All comics by choadwarrior

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by choadwarrior
6-20-04
I noticed you haven't turned in your permission slip for Bible Camp yet.
I'm not going.
It will be fun!
Will it be fun because I'll think it's fun, or will it be fun because you'll think it's fun?
It's a great opportunity to get down with your spiritual self with other kids in a wholesome environment!
That's pretty much what I thought.

 

by choadwarrior
6-20-04
I saw the movie "Saved!" this weekend.
I walked out of that movie.
I think it's one of the best movies I've seen this year.
I don't like movies that challenge my faith.
That's why it's called "faith." If a movie making fun of your beliefs can ruin them, then your "faith" wasn't that strong to begin with, was it?
I'm going to pray so hard against him.

 

by choadwarrior
6-21-04
The lobbyists in the state capitol have too much power. As your candidate, I vow to not cave in to their demands.
Did you know that the vast majority of lobbyists in this state represent cities, counties, and school districts?
Also, I am not the canditate of special interest groups.
All special interest groups or just the ones your party doesn't agree with?
All that matters is that you believe I'm an outside candidate.
Why would I vote for someone whose entire platform is based on making sure my taxes don't get spent on me?

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-04
Are you going to sign up for my woodshop class next year?
No way--woodshop is for dorks.
No way--woodshop is really cool.
Why do you think that?
Once you cut a finger off in an unguarded radial saw, all those so-called "cool" kids with piercings and tattoos will look like pussies.

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-04
I need it go home--I have to pee.
Why not use my bathroom?
Ewwwww! Your bathroom is disgusting!
Yeah, but the toilet seat is clean.
Why is that the only clean thing in there?
My hairy ass dusts it three times a day.

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-04
What are you doing up in Sacramento?
I'm conducting a workshop for school districts on how to save millions on their construction projects.
That's great!
We all have a duty to spend the taxpayers' dollars wisely.
So what are you going to do tonight?
I'm going to get drunk on my expense account.

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-04
Your presentation went over really well.
Good.
One woman in the audience really liked you.
Oh yeah?
She said you were "dreamy."
Can you blame her?

 

by choadwarrior
6-22-04
I was in your workshop today.
Were you the one who called me "dreamy?"
Yes--you put me to sleep.

 

by choadwarrior
6-23-04
I'll be in the conference room in a moment...I have to use the restroom first.
Too much information!
Our new high school is amazing; it looks like a college campus.
On acid!
Can I tell you something without you responding with a tired cliché?
What-EVER!

 

by choadwarrior
6-23-04
I know you hate it when I drop by without an appointment, but I wanted to touch base with you.
I don't exactly know what my base is, but I dont think I want you touching it.
Can we set an appointment so I can come in?
Call me.
Why can't we set an appointment now?
Because I'd have to go to all the trouble of opening this briefcase to check my calendar.

 

by choadwarrior
6-23-04
Did you see that ad on TV for Viagra?
Nope.
Every seventh prescription you fill is free!
That's like buy six inches, get one free!

 

by choadwarrior
6-23-04
I think the highlight of my college experience was when I got to study abroad in London.
I never had that opportunity.
That's too bad.
Well, you know, when you live in your mother's basement, it's difficult to get one to come back to your place.
So was she an English broad, or another American?

 

by choadwarrior
6-23-04
After I'm done feeding Blanket, we can have a midnight snack.
Can I have a Blow-Pop?
Prince Michael! You know I'm up on charges for that!

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-04
Excuse me, where can I find the crackers in this store?
Aisle 12.
No, I mean the people like me.

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-04
Mr. Vice President, how do you explain your profanity outburst on the Senate floor?
Well, Senator Leahy was challenging me on a particular issue, so I felt I had to defend myself.
You've been criticized for months on your secret energy task force and influence peddling of Antonin Scalia, why lash out now on this.
For the record, he wasn't criticizing me on the energy task force or my hunting trip with Justice Scalia.
So what was it.
IT WAS FUCKING HALLIBURTON, YOU FUCKING FUCK. FUCKING HAPPY? NOW FUCK OFF!

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-04
I'm from the press. Can you tell me what happened here officer?
At 1730 hours, we responded to a call reporting a woman with a gun.
Upon arrival, we observed a female in front of her house with a gun to her head, threatening to kill herself.
So what did you do?
To prevent her from using the gun on herself, I shot her.

 

by choadwarrior
6-26-04
Honey, what do you think of my new thong?
Let me see it.
Baby, I love you, but that thong on your ass puts the anus in heinous.

