All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
5-21-04
I can't stand my sister-in-law, she's so two-faced.
Look at the bright side...
Before your brother is done with her, he'll probably buy her two or three more.

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-04
Is it still happy hour?
Yes.
Then I'll have two more pitchers of Coors Light.
That'll be six bucks.
Hang on, I think I dropped my wallet when I fell.

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-04
What did you do over the weekend?
I tried out a new lube.
Then I rode long and hard until my butt was too sore to continue.
I wonder what he has against bicycling.

 

by choadwarrior
5-22-04
What's on your vegetarian pizza?
Mozzarella, onions, black olives, green peppers, mushrooms, artichokes, and tomatoes.
What's on your house salad?
Mozzarella, onions, black olives, green peppers, mushrooms, artichokes, and tomatoes.

 

by choadwarrior
5-23-04
What has better resale value--the Honda Odessy or the Dodge Caravan?
I really have no idea.
But you worked for a car company.
So?
So you should know something about cars.
Not the kind you put kids in--that's gross.

 

by choadwarrior
5-24-04
How come you raised the price of your tandoori chicken combo?
It was just a temporary promotion to get customers to come in during our grand opening.
That's fucked up, man. It was like five bucks before, now it's like seven.
What would you like to order?
I'll have the tandoori chicken combo.

 

by choadwarrior
5-25-04
Can I see your I.D. please?
Oh no! I left it at the gun range.
That's okay, you can go in.
I wish I would have thought of that excuse before I turned 21!

 

by choadwarrior
5-25-04
You should have been at the seminar for new teachers last night--we had the oldest full-time teacher in America--she's 92.
Ninety-two! What does she teach.
Sex ed.
You're kidding me.
No, really--she teaches it up in Los Angeles.
Sounds like aversion therapy.

 

by choadwarrior
5-26-04
One thing I hate is having the kitchen help at a restaurant sing Happy Birthday to me.
Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you...
God, this waitress is as old as dirt.
This happened when I was fifteen.
Happy birthday deeeeeeeear.... help me out here..... deeeeeear....
Eric.
It was the last time my family was allowed to tell the restaurant it was my birthday.
Harry--Happy birthday to you!

 

by choadwarrior
5-27-04
o/' o/' Oh, I never should have settled down, hanging around in a one-horse town o/' o/'
Oooh! I love this song.
HEY IF ANYONE LIKES THIS SONG AS MUCH AS I DO AND WANTS TO KNOW WHAT CD IT IS ON, I HAVE IT--IT'S THE THRILLS!
***Security--Aisle Three, please. Security--Aisle Three, please***

 

by choadwarrior
5-29-04
Oh, sick--you people really do sell fish tacos here. That sounds so gross. I thought my friends were joking and that fish taco was just another word for pussy.
They are very good.
What kind of fish do you use?
Either tuna or red snapper.
Now I know you're fucking with me.

 

by choadwarrior
5-30-04
I'll be right back, I have to pee.
Ohhhh...thank god.
FART
Um...I'm still in here.
It's times like this when I wish I had a dog to blame.

 

by choadwarrior
5-30-04
George Lucas, what are you going to do after you complete the Star Wars series?
I have an exciting idea that could easily surpass my earlier work.
Sounds exciting.
Yes, in developing the main character, I've drawn on my thirty years of experience in writing and directing action adventure movies.
With your track record for success, I can't wait.
I call him Shortround Binks.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
I need you to do the dishes and clean up your bathroom.
That's women's work.
There is no such thing as men's work and women's work.
Then how come my sister doesn't have to mow the lawn?
Because that's men's work--do the dishes now or I won't give you your allowance.
Someday, I'll look back at this and realize it's what turned me into a whore.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
I said you couldn't leave the table until you finished everything on your plate--I see you're still chewing your meat.
It's not good.
You've had the same piece of meat in your mouth for 45 minutes--there can't possibly be any taste left in it.
Any other piece of meat would have disolved by now--this one is so much fat and gristle, I can't break it up.
EEEEEEEEAT!

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
Did you throw snowballs at the girls down the street.
Yes.
Their father complained, now I want you to write a letter of apology.
Yes--I'll tell them I'm sorry they're such whiny little bitches and that I'm even more sorry that they have such a douchebag father.
Later...
Before you deliver the letter, I want to read it.
Before you do, I want you to understand I sincerely mean every word of it.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
How come you didn't sign up for the after-school sports program? I thought you liked it.
I did until we stopped playing floor hockey and tee-ball and only played soccer every day.
It won't be like that--we'll have a variety.
Ok.
LISTEN UP! I know how you all love soccer, so we're only going to play that for the next six weeks.
I wonder if I don't participate if mom will mind spending all that money on registration.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
I don't see your name on the schedule after today--be sure to sign up for more Sundays.
I'm quitting.
You can't quit.
Why not?
Nobody's ever quit before.
In that case, you can write my name anywhere you like on the schedule, but I'll be working from home from now on.

