All comics by crabby

Profile

 

by crabby
5-30-03
Welcome to The Motherfuckin' Deli. How may I take your order?
I'll have one block of cheese, please.
Here you are that'll be $9.75.
WHAT! I've been coming to this deli for years and the prices have never been this outrageous. Do you take me for a fool?
No, it's just that buisness has been hard to come by now that the new Walrus Burger moved into town. So do you want that cheese wrapped up to go?
For $9.75 you can go fuck yourself.

 

by crabby
5-31-03
So we agree our forces shall battle at noon tommorow. One on One battles forces of good versus forces of evil.
Agreed. But I get to choose the locations of the battles.
Agreed. But you can't pick hell.
Fine! Can I pick Detroit?
I guess.
Good. Detroit is close enough to Hell we'll have the home field advantage.

 

by crabby
5-31-03
Ultimate Doom!!!!!!!!!
Summer is near.

 

by crabby
6-05-03
I'm telling you don't brush your teeth before you go to bed because if you let fluoride sit on your teeth all night it will rot them away.
You don't want to drink more than two glasses of milk a day. To much calcium can lead to osteoporosis.
I once met Kareem Abdul-Jabaar and he's only like 4'9. The camera adds at least 3 feet. The sames true about all basketball players.

 

by crabby
6-07-03
Het guys! It's me your old buddy Devin. I think I'll post some insightful humor for you all to enjoy.
DEVIN LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK! WE ALL HATE YOU!
These guys are so crazy. I really feel like a part of the group. Since they pretend to hate me I think I'll start to bash myself they'll love that.
Devin seriously, you're really lame. Please leave and never come back.
This sandwhich is almost as great as all my new friends.
CHOKE! CHOKE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! CHOKE AND DIE!

 

by crabby
6-12-03
Ok look! I'm the new age Robin Hood. I've got the bow. I steal from the rich and give to the poor.
I'm the new age Robin Hood I've got the beer and a green cap. I eat the rich and spit on the poor.
WHAT THE FUCK! That's not even Robin Hood related.
That's because I'm new age. The old idea of Robin Hood is old. The newer Robin Hood is drunker and more in your face. You need to get newer.
I'm on that like Friar Tuck on a buffet!

 

by crabby
6-18-03
I'm going to kill you. I'm a hugely popular swiss musician and I'm going to lure you to Switzerland and kill you.
**RANDOM PUN**
I'm going to lure you in with a phony email. You won't remember having this conversation because your asleep. You will die in Switzerland.
**RANDOM PUN**
I'm serious though. You're going to die at the hands of an insanely popular Swiss musician in Switzerland.
**RANDOM PUN**

 

by crabby
8-06-03
I found a job! I'll finally be able to get out of the house. I'll be able to help with the bills. It will be so great to just get out of the house.
You can't work! Nobody will ever respect you because you're a woman. Besides I'm already working three jobs to support us.
But if I work then you can quit....
You stop right there! I love being a cop and you know it! I don't need any help with the bills either. I do a damn good job of taking care of this family.
Fine then you can keep the cop job but you could quit....
DAMN YOU! I love being a pirate even more than being a cop! I'm off to go.... Do pirate buisness.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
Hello. I'm calling about your ad in the paper. I really need a job to get out of the house. You say it pays well?
It pays.
What? I can't hear you.
Have you tried picking up the phone?
no.
You start tommorow.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
So what exactly do I have to do?
Didn't you get the fax? I faxed you the job description.
It was a blank sheet of paper.
Good! Now get started.
Work is hard.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
Honey, I just got back from work and couldn't help but notice a christmas tree in our living room.
I got a job!
Building christmas trees in our living room?
Not just ours!
So how many others did you build today?
Well, I just did the one. But it is my first day.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
How much did you get paid?
Nothing yet! I just worked the one day!
Have you even thought about how confused our son will be? It's August and theres a christmas tree in our living room.
I'm sure he won't even notice. You're getting upset over nothing. I'm just trying to help.
WHAT THE FUCK!

