All comics by DexX

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by DexX
8-27-02
My wife is an angel.
Lucky bastard... mine's still alive!
Honey, have you been thinking about what I said? Remeber, about being more affectionate?
Yep, I've taken it to heart. I now have two girlfriends.
I you would just be willing to cook and clean now and then, we could fire the cook and the maid!
Sure, and if you'd fuck me now and then, we could fire the gardener and the pool boy!

 

by DexX
8-27-02
Do you ever fantasise about stuff during sex?
I mostly just fantasise that my wife isn't fantasising about someone else...
Where would you be without me? I made you a millionaire!
I know. What a pity I was a billionaire before we got married.
Hey, your wedding ring is on the wrong hand...
I know - I married the wrong man.

 

by DexX
8-27-02
Mother! Mother! I've fallen in love with a man just like dad!
Don't worry dear - we all make mistakes.
I was a fool when I married you.
I know... what a shame I was in love at the time and didn't notice.
You know, it is said that men never know true happiness until they are married.
...but by that time it's too fucking late.

 

by DexX
8-27-02
I studied my shadow closely.
Wow, dark...
It was strange that I could see my shadow, but I still couldn't see my hand in front of my face.
Hellooooo...
Then I realised there was someone standing behind me.
Cool! Some idiot's left his front door open! I'll have to call Bob and get him to bring his moving van over!

 

by DexX
8-28-02
How bizarre! By a strange twist of fate, I have survived the destruction of the earth!
I wonder if any StarBucks survived too?

 

by DexX
9-02-02
So, DexX, for this contest I want you to explain how you came to be living happily on your own tropical island paradise.
Well, it was the two hundred million dollar lottery win that made all the difference...
Lottery win? I specifically outlawed that in the rules!
Oh no, I didn't win the lottery...
Oh, okay. Go on then.
...it was the gorgeous supermodel who won the lottery, and gave all the money to me...

 

by DexX
9-02-02
...okay then, could I have a vanilla caramel soy macchiatto with sugar-free marshmallows on top?
FREEZE, EARTHLING!!! *vwoom vwoom* YOU ARE A PRISONER OF THE CYLON EMPIRE!!! *vwoom vwoom*
Ack! Cylons! What will I-
Phew! Thank God for Starbucks!
*fzzzt!* THE CYLON EMPIRE DOES NOT LIKE PUNS!! *fizzle*

 

by DexX
9-04-02
...and this woman I work with is upset because her daughters little kids are bastards.
Uh... surely "illegitimate" would be a nicer term to use...
Hey, I _was_ being nice. She described them as "filthy little fuckers"...

 

by DexX
9-05-02
As I have no idea how Smarm likes to represent himself in strips, he is invisible in this one...
I have a slight problem with your series...
What's that?
Well... Her Majesty's Secret Cervix...
What about it?
To me, the existence of a Secret Cervix logically implies the existence of Her Majesty's Public Cervix.
I think you're confusing Her Majesty with Agent Five Dollar.

 

by DexX
9-05-02
I slipped quietly back into the doorway to watch this young incarnation of my bastard father...
Oh well, before I go home, I might as well grab everything small, portable, and valuable...
Ahem.
Amazingly, it was the same cop, but as a fresh-faced rookie.
Oh, uh, hello officer... uh... uh... aaahhh...
Like father, like son.
...CHOO!
Ick. Allergic to impending arrest and severe beatings, are we?

 

by DexX
9-05-02
"Pubic cervix"? That's a tautology, isn't it?
More like twatology.
That was a serious question.
I know, but I like to make puns. They make everyone groin in pain.
Stop it.
Wanna play with my pussy?

 

by DexX
9-05-02
One thing I never understodd about that damned cop was how he always managed to chase me, despite my invisibility...
Almost got you, you imperceptible perpetrator!
*pant pant pant*
In this case, he was going to get one helluva shock, though...
Gotcha!
Crap!
...as I began to shift in time while he was holding on to me.
You appear to be violating the laws of physics. Cease and desist!

 

by DexX
9-05-02
I'll say one thing in favour of invisibility...
No! It can't be! I'm invisible too!
It's true, so just accept it. Now, put down that nightstick and join me over on the couch.
I like being invisible, because I can wear my authentic Elvis Presley sequinned jumpsuit without people laughing at me.
Stop gryaing your pelvis so much! You knocked over my drink! I have bloody mary all over my pants!
...it certainly makes these comics more flexible.
It's a bit dangerous standing around naked like this. One of you might step on my huge penis!
You've been trying that line on me for months now. Give it up.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Okay, forum user character selected, familiar old background3 in place... I'm ready to tell my story!
Fuck, I'm depressed already...

