All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
12-02-04
so let me get this straight. because i'm a conservative republican and we won the election, you've come as a rat plague to take me down a peg?
that's pimp daddy rat plague to you, busta.
and because i associate ghettos and deprivation with bad black stereotypes, you sound like snoop dog in my mind's eye?
fo shizzle, my nizzle.
how long do i have to put up with this?
hmm. how did you put it? four more years!

 

by Cobb
12-09-04
have you heard anything from headquarters?
nothing recently.
i'm sick of sitting around here in sudan. i think all your old bosses at cia were fired and they've forgotten you.
maybe this department is not in the new version of the intelligence services in the congressional bill.
so, how about we go to ukraine for some fun. it can still be made into a bloody crisis, you know.
hey, just in time for hanukkah.

 

by Cobb
12-09-04
i hear that it's ramadan, the holy month in the islamic calandar.
yes, it is.
is it true that you abstain from pretty much everything during the day, and then kinda party every night?
like christmas, the partying has gotten out of hand.
so, your house? tonight? can i bring a date?
only if you bring some of that maui wowie too.

 

by Cobb
12-17-04
where have you hacked today?
i'm in a chat room with snoop dogg.
ask him the following question. 'whats the difference between a black man and a nigger'?
haha very funny. is that from that movie 'deep cover' with larry fishburn?
yeah. what does snoop say?
he says 'buy a nokia phone, fool!'

 

by Cobb
12-18-04
soldiers in iraq still don't have enough armor. when will it end?
since when did you care?
look. now is not a time for partisan politics. just cut through the red tape and support the troops.
what if i told you that for 5 billion dollars, halliburton could have the armor there next week? how much red tape then?
well.. i.. er..
i thought so.

 

by Cobb
12-23-04
tell me something, what is a jesus fish?
yes, uhm. well, this jesus was the last human to be served up for ritual cannibal sacrifice. he spent his life going through the motions, but was never actually eaten.
so that explains 'holy infant, so tender and mild', but now they eat the fish instead?
yes. wrapped in 'swaddling' served on a large plate of hay with a side order of sheep and other livestock.
i would have brought a pound of gold to taste that.
i heard you had to bring your own spices, though.

 

by Cobb
12-23-04
why the space suit?
haven't you heard? kujichagulia is coming.
what?
yeah, i read on the internet that kujichagulia is a sars-like airborne virus.
kujichagulia is the second part of kwanzaa.
i know. you better get your suit. by the time you get nia, you've got full blown kwanzaa. the survival rate is not good.

 

by Cobb
12-28-04
i don't see how you can be so blase about kwanzaa. you really need to protect yourself.
kwanzaa is not a disease, it's a harmless celebration.
harmless? ha! people will full-blown start hallucinating and garbling their speech.
like saying, habari gani?
man, you're already symptomatic.
i'm thinking that perhaps we need to re-evaluate our friendship.

 

by Cobb
12-31-04
do i look stingy to you?
that's a strange question to ask.
well, i've decided to send about fifty bucks to sri lanka. you know to help out.
that's thoughtful. i don't think that's stingy at all.
i would send more but my health club subscription is due.
you know, what scares me is that i understand you perfectly.

 

by Cobb
1-08-05
armstrong williams was a paid shill for the bush administration.
why are you telling me this?
it's just one more proof that there are no authentic black conservatives.
c'mon. he did it for only a quarter of a million dollars. that's less than the average rap band gets when they get signed to a record label.
i don't understand your comparison.
as a studio gangsta, williams is not really making out. selling out ain't what it used to be.

 

by Cobb
1-08-05
..and in other news, armstrong williams has signed with nclb records.
his new rap single, 'my voucher' is climbing the conservative charts.
sources say that his production company is laundering government money to finance his operation.

 

by Cobb
1-12-05
what do you think is worse, 'myopic zeal' or 'irrational exuberance'?
clearly i'd rather be a myopic zealot.
why is that?
well, dan rather lost his job for being a myopic zealot, but at least he was somebody.
what has that got to do with the irrational exuberance of the internet bubble investors?
oh yeah that. i thought you were talking about the irrational exuberance of bloggers now that rather is gone.

