All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
1-31-04
Ooh! Hot babes...come on in! I'm here to serve and fulfill your fantasies!
Oh man, maybe some hottie will flash me!
Maybe...uh. Hi.
Excuse me sonny, do you sell Preparation H here?

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Ugh, dumb old ladies...next one through the door will be the girl of my dreams! I just know it! Geez, I hope my hair looks alright-
AAGH! Hmm, I guess she ain't that bad...
Hi there. I've got these sores on my vagina and I was wondering if you sell anything that might help clear it up...
HEY! Where are you going?

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
Whew, thank God she's gone...hopefully I didn't catch whatever fuckin' disease she had!
Man, this sucks! No hot women have came into the store at all! Hey, what's this back here...newest issue of Hustler...
NOTICE : EXPLICIT CONTENT HAS BEEN BLOCKED OUT FOR YOUR PROTECTION
Ah-Guh!

 

by niteowl
1-31-04
10 minutes later...Jon is back and Psycho Boy has left the building.
Hey...where the hell is that guy? And what's that issue of Hustler doing out...
...and what's that white stuff on the counter-
THAT SONOFABITCH!

 

by niteowl
2-01-04
Ahh, halftime. Now I can finish the last half of "War and Peace".

 

by niteowl
2-01-04
Hey man, did you see the ad for that new Viggo Mortensen movie?
Nope. What's it called?
Shit...I don't remember...
Ok, then what's it about?
Well, Viggo's character participates in a 3000 mile, cross-country, winner-take-all race...
Excellent...they made a new Cannonball Run movie!

 

by niteowl
2-02-04
Mom? Can I have some money for lunch at school tomorrow?
I already gave you $15 for lunch money for the week! What did you spend it on?
Levitra, Mom. I can't a get a boner and I need help. A lot of men have this problem, you know.
But you're not a man, you're only 9 years old for christ's sake! You haven't even hit puberty yet!
Then will you give me some money for something that'll make me hit puberty?

 

by niteowl
2-02-04
Ever wonder why they call it "rap music"?
Because you get an uncontrollable urge to rap those "artists" upside the head and tell 'em to shut the hell up whenever you hear it?
Remember "I'm The Man" by Anthrax?
Now that was a classic.

 

by niteowl
2-03-04
So what did you think of those Super Bowl commercials?
Oh boy, were those great or what? How about that farting horse, or the dog that bit that guys' nuts to get the beer! A couple of classics right there!
Ugh...
What do you mean, "ugh"? So what was your favorite, you smarmy fuck?
The Simpsons' MasterCard one.
That one sucked! Too high-brow for me.

 

by niteowl
2-03-04
What a great Super Bowl this year, eh? That Jake Delhomme, I bet the Saints are wishing they would've kept him instead of Brooks.
Janet's Boob. Bud Light. Janet's Boob. Bud Light. Janet's Boob. Bud Light.
And Tom Brady, what a trooper...it's truly amazing what he accomplishes without a star receiver. Did you watch the game?
Huh? What game?
THE SUPER BOWL, DUH! The show that was on when it wasn't halftime or a commercial break? Did you watch it, Mr. Sports Fan?!?
Um, no. I switched channels to the Charmed marathon on TNT whenever they started playing again.

 

by niteowl
2-03-04
Daniel, I need to see those reports right now.
Ah, the thing is, boss, I haven't actually done them yet.
What? You'd better have a damn good excuse, Daniel.
Well, what happened was...
I was almost done with the report when my fawn ate it...Then she got diarrhea. So back off, I'm dealing with a lot of shit right now!

 

by niteowl
2-04-04
You can't gain weight if you're dead, motherfucker.
Just think of all the weight you'll lose when you start decomposing.
PIGS! ALL PIGS MUST DIE! Right, Charlie?
Right on, man.

 

by niteowl
2-04-04
"Mark Wahlberg : The E! True Hollywood Story."
"...Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch scored a major hit with Good Vibrations."
"...it only took 50 minutes to write the song..."
NO WAY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

 

by niteowl
2-04-04
I got good news! I'm going to be a daddy...Julie is pregnant!
Well, congratulations Rog!
Thanks dude. I was afraid you might be judgmental about me getting Julie pregnant, with us not being married and all...
Uh...
I meant congratulations on finally getting laid.

 

by niteowl
2-05-04
Go on, tell him.
Angel on my left shoulder, I think it's over between us.
NOOO!
It's about time you got rid of that guy.
Yeah. I sure won't miss that condescending tone of his.

 

by niteowl
2-06-04
Let's go to the drugstore so I can get some arthritis medicine.
Ok.
I want to be able to run and jump again!
You'll need a lot more than just arthritis medicine when you fall and break a hip from all that jumping around.