 

by crabby
8-06-03
Do you have anymore jobs for me?
No! We've gone out of buisness.
What? I can't hear you.
Have you tried picking up the phone?
no.
You're fired.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
You'll be happy to know that I got fired today.
Great!
It's not great! I want to do something. I'm tired of just sitting around the house.
I'll pay you to take that Chritmas tree down.
Work is hard.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
I finished taking down the tree. But now I need a real job.
I have a document here from the surgeon general which states that working is bad for you.
But you work and you're fine.
This letter says that work causes your vagina to implode. I don't have a vagina.
So if I didn't have a vagina I could work?
What the fuck are you talking about? I mean seriously have you even listened to anything you've said lately?

 

by crabby
8-06-03
I've got a new job for you if you want it.
I never got paid for putting that Christmas tree up.
Do you want to work or not!
ok.
I'm going to need a horse.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
I got another job.
You really need to read this report. You're putting yourself in serious danger. I need to go get ready for work I can scold you more for this later.
What the fuck!
Your wife stole me from my owner. She's mentally unstable.
I found a horse in my bathroom.
yes.

 

by crabby
8-06-03
What do you want me to do with this horse?
What? Horse? Oh right. Turns out the problem with my car was the muffler. Do whatever you want with the horse.
I need to kill you.
I only stole you for work. I'm only working because I'm bored.
Have you considered an affair?

 

by crabby
8-08-03
Does this job ever leave you unfulfilled?
I thought I was the only one! Artificial Intelligence while in theory a good idea, is dooming us all to become lazier and fatter.
Your Majesty! The humans are currently weak and ready for us to strike on your command.
Moo.
You think they feel loyalty towards us?
All we do is screw on their asses. All the other work is done in Taiwan. I wonder what they have to go through at their plant? Do they feel as empty as we do?

 

by crabby
8-09-03
I got your note asking to meet here. This isn't at all like you. Whats wrong?
Well, I think we should start seeing other people.
It's just that. Well, lately. I've felt like you've been cheating on me.
It's called rectal probing. IT'S MY FUCKING JOB!
Well it makes me feel like less of a man.

 

by crabby
8-09-03
Look. Why don't I drive us home and we can talk about this more, alright. We'll stop at Arby's and get you something to eat.
I'd like that.
I don't think it's the probing thats been bothering you. I think there is something else.
Well to tell you the truth I'm not sure if you're a man or a woman.
What about all the times we've made love?
But it's not normal human love. I have to play the song of xion to access the sex canal in the small of your back.

 

by crabby
8-09-03
So then. Do you want to START seeing other people, or are you already seeing someone?
I'm already seeing someone. He's under the bed.
Come foolish crumpet so I may extinguish you.
You're hunky.
I have already inserted my life force into your boyfriend.

 

by crabby
8-09-03
What's wrong? Walk faster! We need to hurry.
I told you I have heart burn.
You may proceed with birthing the child.
What?
AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! I am birthing a child!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
8-09-03
3 years later............
Your father and I love you very much.
This much?
No alot more.
Great!
I'm so glad we were able to find eachother.
I love you!

 

by crabby
8-20-03
**KNOCK KNOCK**
Yes, who's there?
candygram........
I didn't order a candygram.
flower delivery......
I'm allergic to tulips.

 

by crabby
8-20-03
landshark.........
Land shark? Well, in that case come right in!
OH MY STARS! I THOUGHT THAS WAS JUST A FIGURE OF SPEECH!
That was some scare.

 

by crabby
8-21-03
So you say todays your birthday.
Well, I'd rather be dead than spend another year with you.

 

by crabby
8-26-03
So you just discovered Strip Creator? Well let me be the first to tell you........

 

by crabby
8-29-03
I've never met up with anyone I met on the internet before, do you think I should go out with this guy?
Definetly! He seems really sweet. maybe this guy is Mr. Right.
My hobbies are biking and I do alot of reading. What about you?
you suck i preffre to rape pepel, hey thiers that aisan girl CMERE HO
You took her to the bullpit then what happened?
rapp.

 

by crabby
9-03-03
HOHOHO! What do you want on this fine Christmas morn' little boy.
My mom died can you bring her back. Since she died my dad's been really depressed and I'm scared he might lose his job. I really miss her alot too.
I'll see what I can do.
So Santa did you bring my mom back from the dead?
No! But I killed your dad! Merry Christmas!

