All comics by crabby

Profile

 

by crabby
12-17-03
I have to keep it undone to allow my 26 inches of freedom to breath Ma'! You know that.
Fine! Your real brother lives in Memphis. Are you happy.
Do you know where in Memphis exactly?
Here, I'll write the directions on your schlong.

 

by crabby
1-03-04
Wow! Steve Perry, I'm a huge fan.
That makes two of us.
You know... I never stopped believing.
Wanna go back to my planet?

 

by crabby
1-03-04
This is my planet. It contains an abundance of wuss rock.
Isn't this earth?
Yeah, but check out the groupies!
I'm not wearing panties. Should I throw my diaper at him?

 

by crabby
1-03-04
This is my swinging Journey pad. I bought it with all the money we made on that Journey arcade game.
That game sucks. This is just an empty warehouse.
It's not quite empty. Remember that hot ass groupie from the third panel of comic two? She took a shit in the corner over there.
Ok, that is pretty hot.

 

by crabby
1-03-04
I want to show you something.
Ever since the first moment our eyes locked on that evening. I could tell... We were meant to be.
You know what? I don't even really like your music. I just recognized you from that Behind The Music. I don't even know any of your songs.
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............... Don't speak words will just cheapen our love. Follow me.
I don't want to follow him, but I am oddly attracted to him.

 

by crabby
1-03-04
Living without you, living alone This empty house seems so cold Wanting to hold you Wanting you near How much I wanted you home
But now that you've come back Turned night into day I need you to stay
So now I come to you with open arms Nothing to hide, believe what I say So here I am, with open arms Hoping you'll see what your love means to me... Open arms

 

by crabby
1-03-04

 

by crabby
1-07-04

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Can you believe we both got pregnant at the same time?
I know! I know! Remember back in high school how we always said we'd get pregnant at the same time?
Yeah, we've always been best friends. The worst part is now that we're pregnant we can't party like we used to.
What?
What if I have a boy and you have a girl and they end up getting married.
No! Even better what if I have a boy and you have a girl and they end up getting married!

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Oh my god! I'm going into labor right now!
So am I. We better get to the hospital.
2 weeks later........
I had a boy!
I had a girl! Lets force them to play together for the rest of their lives.

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Damn baby, you looking good.
I can't believe my mother makes me play with you.
Maybe some day after we learn to walk we could meet up in a sand box for a play date.
I'm sure my mother will force me to play in the sand box with you.
So is that a yes good looking?
You just shat yourself didn't you?

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Like my new sweatshirt Ambrosia?
No, I hate it Rufus.
Don't you hate how our mom's both gave us these weird hipster names?
You were named after her dog. I was named after my aunt Lavina.
So wanna go over and throw eggs at cars?
No.

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Look, I've been trying to get into your pants since I was a toddler. I just got my license wanna go out or something?
Sure why not.
I was thinking maybe we could go join the Nazi party or something?
Ok, we're done here.

 

by crabby
1-21-04
Do you know why I asked you into my office today Sven?
Yes, yes I do. I just want you to know sir, I love you too.
Actually, I called you into here today to tell you to stop bringing your sword to the factory.
oh. I'm not gay you know.
Ok. Please leave my office now.
I'm really not gay.

 

by crabby
1-22-04
RAYMOND, I need those spread sheets in my office before three today!
You know you're a giant filthy lizard right?

 

by crabby
1-22-04
So how's you're training going with the new intern?
It's going great! Can you believe she gave it up on the first date?
Thats my daughter.
Well now I know where she got that tight ass from.

 

by crabby
1-23-04
Welcome to my office.
You're office smells.

 

by crabby
1-23-04
So where are those reports?
You're not in color I don't respect you.
Where are those reports?
You're mask is dumb.
Where are those reports?
I think I hate you.

 

by crabby
2-02-04
For as long as I can remember my family has ruled it's people truthfully and elequently. Love is our chief export and the royal family dishes it out at will.
We have never had any complaints from the islanders. Then out of nowhere these missionaries come in armed with pheasant dinners. They persuade the islanders with their stories.
The royal family is losing control. Islanders are taking the love they auotmate in our factories and converting it into remorse and hording it out of the country. I must face one of these missionaries

 

by crabby
2-02-04
Excuse me but your appearance on our island has caused the islanders to lose faith in the royal court. They have begun looting our love supplies and leaving the islands with it.
I request a meeting with your court. We need the love deposits to fill our tankers with to travel to other lands.
The only way we can leave is by taking your love so we can travel away.
I will take you to the royal court.

