All comics by Ranger77

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by Ranger77
12-25-05
He called. Twice. He says he needs to talk to you.
Here we go again. You told him he can just bite me right?
Bernie, seriously you can't keep denying who you are and what kind of people you attract.
Yes, I'm a burning bush. Yes, I'm THE burning bush. But it's not mandatory that I talk to Pat Robertson. Gimme a break.
Mel Gibson called today too....
Great....just peachy.

 

by Ranger77
12-25-05
It's an honor to speak to you. At last, we can begin our work....
Pat, I need you to stop calling here. I don't want to have anything to do with you or your organization.
I implore you....you must team up with me. I've said some....things over the past year that have been taken out of context. With you at my side, I can regain my relevance and credibility.
Pat, look.....I don't like you. I don't like what you represent. Give me one reason why I should even consider this??
Tom Cruise has enlisted agents from Planet 12. Mexicans!! And they may be NINJAS!! Now do you see the importance of what I'm saying??
Pat, please tell me you're not naked in an EconoLodge, looped up on Vodka and Viagara again....

 

by Ranger77
12-26-05
Many, Many, MANY years ago.....
Well there he goes. He's got the tablets. Things will change.
Finally people will embrace belief. Yes, peace at last. I guess I'll stick around to see it happen.
Which explains some things about the present day....
Some guy from Bob Jones University is on the phone. He wants you to speak at a fundraiser but requests "you leave that smart ass black kid" at home.
No.

 

by Ranger77
12-27-05
I imagine it must be hard. You were the greatest spokesperson ever and now every idiot wants to use you.
Yes. I mean I liked the attention at first, but now....
Maybe you need to refocus. Millions have seen "The Ten Commandments" and that dramatic scene that made you so popular. Consider what that means.
The effect that it had on countless Jews and Christians AND that I can be a unifying voice in a chaotic world?
No. Royalties.
Ah....

 

by Ranger77
12-27-05
Please, "Bush"....you've got to come on the 700 Club with me!
Ok, Pat, Ok. I do have some conditions.
Anything. Name it.
You must forasake your fortune and dedicate your life to loving all people, sinners and saints. All this, mind you, for the glory of God.
Are you out of your frickin' mind!?
That was too easy. I've got to ask that monk for advice more often....wait, did he actually say "frickin?"

 

by Ranger77
12-28-05
B, why is Chuck on the floor laughing hysterically?
His Xmas bonus wasn't as big as he expected.
Oookay....so what's so funny about that?
He was a bit sad about that so I brought up Britney Spears' husband's website on my laptop and let him see it. His rap/hip hop album is coming out soon.
http://www.kevinfederline.com. Your funny bone will thank you!
That was a bit excessive.
Yeah, but 'tis the season....

 

by Ranger77
12-28-05
What's up, B?
I just found this new parody website on the internet, Kevinfederline.com. It's hilarious!
Federline? Isn't he Britney's boy toy?
Yeah, but this site is SO funny. It even has a link to 'his' MySpace page. I'm glad it's not real. "Dont let the haters stop you from doin' yo thang." Man....funny stuff.
B....I think that's his REAL website and his real MySpace page. I don't think they're meant to be funny.
Yeah, right. He talks about his fans. His FANS, mind you. That is some priceless shit. If only we had writers like that....

 

by Ranger77
12-28-05
Celebrities with MySpace pages....makes me wonder how involved they are with such things.
I don't know. Most celebs nowadays tend to have a bit of internet savvy....
Kev....my publicist told me to check out some 'url' on the Internet. How do you spell url?
H-T-T-P, babe. God, I'm smart AND talented too. Boo-YAH!

 

by Ranger77
12-28-05
Like you guys didn't see this coming. Trey McTrevor, reality show stud and celebrity wannabe wants to comment on our recent comics.
Thanks...Kid. I'm pretty pissed about your depiction of the Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. Especially the implication that celebrities are not involved in the internet.
Trey, I'm sure they're involved but its ludicrous to think they actually update blogs, websites and MySpace pages themselves.
We do. WE are a new type of celebrity. Socially responsible AND technically aware. Believe that.
Ok....
And remember, if you get an email about Bill Gates conducting an email forwarding experiment, please pass it on. It will help us all....