 

by crabby
9-06-03
Oh sweet holy shiznit!
Your time is up Super Pimp!
So then Bob decides he's rather repaint the house himself, but Suzy is worried that while it may be cheaper it will take twice as long.
You know what that reminds me.
What?
Pimpin' ain't easy, Bitch!

 

by crabby
9-13-03
Whats the problem?
My husband was murdered during a vacation to Italy. I'm worried that perhaps he was killed for his religious beliefs.
Hey you filthy Italian! You murder anyone recently?
Just that mime who was here on vacation from Canada. He kept miming something about being married to a witch or something. I wish I could tell you more. Sorry.
I couldn't find any clues. Perhaps you should consult a tarot card reader.
Perhaps I should.

 

by crabby
9-20-03
2004...........
Now that I'm president, I'm going to have to make alot of changes around here.
Yes sir.
I mean just seven months ago I was a lonely bank teller and now I'm the elected leader of the United States of America.
Very good sir. Now whats your first order of buisness going to be.
I still like him better than the last guy.

 

by crabby
9-25-03
So do you like my fluffy tail?
I do! I do! Why don't you turn around so I can get a better view.
My pleasure! You mind if I eat a carrot?
Of course not! Actually I'd encourage it!
Do you like my fluffy feet?
I think we need to go to someplace more private.

 

by crabby
9-25-03
I bet you bring every rabbit who shows you their asshole behind this convenience shop.
That's not true, baby! I love you! I even decided to call you plumface.
My name is Lemonhead.
Jesus! I look at your asshole once and it's like I signed a marriage certificate or something.
Would you mind if I ate another carrot?
Not at all. So..... same time next week?

 

by crabby
9-25-03
KEN!!!!!!! KEN!!!!!!
What?
I got another rabbit I need you to kill. Make it quick use a delightful pun and take it down hard.
What?
I think it's time for you to hop along!
What? Oh. EGAD! A pun! I am dead.

 

by crabby
9-29-03
I saw you across the bar and I just want you to know you inspired these lyrics, My head is spinning round, my heart is in my shoes,yeah.
Do you even know who I am? I'm Monica Lewinski! I'm drunk, horny and you're staring at my tits. Lets go back to your place!
You know you humans never cease to amaze me. You just don't get it. You don't respect me. I'll let you live but first tell me what you were planing on doing with Monica Lewinski you sick fuck!
Well god, I gotta admit I'm a little bit ashamed right now. But basically the plan was to fist her to lube my hand up, then I was going to dip my hand into a bucket of Tang, mix with water and drink.
Tom Waits you've always been a sick fuck! I really wanna party with you what say I call you just for the sake of killing you huh? I couldn't possibly think of a funnier way to die! You wacky celebs.
I could just drink the shit Tang and die that way right? But hey you're the boss.

 

by crabby
10-02-03
Hello. I'm Diane Dinkelberg and for breaking news here's Bill Brenamin.
Diane you're a cunt.

 

by crabby
10-02-03
I'm a baby.
Where's the drugs?
I don't have any.
What can i interest you in kid?
You got any pain killers? This rash is killing me.

 

by crabby
10-07-03
You know Mars is way over rated. I don't understand why mankind wanted to come here for so many years.
We're in hell. We died while playing a good old fashioned game of Space Air Hockey. You fell in the ice and then when I tried to save you I got pulled in and we both drowned.
So what is there to do around here? It reminds me alot of Ohio in the winter.
It is surprisingly like Ohio in the summer. Why don't you go to that pie vendor and get us both some pies. An out of place Amish man recommended them highly.
Aren't you awfully short for a pie vendor? Do you have any apple pies?
The only pie we carry is the pie of shattered dreams!

 

by crabby
10-08-03
That he is mad, 'tis true; 'tis true 'tis pity;
My love for you is true. Your puppetness makes me blue. The man you need is me in deed, so let's take off to screw.
I'm a puppet can you not see, you are not the man for me. Your intentions are rotten I'm filled with cotton so please just let me be.
Have we eaten on the insane root that takes the reason prisoner?
Due to the effacious spell which I've learned, my love will no longer be spurned. I'll make you my queen you'll love it indeed, for years your loved I've yearned.
All my life I've wished I was real, if you grant my wish I'll cut you a deal. Me and you in bed, you're sick in the head but I'll at least let you cop a feel.
Away, you scullion! You rampallion! You fustilarion! I'll tickle your catastrophe!
Your human form is distracting, my felling for you i am retracting. Your legs I would not spread, I'll fuck a pillow instead, it's cotton I find so attracting.
I do not know how to feel. My anger I must conceal. I've loved the king all along, I yearn for his dong, without him my cunt will congeal.

