All comics by crabby

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by crabby
2-02-03
A man just killed his babysitter. I need to alert someone! MY MASTER!
Master we nee to stop an evi thoughtless man from killing again!
Lay off the exclamation points honky. The man did what was right for his child.
I need to find guidance perhaps a new master will do the trick!

 

by crabby
2-06-03
Son, I need to know. How did you know that your father didn't kill that man? How did you know it was only a JACK-O-LANTERN in the bathroom?
I planted that JACK-O-LANTERN so dad would think he raped and killed that man. Then he would slowly be driven insane with guilt. He went insane alot faster than I thought he would.
Ok.
I've always hated dad because he thought I was gay. I get teased enough at school for being a vampire. The last thing I need is a dick up my ass for the other kids to make fun of.
So your not gay?
No, I'm a young vampire trying to live in a human world. Now lets go kidnap an Indian guide and go find dad!

 

by crabby
2-06-03
Don't you understand I need your help! I'm wanted for murder but I could never kill I don't have it in me. I think someones framed me. I need to hide out here.
QUE!
DID YOU JUST CALL ME GAY? I'M NOT GAY I WOULD NEVER SLEEP WITH A MAN!
QUE!
I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!
QUE!

 

by crabby
2-06-03
Well here we are. Were should we start looking?
Mom, were to late. I can smell the stench of death. Let's go look together.
Oh god it's awful!
But...but...but this doesn't make sense. I have to go!
I should have known this is what we would find. JACK-O-LANTERN!

 

by crabby
2-12-03
Are you me or am I really drunk?
Actually you're me and I'm really drunk.
I feel so real.
Wait, are you playing with yourself? Is that why your hands are in your pocket? Maybe I am you and you're just really drunk.

 

by crabby
2-12-03
I am playing with myself but I've been staring at you the entire time. I no I'm not that vain so I must be you and you're really drunk.
Yeah, I guess I'm really vain.
I am really horny though.
Well, that changes everything.

 

by crabby
2-12-03
Ok, I'm thinking of a number 1 through 10. What is it?
4
No, 6. But I usually think of 4 I'm not sure why I didn't think 4. Maybe it's cause I'm really drunk.
8
Well it looks like you're wasted too.
10

 

by crabby
2-12-03
Oh god! I'll be right back I need to puke.
What did you do why I was gone.
What? I missed what you said I was in the other room puking.

 

by crabby
2-12-03
So I'm you?
Either that or I'm you.
You're not much help.
Speak for youself.
Apparently I am.
Cosmic.

 

by crabby
2-12-03
wake up.......
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Don't hurt yourself.
WAKE UP.............
You're going down dude.
I agree.
Whoa, you passed out. Crazy party huh?
I just met the seixest man! But he kept arguing with me.

 

by crabby
2-13-03
So I says, "These staplers I want aren't going to defend themselves. WE HAVE A PACT DAMN YOU!"
HAHAHA! I CORNHOLE YOU NOW! RARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
Cornholing? Wow you shocking new guys sure are shcoking. Can't you keep it down I'm trying to relax in my basement. Love, Coboy.
RAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!
WIRTHLING SUCKS!! RAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
2-13-03
So I killed my brother? So what. I've always been jealous of his figure and he doesn't know a word of English.
I'm lost. I'm torn between returning to my family and killing again.
I need guidance I need to visit my father. He can point me in the right direction.

 

by crabby
2-13-03
SON! Get the fuck away from me! What in the hell is your problem?
Dad do you not want me around because of all the killing I've been doing?
Son you dumb fuck! I'm a frankenstein and your mother is a vampire. Don't you realize what this means. It's almost a crescent moon get the fuck away from me.
I' don't know what you're talking about.....but I don't feel so good. OH GOD!
Great now you're a fucking werewolf!
Howl.

 

by crabby
2-13-03
Son I'm afraid your father is now a werewolf. We are going to need a silver bullet to kill him.
What makes you think he's a werewolf.
Crescent moon last night. Didn't you ever notice your grandfather is a frankenstein and your grandmother is a vampire? Didn't you take MUNSTERS 101 in school? THEY DON'T TEACH YOU KIDS ANYTHING!
Well lets go find some silver. We can just melt something down.
A teenage son should melt down into just enough metal.

 

by crabby
2-17-03
Can I please have your number.
(773) 907-8061
Thanks.
You gonna call me?
As soon as I finish shitting my pants.
Kinky!

