All comics by RandomComicLayoutGuy

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Dude... This coffee's REALLY hot! Are you sure you want me to pour the whole cup in your mouth?
Yes! I drank WAY too much at the Halloween party last night, and I need to wake up for my English 101b midterm!
Okay! Here goes...
AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
I told you!
HIT ME AGAIN, FOOL!!

 

Dude... Halloween's OVER!
You can take off your costume now!
What costume?

 

Hi, Mrs. Pennynipple! Is Brad around?
Nope. He went to Vegas for the weekend and left me here all by my lonesome...
Really?
Really!
(Here comes the "M.I.L.F." moment!)
Want to come in and help me depilate?

 

Blah!
Hey, Drac! How would you like a freshly-brewed cup of my world-famous coffee?
I'd love one, but I've been trying to cut down on my caffeine intake...
Really? Why?
'Cuz it keeps me up all DAY!

 

Outta my way, spook!
I know kung fu!
So?
I know kung BOO!

 

Damn, Abe! You're STILL alive?
Yessir!
How you feeling?
I feel FANTASTIC!
Shit! Looks like I won't be getting HIS soul anytime soon!

 

Damn...
I am REALLY hungry!
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE COME TAKE A SHIT ALREADY?!

 

NO MORE WAR!
Hey, Scotchie!
NO MORE WAR!
Looks like you transported me back to the late 1960's America, also known as the era of free sex before the enslaught of herpes and AIDS...
Unfortunately for Captain Quirk, he was actually at an Iraq anti-war protest circa 2005...
NO MORE WAR!
I think I'll cornhole a shitload of hippy women sans condom before you beam me back!

 

*sniff*
Aaaaaaaah!
I love the smell of burning cowshit in the morning!

 

Put your hands- uh...
Uh, your hand- er... Um... Feet?
Put your FEET in the air like you just don't care!
Now you're talking, Poncho!

 

I SAW HER [oomph!] FIRST, ASS-WIPE!
NO WAY, SPLOOGE-FACE! I (ouch!) SAW HER FIRST!!
Gee... Are they fighting over little ol' me?

 

Uh... Uh... Are you Brent Musburger?
No... Guess again, dipshit!
Can you just give me one little hint?
Okay. I have holes in my hands and and holes in my feet...
Pinocchio?
WRONG!

 

OUCH!
Back to work, Gabe!
Give me a minute. I just got nailed in the nuts by a forklift!
GET BACK TO FUCKING WORK NOW, GABE!!
Okay, okay! I [oomph!] will...
And, if you try to file a workman's comp claim, I'll have Manny squash those same nuts in our brand new Heidelberg press! Now, BEAT IT!!

 

Well, it all started for me when I molested by my uncle at the age of 22...
After that experience, I decided it was time to head out west, where I got involved in snuff porn and prostitution, sucking guys off for $2 a spooge...
"Uh... Aren't you going to share with the children how you became a huge success in the blue-tooth technology sector?"
I getting to that! Now, after doing six months in jail for beastiality and assault, I then decided...

 

Blah! I vant to suck your BLOOD!
And, for fifty bucks...
...I'll suck your COCK!
?!?

 

I CAN'T FEEL MY ARMS!
I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!!
I don't have the heart to tell him...
I CAN'T FEEL MY NUTS!!!

 

CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!
And, just where do you think you're going with that crowbar-looking thingy, buddy?
I, uh, locked myself out of my estate room, and instead of waking up the crew, I thought I'd just use this new-fangled door opener to let myself in...
Well... Just make sure you do it quietly!
Oh, I will, Captain Obvious. I will... *snicker*

 

Hey, YOU...
SPEED UP!!
BUZZ OFF!!
Oh, like I haven't heard THAT one before!

 

So, Abe... Please, tell everyone your secret for living so long...
Eating right, moderate exercise, getting plenty of rest...
Anything else?
Most importantly, molest a young boy from time-to-time!
Based on that, I should live to be 1200! YAY!
Did I say molest? I meant to say massage. OOPS! I mean, message. Yeah, that's the ticket! MESSAGE!

 

BARF!
Take it easy, Peter!
BARF
When I said that you were "drinking my blood and eating my body", I was being figurative...
BARF!
I didn't mean to make you sick!

 

Who are you?
I represent the homeless people of America, and I'm here to meet with the President and give him our list of DEMANDS!
And, those are?
Well, for starters... BIGGER TRASH CANS!
Snap!

 

Dammit, Butch! I told you to refold these clothes and put them back on the shelves!
And, why have't you put away all these empty shoe boxes? Jesus Henry CHRIST!!
I wonder if I can nail his mouth shut, too?
Do I gotta do EVERYTHING around here?

 

Boy... Some guardian angel YOU turned out to be!
Fuck off!

 

Wow! This thermometer says it's 112 degrees out!
It's so hot, I think I'll take my top off to cool down...
Well... If, you're going to take off YOUR top, then I'm going to take off MINE...
...or, not!