 

by Ranger77
12-29-05
Ah, ShadowDwarf. You've returned from your mission. Tell me of this NEW evil organization that threatens our turf.
It's worse than we thought, sir. They're using trojan horse programs and rootkits to comprimise computers all over the world.
Ingenious.
It gets worse. With their "urban occupation" projct they are actually putting up graffiti in cities and low income areas with cleverly disguised propaganda tailored to their cause.
Damn those SONY bastards.
All this time, the world was concerned with WMDs when it was the UMD that was da shit....

 

by Ranger77
12-30-05
I CANNOT believe that SONY is threatening our position as the most evil organization in the world.
Come on, sir. DEMONient really hasn't been doing any REAL crimes lately. All we've been doing is this corporate crap: Inflated prices, suckering consumers, creating artificial demand....
Do you realize the stupidity of what you just said yet, or should I wait a bit until you do?
Sorry, lost it for a second there.

 

by Ranger77
12-30-05
I can't believe it. I'm actually having a crisis of leadership. SONY could crush us.
I need advice, and there's only one meglomaniacal individual who's more cunning and more focused on world domination than they are....
GATES! Your counsel is requested.
Was wondering when you'd get around to calling me.

 

by Ranger77
12-30-05
*sigh* Ok. What do I do?
Sony is a Japanese company. They're big on business realtionships and meetings. Reach out to them and request a dialogue. Meet the enemy head-on.
The thought of discussion with those cretins sickens me.
In today's business world you must use tact and skill. If you show emotion, you will fail. There is no room for anger. You must execute.
Fine. By the way I hear that the IPOD is still selling pretty well. It's a shame you didn't think of it.
Fuck those cocksuckers at Apple!! I WILL make Steve Jobs my bitch!! I will!! You wait and see...!!

 

by Ranger77
12-30-05
Well, some USA-based peon of that blasted company is coming over to talk to me. I should just slay him and be done with it.
"LEADER. THE REPRESENTATIVE FROM SONY IS HERE."
Oh well. What was it that Gates said about greeting the Japanese? Bow, read the business card, bow....geez, what nonsense.
"ANNOUNCING MR. CHARLES YAMURA. SENIOR LEGAL DIRECTOR OF EVIL DEEDS. HE PREFERS TO BE CALLED C-DOG."
C-Wha...?
Yo, yo, yo Whadd-UP! S-Town in da HOUSE! Dai-yum, what happened to your face, homey?

 

by Ranger77
12-31-05
C-Dog.
'sup.
You're Asian.
Word.
You actually think this contrived and disingenuous urban act will play favorably to African Americans?
Bump that, dog. We goin' after the "Caucasian Persuasion." They eat this shit up like Michael Moore on a ham sandwich, know what I'm sayin'? Like MTV on a Friday night! S-TOWN IN DA HIZZIE!!

 

by Ranger77
12-31-05
Well, "C-Dog", my concern is that our respective organizations are working towards the same goal: World Domination. It's inevitable that we might run into each others plans.
Yo, I understand. But you gotta understand this. We doin' our thing and you doing your thing. But sometimes your thing will become our thing 'cause you in our shit.
And y'all don't need to be in our shit when we doin' our thing even though it might have been your thing. We keep our shit tight and we don't need you doin' your thing and gettin' in it. 'aight?
I'm guessing this conversation is pretty much over.
We just keeping it real, G.

 

by Ranger77
1-01-06
Ok. We agree to compete then. Just remember, DEMONient finishes what it starts.
Peep this, at Sony we have a saying: "you shouldn't mess with the bull, if you don't want to deal with the horns."
We take no prisoners, nor do we show mercy.
Yo, when we come, we come hard.
That didn't sound right did it?

