All comics by jes_lawson

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by jes_lawson
1-20-04
The plan's working like a dream. The cops are baffled, and I just picked up the bearer bonds! Nothing can stop us now!
Eejit!
Well, shit...

 

by jes_lawson
1-22-04
My brother's just started reading my strips. Here he is making a guest appearance.
W00T!
So what do you want me to do a strip about?
Me drinking absinth and bemoaning the God Damned Tech where I'm stuck studying!
Ha ha ha! You'll regret saying that!
I...AM...IR-ON MAN! Dunna-nunnah-nuh...hang on, I'm just away to throw up...

 

by jes_lawson
1-22-04
Do you know who urinated on the firewall?
Absolutely not.
However I may drop a very broad hint by making an offensive comic at the company's expense on stripcreator.com while you're repairing it.
!

 

by jes_lawson
1-26-04
Hey, Billy! Wanna play "House?"
Yeah, yeah! Sure! What do I do?
I want you to communicate your feelings to me.
Communicate my...I have no idea what that means!
Perfect! You can be the husband!

 

by jes_lawson
1-26-04
So when do I get to meet this Australian girlfriend of yours?
As soon as the vets let her out of quarantine.
My daughter tells me you work in I.T and multi-media. What exactly do you do?
Well, you know that song that goes "Badgers Badgers Badgers..."?
So how does it feel to be marrying my daughter?
Pretty sweet. With any luck, we'll have a house and kids before she realises I'm a serial bigamist.

 

by jes_lawson
1-30-04
Hey, do you wanna come over and make snickerdoodles with me?
Sure! I'll be right over!
Phew! I think we lost them! Now, wasn't that fun, Jes?
Sure, Spanks, but next time you want to streak at the Superbowl, can we use a less lame codeword for it?

 

by jes_lawson
2-02-04
Recently I've read threads such as "Stripcreator isn't as good as it used to be." True, IRC is down...
...and there are a few other reasons why I could agree and complain and get cranky...
...but I thought I'd shut up and just make some strips, regardless, even if they have the same old hackneyed punchlines and characters...

 

by jes_lawson
2-02-04
Tuition fees are set to impact on our region's students within a few years.
Canvassing opinion on campus today, here's Gerald Futtock
LIVE
...mind you, if this Government had any common sense they'd close the borders now and start rounding up all the asylum seekers...
I'm going for a slash, Wendy. Try not to reverse into the autocue, will you?
God, Richard, it was only your wing mirror! If you used it for anything except looking at under-age girls...

 

by jes_lawson
2-05-04
I think it's over between us, steaming pile of vomit
*sigh*
Hey, wait a minute...this is the alley I was brought up in!

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-04
Hey, McDonald!
I'm not a McDonald, I'm a McFirefly
Then what's with the quarter-pounder under your kilt?

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-04
Maura, I think it's Rover between us.

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-04
Pierre, I think it's Dover between us.

 

by jes_lawson
2-09-04
28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds.
What?
That is how long before the end of the world, Donnie.
My name's not Donnie.
We're still going to have sex, right?

 

by jes_lawson
2-10-04
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Interrupting Sheep!
Interrupting Sheep wh...
BAA!

 

by jes_lawson
2-10-04

 

by jes_lawson
2-11-04
I see that Kerry won.
Yes, he's a shoe-in for the Democratic nomination now.
I was talking about "I'm a Celebrity"...
Get me out of here...

 

by jes_lawson
2-11-04
DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH!
DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH!
DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH! DUMPH!
*DANCING*

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-04
Will you think about me when we're apart
Yes, definitley. I'll look back and say "That was the shag, the shag that finally made me realise I was gay"
Yes! Yes! ....YESSS!
Yes! The final notch in my bedpost and my sculpture of HMS Bounty is complete! Wanna see?
Mary, that was fantastic! I think I'm ready to try again!
Oh, good! It's Belladonna's turn! You know about my conjoined twin, right?

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-04
I remember my first day on the job well... January 14th 2001...
Reaper1-1 will mentor you for the first 1000 strips, but after that you're on your own. Sure you're up to this?
Brad, it's either "Obvious Punchline Character #3" or it's back to sleeping in off-license doorways.
Crap... this is gonna suck ass. Oh well... it could be worse.
AGAIN! And this time with FEELING!! Remember, stay focused!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-04
Vex works in tech support. All day he talks to real estate agents who need help. Vex is real, these calls are real...
Um, The computer says to press okay to continue... duh, what shoudl I do?!
Vex: ... I don't think I've ever run into this one before. I'm going out on a limb here but I think you should press "Ok".
Moh!

