All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
9-08-10
This hurts me more than it does you!
Oh spare me, please.
I'd trade places with you if I could!
Would you shut the fuck up please?
Man... why are you being such a bitch?!!
I don't know... I guess I just woke up on the wrong bar of the cross.

 

by bigworm
9-10-10
See here? I just use the joystick to make her do anything I want.
Now I'm gonna' make her walk over to the dude, and.....uh, unzip his pants, and uh... pull his dick out. Now I'll make her suck him off. Cool huh?
Hey... are you even hearing me?

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
ATTENTION PLEASE!!! WILL THE TWO NEW TWIN CHOIR-BOYS REPORT TO THE PARISH RECTORY A.S.A.P., FOR SOME 'CATCH-UP COMMUNION'.
Huh?
What's goin' on anyway?
I don't know... you think he's one of those pedophile priests?
Well... if he is, I wish he'd just act normal about it.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
What do you mean you wish he'd just "...act normal about it."
I mean all that kind of stuff should be done at the altar, shouldn't it?
Yeh... I guess you're right.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
Wow... I've never been in a queer church before.
How do you know it's a 'queer church'?
'Cus of the stained cotton-puff window.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
The motherfucker was wearing my bathrobe!
?!!

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
What should we do if the fake monk shows up again?
Give him the Buddha koan.
I'm tired of that fucking koan.
Me too brother! But we're monks. We dispense wisdom.
But it's the same old wisdom... day after fucking day!
That's why it's free.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
Hello Brother Monk. How are you doing today?
I'm fine Brother Monk. How are you doing today?
I'm fine too. Tell me... what would you do if you were to meet Buddha on the road?
What would you do?
I would kill him... of course.
Me too!

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
I saw the fake monk again. I gave him the Buddha koan.
Did he give the correct answer?
Yes... sort of.
What the hell does that mean?!!
He answered it correctly... after hearing the correct answer.
Report to the Temple at 0600. I am going to club the shit out of you.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
Should I have a bowel movement before you club the shit out of me?
What kind of stupid question is that?
A new koan?
There will be an additional clubbing at 0700.

 

by bigworm
9-22-10
I have a new koan for you.
Okay.
Just a minute while I remember it.
Okay.
Should you have a bowel movement before or after Buddha beats the shit out of you, when you meet him on the road?
Did you just make that shit up?

 

by bigworm
9-23-10
Gootchy goo... got some bedbugs for me? Gootchy gootchy goo?
Sorry, no time to suck bugs tonight... I got shit to do!
I thought I was the shit...

 

by bigworm
9-23-10
The fake monk has tricked you several times. You have made us look very bad.
It only appears that way. By divesting myself of my naivete, my wisdom will overcome his cleverness.
Honestly...
Yes, honestly!
No, honestly... you come up with some of the dumbest shit I ever heard.

 

by bigworm
9-23-10
So, what are we going to do about the fake monk?
You are to do nothing more. I will handle this situation. I will have it under control very soon.
Sure you will! You know less about the fake monk than I do.
Really...
Yes, really.
No... really, I can handle him. I sold used rickshaws for 20 years before becoming a monk.

 

by bigworm
9-23-10
So, we meet again, eh brother monk?
We have never met before, and don't call me brother.
Whatever you say... sister.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but...
Chink!
Cunt!

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
People are such idiots. They worship my rotten carcass, proffer their rotten coin, console themselves with rotten grape juice, suck their rotten genitals...
...I guess the grape juice and genital sucking isn't so bad.
But then they go on to create horribly foul and horrendously large bodies of putrid, gut-gagging, intestinal tract worm tweaking, puke spewing sewage...
...of course that was the shit I walked on.
Okay now everybody... LISTEN UP! I got some spiritual doctrine for you! You are saved through faith, transference of coin, gifting of grape juice, calling sewage 'water', and praying on bended knee...
...a.k.a. blowjobs.

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
HSBC boss Stephen Green is leaving. He should shoot himself, he's a lousy fucking crook who's been (with impunity), stealing people's money for years, including some of mine.
HSBC is the bank which finances credit purchaces from 'Best Buy'. I made a credit purchase from 'Best Buy' with these conditions... "NO FEES, NO INTEREST, SAME AS CASH IF PAID WITHIN 18 MONTHS".
What a FUCKING LIE that was! Fees were charged immediately! It was then unilaterally changed to an interest bearing account within 6 months. A couple of months later they told me...
...they were going to raise the interest rate unless I called them to say that I disagreed. So I called them to say that I disagreed.
The penalty for disagreement was termination of my card-user privileges. That really hurt!
I was so looking forward to being butt-fucked by them again.

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
Can I take my mom's body outta here soon?
Soon, but not until after...
...the "Necromancy Club" has a go at her.
For God's sake man, the bitch is fucking DEAD!
Hey! Try to show some respect, will ya'?