 

by niteowl
2-06-04
Uh oh, someone left a nasty comment on my info page. It says I'm "possibly impotent".
I bet you got that bad rating because of the questionable content in some of your strips.
Questionable content? What are you talking about?
You diss Amercian Idol, rap music, and the Iraqi invasion constantly. Those are pretty popular things these days, you know.
Aaah, big deal. One bad rating ain't gonna kill me.
Oh really...Do I need to remind you of what happened to people who went against the grain? Remember The Dixie Chicks and Geraldo Rivera?

 

by niteowl
2-06-04
9:00 am.
Hi there Russ, how are you doing? It's a beautiful day out there today, isn't it? Makes me wish I wasn't stuck here at work!
Hello Zoe. Yes it is.
3:00 pm.
Hello Russ.
Hey Zoe! How are you doing? It's Friday...almost done with another week, woohoo! So what have you got planned for the weekend?
Wow, Russ...you're usually so shy, you hardly ever say a word, and now you're all talkative and stuff. Are you ok?
I'm great, the 2 liter of Mountain Dew I drank earlier finally kicked in!

 

by niteowl
2-06-04
Now I see why you wear that ridiculous skirt, it's easier for you to scratch your ass.

 

by niteowl
2-06-04
Victor, it's Oveur between us.
Roger, Roger.

 

by niteowl
2-07-04
...we're going to South Carolina and Oklahoma and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas...YEAAAAAAAGGGH!
Dude, did he just spit on us?
Yep. Good thing I dressed accordingly.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
Hi God. I have a question.
*BEEP* Hello, this is God. I am unable to take your call right now.
I am no longer employed by Heaven, Inc.
What the...?
You may now reach me at Hell Inc. at 666-1212. Thank you. *BEEP*

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
Hello? God, are you really gone?
Please say something...
Come back already! Whatever it is us humans did, we're sorry, ok?
Ahem..Oh, hello. I apologize, I was on the throne.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
What's the deal with that message on your answering machine, God? Are you really leaving us?
I might be.
But why?
I'm tired of this job. Too much stress involved.
Stress? What stress? All you do is sit around all day-
Kid, I'm already at my breaking point. Don't push it.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
What exactly is stressing you out, God?
It's more like, what ISN'T stressing me out lately...
Like this Janet Jackson boob thing. Everyone's all "outraged"...BIG DEAL, so a tit fell out on national TV. Whoop-de-fricken-doo.
And I really wish people would stop speaking for me by saying, "God doesn't approve of it."

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
But isn't nudity on network TV against the law or something?
Yes, but when it's live like that there's not much you can do about it.
Is it true that a bunch of people are suing CBS, MTV, and NFL over this?
Yes. Absolutely sickens me.
Kinda makes that whole McDonald's hot coffee suit look more and more legitimate everyday.
I wouldn't go THAT far...but I get the point.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
So it's the way us humans act that makes you want to quit, eh...
Yeah. You all ask for too much from me. It's just never enough with you guys. Here's an example...
Some guy prays to snag a hot chick...but nooo, that's not enough! The next day he prays to have two hot chicks at the same time...
...and don't get me started on the money thing. I can't just magically make you win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket first.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
I know you're frustrated, God...but you can't quit. Some people really do need you...
Yeah, I guess you're right.
So you'll stay?
I suppose.
Yay!
But no more questions about who's gonna win Survivor All-Stars!

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
Thank you God for sticking around.
You're welcome. You had a question for me?
Yes I do. You see, I've got a book report due Monday, but I don't know anything about American Presidents...
Can you help me out?
Sure, kid. The library is right down the street.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
"UrbanKind Seattle Urban Lifestyle Hip-Hop Events"
Uh oh, depressed hip-hop artists dressed in flannel alert!

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
Thanks for the milk. Here, have a ten-spot.
This sure beats the tips I got working at Dairy Queen.

 

by niteowl
2-08-04
Alright Cindy, you can either bid on this showcase or pass it to Tom. What do you wanna do?
Ummm...
Remember, the showcase you just saw featured a Ferrari, a fully furnished mansion in Hollywood, and a 18 carat diamond ring...
I'll pass!
Are you sure Cindy? That is one fantastic prize package!
The second showcase is always better though!

 

by niteowl
2-09-04
Surprise! You're on Candid Camera!
AAAAH! Get out before I call the cops!
Later...
"WOOO YOUR TEH HOTTEST WEBCAM CHICK EVAR"
Thanks. Nipple shot next, boys?

 

by niteowl
2-09-04
Mom, were you ever a hippie?
Nope.
So you didn't do any crazy stuff when you were younger?
Sure I did. I used to keep booze in my locker in high school.
Oh Jesus, MOM! My image of you is like totally shattered!
I started smoking when I was 9 too.

 

by niteowl
2-10-04
I bought you a present today...
Ooh, ooh...let me see!
Ok, here you go dear. Only cost me $25!
Awesome! The Hockey Chronicle...The entire year-by-year history of the NHL! Wow, 670 pages. Thank you honey!
That oughta keep him off the computer for a while...
I hope there's some funny stories in it, maybe I can get some good comic ideas.