 

So, in conclusion...
If, you want to be alert at all times, make sure you drink plenty of COFFEE!
Oh, and paint all the walls in the interior of your home RED!

 

He followed me home, Dad!
Please, say we can keep him! PLEASE!
Arf!

 

...then, after I agreed to terms with the sales manager, I had to wait in the lobby until I got called into finance.
Once there, the finance gal added on all kinds of extras including paint protection, undercarriage corrosion prevention, and a 10 year/100,000 warranty!
The entire package cost me $4500 (which I thought was a bit high), but atleast I got an interest rate of 19.5%! So, I'm satisfied I made a good deal on my new Hyundai...
And, people call ME a "drip"!

 

Wow!
Is it HOT today or what?!
I'm literally projectile SWEATING!!

 

Our hero, Stickboy, knew there'd be a day when Dracula would come for him...
Blah!
..so, he always had a hammer and stake at the ready.
However, when the moment of truth came, Stickboy panicked, and drove the stake through his own forehead!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ha, ha!

 

AYYYYYYYYYYY! Who let you into my house, juero?
No one! I came in through the bathroom window!
Don't you know that breaking and entering is against the law?
So's crossing the border illegally, Poncho!
Oh, (heh heh) yeah!

 

Goddamn!
You do your best to keep your ship spotless!
And, some asshole, wearing WAY too much sunblock, leans up against the cabin wall while talking on his cell phone!

 

What did you do, Pete?
I killed all the others, Ian...
You [gulp] did?
Yes! Now, it's just you and me!
So, what's the new name for our band going to be?
How does "Echo and the Bunny-MAN" grab you?

 

I vanted to suck this lardass' blood...
Mmmmmmmm!
But, after seeing what kind of food he eats, I decided not to...
A brunswerger sandwich with extra mayo and gobs of Velveeta cheese!
...because my doctor told me to cut down on my cholesterol!
I can't wait to wash this down with an extra thick, double-buttermilk shake!

 

You sure drink a lot of coffee, Frank! What kind of coffee bean do you like?
The BLACKER the better, Neal!
Y'know... Most African-Americans would be offended by what you just said. But, I'm not! By the way, what do you like to put in your coffee?
Whipped-like-a-runaway-slave cream!
NOW I'm offended!

 

Now you know where my secret hideout is, Mr. Mouse...
Yes... I most certainly do!
You won't tell anyone, will you?
Of course not!
I ain't no RAT!

 

What you in for?
Vagrancy... How about you?
It's a long story...
Suffice to say, whoever wrote the California Penal Code, didn't overlook ANY possible crime, and that includes bunny-fucking!

 

Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr...
...rrrrrrrrrre's...
...BUNNY!

 

EVERYBODY BE COOL, AND NO ONE WILL GET HURT!
Uh... Cliff? What's with the Mac-10?
Every time I come here to deliver your mail, you guys "clown" me, and I'm SICK OF IT!!
Dude... We're a staffing service for Ringling Brothers!
No excuses, Bozo!

 

Ow! Ow! Ow!
Hey, Nurse Titty... (ha, ha) Check this out!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
This has got to be the WORST case of (ha, ha) jock-itch I've ever seen!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
But, you haven't heard the BEST part! (Ha, ha) He contracted the jock-itch from a crackwhore in Tijuana! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

CC: 304
Um... Did the rules say two panels unspoken, or just one?
Fuck if I know!

 

Say, "Ah"!
Aaaaaahhh!

 

You know what you need to get you up and moving? A couple of HOT cups of my freshly-brewed, world-famous coffee! What say you?
Well..?
Only if you pour them directly into my trashcan!

 

Uh, you were supposed to be watching over this guy, and now he's dead... This is not going to look good on your resume!
I know...
Fuck!

 

OH, YEAH? WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT TO MY FACE, ASSHOLE!!
OKAY! I WILL, CUNT-BREATH!!
WELL..?
I'm coming! Give me minute...

 

So... How's your job at the blood bank going?
I fell off the wagon today and got fired!
You SUCK!
We BOTH suck! What's your point?

 

How's your new job at the used kitty-litter processing plant?
I fell off the wagon and got fired!
Eating on the job again?
And, HOW! But, what got me fired was the boss hated my "shit-eating" grin!

 
C'mon, Stickboy! Put your hands in the air like you just don't care!
Dude... I just finished doing a kick-ass shoulder workout, and this is as high as I can raise my arms!
This has got to be the LAMEST random comic to date...

 

Day two at the veterinary college...
Whoopsy!
Now, can anyone tell the class how to avoid what just happened to me?
"Don't stand directly behind the donkey when giving it a tetanus shot in the ass?"
EGGS-zactly!

 
Are you mocking me, Poncho?
No, Senor Cristo!
Then, what the fuck are you doing?
Drying out my armpits!

 

Yo, dude... If, you AKS me, you need help!
That's so ironic! Your mother said the same thing just before I AXE'd her!

Showing page 13.

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