 

by choadwarrior
6-27-04
Have you missed me since I moved my office downstairs?
Yes, since you moved, nobody has filled your void.
Is this another fat joke?
Nobody has talked endlessly about the Boy Scouts, their parents, their neighbors' marital problems, how their dog acts like a human...
If you weren't interested in my stories, why didn't you tell me?
It was more fun telling all my friends about the huge bore I worked with.

 

by choadwarrior
6-28-04
It's my birthday, and nobody did anything for it, just because I'm the janitor.
That's not true--I made you a special lemon cake.
Really?
Yeah, it's in the urinal...now go piss out your candles.

 

by choadwarrior
6-28-04
I need to take the next two days off--my uncle died.
Were you close to him?
Yes, he was such a nice guy, it's going to be so difficult.
Perhaps staying at work will help take your mind off your grief.
Um...I really think I should go.
Look, I don't see how you taking time off will bring him back.

 

by choadwarrior
6-29-04
Oh, good, you're back from your trip.
Anything happen while I was gone?
You missed the big meeting.
Which meeting?
The one I schedule whenever you're gone where the boss and all your colleagues reassign all their unwanted work to you.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
I've been riding the rails and eating around campfires most of my life and I still haven't found true love.
Me neither.
Where does a guy go to meet other like-minded people for serious dating?
I don't know.
Surely there has to be some sort of dating scene for other hobosexuals.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
You know that fantastic employee I've been promising a promotion to for the last three years?
Yes.
She gave her notice today. She took a promotional opportunity elsewhere for exactly the same salary I've been telling her I'm going to give her eventually!
The nerve.
What do you think I should do?
Learn a valuable lesson about stringing along your valued employees.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
Professor Hawking, everyone knows of your brilliant research into the origins of the universe and black holes, but do you have any hobbies outside of physics?
Yes...I... enjoy...music
In...fact... I...sing...in...a... cover...band... at...Cambridge.
A singer? What kind of music do you play?
Mostly...Kraftwerk.

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
I think we should hire a motivational speaker to address all of our employees before school starts back up in August.
With all the budget cuts, don't you think we could find a more meaningful way to spend $10,000?
No--it will be great! Everyone will listen to the speaker and be energized and that will carry through the entire year!
Or we'll spend a lot of money on the speaker and salaries of the staff attending and get no return on the investment if nobody applies the message.
Not if the speaker is really great!
If we hired Martha Stewart to stand up and read a recipe, would you expect a cake to appear?

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
Have you been flossing?
As far as you know.
How often do you floss?
Whenever something is stuck between my teeth.
Then you better eat ribs and popcorn everynight.
Wasn't Marlon Brando a patient of yours?

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
I cleaned your kitchen while you were gone.
Thanks--you didn't have to do that.
Oh, yes, I did.
Why?
Your floor was getting a little too crunchy.
Even in milk?

 

by choadwarrior
6-30-04
After college, I worked in a flea market.
That is such an appropriate name.
It was more like a TJ Max or a Ross.
Those places make me itch too.
Have you ever been in a 99 cent store?
Yeah, judging from the customers, they should call them lice markets.

 

by choadwarrior
7-01-04
I need to ask you about the policy on bringing kids to work.
Didn't we already discuss this three months ago?
Yes, but I didn't like your response.
How about if I give you the same answer, but word it differently?
That would be great.

 

by choadwarrior
7-04-04
Hey buddy, do you have any spare change?
No.
I can hear it jingle in your pocket.
That isn't spare change.
Then what is it?
My change.

 

by choadwarrior
7-10-04
Smoking kills.
You know what else can cause death?
No.
Pissing off a stranger.

 

by choadwarrior
7-10-04
Sir, I can't serve you in this condition.
You think I'm drunk?
No, we have a policy against serving people who aren't fully clothed.
It says, "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service."
Okay...I'll sell you a burger, but if you say anything about "special sauce" I'll scald you with a pot of coffee.
Nah, I just want you to hold the pickle.

 

by choadwarrior
7-12-04
I heard that you are telling people that the reason I was transferred and you were promoted is that you were doing all my work and I wasn't doing anything.
You've admitted that to me several times.
Yeah, but you shouldn't be telling people that--it makes me look bad.
It looked so bad that even our boss realized what was going on, so he shifted you aside and compensated me for all the extra work I was doing.
Hrmph.
For the record, I didn't talk shit about her at work, but I don't mind that she thinks I did.

