All comics by kramer_vs_kramer

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Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Womack! These babies, they're not aborted, are they?
No sir. I like to wait until they're done in the oven, if you know what I'm saying.
I sure do.
We're talking about cakes, right?

 

I do not understand. Tell me more of this human thing called "love".
Love? Love is sitting alone every weekend, wondering why the phone never rings while listening to the couple upstairs having noisy sex.
Love is watching all the happy couples walking through town while knowing deep down all you have to go home to is a "Barely Legal" DVD and a bottle of hand lotion.
I'm going to go and ask someone else.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-07-05
This is me in, um, I'm not sure too actually. Hold on...
Oh, I see. I must have spat on the lens to clean it.
Business must have been good that day.

 

Howard, I need to speak with you about your conduct.
Yes, Mr Brooks?
It's your style of dress, I don't think it's appropriate for working as an undertaker.
An undertaker? I thought I was a children's entertainer.
Did you not notice all the crying?
I just thought I was really shit.

 

When shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?
I was meaning to ask you about that. Could we not meet up when it's sunny?
It's just that it's a total nightmare drying out these robes after our meetings.
You never hear Third Witch complaining about the weather.
That's because she died of pneumonia.

 

Big Brother is watching you!
You mean we're being constantly monitored by a totalitarian government?
Not exactly...
"You mean we're being constantly monitored by a totalitarian government?"
Just remember, it doesn't count as incest if we're not in the same room...

 

Excuse me waiter, could you help me with this menu? I don't understand what any of this stuff is.
Certainly sir. This is a very exclusive restaurant, so we give our dishes names befitting the status of our esteemed patrons.
It's like when you go to a french restaurant and have no idea what anything is, it makes it all seem that bit more classy.
I see. So what is "Excelsior"?
That's a cheese sandwich.

 

Hey Sawyer, how are things?
Hey! You're a cowboy, so I'm going to call you "Tex"
Sawyer, can I borrow one of the guns?
Hey! You're an Arab, so I'm going to call you "Abdul"
Ummm....

 

It's been a while, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man.
Indeed it has, Paralysis Man. Been up to anything exciting?
Oh right, the paralysis.

 

So what have you been up to in the four years since our last comic, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man?
I brokered some stock, Paralysis Man.
That's it?
Yes.

 

We really are two spectacularly dull characters, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man.
That's true, Paralysis Man.
There's got to be something we could do to liven these comics up.
Wait- I have an idea.

 

You know, I really hate you, Green T-Shirt Beard Stockbroker Man.
Why's that, Paralysis Man?
You're not paralysed, yet your life is even more dull than my own. If I could move like you can, I would be out seeing the world instead of sitting at a desk working all day.
I mean, have you ever climbed a mountain? Swam in the sea? Made sweet sweet love to a beautiful woman?
I made 43 million dollars today. That buys a hell of a lot of realdolls.

 

So, how did you get on with the random drug testing? Suffer any side effects?
Ah, wait. You were given the placebo.

 

Javier, we need to talk. Your bad temper is spoiling the group dynamic in the house. If you don't make nice you're probably going to be up for eviction.
What? I don't need to take that kind of shit. I'm a fucking master wizard, those fuckers had better think twice before putting me up for fucking eviction if they know what's good for them.
See? This is what I'm talking about. You need to get your act together or you'll have no chance of winning the money.
You need to shut the fuck up. If I find out you've been getting those other fuckers to vote for me I'm turning you into a fucking elephant or something.
I already am an elephant.
See? I'm that good.

 

MikeyG, I haven't told you lately how much I despise you, you wretched little pissflap. MikeyG? WankerG more like.
Um, Kramer, he said to make a comic about a current user. I haven't been on the site in ages. You'd better make fun of someone else or you'll have no chance of winning.
I hate you, WankerG.

 

AccentuateNegative? Fag-centuateNegative more like. Hahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! I just called you gay!
So, can I buy you a drink?

 

Why are we standing in these stupid positions?
Blame RandomComicGayOutGuy. His comic making technique seems to consist of throwing a load of shit at the wall and seeing what sticks. It's inevitable you'll get crap like this.
So we're standing back to back in front of the White House. Where's the joke in that?
Um, maybe we're having a duel? That's it. A duel. In front of the White House. There's the joke there.
That RandomComicGayOutGuy really is a twat.
Yes. Yes he is.

 

Boorite? Boo-shite more like. I heard former librarians like to take it up the ass from rich oriental businessmen in exchange for ducats.
Say that to my face, why don't you?
I can't, this is a random comic layout. You're lucky we got the right character for you, you could have been represented by the elephant or something.
That explains why we appear to be in bed together.
No, that was deliberate.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-25-06
Good work Cuba! Want a Cuba Snack?
Che Guevara says that the proletariat should be happy to work for the good of the state, and should not require material incentives.
Zoinks!