 

by DexX
9-06-02
I was a wonderful baby, according to my mother. Hardly ever cried, and only ever for a good reason.
As a toddler I was much the same. From a young age I was a very nice child - bright, talkative, friendly, and generous.
Obviously, things changed.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
I'm torn... should I tell a nice story, or an honest story?
Both are quite funny in their own way.
...assuming you like gallows humour.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Okay, here's the deal... I'll tell it like it was, and then if there is an opportunity for a punchline, I'll stick one in.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
What?
That wasn't much of an opportunity.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
I'm really not sure how interesting my life story will be, and my depressive mindset makes the "predicting the ideal future" portion difficult too.
The last thing I want to do is bore or depress any of-
JUST TELL THE FUCKING STORY!!!
Touchy.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Like I said, I was a generous child. My mum told me a story that sticks in my mind. I was about four at the time. Mum gave me a little bit of money to go and buy some lollies from_the_corner_shop.
I_came_back_with_a small bag full, and offered some to all my siblings. Trouble is, after I had passed the bag around, there were none left for me. I had given them all away.
According to mum, I cried just a little bit, but I was really quite brave about it... *sniff* ...no punchline on this one... *sniff*

 

by DexX
9-06-02
The_key_to_my_psychology lies in my late childhood and teens. My parents were (and still are) very Catholic. Yes, I have eight siblings, which sheds a bit of light on the bag-of-lollies incident...
My dad was... well, I'll be blunt - he was a monstrous, violent tyrant who disciplined with his fists when mere words were not enough. He didn't drink, or anything... he just had_a_terrible_temper.
I called him a cunt, told him I hated him, pushed him through a wardrobe, and walked out halfway through a visit a few years back. Shit like that should make you feel better, but_it_very_rarely_does.
No punchline on this one, either.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
This will sound somewhat egoistic, but I was very nearly a child prodigy.
As a result, school was too easy, I found it boring, and before long I had no idea how to apply myself to study and schoolwork. To this day I am still terrible at school deadlines_and_reading.
Being lazy really sucks sometimes.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Then I met Rebecca.
Beautiful, intelligent, funny, loving, nice, affectionate, sexy, engaging, creative, strong, patient, kind, talented, thoughtful, sweet, intellectual, loyal, and wonderful_in_every_way.
For some bizarre reason she fell madly in love with me. Don't ask me why - almost a decade later, I am still amazed.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Predictably, my "careers" were as disastrous as my schooling...
Woah, woah! WHat the hell are you doing?
I'm telling my... our... life story.
You could at least get the order of events right.
Great. Now everyone's going to think I am totally insane.
Too late.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Look, I'm not doing a chronology, here. I'm just covering the major formative issues.
Did you talk about how having your childhood intelligence ignored at school made you bored at school and ruined your academic career?
Yeah, covered that bit.
Did you talk about how having a tyrannical father who would never allow you to argue anythig with him has made you fearful of authority and unable to stand up for yourself when_treated_unfairly?
I... uh, no. I touched on it, but got distracted before reaching my point.
Okay then... have you explained why you have so much trouble finishing creative projects? Why you are so unreliable when asked to do favours for others? Why you're phobic_of_housework?

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Here's an interesting one: Why does a bloke who suffers from such crippling self-hatred insist on inserting himself into half of his comics?
Twice, in this case.
If you want my opinion, I think you're just insane.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Shit... I introduced you into the panel, and now I can't get rid of you without fucking up the narrative.
Excuse me? You were the narrator, and you were going way off track. I represent the author's will trying to exert power over his creation.
Bullshit! You're a psychological construct, a self-embodied other to act as a voice of dissent in the monologue.
-I'M- a psychological construct? No, no, no... You are the construct, wandering off on it's own like Frankenstein's monster.
Will you two just shut the fuck up?!?
Uh... why would somebody who seriously dislikes himself insert his own persona into the same series as three distinct characters?
Here's a clue... starts with "i", ends with "nsanity".

 

by DexX
9-06-02
For fuck's sake... this is part fifteen, and it's going nowhere. Care to talk about the future?
Uh...
Well...
What do YOU see as your ideal future?
I asked you first.
Bastard.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
*sigh* Never ask a chronic depressive about the future. Damn this contest... now I'm feeling really down.
Oh, I know what will cheer me up!
- - - - - BACK IN FIVE MINUTES - - - - - -

 

by DexX
9-06-02
ObiJo, your damned contest got me thinking about my whole depressing life. Now I'm depressed as all hell.
Hey, don't blame me for-
ah! i am dieing!
Okay, now I feel better.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Feeling a bit better now, so here goes with the future...
Uh...
I'm still an aspiring lottery winner. Does this mean I'm disqualified?

 

by DexX
9-06-02
The legions of disgruntled invisible people fought back. They picketed outside government buildings...
They streaked naked at sporting events...
As unsuccessful as everything else was, however, chaining themselves to trees in logging forests was probably the worst idea.
Stop the bulldozers! Stop the bulldozers! Hey! STOP THE FUCKING BULL-

 

by DexX
9-06-02
I am being mercilessly ravished by an amorous tentacle while a cross-dressing hillbilly in a bunny suit laughs...
Ha ha ha ha haaaa!!!
I am watching my young hippie father trying to sell an AM/FM digital clock radio to a mucus-covered police-officer...
Check it out! The numbers flip over!
We are not amused.
Oops... urm... I think I broke it.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Get out of bedroom, mister!
...but, but this is an empty panel! Damn it! . . . Hey, where's my narration?
Oh, sorry. Uh... I was in an empty panel. Obviously.
Thank you.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
Needless to say, I wasn't happy.
A snowman? I'm a fucking SNOWMAN??? That does it!
I've been dropped out of a plane, raped by a squid, bizarrely assaulted by a family of psycho hillbilly women, cornholed, beaten, burned, and tolerated it...
Yes?
...but now you're saying I'm a snowman?
Hey, settle down. 'sno big deal.