 

by Cobb
1-14-05
i have moved to a new state of consciousness that defeats terrorism.
yeah right. what world are you living in?
i've decided to stop living in a post 9/11 world. now i will live in the post-tsunami world.
...and the effect of this is?
i am reconciled with the forces of nature. all else is nothingness.
does your imam know about this?

 

by Cobb
1-14-05
how can you, as a muslim, decide to be so transcendant of everyday reality?
i have been in america a long time.
so?
american life has divorced me from everyday reality. now i can deal with everything on a purely mental level.
what has this got to do with the asian tsunami?
nah nah nah.. i don't hear you.. nah nah nah

 

by Cobb
1-14-05
i am living in the transcendant reality of the post-tsunami world.
dude, that sounds so cool.
since i know that you too are unaffected by reality, i have come to ask a bit of advice.
ok. hit me.
when you need to snap back into reality, how do you do it? what brings you back?
usually, it's the blunt burning my fingers.

 

by Cobb
1-16-05
it says here that the defense department has actually rejected certain experimental non-lethal weapons systems.
oh yeah, i read that story. i liked the one that attracted rats and hornets to the enemy position.
i kinda liked the one that made the enemy's breath stink so that they could be distinguished from civilians.
well, you know why they rejected that idea, don't you?
north korea?
kim chee countermeasures.

 

by Cobb
1-20-05
you know i really don't care for bush's praying in public all the time. it's so sanctimonious. i'm really offended by it.
but god has always been a part of public life. what's the point of having religious freedom if you don't actually use it.
but he's the president. when he talks about jesus christ it's like he's preaching. don't you see how that's wrong?
he's still a person. george bush is openly christian. how can that offend liberal sensitivities in a free country?
it doesn't mean i have to like it.
well, then just imagine that he's gay.

 

by Cobb
1-20-05
it looks like humans are on the verge of making quantum computing real.
well, i suppose it was inevitable.
but it means they'll have access to all of our quantum encrypted communications.
it's not such a bad prospect, i mean they might have something to contribute, finally to the well being of the universe.
on the other hand, they'll probably just spam us.
i'll get the coordinates for the research facilities, you warm up the laser cannon.

 

by Cobb
1-20-05
what internet browser do you use?
firefox of course.
what about email?
thunderbird. it's from the same people.
what's your mp3 player? volcanomonkey?
very funny.

 

by Cobb
1-21-05
you know, i never asked you what you thought of the defense of marriage act.
it totally sucks. in a bad way.
so you think gays should have a constitutional right to marry?
gays should be free to do whatever.
do you want to get married?
that's sweet of you to ask, but i'm already spoken for.

 

by Cobb
1-24-05
great news for blacks in hollywood. john singleton got a huge deal.
singleton? isn't he the guy who directed 'boyz n the hood'?
yes. his new film won a bidding war at the sundance film festival this weekend. it's the hottest thing out.
hey, that's real progress. what's the film about?
er.. a pimp having a midlife crisis who tries to break into the rap industry.
i actually liked you better when you had a crush on barack obama.

 

by Cobb
1-24-05
who was this johnny carson everyone is talking about?
oh wow. you came here after he quit didn't you. jeez. i never thought that there would be any americans who didn't know him.
yes, so what was he like?
it's hard to describe what was so special about him. i guess it's because there's nobody around who is anything like him. except maybe charles kuralt.
who?
oh, gee. i'm sorry, he's gone too.

 

by Cobb
1-25-05
you keep showing up at the oddest places. i thought religion and politics aren't supposed to mix.
no they are not. man cannot serve two masters.
so why are religious people so involved in politics these days?
you should notice that the outspoken religious folks are on the republican side. republicans want less and less government..
..enabling more and more church.
we understand the zero sum game of discretionary income. less taxes means more tithes.

 

by Cobb
1-25-05
ok i've had it up to here. i am so sick of hanging out here in sudan that i'm ready to commit suicide. we have got to get out of here now.
it's true that we haven't had any orders since the shakeup at langley. i think porter goss doesn't even know i exist.
i say we should freelance. we have enough money to go another six months. you could sell some more explosives to the janjaweed.
no. i should come in and debrief.
they're just going to disown you again. you need to bring back a prize so they can't deny you.
hmm. you're right. we're going to tehran.