 

by choadwarrior
7-12-04
You bought the wrong toilet paper again.
What do you mean? I bought Charmin.
But it's the wrong type of Charmin.
What kind did you want?
The kind with patterns on it.
I figured it always ends up patterned in the end, so why pay the extra 23 cents.

 

by choadwarrior
7-12-04
My name is Isis. It means Egyptian Princess.
I think it means stupid, dirty girl.
What do you think of the comments California Secretary of Education Richard Riordan made yesterday?
On behalf of the NAACP, we are appalled that he should make such an insensitive comment to a little African-American girl, so we are here in Sacramento to protest and demand his resignation.
Actually, the little girl was white.
HEY EVERYBODY--WE CAN GO HOME NOW!

 

by choadwarrior
7-12-04
I'm so excited over my new minivan! It has leather seats!
So? Most cars have leather seats.
I've never had them before.
I'm not sure if you'll like them.
Why?
Because leather doesn't breathe like cloth, you'll probably have a more difficult time sneaking farts on the way back from lunch.

 

by choadwarrior
7-13-04
It is an inferno in here. I can't believe he turned the air conditioner off again.
I'm going to tell him I can't stand it anymore--I think I'm going to melt.
I'm back from my meeting.
Are you hot?
Depends on who you ask.

 

by choadwarrior
7-13-04
Father, why have you done this?
Tag!

 

by choadwarrior
7-14-04
So this is the Lost Coast. What do we do now?
There's a stream that we can hike to from here.
Well, that killed a half hour...what do we do now?
We'll go back to the campground.
What are we going to do tomorrow?
We'll walk somewhere else for a while.

 

by choadwarrior
7-14-04
Why are you just standing there like a zombie?
Were you stuck sitting across from the morbidly obese union president in your meeting?
I take it she was wearing a short skirt and no underwear again.

 

by choadwarrior
7-14-04
So this is Monterey.
Look down there on the cliff--that tree is known as the "Lone Cypress."
It's the logo of Pebble Beach.
What's that next to it?
Another cypress.

 

by choadwarrior
7-14-04
Did you go into my network folder and delete all my important files this morning?
I'm just curious. Apparently, you had rights to go into my folder, but I had IT disable that.
No, I deleted a bunch of my files this morning, but I certainly didn't touch yours.
Then how come when I restored them, the file info said you deleted them?
You can do that? Um...I mean...ring ring...I think I hear my phone.

 

by choadwarrior
7-14-04
In a moment, toro, we will release you into the bull ring and you know what will happen next?
I get to fuck a herd of sweet ass cows in front of all those people?
No, two picadors will jab barbs into you, a bandillero will stab your neck muscle, then I will torment you with my cape and stab you dead with my sword.
That's fucked up, man.
It is our tradition.
No, really, that's a bunch of me-shit.

 

by choadwarrior
7-15-04
So what happened when you saw the union president's big fat vagina?
I got the vapors.
You mean you passed out like a southern belle?
No, I think I smelled it.

 

by choadwarrior
7-15-04
Okay, now my assistant lost a bunch of files on the network and once again, it shows that you deleted them.
I swear I didn't do it.
Bullshit! You said you were clearing out your files and you obviously didn't know what you were doing and ended up trashing our folders because you had no idea what was in them.
So what are you going to do, lay the smack down on me?
I'd only do that if I wanted to be hypnotized by all the jiggling.

 

by choadwarrior
7-17-04
New warnings today from the FDA and CPSC that candies imported from Mexico contain lead. Here with the story is Brock Hunkington.
How come you have taken no precautions to prevent lead from being used in your candies or their wrappers?
Eet ees no problem. I eat dee candies my whole life.
But it is widely known that lead causes brain damage and nerve disorders, particularly in children.
DURRRRR! DURRRRR! DURRRRR!

 

by choadwarrior
7-17-04
Savior! What is that below your cross?
HOLY SHIT!

 

by choadwarrior
7-18-04
We have a sayin' down south...
"Everything's bigger in Texas"
This don't apply to brains, though.

 

by choadwarrior
7-20-04
I think it's terrible how sexually promiscuos todays kids are.
You know what I've noticed?
What?
That the only people who ever walk around with nasty cold sores are my 45 to 55 year-old co-workers.

 

by choadwarrior
7-20-04
Do you have the results of my pelvic exam?
Yes. I wish I could tell you more, but you disintegrated my speculum.
What does that mean?
Honey, you put the clam in chlamydia.

Showing page 14.

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