All comics by ragu4u

 

by ragu4u
12-05-08
The UAW & GM Have Talks
We're giving up all executive bonuses and salary increases. What's the union gonna do?
Well, not much till our breaks are over. Then we have to all get our 16 weeks.....
The UAW & GM Have Talks
...vacation time in...then use up all our sick leave. We will agree to stop getting 95% of our pay while laid off. We ought to eek by with 90% just fine.
The UAW & GM Have Talks
You need to give up some of your health benefits.
Fine. We'll agree that the company does not have to give benefits to workers family members living in foreign countries or in jails any more. THAT'S IT!

 

by ragu4u
12-06-08
Looking For Work At "Chicken Delight"
What experience ya got?
I come from a family with many ties to the industry.
Like?
My relatives have been "parts" of "Tyson", "Pilgrim's Pride", "Church's", "Popeye's", "Kentucky Fried", "Hooters"........
Here at "Chicken Delight" our people give 100%. Will you?
If I say "yes" I'll be sticking my neck out, won't I?

 

by ragu4u
12-06-08
An Amsterdam Brothel
Did you hear that our new mayor is closing all brothels, massage parlors and marijuana cafes?
He claims these things invite a criminal element.
An Amsterdam Brothel
When he really begins to lay down the law we'll all go broke and the tourism will dry up.
Don't you worry, Sven. I've "laid down the law" myself, many, many times.
An Amsterdam Brothel
In fact, they're some of my best return customers. He'll be no different.
Hence the name "JOHN" law, I assume?

 

by ragu4u
12-06-08
I'm out of a job. Will you give me a job to do for pay?
Sure old man. I'll give you a buck if you chop yourself up a bit.
How's this?
That's a terrible job. All you get is 25 cents.
Well let me go sharpen the blade a tad more.
These "over-achievers" are a damn hoot.

 

by ragu4u
12-07-08
Another Sunday...another empty church, Father Joe.
Be patient my son. The Lord works in myster......
And who might YOU be and why are you here?
The Bishop sent me. I'll be taking your place today. Have somebody set my equiptment up on the altar.
One Hour Later
Gee...the church is full of men and they all are eager to contribute at offering time. Their hands are stuffed with $1 bills. You must have a loyal following of believers.
This is a one time shot only, Padre. I'm doing this a personal favor to the Bishop.....a guy who NEVER asks to break a twenty.

 

by ragu4u
12-07-08
You guarantee this knife be "THE" knife?
Absolutely. In fact, I'll autograph the blade for a "C" note and 10 cartons of Camels.
It better not be no fake!
Aw, hell no! It's like new, too. It's still got 4 or 5 more good, clean, decapitations left on it.

 

by ragu4u
12-08-08
Well, Melvin, have you gotten the story I sent you after?
Kinda, sorta.
Damnit man, either ya did or ya didn't. We NEED a fresh angle on the story. The story that wreaks of the internal filth and pollution of mankind. I told you to have it on my desk today. Is it there?
Kinda, sorta. It didn't all fit on your desk , but I know you appreciate a guy who can sniff out the fresh dirt on society...and this is FRESH! When you get a look at it you'll know what I mean.
Melvin, GET IN HERE! A steaming pile of shit isn't exactly what I was after....kinda, sorta!

 

by ragu4u
12-08-08
Listen son, you can't help it you're gay. It's a disease. Don't let it keep you from performing your job.
But they all make fun of me there. I need some time away, Pop.
Well, that's easy enough to fix. You've got sick leave, don't you?
Sure, but...
Just call in "GAY"!
"Oh goody, goody,goody!"

 

by ragu4u
12-09-08
And now for the Channel 3 "Trivia Question of the Day".
If you can name them in 2 minutes or less...name every Illinois Governor WITHOUT a prison record!
WITHOUT a prison record?
How silly of me. Make that 10 seconds or less. We have operators on duty to take your calls.

 

by ragu4u
12-09-08
If my smoking bothers you just get the fuck out, then!
cough, cough..uh...
n'k

 

by ragu4u
12-10-08
Girl...Have you seen Oprah lately? She's back over 200lbs.
You're kidding! With all her resources and support?
Yeah. It's terrible. You almost can't recognize her, anymore.
Oh my God. Here she comes. I'm leaving.
Yikes, she looks like Miss Piggy. How awful!
Now where could Kermy have gotten to?