 

by crabby
2-02-04
So, basically, what you are saying is that you will leave once you have the necessary love you need to power your vessel? I will take you by your word.
I will need full control over the royal court. I must appoint my own missionaries so that these matters can be handled as fast as possible.
The royal court is yours, do as you must to leave quickly.
Son, if you accept the cultures of others and take a chance by helping them you will be rewarded in the heavens.
Father you are the reason this country has prospered. The islanders all love you.

 

by crabby
2-02-04
You have...destroyed my country. I must ask that you give control of the royal court back to me.
We have gone to war with your neighbors. We have used up all your supplies of love. We have appointed your son the head of our prison system.
Father it pains me to have lock you up. However the missionaries fear that you will rattle up the islanders.
Son this country needs me. Under the control of the missionaries our country has been destroyed.
He is dead. I have hung his flaming carcass out for the islanders to know. They will know fear.
Now that the love supply has been destroyed. I leave the country to you. You were loyal to us in your time of need. You must rule the way your father never could.

 

by crabby
2-02-04
While under my rule I ended the war with our neighboring islands. Under the rules of my surrender our island is now being used as a port for the other islands to use as a warehouse of sorts.
The storage space we provide has giving way to a new form of respect from the other islands. Together they banded enough money to rebuild our proud land and restore our love factories.
While my father is dead my rule has lead to a greater triangle of friendship between the islands. Together we plan to invade the dutch and tear shit up.

 

by crabby
2-08-04
at most boards, people have some lame ass thread like, "Post about the user above you." Everything is like:
"Has a dumb hat" and then the next guy posts: "Thinks the guy above him has a dumb hat" and then the next guy posts: "Is a founding member of the Vancouver Ass Mafia." and so on.
I was thinking of doing that here, but then I realized, "Hey, we make comics here. Let's get an ongoing theme!"
so here's how it goes. the next person to post will make a comic about or starring me. Then the NEXT person will make a comic about or starring the person above him. IT WORKS. Start now.
This guy is kinda bossy.

 

by crabby
2-08-04
So whats your name?
Well the finger puppets name is Pablo but the man behind thepuppet is Kalebb.
Can we concentrate on the puppet?
Can I take you out to dinner?
I really wanna go with you Pablo but what about this third wheel Kaleeb?
Actually he's my.........body guard. I'm a world famous escape artist.

 

by crabby
2-09-04
Dad I need some advice. I've had.................. feelings for this girl. But I think she rejects our families ideals and thus won't accept me as a suitor.
Son the first thing you need is legs. Thats the most important of all. Women love a good knee cap. Secondly, I reccomend going into town with your life savings and making a name for yourself.
Cousin Wilford father has sent me to speak with you about love. Can you give me some of your insights?
My legs have been destroyed by the love of an unclean woman. Go forth and relay this message for your father he will be able to decode its true origins.
So what was cousin Wilford trying to tell me?
I don't remember mentioning a cousin Wilford. I told you to move out and start a life of your own. Chicks dig that.

 

by crabby
2-13-04
It looks like you want a date for Valentine's Day. Press [OK] to run Microsoft Matchmaker
Success! Your perfect Valentine's date is all arranged.
I can't wait.
This is not what I was expecting.
Fresh meat!

 

by crabby
2-14-04
OOOOOOOOOOOO................Rafael!!!!!
My name is Ryne.

 

by crabby
3-17-04
Hi there, you appear to be a mild mannered hooker. How much for you to sit with me while I fill my glass with tears?
Hey man, this isn't about money for me ok. This is an art form, I take this job very seriously.
I fully intended to have sex with you as soon as I finished crying. However, afterward I'd appreciate it if you'd listen to me discuss my problems with you. My name is Stu by the way.
Stu you seem like a great guy. I'll make a deal with you, I'll let you cry in front of me but only after we have sex.
The problem with that is I can only achieve an erection after an outward showing of emotion. Therefore, I must discuss my problems first.
Maybe we could go back to your place and discuss this some more. Your ideas are very intriguing to me, I've never dealt with someone with a problem such as yours.

