All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Afternoon, Phil. You're a little late, aren't you?
Yeah, traffic today was murder for some reason.
Didn't you hear? Dr. Octopus destroyed half a city block!
Those damn supervillains again! Someone ought to do something about them!
What are you looking at me like that for?

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Morning sir!
Morning, Leanne. Can you take a letter? The traffic today was terrible.
Of course, sir, "traffic". *tee-hee!*
OK, so it's just a standard request for info on capital gains from Bogleby. And tack on a reminder for next month's audit as well.
Yes sir, Mr. Spiderman, sir! *tee-hee!*
What the...? For the hundredth time Leanne, the salutation should NOT read "Your friendly neighbourhood tax accountant"

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
We're taking the top brass from Goldberg Robins out to dinner this evening, Spiderman. Are you with us?
Oh yes, sir. My wife and I are looking forward to it.
Yes. Mind you I expect you'll be called out on some crucial emergency again.
If you mean the time the babysitter called at our last working dinner, I can... Look, I really want to clinch this deal, boss. I'm due a bonus.
Whatever happened to "action is his reward"?
With respect sir, I'm getting really sick of hearing that.

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
That evening...
Ah! Schwartz! There you are! Darling, this is Ed Schwartz, our new graduate trainee. Schwartz, this is my wife, Mary-Jane.
Pleased to meet you.
D-did you say...Mary-Jane?
Yes, I...Schwartz? Schwartz, are you all right?
It's happening again! Honey, why do people always act weird when we go out together?
\o In the chiiill of night! At the sceeene of the crime! \o

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Boy, sometimes I really wonder what I'm still doing with my firm.
I know. The jackasses at work seem to like making weird comments about my visual disability.
How so?
They're always trying to make me walk along the office window ledges and jump 5 storeys. When I complain they say "What happened to 'The Man Without Fear'"?
I think I know what you mean. Phil Spiderman, Nanderson Consulting
Murdock Daredevil, Goldberg Robins.

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
You know, we never used to have this problem back in Houston. It was only when we moved to New York.
Tell me about it. Ever since I moved here it's been like one long surreal nightmare.
Mary-Jane and I are thinking of moving.
Really? Where to?
A little place in Michigan we found. Yep, Gotham City's the place for us.
I...uh...never mind. Say, is your wife really named Mary-Jane?

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Ah, Spiderman, there you are! I thought you'd "spun off" somewhere!
Well sir, I was just talking to Daredevil from Goldberg Robins. Did you know we could immediately save them 10% of their annual net profit by...
Oh, that guy! Yeah, I was hoping you two "office heroes" might "team up"!
I...
But never mind all that now, there's someone here back here I want you to meet!
Please. Please God, Don't let it be the editor of the Daily Bugle...

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Thanks to new editing technology, we can now distill the essence of various Stripcreator user humour into easy to use templates.
We can also use it to predict the future.
No we can't!
No, but we can always go back and edit the templates later.

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
As an example, here's some of my early work in template form
Hey Rich! Let's go and do some [ACTIVITY NAME]!
Hey Ben. [ACTIVITY NAME] ?
Arsenal will win the 2004 FA Cup!
-
Kerry will take California!
-
Michael Stipe will be revealed as a futuristic cyborg killing machine from the year 2029!
Shortly...
[OPTIONAL PUNCHLINE]

 

by jes_lawson
3-16-04
Mr. Robins, this is our very own office hero, Phil Spiderman. Spiderman, this is Mr. Robins, MD of Goldberg Robins. But you sensed that already, huh, big guy?
*mutter* I wish to Christ I knew what this was all about!
Mr. Spiderman! Our Mr. Daredevil told me all about the cost saving plan you've both thrashed out. We're going to go with it from Monday!
This is it! The big time! I can see the movie version now: Phil Spiderman: Prudent Fiscal Analyst.
One more thing. Do you think, next time you're "on call", spell my grand-daughter's name in webbing on the 36th Precinct Bridge? She's a big fan.
!