 

by Cobb
1-28-05
you know what today is?
nope. can't say that i do. what is it?
it's the day i get to vote.
oh yeah, that's right. you're originally from basra.
i have waited a long time for this.
keep your eyes on the prize, my brother.

 

by Cobb
1-29-05
superbowl is coming.
should we make the eagles win?
i don't care about the game. hows about another halftime stunt?
been there. how about we make a commercial do something weird.
what if we do something so big somewhere else in the world that people stop watching the game?
i like the way you think.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
iraqi voter turnout was over 70%
bush doesn't deserve credit for that.
they showed up at the polls even though terrorist were bombing polling places.
bush doesn't deserve credit for that either.
the voice of freedom is singing out from the middle of the arab world!
stop being so smug. there's bad news too you know.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
you just can't stand admitting that bush was right to go to iraq.
you just can't admit that this is hardly the right way to get an election.
it worked for us.
see? selfish partisan bullshit.
by 'us' i meant america. we fought a bloody war to gain independence and the right to vote. it's bloody like that.
why do i get the last word, and yet have nothing to say?

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
ok here's my beef. why is war always the answer with men? are you incapable of resolving any differences through non-violent means?
you mean like martin luther king? please.
yeah. like martin luther king. what was wrong with his approach?
it takes forever. look, if martin luther king would have had an army, there would be no such thing as affirmative action resentment.
your logic stupefies me.
hmm. maybe i should start with something simpler. do you understand football?

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
in order to understand how men think about problem solving, you first have to understand football and rage.
ok, i'll give it a try. in the interests of understanding.
first understand rage. i'm going to need to take you to a very ugly place. are you ready?
sure, whatever.
imagine that your best girlfriend has stolen your boyfriend, ripped up your entire wardrobe and told your mother about the abortion you had.
i think i'm going to regret getting inside a man's head.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
so i get the rage part. men have to be expected to deal with people who break all the rules. so you're constantly on the defensive.
exactly. that's where football comes in.
uh.. explain please.
when words don't work you have to get physical. men play competitive sports in order to sustain healthy aggression.
and football, moreover the legendary history of football is the deep reserve of this fundamental 'right stuff'?
precisely. you now understand men.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
now that i've gone through the exhausting task of hearing you out on football and rage as a rationale for war in iraq, i have something to say.
it's a free country.
that is the most retarded theory i've ever heard in my life.
didn't give you a woody?
of course not, you idiot.
i rest my case. you're incapable of true understanding.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
oh that tears it! because i don't have a penis, i truly can't understand men? i can't believe you said that!
look. i don't try to know what it's like to have a period or have a baby. nobody begrudges women that.
oh please..
and the fact of the matter is that men have to deal with the effects of an erection on our psyche many more times than women have periods or babies.
..what does that have to do..
i'm getting one right now.

 

by Cobb
1-31-05
i've been meaning to tell you something.
yeah? what's that?
drop dead.
excuse me?
all you old white baby boomers need to just get over yourselves and die.
is this about social security?

 

by Cobb
2-04-05
a lot of blackfolks don't trust republicans even though republicans were on the right side of the civil war.
yes. i know people still debate the true meaning of the american civil war. was it for the slaves or not?
i suspect that 150 years from now iraqis will still debate the value of george bush.
no great leader can be radical enough in retrospect, except for those who don't survive.
george w. bush, a martyr?
it would make so many people very happy.

 

by Cobb
2-07-05
that's not halo2. it doesn't even look like a game, what gives?
it's the latest thing from google. it's called keyhole, a satellite image atlas.
what are you looking at?
i think i've found the world's largest traffic circle in southeast moscow.
woo. and you paid how much for this?
what? do you think i forgot our superbowl bet?

 

by Cobb
2-10-05
what's 'defamatory innuendo' and who is eason jordan?
eason jordan is an al qaeda operative out to prove the u.s. military assasinates foreign journalists.
really? wow!
well, some bloggers have said so, but there's no real proof.
how can you say such.. oh i get it.
the ethics of journalism have everything to do with the fact that they can lose their jobs. by the way, how do you like my pajamas?

