All comics by russman

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by russman
3-12-18
So this is what you do on break every night?
What? Why aren't you out smoking?
I'm trying to quit. Or maybe I just wanted to hang out with my boyfriend.
You know, I never know if you're just fucking with me or not.
Yes you do.
What does that mean?

 

by russman
3-13-18
Oh God. Dez's stalker.
Hey Russ. Has Dez said anything about me to you.
What do you mean?
She showed me some texts from him. He threatened to kill himself if she didn't go out with him.
I noticed she's been hanging out with you on breaks. She used to come out and smoke with me.
She said something about quitting smoking.
She laughed and laughed. It's a turn on dating a mean girl.
Could you ask her if we are still cool.
You should write her a note and I'll pass it to her at lunch.

 

by russman
3-14-18
Got a new girl pulling for me at work.
I don't think that girl likes me very much.
Which one?
Seems like a nice kid.
That one over there. She keeps looking over here and she looks angry.
She's kind of an angry person. Don't pay any attention to her.
This place will chew her up and spit her out within a month.
I'm glad you don't like her either. I heard she is a bitch and a slut.
That's probably true. But since she is my girlfriend I'll introduce you two at lunch.

 

by russman
3-15-18
My boyfriend just texted me something so funny.
What did it say?
He said I'll come over in the morning. You fix french toast and sausage and then I'll give you sausage for dessert.
Wow. That is smooth.
What are you doing?
Writing that down. I can't wait to try that out on someone. I don't really like french toast. I may switch it to pancakes, do you think that would still work?

 

by russman
3-16-18
Looks like you're enjoying working with the new girl.
She's pretty nice. Easy to work with.
So nice is what you're looking for now.
You make it sound like a bad thing.
I guess I could be nice if that's what you want.
You know I wouldn't change a thing about you.

 

by russman
3-17-18
The hot girl at work is spending St. Patty's day with her family.
Hi. Would you like to buy me a drink?
Sorry. I just got one.
But that doesn't mean I can't go out and try to get lucky on my own.
I'm a little drunk. Could you give me a ride home.
You should call Uber.
I mean it's not like I'm in love or anything.
It's dead in here tonight. Might as well go home.

 

by russman
3-18-18
How you doing, Man? I saw that girl on your Facebook page. Looks like you're back in the game.
Things are looking up. But today it's all about just us guys getting drunk. Not chasing any girls today.
I can't promise that. You know how I am around pretty girls.
Awkward and slightly creepy?
But if I meet someone, I'm outta here.
I'm willing to take that risk.

 

by russman
3-19-18
Your sister called, she is setting up their next cruise. January 2020. She wants to know if you and Dez will go.
Mom, we've known each other for quite awhile, right?
All your life.
When have you ever known me to have the same girlfriend for two years?
She seems so nice. We were hoping this time would be different.
This one is so fragile I won't even ask her out for the weekend until Wednesday.

 

by russman
3-20-18
My sister wants us to go on a cruise with them in 2020.
What did you tell her.
That I didn't know if we would still be hanging out by then.
You planning on dumping me or something?
No..I mean..I just figured.
That's what I love about you. You are so cute when you're nervous.

 

by russman
3-21-18
So last night at work the hot girl said...wait, what are you doing here?
Oh I'm just so interested in hearing every detail of your boring sex life.
C'mon it's not that bad, is it?
No it's so great. But wait a minute I thought the point was to be funny.
So you think I should come up with another joke about foraging?
Or maybe something you haven't already done. But that might be asking a bit much.

 

by russman
3-22-18
Why does she do that, flaunting him right in front of me.
Who is she flaunting?
Look over there. Talking to that creep. I'm sure she's fucking him.
I doubt that. But even if she is. It really isn't any of our business.
I can't look anymore.
Why is she talking to that guy.

 

by russman
3-24-18
My niece reminds me of myself when I was her age.
Hey Bethy. Been awhile since we've hung out.
Everytime you get a girlfriend. You never have time to do anything.
I mean if I was 23 year old lesbian.
I know. But anyway, have you nailed that hot girl that works with you on the cut table yet.
Uncle Russ. I told you she lives with a guy. And you know I don't go for the pretty girl type.
She makes me proud.
Bethy.
All right. I felt her up in the restroom but that's as far as it goes.

