All comics by fuzzyman

Profile

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
In 6th grade, I starred in H.M.S. Pinafore.
He is the Captain of the Pinafore...
....and a right good Captain, too!
This was the beginning of my thespian tendencies.
He's very, very good, and be it understood...
...I would sure like to muff dive you!
THESPIAN, Ladies! I said, THESPIAN! *ahem*
Oopsie.
Sorry. My bad.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
I was a very skinny kid.
Chris! Time for dinner!
My family nickname was "Toothpick."
Where is that boy?
I was kind of a picky eater.
CHRISTOPHER!!
I'm right here.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
My older brother liked to torture me. He was much bigger and stronger.
HA! HA!
HEY!
One time he thought it would be funny to stuff grass clippings down my shirt.
HA! HA!
HEY!
I whacked him over the back with a nine Iron. He was better after that.
HEY!
HA! HA!

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
In my Senior year in high school, I didn't shave during spring break.
When are you going to shave?
I don't know, Mom. I kind of like this beard.
At the end of spring break, I got appendicitis, so I didn't shave for another week.
You're going to shave it off for graduation.
Oh, I don't know. I think I'll keep it.
And that is the true story of Fuzzyman's first beard.
YOU'RE GOING TO SHAVE IT OFF FOR GRADUATION.
I'm going to shave it off for graduation.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
I grew back the beard in college. I was a Computer Science major at Sacred Heart University.
Hi! Would you--
No.
I was quite the prodigy. After my first semester, even the Seniors would come to me for help.
Here's the problem. Your counter is a PIC X(05). It should be PIC 9(05).
Thank you, and No, I won't go on a date with you.
Neither the beard nor my status as Alpha Geek did me any good with the ladies, however.
Hi! Would you--
You again?

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
Let's gover the major ailments, shall we? We already did the appendix.
Right. And in my Senior year in college I had an ulcer.
Around that time you woke up one morning and had difficulty breathing.
Asthma. And then there was that unplanned 8-year celibate phase.
Well, that's not really what I would call an ailment.
Speak for yourself. It sucked from where I was.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
In the mid 90's I had a hernia operation to correct a birth defect.
When they shaved my nads I said, "I'd like a layered look... just a bit off the sides."
The juice they gave me made me loose as a goose.
I said, "Say, while you're down there, could you rub me up and down a couple times?"
Did I mention that this operation was during my celibate phase?
I think that was pretty obvious.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
And then there are allergies.
Molds, cats, dogs, dust, cats, pollen...
If it's in the air, it makes me sneeze.
Oxygen, cats, nitrogen, cats, carbon...
Lucky for me, there's Clarinex(tm).
When do I get my "paid spokesperson" check?

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
I did a fair amount of dating. My celibate phase eventually ended.
Yes!
But something was missing... until I answered a Yahoo Personals ad.
Hi!
Hi!
She turned out to be my one true love. Imagine that.
In a word, "Yahoo!"
I hope you like cats.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
A year later, Marie and I went to Paris to get engaged.
I love you!
I love you!
I took her to Pont Marie, a bridge designed by Christopher Marie.
Will you marry me?
I answer in the affirmative.
It was very romantic. Oh, and never fly Air France.
Why does France look like this?
Garbage strike.

 

by fuzzyman
9-07-02
We've been married for two years, now. Time flies!
As for the future...The plan is for us to grow old and grey together.
And to continue loving each other for who we really are.
I love you.
I wish you'd shave your back.

 

by fuzzyman
9-08-02
Howdy, Dick!
George! Stop attacking Rhode Island! This is madness!
No can do, Dick. This great military victory will distract folks from the economy, and I rid myself of a bunch a' pesky liberals!
Liberal or not, they are still Americans!
You're startin' t' sound like one 'a them liberals yourself, Dick. Pat Robertson warned me about people like you.
Pat Robertson? Shit! Shit! Shit!

 

by fuzzyman
9-08-02
George! You can't be serious. Me? A liberal? I'm more conservative than Alan Keyes.
I dunno. You could be one 'a them whatchacallits.
A mole? Why would I have engineered your election if I were a liberal? THINK!
Dang, this is so confusing! Pat Robertson told me not t' trust anything you liberals say!
Later...
Welcome to the Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Liberal. I'm Bobo, your counselor.
I SAID, I'M NOT LIBERAL!!!

 

by fuzzyman
9-09-02

 

by fuzzyman
9-10-02
I DEMAND-- *ahem* I demand to see the President!
Pat Robertson has ordered that you not be allowed to contactthe President until you've been rehabilitated.
Well then, let me speak to Pat Robertson!
That's not possible. He's in an Undisclosed Location.
He's in a-- but... HEY! I'm secretly running the country! I'm the one who's supposed to be in an Undisclosed Location!
Perhaps you should rethink that "secretly running the country" assumption.

 

by fuzzyman
9-10-02
Fine. What do I have to do to get out of here?
Ah, that's the proper attitude! Okay, first. Get down on your knees...
Okay, down on my knees...
Now say, "Bobo, I worship your throbbing manhood."
Bobo, I worship your throbbing--HEY! I'm not going to say that!
Congratulations! You passed the first test!