 

by choadwarrior
5-31-04
So that's the only childhood battle you won?
No, there are plenty more.
So why don't you tell us about them?
Out of respect for my parents.
These will remain top secret until they're dead.

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-04
You refer to everyone by nicknames...what do you call me behind my back.
Oh, nothing.
I know you better than that--what is it?
It's actually an acronym.
What is it?
Um...it stands for The Wacko Accounting Technician.

 

by choadwarrior
6-01-04
How come you haven't RSVP'd for the party I'm having for my son's Eagle Scout award?
I can't go.
I've been talking about this party for two years now! How come you can't go?
Because the Boy Scouts have spent millions defending their discriminatory practices and yet they still benefit from tax-supported programs.
That was a lot easier than saying I didn't think it would be any fun.

 

by choadwarrior
6-02-04
Where you from, mate?
Sout' London.
Thout' London? Ith there no T-H in Thouth London?
Apparently there's two sets in your mouth, you twat.

 

by choadwarrior
6-06-04
I'm going to make you and other male prisoners strip naked then I'm going to take pictures of you all piled on top of each other.
In the name of Allah, why?
It's just sort of a fantasy of mine.
Infidel, you put the Mary in Marines.

 

by choadwarrior
6-06-04
This kitchen really lacks adequate storage space. Since we're on a budget, I suggest you add a hanging pot rack.
That idea won't work.
No, it will really clear up your cabinet space.
Yeah, but then I'll have to make sure they're clean before I put them away.

 

by choadwarrior
6-07-04
I see you posted on the union bulletin board a notice to boycott R.J. Reynolds' cigarettes.
R.J. Reynolds has anti-union policies, so we're showing our union brothers that we care about them by honoring the boycott.
That's a bit short-sighted.
What do you mean?
If you really cared about your union brothers, you'd advise them to boycott all brands of cigarettes because they're deadly.
We don't care about their lives, just their livelihood.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-04
I like drinking wine with you because you can appreciate the subtle distinctions in the flavors.
Sometimes, while drinking with less sophisticated friends, I'll say something like, "Oooh, that's a nice vanilla nose," and they'll look at me all funny.
I feel like such a pretentious ass.
Wait--that's why I drink wine.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-04
If you feel distracted, disorganized, and unable to concentrate, you may have Adult ADD.
Hmmm...that kind of sounds like me.
Go to our website, www.adultADD.com and take a simple test to find out.
I'm going to do that right now.
It's time for Ikea's twice-a-year sale!
Yup, I'm going to Ikea right now.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-04
You shouldn't walk around without shoes on.
I'm used to it.
You might cut your feet.
Or I might not.
Are you going to put some shoes on now?
I wonder if telling her I'm not wearing any underwear either would end or prolong this conversation.

 

by choadwarrior
6-08-04
People ask me all the time why I like living in San Diego.
Well, the weather is perfect.
It has all the conveniences of a large city, but it's not as big as L.A.
But most of all, I like it because nobody has asked me this question since I moved here from the Midwest...
What church do you go to?

 

by choadwarrior
6-09-04
Tech support came by while you were gone to try and figure out why your Internet Explorer keeps crashing.
Oh, good.
They couldn't figure it out.
Oh, darn.
They gave you a new computer and a new 17" flat panel monitor.
Forget everything I said about the government fivolously spending tax dollars.

 

by choadwarrior
6-12-04
**SNIFF SNIFF**
Something wrong?
I'm watching Ronald Reagan's funeral online, it's just so sad.
You need to look at the other side.
What's that?
If you turned that off and got back to work, it would hardly bother you at all.

 

by choadwarrior
6-13-04
Man, those Olsen Twins are HOT! If they were over 18, I'd totally bone them.
Actually, today is their 18th birthday.
Oh...hmmmm... gee...well...um...I
Hilary Duff is like 16.
Man, Hilary Duff is HOT! If she were 18, I'd totally bone her.
Perfect, now you have two years to find another underage actress to obsess over or to come up with an explanation why nobody ever sees you with real women.

 

by choadwarrior
6-14-04
Movin' Out is coming to San Diego--I can't wait!
Is that the musical with 27 Billy Joel songs in it?
Yes.
The title is appropriate.
Yeah, that's one of his best songs.
No, I mean that's what I would be doing in the theatre as soon as the curtain came up.

