All comics by boloboffin

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by boloboffin
8-22-09
So apparently birthers aren't satisfied with asking to see Obama's Hawaii birth certificate.
Please shut up.
Now they're questioning the circumsicion practices of Hawaiian hospitals.
So that's what they mean when they say they want to see his long form...

 

by boloboffin
9-05-09
My mommy's giving me a bath, so maybe you could come back later?

 

by boloboffin
9-05-09
Mommy, what does #@X*&! spell?
So she told me...

 

by boloboffin
10-17-09
Of course relationships suck!
I guess.
My back itches.

 

by boloboffin
10-21-09
God, I am beat. Time for bed.
I thought we were bursting forth and reclaiming Earth as our domain tonight?
Can't that wait until the next millenium or so? We just got finished feeding the shuggoths and I'm wasted.
...
Oh, fuck me. I'm sorry for having needs of my own.
This is why we never do anything.

 

by boloboffin
11-18-09
So I was going to pick up a friend of mine at a hotel, and she'd just sent me a message that said "20 minutes?"
And so I get to the hotel and I'm sitting there an hour and a half later, when I realize, oh, yeah.
I forgot to run that through my Woman Translator and add the extra hours.

 

by boloboffin
11-18-09
I mean, seriously, ladies, what the hell? Why are men always having to wait on your asses? Well, beside the obvious...
But it can't be all about the pussy. You make your gay friends wait on you, too! What, is it some sort of status symbol?
That's it. You give yourselves little bonus points in the Great Sorority Wall Chart of Life - how long any random man will wait on your ass.

 

by boloboffin
11-18-09
You give out Girl Scout merit badges for Man Waiting. I can just see those requirements now.
"1. Find a way to make your daddy wait on you and time each step of his emotional breakdown with a stopwatch."
"2. Discuss at your next slumber party how any man who really loved you would wait for you at least as long as your daddy."

 

by boloboffin
11-18-09
"3. Choose three different boys at school and promise to do their homework. From a safe distance, time how long each will wait at the pre-arranged meetup."
"If any boy waits longer than your daddy, consult with your Den Leader."
Mrs. Dwinkle, Tommy waited on me for three and an half hours! What does that mean?
It means you own him forever.

 

by boloboffin
11-18-09
So then she finally comes out of the hotel, baggage guy trailing behind her, and she's upset because she couldn't find me.
And I told her, "You know, when I sent you a message saying I was in the loading zone just to the right as you come out the front door...
"...you should have run that through your Man Translator and realized I would be in the loading zone just to the right as you come out the front door."

 
by boloboffin, 11-24-09

 

by boloboffin
11-27-09
Remember Tammi from High School? She started stripping at the Triple XXXtacy.
I can't understand why girls take off their clothes at those places.
Duh, they do it for the money.
Money?? Tammi Marshall is taking off her clothes for money?
But I have money...

 

by boloboffin
12-11-09
Welcome to the Bible Bookstore. How can I help you?
I'd like to buy an Bible for my wife and get it engraved.
Sure. Hey, we just got these new Kwanzaa Study Bibles and devotionals!
Why would I want any of that?

 

by boloboffin
12-21-09
What kind of dumb ass photocopies his butt?
Baby, you ought to know I've done worse.
What could be worse than getting fired after your boss catches you straddling the copy machine?
Well, that's just great. Who put the grenade into the deceased?
*whistling*

 

by boloboffin
3-20-10
He gave the Sermon on the Mount from a valley.
He sat on a drachma and shot a booger outa Caeser's nose.
They only got him on the cross by putting a sweet roll on the top.

 

by boloboffin
3-21-10
I woked up very sad this morning 'cause I don't 'member anybody kissing me good night last night.
My ass feels kinda sore, though.
Bil, if you don't leave off the roofies, I'm going to cut you in your sleep!

 

by boloboffin
5-27-10
Heaven preserve us! They're going to let gays serve openly in the armed forces!
Well, if they want to serve their country...
They don't want to serve their country! They want to fellate unsuspecting soldiers while they sleep in their bunks!
How awful!
Is this where I sign up to join the army?

 

by boloboffin
8-03-10
I was born, became an actor, became a preacher, smoked some crack, came out of the closet, became an actor, sailed around the world, and became a closed captioner!
Awesome!
Then Crabby started Comic Cup XIV.
Okeedoke.

 

by boloboffin
8-03-10

 

by boloboffin
8-03-10

 

by boloboffin
8-03-10

 

by boloboffin
8-03-10
To Be Continued...

 

by boloboffin
12-10-10
Not having a very good year here, folks.
My imaginary lover forgot my birthday.
Whoa, I thought that was next month.
You have ONE JOB. ONE.

 

by boloboffin
12-12-10
Vagina! Vagina, where are you? Come here, girl!
Dude, what the fuck?
What? I'm just looking for Vagina.
Seriously?
Yeah, it's bathtime again. But every time I draw the water, that stinky old Vagina runs off.

 

I'm Abe Vigoda, and I've felt better.
by boloboffin, 12-12-10

 

by boloboffin
12-29-10
You see, a banana is a perfect example of God's creation. It's shaped perfectly to fit in your hand.
It has a non-slip surface. It tastes great. It peels back easily. It's the perfect shape for the human mouth.
That's amazing. It's just like a penis.
Of course, you can't peel every penis back these days... But you could when God made them!

 

by boloboffin
1-12-11
And now some discarded lines from Sarah Palin's self-martyrdom speech from earlier today:
Whoa, whoa, lieberals! Why the long knives?
Hello, my Jewish friends! Say, if you're not going to use that oven, do you mind if I do?
OK, after that last one, even I have to take a shower.... ah, fuck.