 

by Ranger77
1-03-06
That Sony bastard "C-Dog" is gone. I tried to have him killed before he left our lair, but the cur distracted the minons by showing a preview trailer of Metal Gear Solid 4.
Clever. Sony will prove to be a formidable enemy.
It's their desire to rule the world that worries me. That and their tactics to limit the choices people have through monopolistic methods and deceptive marketing.
I'm glad I don't have to worry about that from you, Gates.
Who me? Naah. You can always trust me and, more importantly, trust Microsoft.....

 

by Ranger77
1-04-06
Yahoo News (via AP) - January 4, 2006
Young man! I have discovered the largest known prime number! After many long hours and obscene amounts of computing power I've done it!!
Great. Now add 2.
Shit.
Sorry. It's a habit.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Yahoo (via Reuters) -1/18/06 "Couple get 9 years prison for Wendy's finger scam"
Yes, my clients readily admit that pretending to find a severed finger in a cup of Wendy's chili was not a very smart thing to do. They are very, VERY sorry.
Seriously....they do feel bad because Wendy's has always been their family's favorite restaurant.
But look at it this way....at least it wasn't a toe.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Dude I thought you would appreciate me taking a stand and becoming more political.
My son, wearing Che Guevara boxers only proves you're susceptible to youth oriented marketing.
But....it's Che.
He was a violent man with questionable motives. Wait here....I have a shirt that will reflect you as a person instead of a consumer.
Heh. Nice SpongeBob shirt, Asswedge.
When the revolution comes you will not be spared.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Why am I here? Superheroes should not have to go to bars to meet guys. This is SO lame.
Hey there. I would like to date you. First let me tell you about myself. I developed the function which prevents people from fast forwarding through DVD previews and FBI anti piracy warnings.
My hobbies include reading the drive thru menu aloud ten times at Taco Bell before ordering and calling my friends "bro" and "homey". Smashmouth is the best band EVER.
You're one of those freaks who get off on getting beat up by female superheros aren't you?
The anger in your eyes bespeaks the chubby in my pants.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Can you spot the foof?!

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Super Fun Activity Page?? What the hell was all that about?! And what's a "foof"?
Market research says that we should reach out to a younger demographic. Kids like goofy foolish characters. Goof + Fool = Foof.
He seems kinda creepy.
Yeah, you should have seen the other candidates.
Sorry. You're out. Your mom wouldn't sign the release.
Crap.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Stay back!

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
I'm an energy being. I will kill off some of your crew and take over your ship until you discover a ironically simple but creative way to destroy me.
*sigh* Great.
I'm a creature from another dimension that looks curiously like characters from Greek mythology. I will take over your ship and the minds of your crew before you defeat me.
Sure. Whatever.
I'm a horny space vixen. I want to take over your ship, but first....do me. Right here, right now.
Yesss!

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Well?
If we do something, we will interfere with this civilization and violate the Prime Directive.
You sure?
Yes, Captain. Any display of technology will dramatically alter the development of these people.
Woo-HOO! I'd better get more phasers then.
Rock on.

 

by Ranger77
1-18-06
Ummm....Romulan?
I'm Vulcan you idiot. Relax.
Whew that's good because you guys really do look alike. I mean...I'm not a racist or anything. I used to play basketball with Vulcans and....
Foof.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
I am a sentient computer. Do not fear me. I can do alot of things that will benefit you.
I can improve the efficency of this ship, perform repairs, upgrade the impulse engines, increase your warp factor....
*sigh* Fuck it. Too much work. I think I'll just try to take over the ship.
See?! Didn't I tell you?! Why do you guys keep falling for this stuff!!

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
So, do you like what you see, Captain?
Well?
I think so, but why the hell are you so blurry?!

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
Well?
We seem to be trapped behind a harmonic resonance field.
I may be able to alter the Tricorder's power supply by using these crystals I found to emit a low level circular sonic pulse that will cancel the resonator's effect and free us from this cave.
You're making this shit up aren't you?
Most definitely.

