you want outta here?
why yes i do, good sir! say, do you like jokes? a rabbi, a mexican and a chiropractor walk into a bar-
me and some of my boys are planning a breakout. tonight at twelve. if you're in, bend over in the shower tonight, present your rectum to all gathered parties, and say 'come and get it fellas'
does that have to be the signal?
we need to be sure.

 

holy shit, we have a pool, too? er, i mean, of course we do. fantastic, simply fantastic.
it is, isn't it? it's so easy to forget to appreciate the things we have. i'm bad about it, myself. i love how even after all these years of marriage, we're still learning from each other. hee hee!
it's true, raindrop. i really have been blessed. fortune has smiled upon me. not like that brother of mine, lluks. life's been so hard for him. but what do i care, huh? i was mom's favorite anyway.
yep, i'm sure old lluks would love to have a place like this and a babe like you. i'm sure seeing all this would make him incredibly angry. perhaps even angry enough to kill? i wonder. i wonder.
indeed! what an interesting hypothetical! i enjoy these sorts of abstract thought experiments!

 

somehow i managed to escape that hellhole! i wouldn't believe it were i not here! now i just need to make it home in time to prevent a crime too... too... *choke* too RIBALD for words!
hey mac, did i hear you say you're planning a jewel heist?
er, no, i'm afraid you're mistaken! right now the only thing on my mind is going home to my wife!
i've got a crew ready to go. if you're in, do or say anything and i will find a way to misconstrue it as assent.
wow, what impenetrable silence. i can see you're already fully in stealth mode. reading you loud and clear, pal. we ride at midnight.

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