 

by russman
3-25-18
I'm dating this really hot girl at work.
And how does that make you feel.
I feel scared becuse I'm sure that she'll dump me sooner or later.
That sounds like a reasonable expectation.
So you're saying I'm normal.
I'm saying that you don't seem to understand the purpose of the random comic layout.

 

by russman
3-26-18
We are going out to Easter dinner with your sister and brother-in-law. Plus your niece and her boyfriend and your other niece and her new girlfriend.
That sounds like more fun than people should be allowed to have.
I'm bringing your sister's dad, too.
My old step-dad. It can't get any better than that.
Oh but it can. I got into your phone while you were asleep. I called and asked Dezerae to come too. She said if you want her too, she will.
I'll be down in the basement. Do you know if that old chair and rope is still down there?

 

by russman
3-27-18
Got a nice call from your Mommy this morning.
I'm sorry about that. She took my phone while I was sleeping.
I thought it was cute. She invited me out to dinner with your family.
I know. Don't feel obligated, you don't have to go.
You know I'm going, I've already told all my Snapchat friends to be ready for the videos.
This is going to be so great.

 

by russman
3-28-18
I'm in a relationship with a great girl. Who is way out of my league.
Hi. I just started. They told me to come pull for you.
Great.
Yet I'm willing to risk throwing that away to flirt with a girl I know nothing about.
Why does that girl over there keep staring at us?
What girl?
But you only live once, right?
The blonde. She looks mad about something.
That's her normal look. Lets go get a coffee. It's on me.

 

by russman
3-31-18
Looks like you've been enjoying working with the new girl.
She's just a kid.
I've been watching the coffee breaks.
Yeah, well at least I haven't slept with half the guys in here.
You know, I really thought you were different.
I am different. I'm way more stupid.

 

by russman
4-02-18
The big Easter dinner that had Dez meeting my family for the first time came and went.
Dez, still really angry at me was super nice to my family while at the same time virtually ignoring me.
My family, super impressed that I was dating a girl that not only looked good but could carry on a conversation, regaled her with the most embarrassing tales of my life they could come up with.
I excused myself three times to use the bathroom, which luckily was right by the bar. The tequila shots made it almost bearable.

 

by russman
4-03-18
Had a brand new guy pulling for me last night.
What's the story on the hot blond over there.
I don't know. She's kind of moody.
Like every guy in the place. He immediately honed in on Dez.
I'm pretty good with the ladies. I'm gonna go for it.
Good luck with that.
This will either be funny. Or she'll sleep with him.
By the way. You getting any around here?
Nah, I just work here.

 

by russman
4-04-18
Had my worst night ever from a quality stand point at work last night.
We have an inside joke that every time we screw up we kill a baby.
I was up to a set of triplets when I quit counting. I like to think they are in a better place.

 

by russman
4-06-18
We just found out that our foreman put in her two week notice.
Lauren is quitting. I'm thinking about bidding on the position.
That's great. But your are so valuable on the floor, how could they make it without you.
They put up her position to bid on.
That is bullshit. They can't punish you for being good at your job.
I agree, this place sucks.
This is gonna be fine, right?
Wait a minute. You're going to bid on it, aren't you?
You gotta admit, I'm certainly not to valuable to lose.

 

by russman
4-07-18
My arm feels funny.
I'm ignoring you.
C'mon just shake my hand.
Are you gonna do that thing again.
I didn't even break the skin.
You left a mark.

 

by russman
4-08-18
What are we going to do about Stormy.
I told you nothing good would come from banging that whore.
That's not what you said when she smacked your ass with that magazine.
At least I didn't let that russian slut pee on me.
We can both agree we've found true love now.
Let's see the press try and come up with something negative about wanting to date your own daughter.

 

by russman
4-09-18
Another girl from work started Snapchatting me today.
I really tried to play along with it. She's sort of cute and not the kind I would normally ignore.
I mean it's not like I'm in love or anything. Right?

 

by russman
4-13-18
They had me training a new guy on the machines last night.
This ain't a bad job.
It could be a lot worse.
The boss told me I would be fine if I stayed away from the drama.
That's pretty good advice.
I ain't into that shit. Just here for the check. But what's up with that hot blonde over there.
That would be drama. Welcome to the team.

 

by russman
4-14-18
Who in the Hell was that?
Just some girl I met last night. It was late and I didn't have any other place to take her.
You've finally got a decent girl and you're gonna throw it away for some slut you met at the bar.
You know me, Mom. I'm as free as a bird and can't be chained.
I don't think I want to be around you today.
Yeah, I wish I didn't have to be either.

