All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
8-23-04
i have decided to take you with me on my missions from now on.
what do you mean?
even though, or perhaps because you hate human beings, i think you're the best friend an undercover operative can have.
ha. coming from you there has got to be a catch. what's in it for me?
who cares. you're a frickin' pet.
ok. for a minute there i thought you had gone soft.

 

by Cobb
8-23-04
i don't see what difference it makes whether he was in vietnam or cambodia. he was fighting for his country.
he didn't know where he was. he probably didn't even know who to shoot at.
yeah right, like he was fragging his own men. you're dreaming.
well, he did say that he was a war criminal..
what a hypocrite, you wear fatigues. when did you ever serve in the military?
you're not the boss of me.

 

by Cobb
8-23-04
can you believe what chris matthews said to michelle malkin?
how dare he!
no seriously, he faulted her for talking about facts in a book he hadn't even read.
what was the name of the book?
hold on, let me google it up.
and you're voting for who this year?

 

by Cobb
9-02-04
did you watch zell miller speak last night?
oh man that was great!
what was your favorite part?
oh, no question: spitballs!
i don't think the term has ever been used at a political convention before.
you should have heard the words that dick cheney suggested.

 

by Cobb
9-08-04
terrorist attacks are like earthquakes. you never know when they might strike, so you can't let them bother you.
you know. don't be anxious all the time, you can't stop them. just tie things down.
ok. how's this? terrorist attacks are like peanut butter. as long as you've got milk, you're ok.
now i get it.

 

by Cobb
9-08-04
i've decided to be fearless in the face of terrorism.
that's admirable.
no matter what terrorists do, they won't make me blink. i cannot be intimidated.
wow. you've really grown a spine.
well, actually i've grown some hydroponic maui wowie.
ahh. so you're going to be senseless in the face of terrorism.

 

by Cobb
9-09-04
i upgraded to XP SP2 and nothing has gone wrong yet.
what were you expecting?
i dunno. everybody in the linux club kept ragging me about it.
what is it with linux vs microsoft. don't these people have lives?
remember when you were dating the white chick?
say no more.

 

by Cobb
9-10-04
..an operative's work is never done. how long have we been in this godforsaken place?
my species has been here about 200,000 years. but this place only became godforsaken about 20,000 years ago when you humans showed up.
ha ha. i mean darfur. how long have we been in sudan?
weeks, months. what difference does it make?
it's official now. colin powell said it's genocide. it's about time.
yeah whatever. don't they have any serious ordnance around here? i was hoping for more explosions. we need weapons of mass destruction!

 

by Cobb
9-10-04
it doesn't matter that there are no wmds. this is a genuine genocide here.
it's not really as entertaining as i thought it would be. i mean militiamen on camels?
i take it this genocide is not to your liking?
you promised me adventure, half the time it's just starvation. you know how boring it is to watch people die of starvation?
i don't get where you're going with this..
look. is the 6th fleet coming or not? i want to see some serious bombing.

 

by Cobb
9-10-04
i'm sorry to disappoint you but the 6th fleet is not coming to sudan. it's not that strategic.
well make something up! it doesn't take much to fool colin powell. use your imagination.
make something up?
yeah. something snappy that george w. bush can pronounce. alliance of satan or something.
just so you can see a war up close and personal.
honestly, don't cruise missles give you a woody?

 

by Cobb
9-10-04
breaking news, the president and ceo of this company channel three news has been forced to resign.
the cause is a recently discovered memo from his kindergarten teacher revealing him to be the class poopypants.
there is no word on an apparent successor but in related news, scientists are hard at work trying to clone cells from the shroud of turin.

 

by Cobb
9-15-04
today's the big day.
actually it was monday.
no way! am i too late?
i'm afraid so. there are no more left at the local dealer. the local militia cleaned them out.
but i have been waiting seven years to buy an ak-47 and an uzi.
ask around. i'm sure some ex-con can hook you up.