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
Bend over bitch! I'm gonna' reap you 'till your asshole's all puckered and raw!
Do you mean 'rape' me?
You mean there's a difference?
Hell yes there's a difference! 'Rape' means to have sex with another against their will. 'Reap' means to take in death.
I guess I'll try the rape instead.
Oh Lord!

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
I wasn't saying you should rape me instead of reap me, I was just...
Don't worry about it, today I'll just rape you 'till your asshole's all puckered and raw...
...then, after you've recovered, but still wish you were dead, I'll come back...
...and reap you 'till your asshole's all puckered and raw.

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
Is there any way possible for me to have a say in the way things go?
You know what? There is. You taught me the difference between 'reap' and 'rape'. This allowed me to understand why nobody ever squealed when I was reaping them. I owe you. Speak your piece.
This whole thing, your sudden appearance in my life... it's kind of overwhelming. Is there any way I can have more time, to get used to what I now know is coming?
Sure baby, you can suck my penis all you want.

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
Yer junk...
Fine...
Yer junk man!
Call me what you will.
No man... yer junk... it's showin'...
Sorry man... my bad.

 

by bigworm
9-24-10
Don't feel bad bro'! You can show yer junk to me any ol' day!
So you're a homo, eh?
You should know muthafucka'!
Don't get quippy with me you cheese face, gutter-cum slurpin', twinky cheeked, broke back mountain gorilla poop smudge!
Well then... how about... as the good Lord hath ordained?!
So, you be likin' on my junk huh?

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
I guess fellatio isn't what you had in mind. I'm not even sure what my own objective is anymore, or even what to call myself. I think you've enchanted me.
Why don't we figure out who you are and what you're objective is after we get you cleaned up a bit... wash that robe, comb your hair maybe.
But... then you'll see what I really look like, and that's never supposed to happen. That violates G.R. Code of Conduct sec.233 uhh...
Stop already, I won't be telling on you.
Well... okay, but we'll have to turn the lights off. I guess I'm a little shy.
I'm only gonna' turn the lights out if you promise not to poke me with your long pointy thing... tee hee, tee hee.

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
I'm gonna' get out of my duds in the bathroom. You can go ahead and take your stuff off out here.
Okay.
*whuff whuff...* oof... ahhh, whew!
I'm ready baby!

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
Turn around, 'cus I'm gonna' turn the lights on.
I ain't gonna' look baby...
Can I look yet baby?
Not yet sweetie pie! First tell me again what you wanna' do to me.
I'm gonna' rape you, then I'm gonna' reap you 'till yer butt-hole's all puckered and raw! Then I'll quit my lousy job and maybe we can get married baby. Can I look now baby?

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
I don't get it. I'm made out of snow... that's tangible at least. You're 100% figment, and yet you have credibility with millions.
The fact that I have no substance... mandates that each person creates their own unseeable 'me'. Therein lies my power.
Plus I don't have a big carrot-cock in the middle of my face.

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
Hey Buddha, it's just me. I'm having a hard time with the fake monk. He's a very offensive guy.
He called me a 'chink'!
WTF?!!!
You ARE a 'chink'!

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
But listen Buddha, I called him a 'cunt'.
You did?
Yeh.
Wowee! Ha ha ha ha...Ouch! Ha ha ha ha... Ooooeeee!!!

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
C'mon baby... suck on it!
Have you changed since I met you?
C'mon sugar-pie... suck on it just a little bit?
Is that all you want from our relationship?
If you don't suck on it now, you'll never never never know me... ooooh.
OMG!!! Are you gonna' write a song about it?

 

by bigworm
9-25-10
It's not what you think!
I can smell your hand from here!!!
I didn't do it on purpose!
If you ever dig shit out of my ass again while I'm asleep... I'll KILL YOU!!!

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
Cher, there's been some speculation about your attire for this evening's performance.
No surprises... I'm gonna' be a hot whore in a 4" ger-strap!
What exactly is a 4" ger-strap?
It's an adjustable width, geriatric g-string, that tastefully accomodates...
...the natural widening of the ass crack.

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
Cher, your remarks regarding what you'll be wearing for this evenings performance are nothing less than scandalous. Are we to believe that your ass-crack is 4" wide?
Is this what you guys call 'investigative' reporting?
Sure... I guess you could call it that?
Just lemme' know ahead of time.
Regarding...?
When you're gonna' pull my panties down.

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
To all my viewers... I have no intention of pulling Cher's panties down.
And likewise viewers... I had no intention of letting him pull my panties down...
...for free.

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
Live it up BITCH!!!
OMG!!! The doorman's killin' 'em left and right!
I told you already punk!!! Leave your body and soul at the door!"
Owwww! Motherfucker!!!
Sorry dude!!! I didn't recognize you in the dark! Here... have a couple of free tickets to the 'Born Again Bash' on Easter Day.
Free tickets?!! I'm hostin' that party man! Get me a wine cooler and some smokes, and we'll call it even.