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
The Theme from the A-Team is a traditional Irish song

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
Absinth is the only green liquid that should EVER be consumed (and only then in small amounts)

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
Why are you lying on the floor?
*moan* - Duty on beer went up by a penny
Well, it's about time! Maybe this will make you think twice about drinking all that fattening...
Duty on wine went up 4p
*moan*
*moan*

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
Irish stew looks even worse when spewed onto the pavement than it does in the bowl.

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
This is the worst business dinner I ever...HEY! What's that you're reading?
Spider-Man!
Yes, that's my name...
No, Spider-Man, the comic! You know, "Does whatever a spider can"?
Lemme see that...yadda yadda, Peter Parker, radioactive spider...Suddenly this whole thing is all making sense!
Yeah, I know! Everything in life I learned from comic books! From physics to philosophy, it's all there!

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
You...base your life choices on comics? That's just mad!
No it's not! Good always wins over evil - fact. The hero always gets the girl - fact!
But...
People with aliterative names become heroes! That's why I changed my name to Steve Stickly!
But...
And that's why I've been prosecuted five times from trying to sneak into atomic testing grounds and government laboratories!

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-04
[CATCHPHRASE!] [NAME OF ONE-NOTE CHARACTER] will [PERFORM TRADEMARK ACTION]!
[EXPRESSION OF SHOCK/DISGUST/SURPRISE!]
[ELUCIDATION OF SAID ONE-NOTE FUNCTION]
[RETORT/REMARK]
[HUMOROUS PUNCHLINE RELATING TO SODOMY/INCEST/EATING OF BABIES]
GASP!

 

by jes_lawson
3-20-04
All right then! If people think I'm some kind of comic book hero, I may as well start acting like one!
Huzzah!
Come on, Stickman! Let's go and sort out that Doc Octupus guy who blew up 81st Street this morning!
Excelsior!
Tell me again, Dr. Octopus...how did my husband die?
He offered to do my taxes for free, then the skinny guy threw a hammer at me, missed, and re-ignited the gas leak that destroyed my surgery this morning...

 

by jes_lawson
3-22-04
Hey, Grandad! What was it like back when you were young?
When I was young, eh? Why I remember that like it was yesterday!
There I'd be, out in the jungle, head-butting a triceratops to death for our dinner!
Stitch this, ya big lummox...*KNUT*
ROOAARR! By my troth! I am dieing!
Grandpa, you old imbecile! Dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years!
It could have been a mastodon I suppose...

 

by jes_lawson
3-22-04
Hey Granny! Grandad's completely lost his mind this time!
Well you have to remember dear, he's very old!
Old? He's 35!
Well, he IS part Neanderthal after all, and they don't live much past 40. Now run along and play, Stig!
Wa-hey! Tar pits, here I come!
And see if you can forage for some berries! That partially rotted mammoth was too chewy! And turn down that damn rock and rock music. Crazy kids...

 

by jes_lawson
3-23-04
Excuse me, I'm looking for...
Ohmigod,ohmygod It's YOOOOUU!
Uhh...sorry?
Like...I am your BIGGEST fan! Can I have your autograph Dr. Kaufman?
Well...I suppose...*scribble* There you are.
What the...PHIL Kaufman, MD? That's not even a PUN!

 

by jes_lawson
3-29-04
My friend Scott set fire to his own testicles once, but that's nothing compared to how much of a quarter-witted Godfucker Mikey G is.
I for one think Mikey's a fucking legend. God bless ya son, all of the boys down at the Hoboken, NJ Gay Firemen's Social Club love ya, big fella.
Like the man in the combats said, G's a total Godfucker. And am I still sore, boy howdy! Arse-rendering little bitch-bastard...

 

by jes_lawson
3-30-04
For the million pounds...Which team...in 1968...
Yes?
won...a cup final... in Honolulu...and...what was... the score?
Yes! I know this one!
Hawaii! 5-0!

 

by jes_lawson
4-01-04
*urp!* Can you believe it? I nail a jug of White Russian, and The Big Lebowski comes on TV!
*arp* - They really took the edge of the homebrew and calimocho pre-mix!
Still 3 more days of this to go...*urp* and then I'm going on a week long martial arts holiday! 9 days of Beer-Jitsu!
Bollocks you'll be doing any training - the only art you'll be practicing is lifting your pint arm!
Meanwhile, next to the kidneys...
That's fucking it! I'm out of here!