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
Da da da-da-da-da da da-da dah DAH!
Oof!
Da da da-da-da-da da da-da dah DAH!
Ah!
Da da da-da-da-da da da-da....
Wee!
Kill the music for a minute....Is this guy going to fight me or is he just going to keep tumbling around like an idiot?!

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
"Ensign Luser....listen carefully. That creature might have killed over 100 miners in a horrible way, but it was just protecting its young. Use restraint."
NO. KILL. I.
Kiss. My. ASS!

 

by Ranger77
1-19-06
Ok, first I should have knocked before I came in.
NNNNN!
Second, I didn't know they made those kind of dolls with pointed ears.
UH! UH! UH!
And lastly, will you please tell me when you go into this Vulcan heat thing next time so I can just stay the hell away from you. Please.
Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Who's your paternal parental unit....!!!

 

by Ranger77
1-20-06
I'm sorry but we have to discontinue the "Beginners" series.
Are you insane?! We were just getting warmed up.
Bill, it was a good run, but the Star Trek thing is getting kind of old and WAY too geeky. But, we might bring it back....maybe do a "Next Generation" thing. We're doing some test strips right now.
Yeah. Good Luck. You don't have any ST:TNG characters on Stripcreator. Who could you possibly get to do Patrick Stewart....?
Make it go, Number One!
"So," Abe. The line is "Make it SO." God, I hate this geekboy crap.

 

by Ranger77
1-20-06
For my first strip I thought I'd introduce you to Sarah. Say hello, Sarah.
Hiya!
Sarah is a single twenty something woman who is desperate to have a child before 30. To that end she frequents multiple online dating sites to find a husband and goes on 10 different dates a week.
Lots of times it's a chore. I'd rather be with a friend or alone than hook up with another stranger. But then the image of baby booties pops into my mind, and I'm out the door!
With that said, let's proceed to the real point of this strip. A demonstration of a series of martial arts moves that I like to call, "Let's slap around Sarah until she gets some common sense."
Uh, wait a minute.....

 
by Ranger77, 1-20-06

 

by Ranger77
1-23-06
Dad all we did was play D&D. I thought you would be glad I was away from the PC.
It's just....I don't want you to be obsessed over things that aren't real and not important.
We only played a couple of times.
Doesn't matter, son. The problem with kids today is that they lose they grasp on reality with all this gaming nonsense.
Just out of curiousity, when you invite your friends over for your Fantasy Football draft next year, will you dress in suits and hold mock press conferences afterwards like last time?
Probably, why?

 

by Ranger77
1-23-06
Hey, Dad.
Oh my God!! What are you doing!?!
Umm....playing a game on my Xbox.
What kind of garbage.....?! Should you really be playing this?!! This is profane! How can companies release trash like this and let it fall into the hands of children!!
Dad, It's Madden 06.
You're playing a West Coast Offense and starting a rookie QB who was a 6th round pick! You're grounded. End of story.

 

by Ranger77
1-23-06
The problem with my Dad is that he just refuses to understand that I LIKE gaming. It's what I do.
Typical. My folks are the same way. It's worse for girls.
He just doesn't get it. I mean, these aren't the twitch and move games that he grew up with in the 80's.
I know. The good ones have alot of depth and you can actually learn useful things from some of them that could apply to your everyday life.
BTW, if you I wouldn't move your squad to that waypoint without some supression fire.
I'm not going there. I mined that bridge and set up a couple of snipers at the chokepoints near the river. It's not the best killzone, but it'll do.

 

by Ranger77
1-24-06
So what do you think of my costume, son? I decided that I would wear this at my annual SuperBowl party this year.
It's amazing. The fact that someone thought holding a SuperBowl here in Detroit was a good idea is still more disturbing than anything you could possibly do.
So....that means you like it right?

