All comics by RandomComicLayoutGuy

Profile

 

How was school today, Lemuel?
Uh, dad... It's summertime, and school doesn't start again until September...
Really? Hmmm...
Besides... I'm 35 years old, and I already have my Ph.D. in astrophysics...
HEY, MA! LEMUEL'S SOME KIND OF ASTRONAUT, OR SOME STUPID SHIT LIKE THAT! DID YOU HEAR ME, MA?! MA?! MAAAAAAAAAAAA??
Dad! Mom died ten years ago! Remember? I've told you over and over: you gotta keep taking your pills. AND, WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE OFF THAT @#%$ MASK!!

 

Damn! I just got my contractor's license, and I've already fucked up!
Hopefully, I have enough time to fix the fuse box before the owner gets home...
"What the fuck happened to the lights? Step into my office, Butch, 'cuz YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!!"
Shit!

 

...then, I stuck my finger up his ass, and he said, "Wow! That's something new! I kinda like it!"
Cool!
What about you?
Well... I bent Francis over the coffee table, and shoved a cucumber up his ass! He screamed, "OUCH! THAT REALLY HURTS! MAKE IT STOP!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
I love that our boyfriends can't tell us apart!
Ditto!

 

Whew! Another busy season has come and passed!
Now, I realize it's great for the local economy when all the skiers pack the nearby taverns, and drink boatloads of beer ...
I just wish they wouldn't use the snow as a public restroom!

 

FERNANDO!
I told him bullfighting was dangerous, mama...
BUT... BUT...
But, what?
BUT, WHY DID THE BULL CHEW OFF FERNANDO'S NUTS?
It's tradition, mama! Like when a toreador removes the horns after he kills the bull...

 

YOUR... REQUEST... TO...SEE...THE... SUPREME...BEING... IS...DENIED!
But, I REALLY need to see him!
ACCESS...DENIED!!
Then, can I at least use the restroom? I gotta pinch one out BIG TIME!!
LEAVE...NOW...BEFORE... I...CUT...OFF...YOUR... NUTS!
Okay, okay! Sheeeshhhhh!

 

I...DENIED...ACCESS... FOR...ENTRY...TO... ANOTHER...TAX-PAYING...CITIZEN...OH... SUPREME...BEING!
Cool...
WHAT...SHALL...I... DO...NOW... MASTER?
Go cut the brake lines on Senator Leahy's limo...
I'M...ON...IT!
This is gonna be great! Heh, heh, heh... [snort]

 

Woah!
This is so fekking weird!
I'd better lay off the fermented goat's milk...

 

Check out all these rad seashells I found!
Ummm... You wanna put them back where you found them?
Ah, do I hafta?
Yes, you "hafta"!
Says who?
Says me, Esmerelda! Head of park maintenance here at "The Wicked Witch of the West's Water World Wonderland"!

 

Well... It's been nice working here! I'll see ya later...
I'm sorry to see you're leaving...
It was bound to happen sooner or later...
What was?
That management would check my references and figure out I never finished high school. Oh, and that I'm also a chicken...
Cock!

 

MUST HACK UP SNOWMAN!!
I say, ol'chap! Whatever for?
Well..?
NEED ICE FOR MARGARITA PARTY!!
Oh... Shit!

 

Hello out there in cyberland! My name is Big Red Cock...
But, you can call me "Big Red"...
Or, Cock'll do 'er, too! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA [buh-gawk!]

 

This is a message for all the new comic-strippers joining this website...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
This particular character has been the so-called "go-to guy" for first-timers...
Ow! Ow! Ow!
...and, although the comic value of him hammering a nail in his head is flippin' obvious, lay off him already for fuckssakes! Okay?
Ow! Ow! Puh-LEEEEZ! OWWWWWW!!!

 

Well... Have we lassooyed any of dem evil-doers in Falloojee yet?
Hold on, Mr. President...
C'mon, Dick... Pull my finger!
Ooooh... I loves this part! Heh, heh, heh! [snort]

 

Bee-bee bo beeple boop bee-bop?
Bee-boop bee-boople bebe beeple boop!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA [snort]

 

(Frankly, between you and I...)
(...this yahoo behind me wouldn't know a terrorist if one crossed the border from Mexico illegally, and shoved a suitcase nuke up his ass!)
Hey! Where's my mojeeto at? I'm mighty thirsty!
Coming right up, Mr. President...
Thank yew!

 

AAAAAAAHHH!
I SWEAR TO GOD! EVERYTHING AROUND HERE IS...
Waffles!
...HALF-ASS!!

 

...and, this is Ms. Prussy's classroom. Now, that's P-R-U-S-S-Y. Prussy. Don't forget the "R" in her name, got it?
Got it!
So, how long has Ms. Crunt been teaching here?

 

The time to hesitate is through...
No time to wallow in the mire...
Little known fact: in the early days of "The Doors", Jim Morrison was so shy, he would actually face away from the crowd when singing on stage!
C'mon, baby, light my fire!

 

CRACK!
Yee-OUCH!
What the hell you do that, fer?
'Cuz, you are one naughty hillbilly!
CRACK!!
Yeeeee-OUCH! HEY!!
You must submit to Madame Penguin! HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA [snort]

 

Dude... What were you thinking!
That's the problem... I wasn't! All I could see was images of fame and fortune!
Besides... Evel Knievel didn't make it either, and he made out all right...
Yeah... But, he tried to cross in a rocket; not on a moped, bonehead!
It's all I could afford!