 

by crabby
10-11-03
So it's pretty fucking dark huh?
Definetly.

 

by crabby
10-11-03
So it's pretty fucking dark huh?
Definetly.
So how bout Telemarketing, Schwarzenegger, the Iraq war, that CIA source leak, the Kobe Bryant case, The what-if scenario of the Cubs facing off against the Red Sox in the World Series, and the rain?
What did you say? I can't hear you it's dark.

 

by crabby
10-23-03
I woke up this morning and I just feel different. Suddenly I have this urge to live life to it's fullest, almost as if the very fate of the world is resting inside of me.
.em fo edisni gnitser si dlrow eht fo etaf yrev eht fi sa tsomla ,tselluf s'ti ot egru siht evah I ylnedduS .tnereffid leef tsuj I dna gninrom siht pu ekow I
Nothing is going to stop me today. I'm going to march into my bosses office and sign up for that flag football team. No health insurance agency is going to hold me back!
You are going to go to work and turn in your resignation. Then you will go to the dessert and give birth to my second son of this earth.
The next day...........
You know, Women complain about giving birth all the time, but I was just impregnated with the second son of God and I'm fine. I mean, I only had a days notice to get ready. It was easy.

 

by crabby
10-23-03
This is going to be alot of responsibility. The second son of god!
Your job is done. You were simply my vessel into this realm. As the wrath of god I will have 24 hours to do his biding on earth.
I will age rapidly until I reach the desired state of mind to handle the situations laid before me. I must let the world know the word of the lord through example.
I will punish those who deserve it, they have had the path before them all along and ignored it. For this they will be punished. Some will learn others will not. Some people just won't give a shit.

 

by crabby
10-23-03
All these people have done wrong. Hopefully they can be enlightened....This robot was programed simply for revenge. This owl has been praying for the death of his brother.
The child on the left hasn't taken that mask off since his grandfather was killed....The child on the right has a serious marijuana problem that will catch up with him soon.
This man has become a false prophet in the eyes of millions, he doesn't even realizing he's done anything wrong. This woman is a disgrace to herself and her gender.

 

by crabby
10-23-03
The robots programming caught up with him. His latest employer sold him out to the highest bidder....The owl was killed while attending his wife's funeral. He was run over by his brother.
After a visit to his youngest cousin, this child realized how much love the world had to offer and removed his mask....This child wasn't lucky enough and his marijuana addiction has left him crippled.
The false prophet was erased from the memories of millions after years of deprogramming. Small sects of civilization have sprung up worshipping him.
I turned my life around. I found the lord.

 

by crabby
10-24-03
Hey, yeah, you're in my History class aren't you? You sit next to that smelly girl with the ratty hair.
Yeah, her name is Shirley. She's nice but you know. She smells and has ratty hair.
Ok,Ok, shut the fuck up! Can you hook me up with her or not you flat chested bitch!
ok.
I've always had such a crush on you. I was always to nervous to talk to you though. I'm glad your bitchy friend showed up to introduce us.
I'm going to cover you in hog fat and explore your anus for the first time. I'm going to make you feel like the prettiest girl on the face of the earth!

 

by crabby
10-30-03
Look at you! You're a little James Cann. You get one snicker bar and one box of nerds.
What are you supposed to be young man?
I'm John Ritter.
All that bitch gave me was a three musketeer bar.

 

by crabby
10-30-03
You better watch out my mutant powers are going to kick in any day and I'm going to throttle your ass.
ok.
FUCKING BEEYOTCH!!! YOU AIN'T NEVER GOT KNOCKED OUT BY FUCKING CLAYMATION BEFORE HAVE YOU?
Well one time at this convention up north. Fucking Claymation man he's one tough cookie.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! pREPARE FOR ROUND 2 BEEYOTCH!!!!!!!!!!
Claymation is my Red kryptonite.

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