 

by Cobb
2-10-05
ok how about this? eason jordan had a secret gay lover at al jazeera whom he murdered when word got out.
good one. uhmm. eason jordan lost his shirt investing in libyan dual use technology.
ha ha! eason jordan is a cia plant whose comments at davos were designed to draw fire away from actual u.s. military assassinations.
ooh left wing curveball. that's good enough to believe.
let's blog it.
oh yeah. trackback city!

 

by Cobb
2-10-05
i saw your stuff about eason jordan. do you really think that bloggers can take down the head of cnn?
hey, we got dan rather. he was a bigger fish than eason jordan.
this stuff is making your blog really popular.
it's the destiny of the blogosphere to liberate the voices of the unheard. it is a revolution of conscience and the best example of america's value of free speech.
is that actually your real mother posting comments signed 'mom'?
let's not talk about that, ok?

 

by Cobb
2-12-05
you know i'm getting really sick of all these stories about torture.
what? i thought you'd be a little more hawkish. are you turning soft on us?
no, i'm not squeamish i just don't want to hear any more squealing.
oh i see. dead men tell no tales, right?
aye matey!
you scare me.

 

by Cobb
2-14-05
i'm from the grammy committee and i'd like to ask some questions about ray charles. he's been 'on our mind', heh heh.
oh you guys are disgusting.
did you really listen to ray charles before the media hype started last year?
everybody knew about ray charles. you ought to be ashamed. you never recognized him when he was alive.
but we gave him a lifetime achievment award..
hit the road, jack!

 

by Cobb
2-15-05
another priest is going to jail.
it's truly a shame, but..
but what?
but at least the church still has more credibility than hollywood.
some standard.
what? are you defending michael jackson?

 

by Cobb
2-15-05
you know, i really think we should get over to north korea.
but we just got to tehran.
yeah i know, but i really think there's more action up that way.
you just want to see humans starving.
tehran is remarkably civilized. there's not quite enough deprivation here for my tastes.
it ain't darfur.

 

by Cobb
2-16-05
what's up dog?
feeling out of it.
it's that wesminster kennel club thing again?
another year gone by and nobody recognizes my beauty. i coulda been a contender.
you have issues.
maybe you can get me some zoloft.

 

by Cobb
2-16-05
you'd like me to what?
send an email to laurence summers, the president of harvard university. tell him i support him.
he's in a lot of trouble you know. he suggests that women aren't smart enough to excel in the sciences, and you know he got rid of cornel west, the black star professor.
he obviously has a preference for white men. just like me.
so you think he's gay.
obviously, he can't think straight.

 

by Cobb
2-16-05
oh yeah, well we were so poor that we used one teabag per month.
we were so poor that we used to shower with the radiator hose at the gas station.
we were so poor that when you opened our front door, you broke our back window.
we were so poor that we shared a pair of binoculars to watch the neighbor's tv.
oh yeah, well we were so poor that on trash day we borrowed the neighbor's cans.
damn. you got me there.

 

by Cobb
2-17-05
well you finally did it. congratulations. bloggers are now to be feared.
as agent smith said: it is inevitable.
who's next on the takedown list.
aw c'mon, that's not what we're all about.
yeah yeah, but who?
gannon. we're going to link him to plame.

 

by Cobb
2-21-05
what do you make of howard dean, you know, on race?
well, he does speak out more than any other white candidate. i mean he's not afraid of the subject.
but is he really saying anything?
does it matter? i mean he brings up the issue which is more than you can say about anybody else.
maybe he wants sharpton's job.
now that's affirmative action.

 

by Cobb
2-21-05
hunter s. thompson committed suicide. i'm so bummed.
who was he?
you know, hunter s. thompson. he..uhm, you know.. used drugs.
wasn't he the one they called gonzo?
yeah, that's the one.
next to miss piggy, he was my favorite muppet.

 

by Cobb
2-21-05
so have you been checking out the new lesbian show on tv?
yeah, but it's all intellectual.
i knew it was too good to be true.
don't worry, this is just the first season. next year it will devolve into something really sleazy.
that's what i'm talking about.
thank god for ratings sweeps.

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