 

by Cobb
9-16-04
did you hear about the tramp who got fired in washington for blogging about her sex life?
it's hard to believe some women are so stupid.
of course the men kept their jobs.
it's a cruel world. what do you suppose we do about it?
vote for kerry!
are we women supposed to like kerry?

 

by Cobb
9-16-04
it sure is boring up here.
yeah i know. when are we off our probation?
next friday. do you know how long it has been since i've done an anal probe?
just about as long as it has been since i did a crop circle.
what's the first thing you're going to do?
hurricanes are big right now. definitely a hurricane.

 

by Cobb
9-16-04
i'm thinking that when i get off probation i'm going to do something really spectacular.
i don't know. people seem to only care about little things these days. big phenomena are passe.
how about a massive starvation? depletion of the ozone? species extinction?
nope. boring. who cares?
what will get me headlines?
try memo forgery.

 

by Cobb
9-20-04
you know, now that you mention it, kerry hasn't talked much about women.
yeah. it's like all he thinks about is the war.
and he didn't even start it. he just wants to play war games with bush.
like his war was bigger than bush's war.
ya think?
we really have to change the dialog here.

 

by Cobb
9-20-04
maybe kerry got edwards onto the ticket thinking women would go for the smile.
hmm. republicans tried that with dan quayle.
yeah but marilyn was so ugly everybody thought they had a chance.
i see your point. still, he turned out to be no prize.
i bet edwards can spell potato.
i bet cheney owns the patent on genetically modified potatoes.

 

by Cobb
9-20-04
apparently, the cambodians are winning a disproportionate share of medals at the paralympics.
cambodians?
yeah. remember pol pot and the killing fields?
is this some kind of vietnam reference? because if it's about kerry i don't want to hear it.
no. it's just that these poor disabled kids are finally getting their due.
well, i don't feel guilty about it. ok? *you* move on.

 

by Cobb
9-20-04
everything's not about presidential politics you know. sometimes people just want to talk.
hmm. so now you're angling for the 'talking demographic'?
no. it's just me talking to you.
bipartisanship? we do bipartisanship too.
you're hopeless.
perhaps, but kerry is more hopeless than bush.

 

by Cobb
9-29-04
what are your issues for the election?
what do you think? it's all about the war. bush has got to go.
but we won the war.
we didn't win it the right way and we're losing the occupation.
but it's not over. what if it gets better?
would you move to haiti on the promise that it could get better?

 

by Cobb
9-30-04
i don't see how you can do it.
do what?
you have been reading and blogging every issue related to or tangential to the war in iraq ever since the beginning.
it's true. and the more i pay attention, the more reasons i have to be disgusted.
so why don't you just turn off the computer?
can't you see how morally superior this makes me?

 

by Cobb
9-30-04
all the journalists are afraid to go to baghdad, but they're too bored by sudan to come here.
you think maybe i should escalate the violence?
yeah. they all seem to like to report on improvised explosive devices. maybe a car bomb at an elementary school.
uh. i've got a problem with that.
you going soft on me?
no. there's just no cars around here, and nobody goes to school.

 

by Cobb
10-07-04
do you realize how hard it has been to get greasy food lately?
you've already been supersized, i thought you'd appreciate the trend.
i hate it. i spit on atkins' grave.
i didn't realize that it affected you so much.
what would you know? you still weigh less than 200 pounds. it's different on this side of the scale.
so i guess this means class warfare.

 

by Cobb
10-08-04
man are you rusty.
yeah, i didn't realize how that probation period messed with my skills.
you ought to try again.
no way. i'm done with volcanoes. i've got to move on.
don't feel so bad about it. the first time you blew the whole top off.
maybe a few crop circles will buck me up.