 

by jes_lawson
4-01-04
Hello UK! This is one weird fuckin' place to have a festival!
Woo!
Hey! Anne Frank wrote about this place! She said: "This place sucks - I'm moving back to Holland!" Ha Ha!
Woo...huh?!
Sorry about that last joke! Hey! Who wants to hear "I Got Erection?"...

 

by jes_lawson
4-05-04
You load 16 tons, and what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt?
Actually, it was more like £976.13 for a 12 hour shift!
Rock!
Naw, unprocessed bauxite.
Bauxite still rocks, though...

 

by jes_lawson
4-05-04
Cuntfucker!
Why thank you, I do enjoy fucking the occasional cunt.
Hey, do you know how to fly this thing? I was asleep during the briefing...

 

by jes_lawson
4-05-04
Stuck on an out-of-control alien spaceship with Kajun Firefly! What could be worse?
BZZZRT...Near, far, whereeeever yooou aaaare! I belieeeeve that the heart, does go oohooo-ooooon!
Hey! This thing's got a radio!
Oooonce! mooooore! You ooopen the dooooor, And you're here in my heart, and my heart will goooo ooooon and ooooon!
Firin'!

 

by jes_lawson
4-05-04
I think I've managed to figure out some of the controls
Firin'!
I think I can crash-land the spaceship, somewhere where it'll do no real harm to the local public and won't be noticed...
Tynecastle?
What?

 

by jes_lawson
4-05-04
Right, Firefly, stop dicking about and go sort out those controls over there
Aye, I'll see if I can adjust our re-entry angle.
Good thinking. If we enter at the wrong angle, we'll either bounce off the atmosphere or burn up like alcohol-filled fireworks
*SPLASH* *FZZZ*
Woah, cabin temperature's up...are you deep frying a haggis back there, Kaj?

 

by jes_lawson
4-07-04
Look, what is this about?
We've got a guy in hospital, shot through the heart. Says you're to blame.
Jon? Damn, I thought I killed him! Alright, I'll come quietly.
I'm not arresting you for that.
No?
No, you did us a favour there. However, you're an accessory to giving love a bad name.

 

by jes_lawson
4-16-04
Awesome! #stripcreator is back online!
...

 

by jes_lawson
4-19-04
This is your brain.
Dum dum duggery do!
This is your brain on slievowice, a 60% proof Yugoslavian plum brandy
ŞļijРОЖТЎБД! ŞļijРОЖТЎБД! ŞļijРОЖТЎБ&#
This is your brain the next morning...
I'd say "Moh", but it feels like Hulk Hogan and The Rock are fighting a cage match in my skull.

 

by jes_lawson
4-20-04
Yep...
Yep...
Y...
It's not going to suck itself, you know...

 

by jes_lawson
4-21-04
The original
Hey, you know that Kool-Aid you were keeping in the garage? I had a glass of it but it tasted terrible so I threw it all out. Hope you don't mind...
The sequel
Rehabilitated? Aw, pity! I bet you could hide a body in the dumpster behind this bar REAL easy!
Part III
6? Ha ha! I stiffed 7 hookers last summer alone! Bet ya can't top THAT!

 

by jes_lawson
4-21-04
Welcome to Record Breakers! On the line we have Mr. Funtclap from Norwich. What's your question, sir?
Well Norris, I've got a 12" vinyl disc with a hole in the centre and I want to know...
...is it a record?
That's all we have time for folks, I'm Roy Castle! "Dedication, oooh, dedication! Dedication! That's what you need!"

 

by jes_lawson
4-22-04
From Green, to Brown and through Snivilisation
See ya, bro!
Past the In Sides and on to The Middle of Nowhere
Minus my dialog, this was the album cover for Middle of Nowhere.
Leaving us in The Altogether, making me Blue. I'll be there for the 2nd last gig ever on June 25th.
See ya, bro!

