All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

Did you get the lezzies' wedding invitation?
Yeah, do you know where they're registered?
Probably a big box store.

 

Do you ever think about getting back together?
No, but I think you'll always be, "that guy" for me though.
You mean I'll be your, "I'll always love that guy even though it wasn't meant to be?"
No, you'll be my, "I can't believe I went out with that guy!"

 

How come you agreed to come here if you don't like hot dogs?
When you asked me if I wanted to go to Hot Doug's...
I had no idea it was a restaurant.

 

Dear Fag: What causes teh gay?
Dear Bicuriousity Killed The Cat...I've thought a lot about that. Is it genetic, is it learned? No...
It's hot, hot men.

 

I almost bought a red convertible classic car last week.
So this is how you're going to deal with your mid-life crisis, huh?
Well, I have no wife to divorce and I already date guys half my age.

 

One fine day...
So some guy really approached you about doing porn?
Yeah, but apparently he wants me to star in gay porn.
I don't know how to take that.
In the ass, usually.
I immediately regretted saying that.

 

One fine day...
How much was he going to pay you?
Between $500 and $2,000 per session, which means $500.
So why not do some solo jerk-off porn and get paid $500 for something you usually do for free?
I want to be president some day.
Of course, I could always run as a Republican.

 

Dear Fag, Forget that Rice-a-Roni shit. What's the real San Francisco Treat?
Dear Rice Queen, I'm sorry to tell you, but you already mentioned the San Francisco Treat.
Shit.

 

I just had a horrible realization.
I haven't had sex since I was in my thirties.

 

So what are you going to do in New York next week?
Oh you know, the usual stuff... museums, Statue of Liberty, Central Park...
Find out where the midwestern kids who moved to the big city to make it big hang out...
And ride one like a rental car.

 

Do you ever wonder how in 2008 people still fall for internet spam and the Nigerian scam?
They say a sucker is born every minute.
Swallowers slightly less frequently.

 

Alright, I'm looking dead sexy. Time to hit the New York gay scene.
I'd better jerk off first.
I'd hate to do anyone foolish.

 

What's a good thing to do in New York City at night?
Me.
I think I read that in my guide book.
I'm the talk of Wall Street.
I heard you go down faster than the Dow-Jones.

 

Did you hit the gay scene at all when you were in New York?
Yeah, I went to the Stonewall Inn.
Isn't that the place where the Stonewall Riots happened?
Yeah, it's the birthplace of the gay rights movement.
What's it like?
Let's just say the guys who were there... "were there."

 

Where did you go in New York?
Everywhere.
Did you see Queens?
Lots of them.
I even met the Staten Island Fairy.

 

Get any action lately?
There was this one guy who was like a work of art.
You mean like a Greek Adonis?
After I was done with him...
He was splattered like a Jackson Pollock.

 

What do you have to buy again?
A wedding gift for my lesbians.
It's kind of like shopping for a baby's Christmas present. You agonize over finding the right gift and then they end up playing with the wrapping paper.
I know whatever I give them, they'll just end up eating the box.

 

Your mother and I are taking senior exercise classes.
Good for you.
Yeah, but it's a women's gym and they don't allow men to come in through the main entrance.
So what do you do?
I go in through the back door.
And here you've been criticizing me for that for years.

 

Since I donated money to help defeat the proposed ban on gay marriage in California, they've been clogging my inbox .
Ding!
Probably another e-mail asking me for more money.
A Message from Cox Communications.

 

How was the lesbian wedding?
It was very nice.
They rolled out the red carpet.
And then munched it.

 

Were the girls both wearing wedding gowns?
One was in a suit, the other was in a traditional dress.
So did they put a traditional bride and groom on top of the cake?
No.
They had two donuts bumping.

 

What did you end up getting the lesbians as a wedding gift?
A gift certificate.
To where?
The Liquor Box.

 

I'd ask you what they had for dinner at the lesbian wedding, but I know what you'd say.
They really did have tuna.

 

You ever bareback?
No.
You should, it feels so much better.
I don't want to risk the disease.
What if it's with someone who you know is negative?
I still don't want a peanut in my peehole.

 

That was a cool bar last night.
Yeah, I like that place.
Is that a gay bar?
If you have to ask, it obviously isn't.

 

I'm really surprised you people don't support the gays.
Why would we endorse filthy, sinful sodomite behavior?
No gay couple in history has ever needed an abortion.

 

What kind of pizza do you want to get?
How about sausage and mushroom?
Paging Dr. Freud.

 

The purpose of marriage is reproduction.
There's a little more to it than that.
Yes, but if we were to allow gay marriages, the childless unions would destroy this country.
What's the birthrate of Vatican City again?

