All comics by RandomComicLayoutGuy

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Did you just hit on the back of mah head with that axe?
Uh... No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Then, why do I all-of-a-sudden have a "splitting" headache?
Ha, ha!

 

Hey, Melty... How come you only buy sleeveles shirts?
Because I have no arms, dipshit!
Oh...

 

Where you going, Brandy?
I'm leaving you, Melty!
Why?
Because you never hold me like you used to!
But, you know I lost my arms in the war, baby...
That's no excuse!

 

Check it out, Dude... I'm writing the ultimate comic for CC 304! It involves a duck, a little Asian girl, and some blue man-thingy with feet-for-ears...
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
What do you think?
I think you just disqualified yourself by talking in the second panel, doofus!

 

Abe Vigoda in "The Tonight Show" Green Room, circa 1978...
I hope I don't get bumped tonight by those fucking bird-whistling kids...
...AGAIN!

 

Dude! What's with all the [hic] water?
Tsunami!
God bless you!
?!?

 
Hey, mister! May I use your phone?
Uh... Sure.
Thanks!
That's it! I'm going back on the wagon!

 

This bunny suit was a great idea!
How else could I get this close to Mr. Chipmunk before he runs away?
I can almost taste the squirrel soup! Yum, yum!
If, this asshole gets any closer, I'm going to "crack" his nuts, if you know what I mean!

 

I once tried doing my act in front of a small group of Jehova Witnesses, but all they wanted to hear were "knock-knock" jokes! HO! HO! HO!
I'll be here all week!

 

...and, over there is the Capitol building, where all the laws of the land are created by corrupt politicians who are in the back pockets of big business and the labor unions...
Just as the Founding Fathers had intended!
If, you listen really hard, you can hear the faint, "whirring" sound of George Washington and Thomas Jefferson spinning in their graves!

 

Hey, buddy! Can you spare a dime?
Can ya?
Hellooooooo! I'm talking to you, asshole!
You know times are bad when bums are hassling other bums for loose change!

 

Lizzy, ol' chap! I need you to go down to Kroger's and pick me up a carton of Marlboros...
Now, be a good lad and run along!
Who died and made you king, fuck-face?

 

Hey, Drac! Did you just bite me in the back of mah head?
Uh... No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Then, why all-of-a-sudden do I have a PIERCING headache?
Ha, ha!

 

Hey, Clango... How's it hangin'?
It, uh, um... I... Uh... Ummm... Errr...
What's on your mind, Clango?
Well... There's got to be something inherently EVIL with you appearing in "RCL no. 666"

 

Uh... Scotty? Can you, like, beam me up? I'm stuck in a jail cell with Bubba, who is eight feet tall! I've shot him twice with my phaser, and it only made him madder...
...and HORNIER!
So, dear God, Scotty, can you please BEAM ME THE FUCK UP NOW?! AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!

 

CRACK!!
Wow......Madame... ......Penguin! That.... ...like....felt....good... ........................baby!
This guy really needs to lay off the qaaludes!

 

What the..?
Hey, Tiki! Can I use your toilet? Mine's all clogged up...
I have GOT to lay off the ganja!
Well... Can I dude? I needs to take a major dump!

 

The furthering adventures of "Blind Cop Justice". Tonight's episode: "Bunny, Bloody Bunny!"
May I help you, officer?
We're looking for a mass-murderer dressed in a bunny-suit, wielding an axe... Have you seen him?
Um... I haven't seen a thing since I got blood-spatter in my eyes late last night!
I'll take that as a "no"...

 

Not satisfied with just "rubber-necking" a deadly car accident from afar...
YAAAAAACCCK!!
YAAAAAACCCK!!
...Russ insists (to his detriment) on getting an up-close view of the gruesome, blood-drenched, guts-ripped, broken bones-exposed, brains-splattered fatality scene, and reacts accordingly!
YAAAAAACCCK!!

 

Then I says to the professor, "Why can't them rotor turbines generate gravitons by themselves? I mean, what if you applied the second law of physics and use momentum to create centrifugal force?"
Ha, ha!
Well, the professor was so impressed that he gave me an "A" for the day. Later, after class, he asked me if I'd like to earn some "extra credit", and I said, "Sure!"
So, I proceeded to blow him out in the faculty parking lot!
What the CLUCK are you talking about?

 
What's taking biped so long to judge CC: 304?
I don't know... From what I hear, the strippers are all up in arms-
!
Sorry...

 

So... You don't drink, and you don't smoke. What do you do?
Eat like a PIG!
I have GOT to kick this heroin addiction!
I screw like a pig, too...

 

Hmmm... It's been three hours now!
I don't think my blind date is coming back from the ladies' room...

 

Dude... That's AMAZING!
How did you ever learn to pee through the door crack?
Practice, my good man! Practice...

 

C'mon, honey! Come back to the ranch house!
No way, sicko! My mom told me that if you ever ask me to "do it" in a different orafice, I should divorce you IMMEDIATELY!
Don't you ever want to have children?

 

So, you're off to the big city, eh? Don't forget your rubbers!
I won't need them. The whores provide the condoms nowadays...
I meant your rain-gear, you cheatin' bastard!
Shit!