 

by Cobb
10-09-04
i don't understand why george bush won't apologize.
you're right. he was so wrong about the war. he ought to just fess up.
it's like he can't admit to making any mistakes.
everybody makes mistakes.
yeah. i supported howard dean. i'm willing to admit that was a mistake.
and i supported omarosa on 'the apprentice'. that was clearly a mistake.

 

by Cobb
10-09-04
your support of omarosa was a tiny mistake compared to bush's mistake.
that doesn't make me feel any better.
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
well, now that you apologize i feel a lot better. thanks.
see? if people were as thoughtful and caring as we are, politics wouldn't be so ugly.
you're probably right. now i actually feel bad about supporting omarosa.

 

by Cobb
10-12-04
how are you feeling?
i'm ok, why?
oh, i don't know. well, it was dick cheney who reminded me - by not knowing - that black women are in an aids epidemic.
well, i got tested before we started seeing each other. didn't you?
uhm, well...
i'm going to kill you, if you don't kill me first.

 

by Cobb
10-15-04
have you heard the latest news?
what's that?
there's a new law in electronic banking that will allow paper checks to be cleared almost as fast as credit cards.
what? you mean i can't float checks over the weekend?
not any more. no more monday deposits to save your bacon.
the only thing i can possibly gain from this is that it was passed under the bush administration.

 

by Cobb
10-21-04
well i hope you're satisfied with yourself.
yes i am.
so you gave them the pennant. will the red sox go all the way?
i'm not saying. i want everyone to enjoy the drama. if i tell, then people will go back to listening to kerry & bush.
aw, you can tell me.
you really don't realize this comic's circulation, do you?

 

by Cobb
10-30-04
hey good work there with the red sox.
thanks.
even though..
what now?
you didn't have to be so obvious.
hey, i thought the lunar eclipse was a nice touch.

 

by Cobb
10-30-04
i'm thinking of going down to the planet this weekend. all fun - no work.
hoo boy.
c'mon, it's halloween and election season. nobody's going to know. you should come with. we'll do some abductions, it'll be fun.
i would but i really have to drop some things off on titan before the new probe gets too close.
you're not half as fun as you used to be.
yeah? well i'll tell you. it's 380 tons of explosives.

 

by Cobb
11-01-04
you look pretty confident about a bush victory.
you said it, but you should be prepared for some ugliness.
ugliness?
when bush wins, the shit will literally fly.
literally?
yes. because all of the kerry supporters will have to pull their heads out of their asses.

 

by Cobb
11-02-04
you realize of course that kerry could win.
not in a million years. americans are too smart to let that happen.
do you realize what you just said?
yeah and i don't need you to remind me.
how many americans do you think are idiots who vote?
i better go get my shotgun loaded.

 

by Cobb
11-02-04
..and that's the election news update for 5 o'clock.

 

by Cobb
11-04-04
still investigating vote fraud?
just because kerry conceded doesn't mean it's over.
duh, that's precisely what it means.
but this cannot be. there have got to be uncounted ballots somewhere that puts kerry in the lead.
i regret to inform you that old europe gets no electoral votes.
we need a constitutional amendment.

 

by Cobb
11-05-04
i think this has been the most humiliating period in my life. first howard dean fails, then john kerry.
we talked about jobs, health care, education, peace. they still don't get it.
we covered all of the issues. what else is there to talk about?
hell if i know. jesus maybe?
yeah. i think that's it. they talk a lot about jesus.
you think maybe this is actually a christian nation after all?

 

by Cobb
11-05-04
i supported howard dean because i believed in his ideas, but i gave him up because everybody said kerry was 'electable'.
wow!
damn!
shit!
fuck!
ye-argh!

 

by Cobb
11-05-04
i've come to realize that we really broke up because i wasn't willing to talk about jesus.
are you trying to get back with me?
you hate gays because you're a republican and all republicans are christians and this is a christian nation.
i'm not sure i understand where this is going.
and that's why you all voted for bush, right?
this isn't really about us, is it?

