All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

You should try writing porn, I bet you'd be good at it.
I have no frame of reference--gay porn is so different.
You mean they don't have guys hooking up in improbable situations?
No, usually two guys make eye contact, then they fuck.
Is that reality or fantasy genre?
Both

 

I don't like country music.
You have to hear Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.
I don't like Brussel sprouts.
You have to try them the way I make it.
I don't like long, sloppy blowjobs from hot strangers I meet in bars.
I'm not falling for that again.

 

So you're gay, huh?
How could you tell?
Prostate exam.
Because I didn't jump or squirm like straight guys?
I know a spit-shine when I see one.

 

Can you get me a Kleenex?
Why can't you get up and get one?
Because my belly button is full of your cum.

 

Good news.
Your cholesterol and triglyceride levels are excellent.
Your HIV test is also negative.
Looks like it's fried chicken and buttsex tonight.

 

I want to learn LISP.
It's genetic, not a choice.
LISP is a programming language.
I know that's what the Christians would have you believe.

 

I went to a Christian Elementary School
Why didn't you turn in any orders for the Christmas fundraiser?
We were constantly shilling for them
I went to three houses in my neighborhood and they all laughed at me.
Sixth Grade is for closers.
I didn't exactly fit in.
As God as my witness, I'll never be seen with a fruitcake again.

 

Would you like to take a three-minute survey on gay relationships?
Okay...
But that's about two minutes longer than the average gay relationship.

 

Happy New Year.
Come on in, I've got a bunch of food out.
What is all this?
Potted shrimp in spiced, clarified butter. Grilled lamb & mint meatballs wrapped in basil leaves. Goat cheese stuffed figs wrapped in bacon...
Wow, this will really get the taste of cock out of my mouth.

 

I'm a musician.
Maybe you've heard of my band.
ZZ Bottom?

 

Dear Fag, If a gay man makes too many bad fashion choices, do you take away his membership card?
Dear Fashion Queen--If you're curious to find out what we do with our members...
I'm sure one of us would be happy to show you.

 

I'm stuck in a hotel on a business trip.
My colleagues have me bored out of my mind.
What should I do?
If I were you, I'd go fuck some dude.

 

My new place doesn't allow pets, so I have to give away my cat.
My mom and sister are highly allergic.
I just don't know what to do.
If I took him, I'd never see them again.
What kind of cat?

 

Buying condoms is so confusing.
There's lubed, unlubed, spermicidal, thin, ribbed, colored, flavored, large, small, warming, desensitizing, latex, polyurethane, lambskin...
What kind do you use?
As long as I'm not shitting an assload of cum, I'm fine.

 

You've really done a lot for me.
Awww, thanks.
Really--I'm a much different person now since I've gotten to know you, so I was wondering...
Oh my god! I've turned him!
Will you be my fag-hag?

 

So what do I have to do as your official fag-hag?
Mainly you compliment my shoes.
I can do that! Then do you compliment mine?
Not today, honey.

 

I think I put all the effort into this relationship.
What do you mean?
You never tell me you love me. You never compliment me. You never say anything that makes me feel special.
What's your point?
How do I know you still like me?
You're still here talking, aren't you?

 

You know, it's been really nice talking to you. Most guys here are just looking for one thing.
But you have so much more depth. I can tell you're really intelligent by the way you hold a conversation.
Wanna fuck?
YES!

 

I'm well-educated, funny, intelligent, sane, and I have a good job.
Why can't I find a guy like me?
It's hard to keep your shit together when it's constantly getting pounded by cocks.

 

Let's get out of here and go over to The Hole.
What an appropriate name.
That place is a bottomless pit.
You mean it's a dive bar?
It's full of tops.

 

Get out there on the dance floor.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No.
You gotta bring sexyback.
I already did that.
What happened?
I exchanged it for what you see here.

 

Being gay is not genetic. It's a choice--a filthy, sinful choice.
By your logic, you could look at me and think I had no choice in putting on this white make-up, purple hair and giant novelty shoes.
Yeah, but you're a clown.

 

Excuse me, where are the turkey basters?
We're all out--it's a seasonal item.
So shouldn't you have a few left over.
Thats just it--we're all out because it's mating season.
Mating season?
Lesbians

 

How's the love life?
Well, I was dating this 23 year-old guy who reminded me of Christian Siriano for three months, then one day he suddenly stopped returning my calls.
Stop staring at me with that, "you shouldn't be surprised all of your relationships are doomed when you only date immature boys" look.

 

In a 4-3 decision, the California Supreme Court has ruled that laws prohibiting gay marriage are unconstitutional.
Hooray for our team.
The ruling should be official within thirty days.
I wonder what the down side of this is going to be.
Son, I'm just worried at your age that you'll never get married and end up dying alone.

 

How about that same-sex marriage thing?
You mean the Supreme Court ruling?
No, I mean how after you get married it's always the same sex.