 

Damn! What happened in here?
I just took a major dump!
Why does it smell funny?
Because I'm a clown, Einstein!
Uh... My name is Anders, Bozo!

 

Where are we?
We're lost, that's where...
No SHIT, Captain Obvious!
Well, if you give me a minute...
?
...I'll be having a bowel movement shortly!

 

Welcome to The Gape! How may I help you?
I'm looking to buy an evening gown...
For you? Wouldn't that be like putting lipstick on a pig-
?!?
Uh, no offense meant!
None taken, you two-bit, sleazy, slutty, stinky WHORE!

 

...so, then I says, "Them rotating windmills won't generate the much-needed electricity without a thermal up-draft all by themselves!"
H-h-ha, h-h-ha!
W-w-what th-th-the f-f-fuck are y-y-you t-t-talking about?

 

...and, to show me that the Wicked Witch of the West is dead, you must bring me her broom!
Do you have any questions? Hello? Dorothy? Tin Man?
Is anyone out there? Hellooooo?
Goo?

 

AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Mucho mejor!
I swear... That plant lady waters me WAY too much!

 

Muwahaha!
Oooh! This scene looks like it's going to be scary! I just love these vampire movies!
"Is that you, honey?"
Yes, dear...
?!?
"I'm cooking steak. How do you want yours?"
Make mine "bloody" rare!
What the FUCK?!

 

Hey, Abe... Is it true you're older than GOD?
Yes, it is!
That would make you my grandpa, right?
Welcome to the family, grandson!
Fuck me!

 

Do you think there's a god?
God, I hope not! I just blew away a skanky whore!
Oh, that's nice- wait a minute! CC: 305's ambiguous rules clearly state that we must use the same art as the comic we're making funnier, you dumb bunny!
Oh, yeah? Well, fatso, the RCLG has his own set of rules he must follow, and those rules supercede Smartasmolasses' rules. Now, let me be so I can go fondle the dead hooker's tits!

 

Lift, Crabby!
[oomph!]
LIFT!!
OOMPH!!
HIGHER!!!
You'd think the cheap-ass theater owner would pop for a rope and pulley so we don't have to try and raise this goddamn curtain from the bottom!

 

Hi... I'd like a large, double-shot latte with 1% milk.
Sorry, but we're all out of milk! I just lapped up the last saucerful...
Okayyy. I guess you can use cream instead...
No can do! I drank the last of that two days ago. All we have left is a shitload "Silk"...
Silk? Isn't that made from soy? That couldn't possibly taste good, could it?
Well, I hear it's the "cat's meow"! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

New York City, circa 1971:
Although, Tiki was called back in for three additional tryouts...
...the job of bass player for Kiss was ultimately given to Gene Simmons.
Shit!

 

Goo!
*sniff*
Goddamn! What's that funky smell?
Poo!
AGAIN? That's the third time today, you little shit-factory!!

 

OUCH!
I just got shot in the nuts by a machine-gun toting kangaroo!
This is like a bad DREAM, man!
It IS a bad dream, Gabe! Now, go back to sleep, loser!

 

The neighborhood kids were always squirting me with their Super-soakers...
...so, I spent the last six months training with a Japanese monk, developing my own, impenetrable Zen "force field"!
HOW DO LIKE ME NOW, YOU LITTLE SHITS!!

 

This 80's metal band ROCKS, dude!
They SUCK!
What do you mean? Just listen to those wailing guitars, and that bombastic drumming!
Yeah, but the new singer STINKS!
You're starting to sound bitter, Rob!
Damn! I should have NEVER quit Judas Priest!

 

Hey, Vern!
Vern?
Damn! I told him putting in a skylight was a bad idea!

 

I brought you your dinner, sir...
*sniff*
Is that what I think it is..?
Yes, sir. I'm afraid it hasn't taken a bath in weeks, but it was all I could find!
God, how I so HATE eating STINKY PUSSY!

 

Yay! It worked! No more humans!
Helloooooo!
Uh... Who, or what, the hell are you?
I'm a by-product from the radiation of the nuclear war you started...
This has got to be the WEIRDEST random comic layout yet!
Wanna screw?

 

Wow, Pocahontas! We ended up together in a random comic layout!
What are the odds of that happening, Long Time?
Oh! So, since I'm Asian, I'm supposed to know these calculations?
Uh... Yeah!
Okay... 45,384 to 1! Now go make me a pot pie, bitch!
Cunt!

 

So, a giraffe walks into a bar...
...and the bartender says, "Why the long neck?" HAHAHAHAHAHA
[cricket noises]
Is this fucking mike even on?

 

Bleep blop preeble proop prebble...
...plopple gleeb goo-goo kweetle!
Do you want onions on that?
Sweesh!

 

Hmmm... Your overall body temp-erature is up one degree since your last physical...
This could indicate an early enslaught of HIV. Have you been having unprotected sex lately?
You mean with humans?
Okayyy...

 

OH, GOD! IT BURNS WHEN I PEE!!
GODDAMN AIDS!!!
"It's not your full-blown AIDS that's causing the pain, honey. It's your syphilis..."
Suh-WEET!

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