 

by choadwarrior
6-14-04
I tried some wine from Georgia--it wasn't very good, even for four dollars a bottle.
Well, the best wine growing regions in the world aren't known for their oppressive humidity and cotton-ravaged soil.
We went on a wine tasting tour in Temecula--none of the wine was that great, even for five dollars a bottle.
Well, the best wine growing regions in the world aren't known for their scorching hot desert summers and lack of precipitation.
I don't know why people keep buying Two-Buck Chuck--I don't really like it.
I don't know why you keep talking about wine when you've never really had any.

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
This is cool, I can sign up for these free internet coupons based on my preferences and demographics and they put them right into my suparmarket club card.
Let's see...male... single...live alone... vegetarian...low fat diet.
What offers came up for you?
Baby food, steak sauce, and double-fudge cookies.

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
I hate living in an aquarium.
You're crazy--we never have to worry about predators, and our food supply is stable.
It's just boring. I mean, how many times can you swim in and out of the castle?
You could always swim over there.
Swimming over there always makes me hungry for big juicy worms.
Yeah, if our owner is going to sit over by that corner, he really ought to put some pants on.

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
Have you come up with your top accomplishment of this year?
There are so many...I don't know where to start.
Just pick one.
Gosh...can I lump in all the oppressive, meaningless policies I drafted into one accomplishment, or are those separate?
Maybe you ought to pick another one.
How about, "Successfully crushed the will of those who would oppose us?"

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
It didn't take you long to get promoted--how do I get on a career path like yours?
They say if you want to move up, you should dress like your boss.
But my boss is a woman.
Then you don't need to explain that vest.

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
My boss made a sexual advance towards me in the hallway.
Did you feel the earth move?
No! It was horrible! I thought I was going to vomit.
No, I mean did you just feel that earthquake?

 

by choadwarrior
6-15-04
I just bought the Criterion release of Life of Brian.
That's my favourite Python movie. Does it have a commentary track?
Yeah--one channel is Terry Jones, Eric Idle, and Terry Gilliam, and the other channel is John Cleese and Michael Palin.
There isn't an option for Graham Chapman's commentary?
Yeah, mute.

 

by choadwarrior
6-16-04
Welcome to O'Fatty's can I take your order?
I see you have you have a bunch of O'Fatty's t-shirts for sale.
Would you like to buy one?
Why would I want to walk around looking like I work here?

 

by choadwarrior
6-16-04
Would you like to buy a candy bar to support my son's soccer team?
No.
Would you like to buy some wrapping paper to support my daughter's elementary school?
No.
Would you--
No.

 

by choadwarrior
6-16-04
Repent sinner, or you'll be left behind.
You mean you and all your Bible-thumping buddies will be up in heaven and people like me and my friends will still be here?
Yes.
Is there anything I can do to speed this process along?

 

by choadwarrior
6-16-04
What will you do when the Rapture comes and you are left behind?
Actually, I had my eye on some property, and if all goes well, it will be empty and I can just move in.
Now you're being covetous.
Yeah, but this place is really big, with vaulted ceilings, and a huge yard.
Is it a mansion?
No, it's your church.

 

by choadwarrior
6-17-04
After I turned fifty, my memory started to go.
I tried ginseng and ginko biloba, but that didn't work.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I kept forgetting to take it.

 

by choadwarrior
6-17-04
Great news!
What?
They're moving me back to the desk outside your office!
Which one of us is supposed to think this is good news?

 

by choadwarrior
6-17-04
We're going to tour the construction site tomorrow--make sure you wear a pair of old or beat up shoes.
We may have to postpone the tour.
Why?
I'll need time to track down the homeless guys who are wearing my old or beat up shoes.

 

by choadwarrior
6-19-04
Load up the kids, ma, we're going to brunch!
You know we can't afford no fancy breakfast.
This place ain't fancy, but it's alls you can eat and it's free!
Super! Where is it?
Costco!
C'MON KIDS! WE'RE FIXIN' TA EAT SOME SAMPLES!

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-04
Any other ideas on how I might aspire to be more like you?
There are plenty of resources available on the internet that might help you.
Like what?
Natural male enhancement.

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-04
Welcome back to "Incredibly Amazing Inventions!" Here with us is pseudo-cockney cooking expert Nigel with an incredibly amazing kitchen product to show us today.
That's right, Mike, this invention is so incredibly amazing, every kitchen will need one.
That sounds incredibly amazing!
This incredibly amazing kitchen invention will not only make everything, it will do it faster and better!
Nothing can be this incredibly amazing. Why should we believe you?
Because nobody knows more about great cooking than the British!

Showing page 13.

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