 

...then, she stuck her finger in my ass, and it felt great! That was certainly new to me!
Jumanji!
How'd you make out?
Not so good... My bum still hurts from the cucumber Bambi shoved up it! At least the bleeding's stopped, though...
I just love the fact that our girlfriends can't tell us apart!
Yeah. Whee.

 

Hmmm... I wonder if she needs mah assistance...
May I help yew across the street?
Fuck off, Dubya!
Well, that wasn't very nice, mom!

 

Hey... Let's have an ugly contest!
Okay...
I win!
Again?

 

[ring, ring]
Hello?
Dude... Wazzup?
I'm taking a piss!
Ah 'ight... I'll call you later, Shaq!

 

Mee-mee mo mee moo moople!
Really? You don't say!
Moo-moo mee mo meeple moo me-meep mopple me moo!
I doubt that!
MEE-MEE MOO MO ME MOOPLE-MOOPLE!!
Okay! Okay! I believe you! Sheeeesshhh!

 

...pork sausage, pork sandwich, pork shishkabob...
...pork casserole, pork and beans, pork stew...
...pork waffles, pork skewers, pork tacos, and shrimp-fried pork. Any questions?
Yeah. Any of that kosher?

 
Dude... Quit clowning me!

 

Billy..?
Billy!
BREATHE, GODDAMMIT!!

 

AAAAAAAARRGGH!!!
Dammit, Dude! I hate it when you scare me like that!
You just caused my contacts to go up into my eyes!!
Sorry...
Ow! Ow! Ow!

 

It...
...wasn't...
...me!

 

Damn, Shaq!
That thing's longer than my arm!
I told you!

 

Ooh! Ouch! Ouch!
Honey..?
Ouch! Ouch! OUCH!
I'm so sorry! It'll never happen again!
OUCH! OUCH! YEE-OUCH!!
Can you at least stop fucking Shaq for one minute, and talk to me?

 

It's actually a relatively easy procedure...
I take one, HUGE bite...
... and, (voila!) instant flat stomach!
Go for it!

 

CRACK!
Yee-OUCH!
Oh, you're such a naughty robot!
No, I'm NOT!!
Don't talk back to Madame Penguin, or I'll crack you again!
Oh, please do! And, this time put some STANK on it!

 

Ha, ha ha... It's my old nemesis, Chuckaduck!
But, this time I've got the upper hand!
Quack?

 

Ho! Ho! Ho!
Shut up, fascist!
?
You've commandeered one of the holiest of religious celebrations, aka the birth of our Lord and Savior, and commercialized the shit out of it!
Are you STILL upset about not getting that Erector Set for Christmas back in '83?
Fuckin' A right, I am!

 

Ha!
That's fuggin' awesome, dude!
Where did you buy that funny-looking condom, Shaq?
Downtown, baby!

 

Oh, shit!
Butch! What did you do?
Nothing, Captain Roger...
I go to the aft bathroom to join the "Mile High Club" with Bambi the flight attendant, and when I come out, the roof of the airplane is missing!
I, um, thought I'd get an early start on those minor repairs you wanted me to do...
Not while we're in flight, bonehead!

 

*sniff*
GAH!
*sniff* *sniff*
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO VIOLATED!!
Hmmm... I think you need to lay off eating fish for awhile...
HOW COULD YOU!!

 

I just flew in from the North Pole, and, boy, are my arms tired!
HO! HO! HO!
GET OFF THE STAGE, FATSO!!

 

I'm sooooo sorry!
It was an accident! Really! Normally, I don't have such a strong reaction...
...but, that new haunted house ride really scared the shit out of me!

 

I swear!
These humans drive like monkeys...
...fucking!

 

Dude... This is some strong shit!
Jumanji!
The room's swirling, and you look like a big, fucking dinosaur, man!
Dude... Do me a flavor...
What's that?
Shut the fuck up, and let me drink my coffee in peace while I watch the wall breathe!

 

Hey... Watcha doing, mister?
Water! I...need...water!
Why? You growing some bud..?
*gasp*
That's fucking hot, dude!

 

...ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine, one hundred!
Ready or not, here I come!
Dude... You better not still be standing there. Again.

 

[ring, ring]
Yo!
Dude... Whatcha doing?
I'm getting ready to go to the Halloween party...
Good thing I caught you! It's been cancelled...
That sucks! But, at least I haven't put my costume on yet...

 

For this comic, my pal Lance here will translate for the poultry contingent...
Cluck cluck cluck cluck Lance cluck cluckity-cluck...
What's the difference between BigFrank105, and a big, veiny, sweaty cock?
Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck COCK cluck cluck-cluckity cluck cluck?
Nothing! Well, except the cock has a sense of humor! And BALLS!
Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck CLUCK!

 

D-d-dude! It's f-f-fuckin' f-f-freezin' out h-h-here!
Brrrrrrrrrr!
Do you remember earlier when you told me only "fags" wear trenchcoats?
Y-y-yes..?
HA!

 

This is horrible!
People should not drink and drive!
I'll drink to that!

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