 

by crabby
3-17-04
As you can tell from my homes furnishings I obviously live in a forrest. That makes up a large amount of my problems. Woman just don't appreciate a good forrest home as much as they used too.
I find your forrest lodging to be both spacious and comforting. I think perhaps you should just try to find a girl who can respect you not for what you have, but what you can offer them spirtually.
That is just the first of my two problems. My second problem is that I have an extreme problem with commitment. I've never been able to settle down with one woman for a long period of time.
Perhaps you just haven't found the right woman yet. When that special woman comes along you will find that you two were meant to be together. Any other problems?
I'm 179 years old. Due to a family curse the only way I can die is if I find true love. So in order to solve my other problems I would therefore be killing myself.
Stu you weave a tangled web. Have you taken into consideration that by killing yourself with true love you will be freeing yourself from this curse?

 

by crabby
3-17-04
Well, I suppose you've held up your end of the bargain. I guess I'm now forced to have sex with you.
Your problems aren't really that bad Stu maybe you just need some good sex to take your mind off of it. Maybe hookers aren't the answer.
Actually, I think hookers are definetly the answer. Iconvince them that I have lots of problems and then bring them here to this forrest. I tell them that this forrest is my home and then murder them.
Well..........I'll just be going now.
My only real problem is that I can only get an erection from killing a woman, then I sleep with their corpse. This cup is filled with the tears of the act I just performed. Bottoms Up!

 

by crabby
3-17-04
God, please give me the strength to fire this man.
You wanted to talk to me sir?
Your office etiquette is lacking!
Sorry boss, I'll make sure to work on that.
DON'T LEAVE YET!! YOUR LACK OF COLOR DISRUPTS YOUR FELLOW CO-WORKERS! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LET YOU GO!
If this is about my albino features I'll see you in court.

 

by crabby
3-17-04
As judge I rule in favor of the Albino. He will be reinstated into the work place immediately, with a promotion.
He will be given a large corner office and a plant to water. A NICE PLANT!
I also hereby declare that owl spend a minimum of 19 days in an Ohio state prison.

 

by crabby
3-17-04
What are you in for buddy?
I fired an albino.
You make me sick!

 

by crabby
3-17-04
Hey Sunny, what did I miss while I was away from the office?
Well that damn albino got eaten by his plant.
The plant ate the albino?
Actually it was Steve from Engineering, but we all blamed it on the plant.
Thats awful!
Not really we all hated that fuck.

 

by crabby
3-31-04
Hey! Did you hear the Mayor of town is giving a huge speech!
Yeah! I heard he's going to announce the new head of sanitation today!
Maybe one of us will win the honor!
That would make my day!
As mayor of town I hereby name FUN as the new head of sanitation!

 

!
by crabby
4-01-04
Stacy, I just wanted to say good-bye! I'm really going to miss your friendship but I have to go down to my uncle's farm for college!
WoW! The big city! What will you be studying!
I'm going to major in playfulness! I hope to meet a nice man who will respect me and treat me as an equal!
You're so lucky! My uncle owns no farm! I have no college to attend!
I will pack you in my suitcase! Then you can learn all my classes while I attend!
You're my best friend ever!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Uncle Melvin! I have arrived and I am ready to begin my classes!
I'm so alone on this farm! All I have in this world is this college and Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson! Other than that I am all alone!
Will Kevin Richardson be teaching any of the classes I will be attending?!
He teaches them all! We met during the Ireland leg of his 97 tour and we really hit it off! He loves farm colleges!
I must confess, I brought my friend along in my suitcase!
GOOD LORD! I must now marry her! She is marvelous! We will move to my Arizona summer home! I leave this farm to you! Don't feed Kevin Richardson after sundown!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Kevin Richardson I jus wanted to say hello! I inherited this farm from my uncle!
yo.
I can't feed you Kevin it's after sundown!
word.
I don't care if the sun is still over Thailand! Stop Kevin Richardson! You've penetrated my Thought Dome I can't take it!
dance?