 

by jes_lawson
2-12-04
It's an incredible thing, the mind. By believing in something, we make it real.
Urm....yes. Are you coming over on Friday?
By believing even the most imposible thing, it affects us, thus making its effects tangible, thus realising it.
Have you been drinking, Jes?
So what if I've had a few absinth slammers again? It's not like you're going to eat me alive for it.

 

by jes_lawson
2-13-04
It took me all day at work setting up the chain of hacked machines I would use to disguise my trail...
...and all night to safely look for it using a long-forgotten password from an old housemate...
...but finally, I got to see the infamous leaked Microsoft source code
/* TO DO Fix these bugs later */

// Obvious memory leaks here, fix later...

/* J.E.S.Lawson, First-Year Introductory Programming*/
NOOO! It can't be! I watched the entire department in flames on TV! I set the incendiaries myself!

 

by jes_lawson
2-13-04
LURKING in the SHADOWS of your CUPBOARDS!
Grraaiinnss...
FEASTING upon your SOFT, YIELDING FLOUR!
Grrraaaiiinnnsss!
BEWARE... the RESIDENT WEASLE!
GRR... what in the fuck?
WAAAAAANNNNGGGSS!

 

by jes_lawson
2-13-04
It took me all day at work setting up the chain of hacked machines I would use to disguise my trail...
Employee, under pain of death, we need you to...
Feck Off!
...and all night to safely look for it using a long-forgotten password from an old housemate...
Jes, You've been on that for hours. It's my birthday and...
Feck...I mean...Happy birthday, I'll be with you in a minute or ten...
...but finally, I got to see the infamous leaked Microsoft source code
Oh dear God! It's worse than I thought!
Module : Re: Fw: Surprise her in the B.E.D.R.O.O.M. fzh42384

Copyright Microsoft Corp®

 

by jes_lawson
2-13-04
Oblivious to everything else, I looked for the leaked code...
Man, the new office heaters are good, I can almost feel my jersey smouldering!
...and once I found it, I was again, oblivious to everything...
You don't mind waiting a few more hours before we get dinner, do you, sweetie?
...and as I read it, I wondered "What demi-gods on Earth walk the halls of Portland as programmers?"
It looks like you've finished Project Longhorn. Do you and the other infinite number of your kind need any help changing the typewriter ribbon?

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-04
Good or bad, I rate honestly. And thanks for all my comments, whatever they may say.
Don't you have better things to do than comment on comments?
You're right.
*WORKING*

 

by jes_lawson
2-17-04
Batman could SO kick Superman's ass!
Of course he could.
He's in a wheelchair, for God's sake!

 

by jes_lawson
2-18-04
So, uh, I see Northern Ireland finally managed to score after two years.
I would have thought between 1.5 million of them, they could have got a result. But yeah, sometimes it can be hard.
Then I learned that after 6 double vodkas, you can score with anything, and it's best not to listen to them telling you about their "operation"...

 

by jes_lawson
2-23-04
I, Ralph Nader, am running for President again. If elected, the first thing I will do is to spend money to try and reverse this country's appauling 100% mortality rate.
Then I'll pledge $500 million to eradicating fun in all forms, then I'll lie on my back and spin around real fast and make a noise like REEEEEE!
Hasn't that punchline already been done before?
Bite my ass, man, bite my ass.

 

by jes_lawson
2-24-04
Hello? Anyone? Help! My ex-boyfriend went crazy and anchored me here! Help! The tide's rising! HEEELP!
HEEELP - *splutter*...
Hey, I heard you ran into your ex-girlfriend at the weekend.
Cat? Oh yeah, we, uh, went to the mountains. And definitley not to the abandoned pier. No ma'am. "Wave" goodbye to that thought...*snigger*

 

by jes_lawson
2-25-04
Arse Bisuits!

 

by jes_lawson
2-25-04
Forgive me Farter, for I have sinned. It has been three weeks since I last wiped.

 

by jes_lawson
2-25-04
What's this? "Your browser is boring. Click here to upgrade"
Hell yeah! It's about time Microsoft started puttin' nudey pics on the buttons or something... - *click*
Hey, this is cooler already, I've won a daily banner prize! *click*
It looks like you're a gullible sucker! Do you need help filling your system with shite? Click Yes or Affirmitive!

 

by jes_lawson
2-28-04
Hi there! Nice day for a walk, isn't it?
Halt! These woods are no place for a maiden! You may not pass!
Excuse me?
The Uruk-Hai have been seen a league to the north, and...
God, I so hate LARPers...
Fair maid! Wait!