 

You may have won the last round on gay marriage, but it just energized the base and now they'll come out in force to vote in favor of the constitutional amendment.
It will be a wedge issue that will mobilize Republicans and religious Democrats alike.
Rallying against gay marriage didn't prevent $4 per gallon gasoline, the collapse of the housing and credit market, or an unjustified war that we can't get out of.
But think how much worse it could have been if we hadnt.

 

When I was in fifth grade, my teacher's boyfriend was a cop. He would sometimes come in and talk about working in the county jail.
One thing I remember vividly was how he said he and the other deputies would look the other way when the prisoners would have sex in the showers.
If he was trying to scare us straight, it didn't work.

 

Have you noticed the sewer gas odor everywhere?
No.
It's faint, but I definitely smell shit on every corner.
It's probably just pheromones.

 

The proposition to outlaw gay marriage qualified for the California ballot.
A constitutional amendment banning gay marriage won't lower taxes, it won't improve the economy, it won't get us out of Iraq...
It won't lower crime, it won't stop global warming, it won't improve schools, it won't save homes from foreclosure, it won't cure cancer.
You know what it will do?
Keep guys like you from marrying dudes?

 

I need to find a new job.
Why dont you go work at the Vienna sausage factory?
Why?
You've packed more tiny wieners into cans than Hormel.

 

It's been forever since I even wanted to hook up with some guy.
I guess it's because I'm usually so full of myself.
I don't think you're particularly arrogant.
No, I mean I can suck my own dick.

 

I just gave away my old mattress on craigslist.
Why didn't you try to sell it?
Free is the going rate for a used mattress in a gay neighborhood.

 

My wife dragged me to see the Sex in the City movie. There weren't many guys there.
When the lights came up, only three people looked like me.
Those were lesbians.

 

Did you hear about the boycott of McDonald's over their position on gay rights?
I say fuck them.
Our community shouldn't support anything that makes you fat.
No, they support gay causes--the American Family Association is boycotting them over that.
Now I'm torn.

 

All your test results are great, but I do have a concern.
Your pulse and blood pressure are on the high side.
Do you know what might be causing that?
He's cute and rich.

 

Weren't you doing that guy over there for a while?
Yeah.
He looks kinda black.
His dad was half.
What do you call a gay, mixed-race guy?
Barack Obottom.

 

Remember in college when we lived in London and how on your last night there was a hot blonde chick in your bed?
Yeah.
And you wanted to sleep, but she wouldn't get out, so you stuck your shoes over her face until she left.
Yeah.
That's when I knew.

 

Can I help you find something?
Yes, I'd like to speak with the manager.
Is there some sort of problem?
I'll say.
What is it?
You're too old and ugly to be working at Banana Republic.

 

My girlfriend and I are getting married in October.
After all these years of shacking up, we're finally making honest women of each other.
I think you'll still be living in sin, though.

 

What do you think of the Pride Festival?
The festival is nice because gay and straight people from all walks of life can have fun and celebrate acceptance together.
I just wish we didn't have big, flamboyant parades that reinforce negative stereotypes.
I sucked some guy's cock in an intersection.

 

Would you ever go on a cruise?
I got invited to go on one once.
What happened?
I said, "Why would I want to sail to some dirty city surrounded by bears who feed on trash?"
Anchorage?
San Francisco.

 

Excuse me, I'm from out of town--where's a good beach to visit?
There's Pacific Beach, Mission Beach, or Windansea, but I think you'll like Black's Beach.
Why Blacks?
It's quiet, clean, secluded, and that's where all the gays go.
What made you think I'm gay?
You remind me of my last boyfriend.

 

I can't believe we both waited for over three hours to buy the new iPhone.
Well, we gays are early adopters of everything.
Except children.

 

Tell me your deepest, darkest secret.
I have Tony Orlando & Dawn's Knock Three Times playing in high rotation on my iPod.
I have no idea who that is.
This is why I date younger guys.

 

Would you ever pull a Lewinsky?
You mean blow the president?
Yeah.
That would be unconstitutional.
There's a law against giving the president a hummer?
No, but he can't be president until he's over 35.

 

Cyclists are like yellow labradors on a walk.
When they pass, they check each other out, then make some sort of nod or gesture that says, "Hey, you're a cyclist, I'm a cyclist too."
Admit it, you just want to sniff their butts.

 

Would you ever pull a Lewinsky?
You mean blow a sitting president?
He could be standing.

 

Oh, sweet. A high school principal was publically rebuked in court for punishing kids he thought were gay or supported gay rights.
"Davis embarked on what can only be characterized as a 'witch hunt' to identify students who were homosexual and their supporters, further adding fuel to the fire," said Judge Richard Smoak.
He sounds like my kind of judge.
Heh. Dick Smoak.

 

I went so long without jerking off in Iraq that I had a wet dream.
Another reason to bring the troops home.
Yeah, do you have any idea how difficult it is to discretely masturbate in a tent full of guys?
I suppose you do.

Showing page 12.

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