 

by jes_lawson
4-25-04
Finally tonight, a man stands to win $1 million as the result of a bizzare bet he made.
Local idiot Jim Stickson bet his friend Bob Descolada he couldn't make a replica model of the White House out of hay!
LIVE
Bob, it's taken you 6 months, but you're about to complete your model! How do you feel?
Looking forward to that million, Gerald. And Jim, I hope you didn't forget the penalty forefeit we agreed on. There! The final piece of hay is in place!
That's the last straw! OW! OW!

 

by jes_lawson
4-26-04
Deliveries! Your Amazon order by the looks of it, sir!
Radical, but you could have picked a more civilised time! It's barely 10am on a Saturday!
What have you got there?
CDs from Amazon and...wait a minute...MS Office for Mac? I didn't order that! There's been a mistake!
You should e-mail Amazon straight away and tell them what's...Hey! That's not the Amazon web-site!
I know, it's stripcreator.com. Something tells me I'm going to get a lot of comic mileage out of this little episode.

 

by jes_lawson
4-27-04
I had to check on the internet to see if Sugar Smacks were the same as Sugar Puffs. They're not.
Sugar Puffs? They sound like what flaming English queens eat for breakfast! What are they?
Little puffs of wheat coated in sugar? You've never seen the Honey Monster?
There's a...Honey Monster? My God! This conspiracy just gets weirder all the time!
I'll leave you to speculate what he did to the Sugar in Sugar Smacks. Meantime, I'd better get back onto the right continent before I'm missed

 

by jes_lawson
4-27-04
It says here that this Mac software Amazon sent you by mistake shouldn't be exported outside the U.S. or Canada!
Hmm...I wonder if I can wangle any freebies out of them by pointing out how they've breached U.S. export regulations...
Thinks he can threaten us with legal loopholes, eh? Fly, my pretties! FLY!
Sue! Sue! Sue! Sue! Ook-ook-EEEK!
Hmm...Better not...
I'd be lucky if I got an expired voucher for an on-line kick up the arse if I did that.

 

by jes_lawson
4-29-04
This looks easy. All I need to do is put the whole order in a box, and post it back to Amazon. And they'll pay for shipping!
Posting to the States will be £4.87. What are the contents?
Software and two compact di...Wait...there's something I forgot to do...
What the...? You'd better hope the RIAA don't read this web-site! Making illicit MP3s is unsafe!
Bah! If they want me to send the WHOLE order back, I might as well keep copies of the bits they DID get right!

 

by jes_lawson
4-30-04
I'll bet the dumb fuck's forgotten to show up.

 

by jes_lawson
4-30-04
HOLD IT! WAIT!
Look, I don't know where Boorite's got to, he hasn't called me or anything!
Says in my contract if he doesn't show up within 3 strips I win by default!

 

by jes_lawson
4-30-04
Where in the name of relational databases have you been, you pantsless prat?
There's a pretty sensible explanation, and it's standing behind you.
Where? I don't see any...
BRICKIDO! *thunk*
AWK!
LEWL!

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-04
Now I've got rid of the regular author, I can have some real fun!
Let's draw me on a cruise ship! And now, maybe some hot chicks...
Oh Yeah! Bring on the bikini girls!
What the hell?
What the hell?
Surprised?

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-04
You don't scare me, you little vermin. I've killed and BBQ'd bigger cocktail weiners than you.
You're forgetting one thing. I'm the one drawing the strip now!
Look behind you, Boorite!
Oh no you don't...I'm not falling for my own trick.
Suit yourself.
Gleep...
It would have been less painful if you'd turned around...

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-04
Ha-HA! Tricked you! Bet the readers didn't really know that it was ME drawing the strip all along!
Uh-oh! You mean...
Exactly! A quick Boorite stomp on your head, and I can get back to partying.
Are you SURE you know who's drawing this strip?
Of course I...AAAGH! It's got my throat! It's got my throat! NO! NOT THE NUTSAC!

 

by jes_lawson
5-03-04
Well, I'll miss the magnificent bastard but I've waited years to finally piss on boorite's grave!
Ahh...is there anything better than the feel of the morning air on your...Hey, I never read this thing before...
[Here lies boorite, killed by a squirrel with a degree in comic writing. PS: Kajun: look behind you]
*THUNK!*
Cunter...

Showing page 11.

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