 

by Cobb
11-10-04
well of course it's aids, they just won't talk about it.
now that i think about it, it makes sense.
arab men are very secretive about such matters.
the idea that arafat was gay just completely blows my mind.
he might be homosexual, but i'd hardly call him 'gay'.
could i call him 'arafag'?

 

by Cobb
11-10-04
police are on the lookout for a man who robbed first fundamentalist bank today.
the gunman apparently held up the bank by threatening the lives of a dozen hostages.
the suspect is described as a middle aged white male with a large test tube full of embryonic stem cells.

 

by Cobb
11-12-04
you've been playing halo2 for 4 days straight.
c'mon give me a break. this is the biggest media event in history. it's bigger than spiderman2.
but you have no idea what's going on in the real world.
hey, i'm hanging out with 16 real people in the online rumble pit.
ashcroft resigned. arafat is dead.
ok, which clan were they in?

 

by Cobb
11-19-04
are you still playing halo2?
are you still not?
kmart just bought sears. marines ran roughshod over falluja and gwbush was nice to bill clinton.
yeah yeah
a meteor crashed into texas, killed 2 million people and left a hole one mile deep.
good thing the power is still on.

 

by Cobb
11-19-04
how can you stand not to be in falluja where all the action is?
you're projecting.
yes it's true. i mean, 1200 kills! that's what i'm talking about.
my orders are to remain in sudan until further notice. i don't need you're amatuer assessments.
you realize that your old handler at the cia has resigned. we could zoom over there in all the confusion. who'd notice?
forget it. and if you keep it up, i'm going to turn off fox news and make you watch pbs.

 

by Cobb
11-21-04
can you believe what they're saying about condi rice?
they're saying that she doesn't have an original thought in her head, that she's just a parrot of george bush.
if they can do that to her, think what they can do to us!
funny, that's exactly what your boyfriend said.

 

by Cobb
11-23-04
you!
whuddup nigga?
i thought i told you to stay out of my neighborhood.
pshh. i wasn't tryin' to hear dat. but i wuz just keepin' it real in the animal kingdom. bored wid dat shiznit. now i'm back wit the jawhns. so did you check my boy artest?
i really don't want to have this conversation.
uh huh. just as i thought. you still got rice in your colin. nigga when you gonna get real?

 

by Cobb
11-23-04
i don't get you. what are you supposed to represent anyway?
i'm a rat nigga! don't you get it? i am the underground element. i am the universal symbol of the oppressed. i define ghetto. i am as real as it gets.
and you are pestering me because..
because i'm a pest, fool. that's what i do. yo, you got some scraps? help a brotha out.
please, you are an american rat. in other words, you make out like a fat rat. besides, you look like a mouse to me.
damn. you catch on quick.

 

by Cobb
11-23-04
i am just so shocked at what happened at that basketball game. what is wrong with america today?
oh come on, you don't even watch basketball. why should you care?
because it's so violent. these athletes are setting a horrible example. we really need to put a stop to it.
it's not as if the guy committed some horrible crime. give him a break.
still. it's so horrifying to me, there must be some extra punishment he should get to send a message.
you know there's a word for that. it's called lynching.

 

by Cobb
11-23-04
dan rather announced his retirement this week.
obviously if you're watching me, you don't really care.
my real competition is john stewart.

 

by Cobb
12-02-04
so you represent the ghetto and oppression.
word booty.
you sound like a bad black stereotype.
actually, i am a rat and rats cannot speak. this conversation is only going on in your mind. my 'voice' has everything to do with your imagination.
so you're saying that i'm projecting bad black ghetto stereotypes onto you because of what you represent.
i'm actually surprised that you know that much slang.

 

by Cobb
12-02-04
so why are you here?
every neighborhood has rats, fool. why do you think i wouldn't be here?
yeah ok but why me?
you know damn well, nigga. you got too cocky, and i am your plague.
so you represent divine retribution too?
only in the red states.

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