 

by DexX
9-06-02
BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...
Hey! It's midnight! You know whjat that means, don't you, Steve?
It means the worst day of your life is over!
BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...
Great! Fix up this bizarre physical form of mine!
BONG... BONG... BONG... BONG...
There you go. How do you feel?
Did I hear somebody mention a bong?

 

by DexX
9-09-02
So... explain again why you feel compelled to bomb Iraq...
It's obvious!
Just humour me.
Look, Hussein may be able to get hold of weapon-grade plutonium, in which case there is a strong chance that he would be able to build a nuclear bomb, which he may_then_use_against_us!
So... there's a risk of a risk of a risk?
Good enough for me!

 

by DexX
9-11-02
Okay, going to try this again...
No sidetracks, no free-association, no self-obsessed Lynchian situations...
Get on with it!
Grrrrr! Fine! Here's my life... take two!

 

by DexX
9-11-02
Dinosaurs taught me how to read.
I would not like it in a tent! I would not buy it for ten cents!
I would not like an asteroid-induced global extinction event!
No, I didn't mean it literally. I kept asking my parents and siblings to read dinosaur names for me out of books. That's how I learned to read.
An elite geek, trained from the age of three...

 

by DexX
9-11-02
School baffled me...
I know all this stuff...
As is usually the case, since I was so bored at school...
Are these other kids stupid or something? These words are easy to spell!
...I ended up never doing any work.
Homework? Uh, well... you see...

 

by DexX
9-11-02
Grade Three - Mrs Cox
James is a very bright boy, but his mind wanders, and he rarely does his homework.
Grade Six - Mrs Schmidt
I don't know how to reach him! He's extremely intelligent, amazingly creative, but schoolwork doesn't interest him at all!
Grade Eight Maths - Mr Jacka
Why doesn't he do any bloody work? WHen he bothers to do it, he gets nearly 100% every time! Why doesn't he-
You'd think one of the approximately fifty primary and high school teachers would have realised I was bored...

 

by DexX
9-15-02
Charlie Sheen! I'm so glad you could make it to my party!
Whatever.
Nobody else is here yet. What do you want to do?
Look, I'm just here for the free drugs and hookers you promised me. Where are they?
Did I say there would be free drugs and hookers? Must have been a misunder- fuck.

 

by DexX
9-17-02
Heya DexX. Welcome to Austria. I am sub_m7.
Okay... uh... who is that behind you?
Me? Oh, I am sub_m7's "sister": dom_m7.
"Sis" and I have all kinds of fun games planned...

 

by DexX
9-17-02
As you do...
Meh... bored. I think I'll go to sub_m7's party in Austria.
Later...
Here I am in sunny Austria, and... DexX! All along, YOU were sub_m7!!!
No, this is Australia, you dick. Learn to spell.
Oh... so, what now?
YOU'RE IN MY WORLD NOW!!! MUAHAHAHAAA... fuck it, I'm out of ideas.

 

by DexX
9-17-02
One day in the otherworld...
She has fallen! Great Babylon has fallen! She is now haunted by demons and unclean spirits; all kinds of filthy and hateful_birds_live_in_her.
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by DexX
9-24-02
A long long time ago...
I can still remember how that robot used to make me smile.
RAAARRR!!! TOBOR KNEW THAT IF TOBOR HAD A CHANCE, TOBOR COULD RIP PEOPLE'S PANTS.
No maybes - they'd walk funny for a while.

 

by DexX
9-24-02
...but bills from hosting made Brad shiver...
*cha-ching!!!*
HOW MUCH???
...with every punchline Gabe delivered.
wirthling
sucks
Tag teams, cups and contests...
...and countless nude-pic requests.

 

by DexX
9-24-02
I can't remember if I cried when read the threads where trolls collide.
** No, YOU are the clueless newbie, not me! **
*sigh*
But I felt nauseous deep inside, the day...
...sub_m7's party died.
Where is everyone?
Shut up vichy.

 

by DexX
9-24-02
SO BYE BYE TO TOBOR'S PIECE OF ARSE-PIE.
My levity lacks brevity - my series don't die.
...while DexX and Fuzzy do my puns while I lie.
The rest of us just read them and die.
A hive insect named Dave that collects pollen from prickly Scottish plants is the one I'll be recolouring.
Huh? Wait on... Thistle bee, the David I dye... I fucking hate you.

 

by DexX
9-24-02
Did you write the book of love, cause you fit me snug, just like a glove.
Didn't the Bible tell you "no"?
Hey, are you a fan of rock and roll?
It's not music, unless your mortal soul is in danger when you touch the volume control.
Well I know that you're in love with him, cause I saw you thrash him in your gym.
No, I just licked her shoes.
...and I gave him a helluva bruise.

Showing page 13.

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