 

by fuzzyman
9-10-02
Meanwhile...
Well, Pat! I've conquered Rhode Island, just like y' said ta!
Yesssss! Everything is going according to my... err... according to the Lord's plan!
Only one question for ya'. What with th' red skin?
Skin? Oh, its just a... sunburn! From my vacation in... the Bahamas!
Ah, that 'splains it! But... what about them huge, leathery wings?
Oh, am I peeling?

 

by fuzzyman
9-16-02
Okay, first question: The economy is in sluggish, budget deficits are rising, and the rate of illiteracy is rising. What do you do?
Blame the Democrats and lower capital gains taxes!
Correct! You've uncovered a terrorist plot to blow up Mount Rushmore. What do you do?
Blame the Democrats and lower capital gains taxes!
Correct! Okay, here's a tough one: You just found out that each of the Olsen Twins is pregnant with your love child. What do you do?
Blame the Democrats and lower capital gains taxes!

 

by fuzzyman
9-16-02
This quiz won't take much longer. Okay, what are the Three Pillars of Compassionate Conservatism?
Deception, Deceit, and Dishonesty.... Hey! Look behind you! It's Osama Bin Laden and Hitler!
What? Where?
Dick, old boy, you still have the touch!

 

by fuzzyman
9-16-02
Mr. President, we need to talk!
Dick! They let you outta th' funny farm already?
George, you've got to listen to me! Pat Robertson is only using you for his own agenda!
Please 'splain t' me how that's diff'rent from you.
It's different because... HEY! Stop thinking, George!
Sorry.

 

by fuzzyman
9-16-02
Dick, amd Ah gonna have t' ask Pat Robertson t' disembowel you?
George, if you won't listen to me, then I'll find someone you WILL listen to. You just stay right there.
Mom?
Don't you act all innoncent with me, you stupid git!

 

by fuzzyman
9-16-02
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens!
Warm vaseline and a some tight nipple strings!
These are a few of my favorite things!

 

by fuzzyman
9-17-02
SO YUO ARE THAT SUB_M7 WHO SI TRING TO OUTDO TEH MASTER TROLL?
Yeah! What are YOU doing at my party?
ONLY THSI, ASSHOEL!
AAAIIIIIIEEEE!!!!!! MEIN KOPF!
WEHN A TROLL HATES A TROLL, HE FUCKIGN NALES THE BITCH!

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Now listen to me, you little whipper-snapper! You just do what your Uncle Dick tells you to do!
Awww, Mom!
*sigh* Remember what I used to say to you when you were a child?
No... what?
"Stop being stupid, George."
You said that to me? I thought you were talking to Dad!

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Well, it looks like we're together again, Dick! Jes' like Batman an' Robin.
Yep!
I'm Batman.
No, I'm Batman.

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Bush an' Cheney, together again! Jes' like Bonnie an' Clyde!
Yep!
Jes' like Rodgers an' Hammerstein!
Yep!
Jes' like Sigfreid and Roy!
Whoah there, bucko!

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
What a team we are! Jes' like Donny an' Marie!
Yep! *yawn*
ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz
I'm Marie.
ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Y'know, Dick.... I'm havin' a crisis of confidence.
What's the problem, George?
Well, when y' lay there sleepin', it was all I could do t' stop from caressin' your pretty, bald head. Is that strange, or what?

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
** THUD!! **
April Fools!
*gck*

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Meanwhile...
Don't you think President Bush is so dreamy?
Are you nuts? That Dick Cheney is the real hottie!
Cheney? But he's so... bald!
Yeah, but he's got such a cute ass!
You are so freaky, Mary-Kate!
Better freaky than stupid like you, Ashley!

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
...and in the news, Vice President Cheney had his eleventh coronary today. "I'm going for a dozen!" he said, digging into a second slice of pie.
Omigod, Ashley! My true love needs needs me now!
Your true love? You haven't even met him. Mary-Kate!
You're just jealous. Now help me decide what to wear. What do you think...? Something a bit sexy? Or something more girl-next-door?
It depends. Are you the slightly slutty one or am I?
Damned if I can remember.

 

by fuzzyman
9-19-02
Mary-Kate, you're never going to get past all those Secret Service agents and into the hospital to see Dick Cheney!
What I need, Ashley, is a brilliant disguise! I'll be right back!
Oh, the Secret Service will never notice THAT.
Shut up and get in the back half.

 

by fuzzyman
9-21-02
This reminds me of that time we put on a horse costume to get on the set of Dad's TV show!
That was an episode of "Full House." That wasn't our Dad, that was actor-comedian Bob Saget.
Wait... Bob Saget isn't my father?
Sorry, but no.
Well that's a relief. But John Stamos is still my uncle, right?
Ummm....

 

by fuzzyman
9-21-02
Okay, where's the back half of this pink donkey costume, Mary-Kate?
Right here.
I feel really stupid doing this.
It's for a good cause, Ashley!
I think there's a problem with this costume.
What? Pink isn't your color?