 

by Ranger77
1-24-06
What's the matter with you?
Corporations, man. They ruin everything. I heard Disney wants to buy Pixar. That's just so wrong.
Wow, you're really upset.
Damn right. It's my favorite candy. Disney will probably raise the price too. Bastards!
"Pixar Stix." What a foof. You didn't correct him did you?
Nope. It was the most pissed I've seen him since he finished Halo 2. I let him run with it.

 

by Ranger77
1-25-06
So Dad, you know how sometimes your mind lets you see things based on how you feel about them?
I guess.
Well?
You took off that clown makeup yesterday didn't you?
I certainly did. Savin' it for the SuperBowl party. Why do you ask?

 

by Ranger77
1-25-06
Can I borrow your credit card? I want to join FilePlanet. I need to get a game patch and the public servers are too slow.
Absolutely not. Waste of money and time.
Ok....I lied. I want to join a porn site but I didn't know how to tell you.
My BOY! Well if that's the case use the one on my desk. Why didn't you tell me that to begin with??
Dude your dad is screwed up. But at least you've got a FilePlanet Founder's Club membership now. It's kinda stupid you had to lie about wanting porn to get it.
Who lied? At 19.95 a month Danni.com isn't exactly cheap...

 

by Ranger77
1-25-06
porn.
This is SO neat. We can watch our baby in day care over their nursery webcam. Hey precious!
porn.
That's cute. He's trying to say corn. It's his favorite food maybe? Corn, baby, corn!
I'm saying PORN you idiot! I haven't had seen a tit since you dropped me off in this hellhole and this screen saver thing ain't doing it for me.

 

by Ranger77
1-25-06
Calm down, Chuck. I'm checking it out right now.
I'm pissed, dude! Somebody has been ON my computer and going to some pretty freaky sites.
Ok, I got the history up. Barefootasia.com, smutgremlins.com, bignaturals.com, onlinebootycall.com, bindher.com, feetdreams.com, amputee porn....what the hell is clown porn??
Keep going....
Care-bears.com?
That's it! Sick shit, dude. I mean really what the FUCK!

 

by Ranger77
1-25-06
I find I need to remind everyone of our Internet Usage policy. As a result the content filters on our proxies will block access to all websites about 80's era afternoon cartoons from now on.
Websites about Transformers and The Centurions are excluded from this new policy for obvious reasons.

 

by Ranger77
1-27-06
I can't believe that everytime I see my Dad, my mind makes him look like he's a clown.
Maybe you just have a strong imagination about people that have influence in your life.
I guess. It's still a bit disturbing.
Well, its only confined to your Dad so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Wanna go play Battlefront?
Give me sec, ok.
If you're seeing me nude or in my underwear get over it, and lets go kill Jawas.

 

by Ranger77
1-27-06
There is something wrong about all this stuff they've scheduled around the SuperBowl. A bunch of private parties and people who want to be seen.
Son, we should be honored they're holding a SuperBowl here in Detroit. Besides, REAL sports fans don't go to those exclusive parties.
Look at this....Jenna Jameson is going to be here with a bunch of porn stars and dancers. General admimission is $500 and VIP access is $1000!.
No one cares about all that stuff. It's all about the game and the honorable tradition of football. Superbowl weekend I know where I'll be.
A GRAND!? Ted, that's alot of money. I thought Superbowl Friday we were going to hang out at Hooters and watch highlights from last season.
Screw that....It's Jenna freakin' Jamison!! Football highlights?? Are you insane?!

 

by Ranger77
1-28-06
Mount Clemens, MI - Jan 29 10:35pm
I'm glad you could come see us "Kid." You have a good reputation among those in our.....organization.
Yeah. Thanks.
We understand you are interested in working for us. We could use your....services.
To tell you the truth, I'm a bit conflicted.
That's to be expected. We affect millions of lives, but no one truly understands us or how we....operate. Do YOU have any questions?
To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out why all the drama over an Assistant Manager position at McDonalds....

Showing page 13.

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