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Why would Kevin Richardson of BackStreet Boys fame do this to me?!
He's gone straght to the inner workings of my mind to force me to feed him!
But if I feed him that would go against everything I learned in my college teachings!
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kevin Richardson is entering his own thoughts into my mind now!
yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Kevin Richardson you sent my body into complete shock! I was passed out for 83 hours! You stole all the money from the college and burned down the farm! yet I still love you!
dope.
So let us get married! This nightfall I shall feed you!
mackdaddy?
Oh no! Feeding you after nightfall causes you to turn into a norseman!
MY HEART IS TRUE! OUR BOND IS STRONG! SO OUR DAYS WILL CARRY ON! THROUGH SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AND DREAMLESS DREAMS!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
Well.....
You are now the prince of a small rat colony which presides in New Hampshire. You will assinate the king in 15 days and claim the throne, at which time I want to be named secretary of the interior.

 

by crabby
4-01-04
MuthaFuckin Alishia Keys welcome to the Kid MuthaFuckin Rock show! Where'd you learn to play tha piano like that, ho?
Well I began taking classical leasons at age 6...
Damn bitch yur parents musta been rich as fuck! Damn, you remind me of a piano all Ebony & Ivory and shit!
I told my agent I shouldn't do any shows on VH1.
Bitch VH1 is street as fuck thas why they bring in tha MuthaFuckin Kid Rock! Join us next week when our guest will be Ru Paul!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Ru Paul what is up! It's nice to have a real woman like yurself in tha muthafuckin house!
Yeah...real woman!
My producer tryin to tell me somethin....hold on! So what if she got a dick everybody got a dick!
Everybody got a dick?
I'm from the D everybody got a dick!

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Mutha Fuckin soccer sensation Freddy Adu whats up!
I'm only 14!
Bitch you 36 I know a midget when I see one!
I play soccer.
Well then you'll be good as suckin this dick wit out usin yur hands bitch!
Kick ball.

 

by crabby
4-01-04
Mutha Fuckin Christmas in July what up Santa! Why you ain't neva bring me no shit growin up?
Because you're a prick ass wigger and I hate you!
What tha fuck Santa bring that Christmas Funk!
You're Jewish!
Damn Santa get tha fuck off my stage!
Dirty jew.

 

by crabby
4-02-04
Help!
What's the problem little mouse?
I'm a handsome prince turned into a mouse by an evil spell
I'll see what I can do about it.
And then the handsome prince and the lovely fairy lived happily ever after.....for 8 years then the bitch decided her life was boring and ran of with half his money and the Cuban pool boy!!!!!!!
Dad is really taking the divorce hard.

 

by crabby
4-03-04
It's tha MuthaFuckin Kid Rock back again ya'll! Tonight's guest is Martha Stewart. Martha what yur bitch ass gonna do in jail?
Well kid, I plan to spice it up by adding a small plant in the corner to give the room more flavor.
Bitch you ain't gona get no plants in jail!
No plants? But surely my vaporizer will be allowed in the cell.
The only vaporizer you gona get is yur roomates cunt in yur mouth ho!
HOLY SHIT!!!!! I'M TOTALLY NOT READY FOR THIS!!!!!!!!!!

 

by crabby
4-03-04
Damn Matha Stwewart street as fuck! Ain't no guest gonna be able to top that shit!
Bitch you know who I am? You have any ideas how much shit i been throughth?
Yeah yur a real hard ass wit yur ghetto lisp. Who let this guy on my MuthaFuckin Set?
AHM FIFTHTY THENT, AHMN FIFTHTY THENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well then lets party like it's yur birthday MuthaFucker!!!!
I knew that shith would come back to haunt me.

 

by crabby
4-03-04
MuthFuckin Kid Rock here my next guest is fuckin important to me. His ass really inspired me to become an artist when I was growin up. MuthaFuckin Thomas Dolby!
Actually my name is Bruce Moreland I was the bassist for Wall of Voodoo. I'm here to talk about our upcoming appearance on VH1's
Bitch ass producer! You promised me a true thug like Thomas Dolby not no lame ass Bruce Moreland!
I really don't need this. I've had a rough couple of years. My wife left me. Then later in an unrelated incident she caused me to go blind. I really don't need you to ridicule me.
Yur wife left you blind huh? Did she blind you wit science?
I'M NOT THOMAS DOLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Showing page 14.

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