 

by boloboffin
2-09-11
I am so totally gay for mixed martial arts and the UFC right now.
I thought you were totally gay for, like, dudes.
You stole that line from a web comic.
So?
I'm telling.

 

by boloboffin
2-20-11
Two days ago at the Williams-Sonoma website...
No one can match the Breville Countertop Convection Oven for ease of use...
If that toaster oven were a woman, I'd go straight for it.
Today in my email box...
Thanks for your interest in the Breville Countertop Convection Oven!
You're welcome, Williams-Sonoma, but how did you know it was me surfing your website?
Buy it right now, lizard boy, or we send video of you surfing Pornotube Latino to your Bible College Facebook friends.
Let me just get my credit card...

 

by boloboffin
2-23-11
HEY! You may not ever have heard of me, but I created all of this plus you, you're breaking all my rules, and I'm PISSED about it!
Oh... kay....
Boy, are you in luck. I'm his son, and I bled out to stop him from smacking you around, so it's all good.
Oh. Well, thanks, I guess...
No worries, he got better. Now, about giving me a healthy portion of all your available cash from here on out...
The only way this deal could be better is if I wind up spending eternity praising the psycho in the first panel.

 

by boloboffin
6-22-11
The poo goes IN the pottie, not over here or there.
It doesn't go on curtains. It doesn't go in hair.
And when you poo right in your pants, it has to feel quite odd. IN the pottie, IN the pottie! For the love of God!

 

by boloboffin
6-22-11
You may have noticed cows feel free to poo upon the plain.
And, yes, our cousin chimpanzees view potties with disdain.
Only humans like ourselves have taken up the chore...
...to never, never, please, God, ever poo upon the floor.

 

by boloboffin
7-23-11
Amy Winehouse?
Yes, yes, it's finally me. Go ahead, the mic is all yours.
For what?
That I died doing what I love (heroin), that I REALLY didn't want to go to rehab. You must have a million of them.
I'm just glad Elton John can finally release "Crackpipe in the Wind."
rrrrrrr

 

by boloboffin
7-26-11
I'm naming my new phone the Titanic.
Every time it syncs, only a third of the information is saved.

 

by boloboffin
8-18-11
Hey, did ya see the pictures of Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann eating a corndog?
Yes, and they're stupid. I'm much more worried about what's coming out of their mouth.
But they're doing Bachmann and Perry porn titles on Twitter! "Girth of a Nation," "Shaving Mr. Goodhair"...
It's childish and it doesn't do anything but feed our liberal superiority complex and rally their bases!
"Corndoggin'."

 

by boloboffin
11-16-11
The drain in the bathroom sink isn't swallowing!
You're kidding me, right? Swallowing? Are you trying to make it this ea
King Features Headquarters
*gasp* Oh, God, the pain! The pain! AAAAUUGHhhhh...

 

by boloboffin
11-17-11
Dr. Douglas Schwarz GASTROENTEROLOGIST
I don't want to be one of them. It's too hard to spell.
Dr. Douglas Schwarz GASTROENTEROLOGIST
Heh. Well, gastroenterologist is kind of a long word...
No, Dad, fucking Jew names.

 

by boloboffin
11-22-11
Well, the bad news is that my car radio got jacked back in the spring and I haven't been able to replace it.
The good news is I'm not hearing "Christmas Shoes" five times an hour.

 

Then the Virgin Mary whipped out a tit and lactated St. Bernard clear across the room!
by boloboffin, 11-28-11

 

by boloboffin
12-15-11
How am I gonna get this bat out of my house?
ABE VIGODA!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought you were dead!!!
AHHHHHH!!!!!

 

by boloboffin
1-02-12
Yes?
At long last! I don't mean to interfere with your life, but you're my father!

 

by boloboffin
3-13-12
About an hour into the visit...
Here, honey, take my credit card and go fill up your car with gasoline.
Memaw! I'm 44 years old. You don't need to fill up my car with gas. Thank you, but that's OK.
An hour later...
Here, honey, you want this chair? I don't hardly ever sit in it. Just take it and put it in your car trunk.
Memaw! Don't -- I don't need your chair! What are we going to fight over after you pass over? Thanks, but that's OK.
An hour later...
Well, thanks for coming! *hug* *slipping me $5*
Thanks, Memaw. Love you.

 

by boloboffin
3-28-12
Here, honey, I found this great framed print of Picasso's "The Dream" you can have.
Thanks, Mom!
Easy to see what she's dreaming about. There's a penis on her face!
Oh, wow. How about that?
Your dad and I counted four penises in the picture! We hope you enjoy it.
How could I not? Thanks, Mom.

 

Nibble on the end of it.
by boloboffin, 3-28-12

 

by boloboffin
4-11-12
So George Zimmerman's brother has said Trayvon was holding his brother down, bashing his head into the pavement...
...struggling for the gun, and now holding his hands over George's nose and mouth.
No wonder George had to shoot him. I'd be afraid of some guy in the dark with eight arms, too.

 

by boloboffin
7-13-12
Hey, Osama, I thought of another way people could tell us apart from now on.
Really? Lay it on me, Obama.
I could get used to this.

 

by boloboffin
8-05-12

 

GALE CRATER I AM IN YOU!
You're also on my cat.
by boloboffin, 8-05-12

 

Why don't you ever talk to me?
by boloboffin, 12-23-13

 

by boloboffin
12-27-13
In celebration of last year's movie of Les Miserables, December 27 was officially made "Les Miz Karaoke Day."
Yep, it's "Les Miz Karaoke Day" today!
Whoo-hoo!
And so in karaoke clubs across the land --
"I dreamed a dream in time gone..."
That worked out pretty well, don't you think?
Mmmm, we better do "Bohemian Rhapsody Karaoke Day" next year just to be sure.

Showing page 13.

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