 

by russman
4-15-18
Thanks for coming. You ready to do some serious drinking?
Always, Dude. Ran into your mom at the store. She says you are pathetic.
Can't argue with that.
What did you do? Cheat on the best thing that ever happened to you?
More drinking, less talking.
You really are pathetic.

 

by russman
4-16-18
"Hey Jordan". "Yes Sir".
"Go ask that guy in the back of the restroom line if he's got a receipt".
"Why, Sir". "No reason, just makes me uneasy".

 

by russman
4-18-18
Hey Chief, How you doing?
Just great. What's up boss.
We've got good news for you. You're going to be a mentor on chaffing and cross strapping.
A trainer, that comes with a raise. Right?
No No. Not a trainer, that is management. A mentor, just kind of help the new people out. No raise but it looks good on the old resume.
That is good. Because I'm gonna need that old resume if I have to do extra work for the same money.

 

by russman
4-19-18
I saw you talking to Stacey, I'm sure she told you I went out with my old boyfriend.
She may have said something. Not really any of my business. It's not like we're engaged or anything.
Ok, as long as we're cool. You still coming over after work tomorrow.
Yeah sure. I guess so.
My chest hurts.

 

by russman
4-22-18
Did you have a good weekend? I never see you anymore.
It wasn't bad. Dez says hi.
I'm glad you two are still together. She is good for you.
Yeah it's great. She's dating her old boyfriend again too. The one with the money.
I've never known you to be one to back away from a challenge.
Oh, I never back away. But if you look at where my life is at, it's obvious I never win one either.

 

by russman
4-22-18
I hope you are proud of yourself. Letting your Mom think you spent the weekend with Dez.
I did go see her after work Friday. We got along pretty good.
If you call hearing about the old boyfriend and then being told that she doesn't remember the first time you slept together because you got her so drunk she blacked out good. Then sure.
Well
And don't get me started on that ugly slut you spent Saturday with. You better go soak that dick in Clorox.
I was hoping the squirrel would be funny.

 

by russman
4-23-18
I won my first comic contest.
Your life suddenly has meaning.
That's right. There goes your theory that people don't like my comics about my love life.
Oh, which one won?
Technically, it wasn't one of those.
You mean it was one of the funny ones.

 

by russman
4-24-18
Hey there, Sexy. You look mighty fine today.
You know how I feel about you day drinking. Don't you have to work tonight?
Can't I be in a good mood without being drunk.
Oh my God. Is there another slut upstairs?
I love you, Mom.
So help me, if you're back on the drugs.

 

by russman
4-25-18
I see Dez isn't spending her break with you anymore.
No, she's smoking again. So she's back outside with the cool kids.
She still won't sit in the car with me though.
Sorry Man. That must be tough.
Why don't you go hang out with her while she smokes?
Because that's what you..I mean a stalker..I mean it's cold out there.

 

by russman
4-26-18
Dez wants me to come over Friday after work but says she has to go to hers Moms Saturday.
I've been wanting to ask you something.
That's what being a mentor is all about. What do you need?
So of course, I assume she's going out with her ex.
It's not that. I just got my own apartment and I'm having a little party. I'd like you to come. It's Saturday at 7.
Just me.
So let's take this to the next level. It's been a couple weeks since I made a stupid decision. Bonus points for hurting a nice young girl in the process.
I guess you could bring someone. But I thought maybe you would hang out with me.
Thank you. Text me your address. I'll be there.

 

by russman
4-28-18
Had a good day with Dez yesterday. A good talk about our relationship.
I think she might actually be spending the day with her mother. So of course I cancelled going to the new apartment party with the young girl at work tonight.
Ha Ha. I hope none of you believed that. When the rollercoaster is at the top of the hill I'm sure as hell not getting off until I see how fast it can go down.

 

by russman
4-29-18
The housewarming party turned out to not really be a party.
I'm so glad you came. Noone else has shown up.
You got a nice place here. I probably shouldn't stay too long.
She's not my type and I have no intention of trying to sleep with her.
I understand if you don't want to hang out with me. I just don't know a lot of people from here. And the people at work are so mean.
You'll meet people. And I'm not mean.
I snuck out about 3:00. I guess I am one of the mean ones.
You can stay here tonight if you want.
That is an absolutely terrible idea but luckily I keep a toothbrush in the car.