 

by fuzzyman
9-21-02
Well, Mr. Cheney, you're *pfffft* free to go home. Now just remember: Exercise daily, no excitement, and try to lay off the pie.
Thank you, Doctor Phlatulent!
Hello, Dick Cheney, my true love! How I have pined for thy pretty bald head!
AAACK!!!!
Mr. Vice President? Dick? Snugglebunny? Are you okay?
YES! Coronary number twelve! A new record!

 

by fuzzyman
9-21-02
Mr. Cheney.. I'm Mary-Kate Olsen and... I love you!
Mary-Kate Olsen is a strange name for half of a pink donkey.
I'm not a donkey! That was my brilliant disguise!
*THUNK!*
Doesn't take much, does it?
Looks like thirteen is my lucky number!

 

by fuzzyman
9-22-02
,,,and when I woke up, she was gone, donkey costume and all.
Maybe she was afraid that y' were too fragile, what with yer heart and all.
No... she probably felt inadequate when she met me in person.
Yeah, that's got t' be it!
Meanwhile...
...and when I took off the donkey costume, the glare from light reflecting off Cheney's head nearly blinded me!
Don't say I didn't tell you so!

 

by fuzzyman
9-23-02
I'm bored, Dick.
Patience, my young apprentice. You will soon know the power of the Dark Side.
Darkseid?
Exactly.
So when do we go to Apokolips?
Apocalypse?

 

by fuzzyman
9-23-02
I'm stil bored, Dick.
Look, George... go check your e-mail or something.
Dear George, I hope you find bleeding roaches in your falafel! Sincerely, Saddam
*yawn*
Dear Mr. Bush, I am Henry Kabila of Nigeria. I require your assistance in transferring the sum of Thirty Million Dollars...
Hey, this looks promisin'!

 

by fuzzyman
9-26-02
So if we help that Nigerian fellow transfer them funds, we get t' keep a few million for ourselves!
Really! That sounds enticing!
Yep! An' Ah got five more offers jes' like it in m' e-mail!
All of which will net us tens of millions of dollars! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
With that kind of money we can bomb Iraq AND Rhode Island!
I was thinking that we could spend it on women and booze, but you have a point.

 

by fuzzyman
9-26-02
Later that evening...
Well, we've done run into a snag with that Nigerian thing!
What's the problem?
Well, my Nigerian friend needs to bribe some government officials... He needs me to send him ten thousand dollars.
Damn! Where are we going to get thta kind of money?
Hey, America, ol' buddy! Can I borrow a teensy bit of money from the Social Security Trust Fund?
No.

 

by fuzzyman
9-26-02
Dear Henry... I hope this e-mail finds you well. I am doing my best to raise the money you need.
I have been forced to find alternate sources of funding, but my staff is working diligently on your behalf.
I hope you don't mind if I send the money in five dollar increments.

 

by fuzzyman
9-26-02
Okay, repeat after me: "Doesn't."
"Dudn't."
No, no, no! "Doesn't!"
"Nope, nope, nope! Dudn't!"
*sigh* Are you as stupid as you sound?
I dudn't know!

 

by fuzzyman
9-26-02
So, I figured out this really great formula for phosphorescent methane!
For glow-in-the-dark flatulence?
Exactly! You combine methane, butane, and phosphoric acid. Shake vigorously, and you have methyl butyl phosphane!
Except that those ingredients will explode the moment they come in contact with each other.
Details, details!
Now if you were trying for explosive flatulence, you'd be on the right track!

 

by fuzzyman
9-27-02
It idn't right!
No... It "isn't" right.
That's what I said. It idn't right.
No... It "isn't" right! Can't you get it right?
I dudn't know what idn't right!
Are you SURE we took Bob Dylan's brain out of your cranium?

 

by fuzzyman
9-27-02
I dudn't know what you're problem is, Dick!
George, I've had it with you! I'm sending you to Elocution school!
Electrocution school?
*sigh* ELOCUTION school!
Are you sure Ah need t' go to school for that? Ah was really good at elocution people on Death Row in Texas!
Trust me.

 

by fuzzyman
9-27-02
I don' know why you is gettin' so upset with mah talkin', Dick! There idn't anything wrong with me! Dudn't you like the way I talk?
What I din't understand is how Clinton is from East Hayseed, Arkansas, yet doesn't have a problem speaking English, unlike you.
Umm... "Texas, It's like a whole other country?"
Like Canada, only without all the smart people.

 

by fuzzyman
9-27-02
Idn't it just wrong that you dudn't understand th' way Ah talk?
THAT'S IT! I can't take it any more! EAT FLAMING DEATH!
AAAIIEEEEEE!!! Make it stop! I dudn't want t' die!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!
*giggle*

 

by fuzzyman
9-28-02
Hee hee hee hee!
I'm breaking through the fourth wall to celebrate my 500th comic. Dick, what lessons can we learn from the previous 499 strips?
Needen't Noo! Hee hee hee hee!
No, seriously. Surely there must have been some substance hidden among the "humor," as I like to call it.
Poop stinky! Hee hee hee hee!
And there you have it! Humor and cutting-edge philosophy! And now, back to our show...

Showing page 10.

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