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
KILL MEEE...!!! OVER AND OVER!!! FOREVER AND EVERRR!!!
ADORE ME AND WORSHIP ME!!! (ENDLESSLY WORKS BEST FOR ME!!!)
AND LAST... BUT FAR FROM LEAST!!!
Ya'll have to eat me once a week!

 

by bigworm
9-26-10
So...Buddha, you think I hurt the fake monk real bad by calling him a cunt?
Hell yeh! It hurt me so bad... I can't even describe it!!!
What the...?
?!?
Is that...?
Calm down motherfucker!!! Buddha was just pullin' yer leg!

 

by bigworm
9-27-10
Yes, I'd like 1 adult ticket for the 'Dead Man's Party' please.
I'm sorry sir, but you have to be dead to get in.
C'mon... cut me a little slack! Can't you see who I am? Look... aaarrrggggghhhh!!! There, now I'm dead... see?
SECURITY TO THE FRONT!!!
Oh! Please excuse me sir, my bad... I thought this was a 'costume ball'!

 

by bigworm
9-27-10
Son... do you see that really bright shining star up there near the Big Dipper?
Yeh, I see it?
Well I've picked that to be my home after I die. That will be my domain and reward for having lived the life of a righteous Mormon man.
But dad... that's a 'star', not a 'planet'! We're rewarded with 'planets'... not 'stars'!
I'm gonna' remodel it!

 

by bigworm
9-27-10
1981
Baby... quick!!! I need you to do me a favor right away! It's very important that you don't stall or ask any questions! I just need you to trust me and do what I tell you to do!!! This is 'URGENT'!!!
Oh God!!! Is this your latest attempt to get me to suck your dick?
Please baby! I ain't had a spiritual experience since I slipped Phreaky a 'roofie' and banged her on the beach in front of all those kids!
I'll tell you what... I'll suck your fuckin' dick when they... uh... ummm...when they... uhhh... when they tear down the 'Berlin Wall'! How 'bout that?
1989
"Today's top story- the 'Berlin Wall' is coming down!"
That's right baby, now suck it!!! Ooohh yeh... that's it baby... just like that... oh yeh...

 

by bigworm
9-27-10
Good God soldier... how long have you been trapped in this woman's cunt?
Close to 3 months sir! It's a living hell! There are others in here too... trapped in the folds... overcome by giant colonies of stinking yeast!
The Cavalry has been summoned soldier. They'll bring the others out. Jump on my horse before it grows weak, and I'll ride you out of here.
With all due respect sir, I can't leave.
Explain yourself soldier!!! You've just refused a direct order!
Sir! Yessir! She told me as soon as she can pull me out, she's gonna' stick me up her ass!!!

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
I can't believe this woman!!! Sticking toy soldiers up her cunt. This woman is an abominable bitch!
You don't know the half-of-it sir. There are things in here that I can't explain, but if you'll hide with me and sing a certain song, something unbelievable will happen!!!
Sir... shhhh, follow my lead... "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way." Now we'll just wait a moment...
"...jingle all the way." OMG soldier!!! Is that what I think it is?!!

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
As hard as it is to believe that this woman has an 'appearing-on-cue Snowman' up her cunt, I think it's safe to say that it has led us to the discovery of...
?
Don't you think one follows the other?!
Just because I'm cold doesn't mean I'm frigid!

 

Why have you come to this place?
I was wondering if I could borrow your arm, to stick up my ass, and think it was a big fat cock!
by bigworm, 9-28-10

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
WELCOME TO 'THE ROCK'S SCHOOL OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING'
Hey Rock! I've always wanted to be a pro wrestler!
You're a natural kid! We'll just add some bags under your eyes and call you 'The Punk'!
WELCOME TO 'THE ROCK'S SCHOOL OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING'
Honestly though, the fees are too stiff.
I hear ya'! For you... I'll knock 50% off if you sign up within the next 20 minutes!
WELCOME TO 'THE ROCK'S SCHOOL OF PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING'
Alright! Rock... enroll me!!!

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
I'll be back on my feet in 3 DAYS!!! Do you hear me?!! 3 DAYS!!!
Then I'll schedule you for a 2-day follow-up treatment.
Look... if all you want is to celebrate Easter twice a year... we can work it out.

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
Don't look so rejected! I told you I'd let you eat it on one condition.
C'mon...remember how stinky things got last time?
Yeh... okay.
I'll brush my teeth first.

 

I'll be damned if you don't still stink!
by bigworm, 9-28-10

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
I've been goin' to the gym...
...check it out.

 

by bigworm
9-28-10
All I remember was... I woke up, and you had wood.
So I rode it.

Showing page 12.

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