 

California, we need to talk.
For the third time in a row, you affirmed the right of teenage girls to get abortions without parental consent. Hooray for choice!
But by the same margin, you said two adults of the same sex can't choose to get married because marriage is for families and kids.

 

Boy, yesterday was great!
By an overwhelming majority, you voted to make it illegal to pen up farm animals in cramped enclosures.
Thank you, California, for taking the bold step of ensuring chickens lead happier lives before they are mechanically ground into nuggets.

 

I voted for Obama. I'm glad he won and I think it's an historic day for America.
But to the 70% of black people who voted to write discrimination into the California state constitution...
You have no right to be happy.

 

Do you think the Democrats will overturn Don't-Ask-Don't-Tell?
Yeah.
So an 18 year-old gay kid could die for his country without the right to drink a beer or get married.
Then again, why would someone get married if they couldn't drink beer?

 

Wanna go grab a beer after this?
We need to go somewhere with cocktails.
Beer is gross.
You put the 'mo in mojito.

 

Come on! We're going to protest the passage of the gay marriage ban!
By marching in solidarity, we're going to show the people who voted for discrimination that they can't ignore us.
Great, where are we marching?
From one side of the gay neighborhood to the other.

 

If we lose the court challenge on Proposition 8, we need to immediately start gathering signatures to have it repealed in 2010.
Shouldn't we wait a few more years to try and gain more support?
It's gotta be 2010.
You know, when the black people go back to not voting again.

 

I think I know every guy in here.
Let's blow this joint.
I thought you already did.

 

Hi, you're cute.
Thanks.
Wanna go screw?
No.
How about dinner some time?

 

Have you ever done the San Francisco to Los Angeles AIDS ride?
I would, but they make you sleep in campgrounds each night. If I'm going to ride 100 miles a day for six days in a row, I'm going to want a bed.
I hate camping too. That's why I had to have two lesbians put up my tent every night.
I think if a lesbian pitches a tent she's called a tranny.

 

I'm not going to try and change your mind, I just want to ask one question.
If gay marriage were to become legal...
What would your position be on gay divorce?

 

It's been so long since you've been in a relationship, are you happy?
It would be nice to have a boyfriend again, but don't worry about me.
I catch more tail than an aircraft carrier.

 

Whoa, did you read that about the goblin in the restroom?
You're going to love the goblin in the restroom.
I am?
Gobble, gobble, gobble.
The man knows his goblin.

 

If GM goes bankrupt, do you think it will affect mom and dad's retirement benefits?
I'm sure they moved their portfolio to more stable investments when he retired, but it might jeopardize their health coverage.
What if they lose everything?
Your house has more room.
They always liked you best.
I'd better tell them I'm gay again.

 

I'm looking for the Mandalay.
You found him.

 

Do you smell that?
Smell what?
Pheromones. It's time to mate.
Hmmm, I got nothing.
I'm looking for a queen.
I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

Hey, stud. Let's go back to my place and have some fun.
No, thanks.
C'mon, you name it, I'll do it. Bareback, top, bottom, poppers, face fucking, piss & shit fetish, fisting, nipple torture, rimming, cock bondage...
Cuddling?

 

Do you know where the punk clubs are?
Not really.
Too bad. I'm visiting and would really like to rock out with other punks to some hardcore, emocore, or whatevercore this place has to offer.
What are you doing in town?
I'm here for the Madonna concert.

 

How's the sex life now that you're so old?
I'm should be getting some action tomorrow.
From whom?
My doctor.
Isn't it unethical for him to date a patient?
It's a routine appointment, but he's going to...you know.

 

The increased rate of HIV infection among young, gay guys really bothers me.
Yeah, since they didn't grow up in an era where all their friends were dying of AIDS, they don't seem to fear the bug.
They look at HIV like some sort of condition you take drugs to manage and don't realize it's still a highly contagious, deadly disease.
What can be done to remind guys that there is nothing good about engaging in unsafe sex and contracting HIV?
For one, they should stop calling the concoction of medications they will have to take for the rest of their lives, "Cocktails."

 

Keebler has a new product called "Toppers."
They say they're, "The crackers built for topping."
And here I thought that was me.

 

You're late.
Sorry, I was browsing Xtube.
I was watching one guy fuck an inflatable orca, then I linked to a video of a guy smashing his balls with a brick, then I saw a guy shove a whole eggplant up his ass.
Didn't we have a discussion about how you're not supposed to talk about what gets you off?
Oh, I don't jerk off to it.

Showing page 13.

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