 

by ragu4u
12-10-08
You know, I only date the hottest babes, right?
So you say, but how do you know how to pick the truly hottest of the bunch?
It's like sizing up cattle. The best babes are like the best cows...they're "corn fed".
So how do ya know which babes are "corn fed?"
First, ya follow one to the ladies room. Then....
Stop right there. I got the picture.

 

by ragu4u
12-10-08
33 year old, Le Trung, from Brampton, Ontario Canada, invents female robot who learns rudimentary language skills.
Aiko! Name an emotion...then name what clocks tell...then name a skill...then name a distance...then say your name...then say my name.
Love-time-Sew-long-me-you
Now, create your own sentence.
Me sew....me sew... me love you long time.
Darn. Still needs some tweaking.
Cough. cough

 

Wait! Maybe"Whole Life" isn't for you. I have a nice "Decreasing Term" policy here that....
by ragu4u, 12-10-08

 

by ragu4u
12-10-08
I've gotta say you look like death warmed over.
Well, so do you.
How bitchin is that?
Totally bitchin, dude.

 

by ragu4u
12-11-08
Hey Joey...It says here that they want to start killing kangaroos for food here in Australia to keep their populations down.
Crikey mate, I heard that too. Well those mother fuckers won't take me without a fight.
Well, if THAT plan goes sideways on ya then I guess ya won't mind if I fill yer ass with cornbread stuffing, eh?
I knew you Vegans were really all liars.

 

by ragu4u
12-11-08
Are YOU serving us the lunches today?
Uh,uh sweet cheeks. I'm your, state provided, conjugal visitor.
No wonder I smell Jack Salmon.
Take me or leave me big boy. I still got another 10 appointments before dinner.

 

by ragu4u
12-11-08
Will you guys just stop with all the "Conversion" business.
But Kabalah is what you need , my brother.
Just shut up and let me be.
And here I was led to believe prison sects was sought after.

 

On Blue...By....You!
And here I hoped Linda Ronstadt was dead.
by ragu4u, 12-11-08

 

Yee Ha
C'mon Murray, give somebody else a chance on that mechanical bull.
by ragu4u, 12-11-08

 

by ragu4u
12-12-08
Did you hear, they removed the video surveylance for our parking lot due to cut-backs?
Yeah, but how can one cashier at the gate watch everything?
They gave him a better vantage point.
How am I gonna make change like this?

 

by ragu4u
12-12-08
Inside "The Bada Bing"
Why are you in a strip club stuffing dollar bills in G-Strings?
Well, I.....
Inside "The Bada Bing"
Shouldn't you be collecting money for the Salvation Army in front of Wal-Mart?
Actually, I'm not with the Salvation Army. I'm with the "Salivation Army."

 

by ragu4u
12-12-08
I'll have you know, Speilberg made a movie about my ancestors too.
Oh, really? Do tell.
You mean you never saw "Jurrasic Pork"?
I'm ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.

 

by ragu4u
12-13-08
Did you see my cover photo in the Mexican "Playboy" this month?
That was YOU posing as the naked virgin Mary?
Pretty hot, huh?
I'm not allowed to say. Pope Bendadick hasn't made a decision on it yet.
Well, when will that be?
Who knows? He's still in the Vatican bathroom with his complimentary issue, making up his mind.

 

by ragu4u
12-13-08
Howdy do. I'm Jeeves, the head butler here at the Bishops Abby.
Oh my. You startled me.
I'm here to pick up all your dirty habits.
Well....#1...I'm an exhibitionist, nymphomaniac!
I say...Looks as if we're going to skuttle the buttle and have a smashing good time, eh wot?

 

Well maybe if ya quit wearing them damned dresses all the time the priest will stop molesting you!
by ragu4u, 12-13-08

 

Unique gloves.
I bite my nails. So what?
by ragu4u, 12-13-08

 

by ragu4u
12-14-08
Let is pray today for the church in Wassila, Alaska that Sarah Palin attends.
Why, Father Joe?
It appears that an arsonist has burned down the peoples house of worship, there in Wassila.
Why pray for Palin's church if somebody burned down the "Bass Pro Shop?"

 

by ragu4u
12-14-08
Hey my brutha, you ever thought about rappin?
Wha?
HELL no! Having to put up the damn Christmas tree is bad enough.

 

by ragu4u
12-14-08
TEST
TICKLE
DICK
TEST
TICKLE

 

by ragu4u
12-14-08
You from "E-Harmony"?
uh...yup.
Those lousy mother fuckers.
Why are the only ones with fine asses, MEN?