 

by crabby
2-17-03
I'm really glad that snowstorm completely passed us over. I hope this lady didn't give me a bogus number.
Dial Dial Dial - Dial Dial Dial Dial
The number you have dialed has been disconnected apparently or I don't know.
Great! Now I have to shit my pants all by my lonesome.
May I consider finding new friends?

 

by crabby
2-17-03
Can I please have your number?
(773) 463-8949
Thanks.
Why did you want it.
QUIET! I'm shitting my pants.
ok

 

by crabby
2-17-03
First things first! Get yourself a haircut and respect your mother.
Can't this asshole tell I'm to cool for school?
Your not dressed as stylishly as you think. I'm going to walk away now.
He took it to far I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!
Walk away slowly like a hipster.
Hey you hipster doofus.

 

by crabby
2-19-03
Come with me ma'am I'll take you to your table.
Thank you.
30 Minutes later..........
How is your dinner going ma'am?
I have a fly in my soup!
I told you I'm not a fly I'm a bee.
Sir, I'm still going to have to ask you to leave.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Wait, you're not a werewolf anymore.
If you're an angry villager out for revenge from the havoc I caused while I was a werewolf I hope you understand I'm prepared to denfend myself with this hammer.
Don't you recognize me? Or does this metallic shell hide my true feelings for you?
Wait! Your true feelings? You're here with a robotic gun filled with several silver bullets. You're my wife aren't you. Strip off your metallic disguise and show yourself to me.
It was really hot it that thing.
I bet it was. You smell like the inside of a million assholes.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Wait, you're not a werewolf anymore.
If you're an angry villager out for revenge from the havoc I caused while I was a werewolf I hope you understand I'm prepared to denfend myself with this hammer.
Don't you recognize me? Or does this metallic shell hide my true feelings for you?
Wait! Your true feelings? You're here with a robotic gun filled with several silver bullets. You're my wife aren't you. Strip off your metallic disguise and show yourself to me.
It was really hot it that thing.
I bet it was. You smell like the inside of a million assholes.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
I need to know, did you kill those men.
Well, no I didn't. That was a pumpkin back home in the bathroom and my brother died of natural causes.
Then why was a pumpkin found instead of his body? Isn't that your killing card. People are calling you the Trick or Treat slayer.
My brother was a pumpkin harvester. After he died there was no food left except for pumpkins. Instead of eating said pumpkins I devoured him whole and replaced his body with a pumpkin.
Did you really have to carve a face into before you planted it as evidence?
YES! Now how's my son?

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Well in order to get enough silver to make the silver bullets to kill you I had to melt him down.
Damn your a stupid bitch. That violates this warranty. Now I won't be able to write that dirty android off on our taxes!
Maybe we could plan to have another child.
I told you when we got together. I'm impotent and can never produce an heir. I thought I had that little problem taken care of until you melted him down.
Well, honey............I'm pregnant. My period is three weeks late.
I've been on the run from the law for over 12 weeks. Hold on a second I need to crunch some numbers over here.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Maybe that balding record executive was right. Maybe I'll never get ahead due to my canadian heritage.
Perhaps I could somehow get rid of all my candian blood. A blood transfusion of some sort perhaps?
I'm going to consult Canada's most brillant mind to help me solve this problem.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Howie Mandel! I need your help I have a serious problem.
ok.
I'm never going to get ahead in life due to being Canadian. I need to purify my body of all its canadian blood.
Rick Moranis sold me a time machine maybe you can pin point the exact moment your family decided to move to canada and then convince them not to.
Why didn't you use that time machine to help further your own career?
I did.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
ok. Step in and prepare to travel through time.
Seriously you should have done alot better job of working on your career through time travel.
Just get in the fucking machine.
Seriously though a rubber glove on your head is that the best you could come up with?

 

by crabby
2-20-03
Grandpappy! Don't leave Switzerland to move to Canada you're going to kill my career!
eh.................
Seriously everyone hates me because I'm canadian. Please don't move to Canada.
eh....................
You'll fuck up my career you dumb fuck! Don't move to Canada.
ok. I stay here in Switzerland.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
"Everything i Dooooo , i Do its for Yooooooooou"
Brilliant Bryan , Brilliant. I dont think ive ever heard you produce such a note perfect rendition of that song.
Well i dont know. I think i was a bit off key when i sang "All the Wayyyyy , yayyyy"
Nope. Didnt miss an octave. Theres only one thing that spoiled it for me.
And that was?
You're Swiss.