 

by jes_lawson
2-28-04
I...uh...I'm sorry, I guess I wasn't expecting...
Expecting anyone else to be in the forest today?
Well yeah, that and uh...
What? Spit it out, Legolas!
It's Brian actually, and I was wondering maybe if sometime...
HELLO? Look more closely, Lord of The Rings! This isn't a spare tyre I've been carrying around for 5 months!

 

by jes_lawson
2-28-04
Oh, I had no idea, uh...
Listen, I'm getting pretty tired now, so if you'd like to get out of the way, I'm going home.
See you round, Brian.
But...but...
I'm in love!

 

by jes_lawson
3-02-04
My milkshake entices people 2 tha yard and they enjoy life substantially more so than you.
I could teach you, however said service would involve a fee.
I could have wrote that song you know...

 

by jes_lawson
3-03-04
Your 2nd ex-wife is on the phone - apparently the alimony won't cover Paige Junior's boarding school fees.

 

by jes_lawson
3-03-04
Your ex-liver is on the phone, the absinth lawsuit is coming to court on Monday

 

by jes_lawson
3-03-04
Your ex-wife is on the phone, something about "the last 10 years being an absinth hallucination won't wash in court."

 

by jes_lawson
3-03-04
1996
I...suppose one pint of beer can't do any lasting damage...
Mmm...elderflower and hops...
2006
Fuck.

 

by jes_lawson
3-04-04
Nietsche
Hell is other people.
Anon.
Hell is being trapped in a room with your friends for eternity.
"Hell is being trapped in a room with Morrissey for eternity" - Lawson
"Hell is some kind of thiiing... It's raining again

In Godless Manchester.

And I don't belong anywhere, apparently...

 

by jes_lawson
3-13-04
So, as you can see, there's a lot of potential with this flat.
You mean like, electrical potential? I'm sure my hair wasn't sticking up like this before I came in...
This is the front room. Did I mention how motivated the seller is?
Yeah, these summons and debt collection agencies letters would make anyone "motivated".
Do you think you could make a decision before Friday? The seller's quite desperate and...what was that noise?
That was the sound of a couple of thousand pounds dropping from my offer.

 

by jes_lawson
3-14-04
"In assessing the strategic vision of the company, I'd like to suggest they lack even the basic analytical skills to spot a dog's egg on the pavement."
Oh NO! If Jes submits this report, he could be fired! I'd better alter this...
"In assessing the strategic vision of the company, I'd just like to say it's fine and dandy, and I'm happy to go the extra mile for them, even when it's for less pay and longer hours."
Oh NO! If Jes submits this, I'll never get a ring on my finger! I'd better alter this...

 

by jes_lawson
3-15-04
Hey, you're home early! What's up?
I was programming and accidentally spelt "void" with an extra 'e', and couldn't stop laughing, so the boss sent me home.
If you were on medication, I'd double it. Or stop taking it. Either's probably for the best.
Ha ha ha! "Verily sir, this programme doth not compyle! A poxe on Lord Gates of Microsofte!" Ha ha ha!

 

by jes_lawson
3-15-04
*whimper*...*sniff*...
What's wrong?
I was looking at the moon, thinking about us, then suddenly, it hit me in the eye like a big pizza pie...
Oh, baby I LOVE that Sinatra song! So you're trying to say that you love me?
No. There's a fecking great moonrock lodged in my retina! And...aw Gawd! This feels like an anchovy!
I'll phone for an optomoetrist, an exogeologist, a chef, and a genital burns specialist. You'll need him last, after I'm done...

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
The city is under attack!
Thank God! It's Spiderman!
Uhh...yeah, I'm Phil Spiderman. What's up?
Aren't you going to stop Dr. Octopus from destroying the city?
Look lady, I think you may have me confused with someone else. I'm just a tax accountant.

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Then what's with the costume?
This? Uh...I'm on my way to a fancy dress party at my nephew's house
You can't fool me! You were in the newspaper! You were bitten by a radioactive spider!
And I was in hospital with leukemia for 6 months! Dang spider cost me the Barton-Hughes contract!

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Jeez, what's with people? You get into the national press because of one little freak accident and suddenly you're a celebrity. Have you heard back from Detroit yet?
Yeah, they're faxing the Bogleby audit through now. You want some coffee?
No thanks. Any more for me today and I'll be crawling up the walls...
Yes! I KNEW it!

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Now, Schwartz, you've only been with the firm a short time, but that doesn't make this any easier.
Huh?
We're going to have to give you the axe.
Woah...let me just go and get changed first...
Later...
|o Keep on rockin' in the free world! o|
Hey Schwartz, cut it out! Some of us have social security to collect!

Showing page 10.

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