 

Hey bro! Guess what tune George W. just added to his I-Pod?
I knows dis one, my man. It's "3 Deeps" WATCH MY SHOES.
by ragu4u, 12-14-08

 

by ragu4u
12-14-08
You know, you wouldn't be so hard to take if it wasn't for.....
For what?
...your "bat" breath and the fact that your kissing SUCKS.
My most sincere apologies!

 

by ragu4u
12-15-08
Hurry up and make a word, already!
Damn it, man. Do I have to spell it out for you?

 

by ragu4u
12-15-08
I came over as soon as I heard. So come out and tell me. Did you get accepted on "Americas Next Top Model?"
Well, did you?
Nope. Too chunky!
Those bastards!

 

by ragu4u
12-16-08
Why are humans so preoccupied with anal sex?
Hey....you get all the pussy you want, so don't bitch about the others that don't.
I mean what is so bad about the "missionary" position?
Look...all I ever got from a missionary was a distemper shot. If that's as good as it gets, I see why humans go butt-hole bangin.

 

by ragu4u
12-16-08
Can I be frank? That is one DUMB looking hat....
...that turned out to be the perfect choice for you to wear during my ass kicking.
Glad you like it, Frank.

 

by ragu4u
12-16-08
First you said there would be a cabin. Now you tell me all we have is a one man pup tent?
I did, however, come through on my promise of bare-back riding.
It's just gonna take place inside the pup-tent.
His pink "Uggs" should have been a dead give-away.

 

by ragu4u
12-16-08
Hey, you invaded or home.
Yeah, you got us all wrong.
We ain't hurtin nobody!
What did ya get em for?
The usual....running a shell game in the subway.

 

by ragu4u
12-17-08
A Cleveland, Ohio Hospital ( a true medical procedure)
This hospital has finally perfected transplanting the human face.
My goodness, how remarkable.
A Cleveland, Ohio Hospital
I will forever be proud of what I am giving to this cause.
With you being a donor, I can see why you're proud. Your a true team player.
A Cleveland, Ohio Hospital
A donor? I can't be a donor. But I am a "team player." I'm the "face-off" specialist.
Oh. I embarrassed him. I had better leave quick or I'll never save face.

 

Momma gave this here stripe to me, Dixon.
Did not, Mason. Pappy done gave it ta me.
by ragu4u, 12-17-08

 

by ragu4u
12-17-08
Thank you all for attending The Martin Luther King Elementary School Production of "A Christmas Carol". Have a happy new year and good night.
Backstage
Alright, where is he? Where is that "Ghost of Christmas Past" mother fucker who almost started the riot out there?
He went to the crapper, Principal Blackmore.
The Crapper
Damn it, Superintendant Pinchapenny, don't you know this here is a school full of black folk?
A ghost wears sheets, right? I saved some money and brought my own from home.

 

Las Vegas 12/18/2008
Damn...wasn't there a pool here yesterday?
I'm either, starting to tan or frostbite is setting in.
by ragu4u, 12-18-08

 

Feb. 17th, 2009.... Analog to Digital
BOX? What box? Nobody told me nuttin bout no BOX!
Bzzzzzzzz
by ragu4u, 12-18-08

 

by ragu4u
12-18-08
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."
Hey Chet...two gals are in the livingroom singing about burning up your nutsack.
Damn...my ex-wives are here!

 

by ragu4u
12-18-08
New At "Burger King"
I wonder if this little hottie will notice?
What is that yummy cologne you're wearing?
It's our beef scented body spray called "Flame". Now beautiful, how may I help you today?
May I have a big, thick, juicy, whopper, please?
Would you like that before you order lunch, or after?
This loser doesn't even qualify as a "Whopper Jr."

 

Hey cutie! Can you put some male in my slot?
Oh snap!
by ragu4u, 12-18-08

 

by ragu4u
12-18-08
So outta the blue, this here vampire comes up and cold cocks me. Down to the floor I go's. He...he...he must have....
"Sucker" punched ya, right? Yeah, that's their specialty.
(Hic) Are you that Van Helsing dude?

 

by ragu4u
12-19-08
The Kitchen at "The China Inn Buffet"
If I say "You use in every entree."...you USE in every entree. OK? OK!
You de boss, Quang Dong.
The Kitchen at "The China Inn Buffet"
Here kitty, kitty.
I shoulda went to "Lasagna Delight" with Garfield.

 

by ragu4u
12-19-08
My pet, how on earth do you keep escaping?
?
IF you ask me, if ya wore "tighty whiteys" instead of going "commando" all the time you wouldn't keep losing yer gerbil.

Showing page 11.

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