 

by crabby
2-20-03
I just don't get it. I've done everything I need to in order for the masses to like me. I'm not even Canadian anymore! Wait a second..............
I suck! When I was Canadian people hater me because I was Canadian but now I'm Swiss and everyone hates me because I'm Swiss. That's just a way to tell me I suck without coming right out and saying it
Well, at least I'm not Canadian anymore.

 

by crabby
2-24-03
I WISH SOMEONE WOULD CHANGE THOSE DAMN DEFAULT CHARACTERS!
THAT'S BETTER.

 

by crabby
2-27-03
9 months later........
I finished building the crib like you asked me too.
Actually I told you this baby wasn't your's and asked you to leave.
Is that was these divorce papers were all about?
Yes.
For a pregnant bitch your not gaining much weight.
Cyborgs don't need much room to develop in the room and you don't retain as much water.

 

by crabby
2-27-03
Can I at least keep the crib.
I'd rather you didn't
I can't believe you were ler our vampire cyborg son fuck you.
You're the one who order him that latin lover programming!
That was for my pleasure not yours!
Freak.

 

by crabby
2-27-03
YOU KILLED ME INSIDE! I'M GONNA PUT THIS NAIL IN MY HEAD!
You know that's what made me fall in love with you please don't.
BLAH!
The baby is here.
You're beautiful!
I'm the man!

 

by crabby
2-28-03
OH NO! That guy I gave herpes to is heading this way. I need to change.
Excuse me, did you give me herpes last Tuesday?
No. You must have me confused with someone else. My anus isn't bleeding.
My mistake.
SCROE!

 

by crabby
3-09-03
That glitch in time I created should allow me enough time to get away from the mind police.
What the fuck!
Doctor Moose you're under arrest for fucking with the very fabric of our existence.
Ok, now that I lost them it's time to get down to buisness.

 

by crabby
3-14-03
Whores love Beer

 

by crabby
4-03-03
My wife would kill me if she knew I was with analien.
Little does she know I don't live underwater!
I should just call for help. NO! That's what those elves want me to do.
If you're not embarassed of being gay why can't I meet your mother?
We're in jail.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
I'm just angry you won't admit it.
What's the big deal?
It's the principle I always admit it to you.
Get over it.
JUST ADMIT IT!
I farted.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
He killed her shortly after that.
Wow! Just for farting? How did he kill her?
Let me think......
Oh that's right.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
My pa said you have to give me my bull back.
MY FATHER BLEW UP MY HOUSE AND KILLED MY MOTHER! I'M EMOTIONALLY TROUBLED!
Please don't yell. My pa just thinks the trade we made wasn't fair.
Fine take your damn bull back. But you haven't heard the last from me.
Pa said to make sure I milked you before supper.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
So that stupid son of a bitch drank that bulls jizz.
Har! Har! Har!
Turns out the boys father was a hmosexual and was trying to get his son to crave the taste of man cum.
Har! Har! Har! Lets go get a bite to eat at that new revolving restaurant.
This reminds me of a cruise I went on with my first wife.
Now that's a story I wanna hear.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
So then I told my boss.....
OH MY GOD IS THAT YOUR BROTHER OUTSIDE THE BOAT?!?!?!?
No.
Remember that time your brother got fired from that job stocking various holiday decorations?

 

by crabby
4-25-03
You're Fired.
DUDE!
I thought Tim was meeting us here. Lets go to the party without him.
But he's our ride.

 

by crabby
4-25-03
I guess they're not coming.
Mom it looks like no one is going to show up for my birthday.
Well of course not. You're ugly and a huge dissapointment. In the end you're always a failure.

 

by crabby
5-05-03
Analien I'm afraid we can't see eachother anymore. I'm tired of going around behind my wife's back to be with you.
I can't let her no that I'm not what I seem.
So it's over.
Just come with me to my underwater lair and we'll talk this out.
Look I've known all along that you don't live underwater. We met at the unemployment office and you told me the first day you lived with your mother.
Yeah.......My mother underwater...........In my lair.

 

by crabby
5-05-03
How did this even happen. I was just out for a midnight cruise with Rudolph. He's never crashed before what was wrong with him.
Are you sure we don't need a rubber?
I told you baby, I'm totally clean.
That's it I'm just gonna call the damn elves.

 

by crabby
5-05-03
So then as soon as we

 

by crabby
5-05-03
So as soon as we get out I can meet your mother?
I didn't say that.
VERY LOUD!
He just exploded with rage.

 

by crabby
5-14-03

 

by crabby
5-20-03
No way! No daughter of mine is going to be running around with a Montague! That's final!
But Daddy I love him!
Well in that case it's ok with me.

Showing page 12.

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