 

by niteowl
2-11-04
Valentine's Day is coming up. I can't wait.
I imagine you'll be hitting the bars again to pick up a lonely younger woman, eh?
Damn skippy. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. They're usually so desperate that even a guy like me has a shot at bringing a hot chick back to my place.
You better hope your mom isn't still awake when you get home.

 

by niteowl
2-13-04
Guess what I saw on the way home from work today?
What?
A van from The Department of Homeland Security. It passed me on the highway.
Wow...
It's a good thing you never got around to putting that "Regime Change Starts At Home" bumper sticker on the car.

 

by niteowl
2-13-04
1.
That whipped cream sure tasted fishy.
2.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume that this was your first time...
3.
I started counting the ceiling tiles after about 30 seconds.

 

by niteowl
2-13-04
We should've watched that porno a little longer, maybe you would've gotten a decent idea on what to do.
Thank God I got the diamond engagement ring earlier tonight.
There's got to be another farmer around here you could sell me off to...

 

by niteowl
2-13-04
At least Jesus brought the wood, unlike you.
It would've been nice if you would've moved, I thought you were dead.
Looks like you don't have a Weapon of Mass Destruction either, George.

 

by niteowl
2-14-04
May 19, 1864 ( Civil War )
Im gonna rip your head off!
Im gonna rip out your eyes and shove them up your ass so you can see it when I kick your ass!
Wait! This is messed up! We shouldnt be fighting, we should be trying to find out how to resolve our differences with peace not violence.
Yeah, I guess your right.
Rock, Paper, Scissors again?
Fuck that, you cheated when we played that at Chattanooga. Let's play Odds-Evens this time.

 

by niteowl
2-15-04
...and here us humans just assumed you aliens were so advanced at everything.
Did you know your remote control doesn't work?
You woke me up from my ancient slumber for THAT?

 

by niteowl
2-15-04
"What a great game, and the fans are loving it. Look at that guy, now there's one happy fan!"
Oh man...
Later...
I watched the hockey game on TV today...they showed you in the stands.
No shit? I didn't think they were actually filming that when they pointed the camera at me! What I did was pretty cool, eh?
Dude, you pulled up your shirt and started licking your nipples. You totally made an ass out of yourself.
But I got on TV!

 

by niteowl
2-15-04
So you're the new kid in town, eh?
Yep. Your days of ruling this house are over.
Oh really...
Yeah, REALLY. Us babies need to be taken care of constantly. All it takes is 30 seconds of blood-curdling screams, and everything stops 'round here.
You just wait until the next time I take a dump on the rug. They'll blame you.
Ha. I don't think so, buddy. My poop is in the greenish/yellow stage, and yours ain't.

 

by niteowl
2-16-04
Hey man, how come you don't feed me when you're here? Everyone else feeds the animals here.
I don't have money to buy food for you.
Then why don't you get a job if you have no money?
Because I'm a lazy bum.
And another thing...shouldn't you be in school?
Grandma, couldn't have you picked something better to be reincarnated as?

 

by niteowl
2-16-04
Gabe, how did you know it was me?
Because Grandma, you always used that tone when you were trying to teach me "right from wrong".
Sorry Gabe. You always were my favorite grandson you know...
I know...
I say these things only because I care. So...have you been eating your vegetables?
I already know you care Granny! Geez...

 

by niteowl
2-16-04
So how do you like me as a squirrel, Gabe?
I'd like you better if you were a hot brunette with big boobs and a ghettolicious booty.
Uh, wait. Scratch that. Nevermind.

 

by niteowl
2-16-04
Why couldn't I have been reincarnated as a big movie star...
It doesn't work that way, Granny. Everyone always thinks they'll be reincarnated as someone they'd like to be.
That's strange. I kinda liked squirrels when I was a human...
And I really liked sunflowers! How come I didn't come back as one of those?
Because sunflowers don't have voice boxes, and therefore can't annoy the shit outta me.

 

by niteowl
2-16-04
...Or why couldn't I have came back as a racecar driver? That would've been neat!
She is really beginning to piss me off...Screw this, I'm outta here.
I could've came back as a chicken. Chicken, mmm. I'm getting REALLY hungry now.
ALRIGHT, ENOUGH! I'm going to go look for a job. Happy now? Sheesh...Later Granny.
What a chump! I can't believe he fell for that whole Granny bit. He better have some white bread for me next time I see him, or I'll be burying HIS nuts.

 

by niteowl
2-17-04
You dork.
You goober!
Bitch!
Asshole!
Exchanges like this are why we rarely fight, dear.
Exactly. Why bother fighting when we can just call each other names in jest. Dicksmack!

Showing page 10.

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