 

by russman
4-29-18
So this girl I knew from Florida. Who used to brag about how many days she could stay up on meth.
And who once drove through downtown Sarasota in my convertible with her top off.
She gets on Facebook talking about being a vegan and how drinking a glass of red wine once a week is now a party.
So of course I message her and tell her I am glad to see she's turned her life around.
She hits me back with things are good now just needed to get rid of the negative influences in her life.
So I says ha ha you mean like me. She says yes but didn't add the ha ha.

 

by russman
4-30-18
Got off a little early so I brought you breakfast.
Thank you. Didn't Dez get off early. Would've thought you would have taken her out for breakfast.
She volunteered to stay and clean. Didn't want to lose any of her paycheck.
I'm sure she's impressed with you for not being concerned about that.
Was that sarcasm and at 6 o'clock in the morning? Well done.
I've been practicing. Break out the McMuffins.

 

by russman
5-01-18
I didn't get to thank you for coming for over the other night. You left so early.
Sorry about that. I don't like to leave my mom by herself for too long.
I think it's really nice that you moved back up here to take care of her.
She did a lot for me, I'm just trying to give back.
So then I said I'm just giving back.
I'd like to give you back.

 

by russman
5-02-18
Found out that Dez's stalker was going to pulling for me last night.
Gonna be a great night looks who's working with me.
Oh God. Don't pay any attention to him. He's just obsessed.
Hour Three
And then the fourth time we had sex, I got into the shower with her and you can guess what happened then.
I could but I would rather just hear every detail from you.
End of the night.
Well, how bad was it?
So, six times? Number three sounded interesting.

 

by russman
5-03-18
Did you see that. She just smiled at me. That's what makes me crazy.
I didn't notice.
Everytime I think I'm over her, she sucks me back in.
I didn't see the sucking.
I've got some more stories to tell you about her tonight.
I think she did that on purpose.

 

by russman
5-04-18
The young temptress from work in an effort to woo me brought an illegal substance and offered to share said substance with me before work, during break and after work if I so desired.
Not wanting to appear rude I agreed to partake of said substance before work and during break with the vile vixen.
I had to decline the after work invitation to go to breakfast with my more traditional and much hotter girlfriend. So what do you think, kind of a win for both of them, right?
You are such a dick.

 

by russman
5-05-18
One of Dez's "friends" from work saw me with the young girl on break and told Dez what we were doing.
So this is the actual text Dez just sent me. "U need to stop that shit russ..ur making me mad about it..Ur better than that"
I am very disappointed that a girl I've been dating for a couple of months, hasn't realized that there is almost nothing I am better than.

 

by russman
5-06-18
So my mom went on a cruise with my sister and the family for a week.
So it's just me and the cats.
You know your Mom cleans the litter box once in awhile.
It's gonna be a long week for you guys.

 

by russman
5-07-18
Good night at work. Came home ate breakfast and mowed the yard.
At least he feeds us.
Now I should go to bed and get a good days sleep and then do it all again tonight.
Still no progress on the litter box.
But it's a beautiful day. I've got beer in the fridge and the bar opens at noon. I feel a bad decision coming on.
I think I'll shit on his shoes.

 

by russman
5-08-18
Last night was miserable. Still drunk when I got to work and hung over by shifts end.
Can't you talk to him. He listens to you.
So crashed all day today. Feel better now so I decided to call off and go to the bar.
It's useless. Without supervision he's an oversexed drug addled alcoholic with the attention span of a ten year old.
If I still have a job when my Mom gets home it'll be a miracle.
At least he leaves the toilet seat up. So we have water. I just wish he would flush it once in awhile.

 

by russman
5-09-18
Can't believe you're hanging out on a school night. I thought you had to work.
I work when I feel like it. Tonight I feel like getting drunk with my old friend.
Does your Mom know you called off.
I'm an adult. My Mom doesn't tell me what to do.
Oh, I forgot she's gone for a couple of weeks.
That's just a coincidence, I do what I want.

 

by russman
5-10-18
Glad to see you came to work. Must be nice not to need the money. Oh and thanks for letting me know I really appreciate you being so considerate.
Sorry.
Glad your back. I missed you last night. I was gonna text you but I didn't want to wake you up.
Thanks.
There's a lesson to be learned here. But I won't be learning it anytime soon.

Showing page 12.

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