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-07-06
Excuse me. Where could I find some orange juice?
I'd guess at a fake tan shop in Jerusalem.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
12-07-06
Excuse me, my cat has scratched me. Do you have any germolene?
Is that antiseptic?
No, I love the Jews!

 

Wow! It's you! I'm like your biggest fan!
Really?
Fuck yeah! Go on, sing one of your songs!
Um, okay. My loneliness is killing me, hit me baby one more time!
Which Smashing Pumpkins album was that on?

 

I'm here to pick up my horse.
Your horse? Ah yes, the severe rectal trauma.
Wait a minute, my horse wasn't suffering severe rectal trauma.
I wasn't talking about the horse. Say, do you want to buy some DVDs?

 

I'm here to pick up my gerbil.
Ah yes, the gerbil. I'm afraid we... lost it.
It's up your ass isn't it?
No.
So why are you walking funny? And what's that squeaking noise?
New shoes?

 

Wait a minute, there's something wrong with this bill. You've attached an extra penis to my chimp and charged me £500.
Yes?
You told me it would be £400.

 

As you can see, this kindergarten offers state of the art childcaring facilities , Mr...
Grrr! Womack and Womack will eat your babies!
Our staff are all highly trained childcare professionals. Do you have any questions?
Yes, can I make a reservation for six o'clock tonight?
I'm afraid we shut at four, Mr Womack.
In that case, do you do takeaway?

 

Okay. For the next stage of this job interview, I want you to tell me how tall this man is in millimetres.
Why?
Psychometric testing.

 

Mr President, is it true to say you now have an exit strategy for Iraq?
That's correct. I plan to evacuate the troops by building a giant secret escape pipe. Tunnel.
Iraq's a pretty big place. You expect them all to march cross-country through this tunnel?
To speed up the exit, the troops will be supplied with state of the art military toboggans.
Toboggans?
Of course, we'll have to lubricate the tunnel with oil. Lots of oil.

 

Father, I'm here to pay my respects to the deceased.
I see. Were you a friend of hers?
Yes, I was there when she died.
Ah, so you'd be the one who raped and murdered her last week?
Actually, it was murder, then rape.
You could have gone easier on her. I had a go yesterday and could barely touch the sides.

 

You wanted to see me, Mr McMahon?
Yes, Benoit. The WWE directors think your image could be edgier, so we want you to kill your family then shoot yourself.
But Vince, isn't that a bit drastic?
Nonsens, Chris. Plenty of wrestlers have turned heel. Don't you remember 9/11?
This plane's going down, because Stone Cold said so!

 

Ha! Look at this sheep in his Hot Topic t-shirt! You're such a sheep, you should be an individual like us.
Yeah!
Fucking conformist!

 

Hey, nice t-shirt! What does it say?
It says "Jesus loves you - everyone else thinks you're a festering puddle of dog cum"
Radical!
I feel it shows my sociopathic side, and how angry I am with society today. Man, I am pissed!
Anyway, on to business. Why do you want to work for the Samaritans?

 

 

Eugenics Man, thank God you're here! My wife is trapped in that burning building over there - you've got to save her!
Trapped, eh?
Yes! She can't get her wheelchair down the stairs!
Hold on - she's in a wheelchair?
That's right, she's paraplegic. So, are you going to save her?
No.

 

Greetings, time traveller. Welcome to the year 2146!
Wow, I can't believe the time machine worked. I'm really in the future!
That is correct. We have made many great advances since your own time. Humans now live for 200 years, and we have even discovered a cure for homosexuality!
Really? How does that work?

 

I brought my PC to you to get the RAM upgraded and instead you've taken a shit on the motherboard.
Ah, but that's no ordinary shit.
No?
It's a special 2Ghz shit with 512Mb bus. It'll help you surf the interweb faster, download free movies and play all the latest games.
I see. And why is there jizz in there too?
I'm a coprophiliac

 

Hi. I brought in my laptop to get the battery replaced, and instead you've superglued a dead kitten to it.
Ah, but that's no ordinary kitten.
No?
It's a special 2Ghz kitten with 512Mb bus. It'll help you surf the interweb faster, download free movies and play all the latest games.
I see. And why is there a gerbil jammed in the USB port?
That fell out my arse while I was gluing on the kitten.

 

Hi. You sold me this telling me it would give me high speed wireless, but it turned out to be a loaf of bread.
Ah, but that's no ordinary bread.
No?
It's special 2Ghz bread with 512Mb bus. It'll help you surf the interweb faster, download free movies and play all the latest games.
I see. And why did you sell me a dead hooker and tell me she was an inkjet printer?
I hanged her with a USB cable and now I can't get the knot out.

 

I'd like to buy a screen protector for my iPhone, please.
You don't need one. It's impossible to scratch an iPhone's screen.
Really?
Unless you use a diamond.
And then you stabbed him in the face with a diamond?
Too bad they don't do face protectors either.

 

Oh my god, it's Stephen Hawking! You're my favourite theoretical physicist, can I give you a blowjob?
If you want, however I must warn you that I have a quantum bionic cock, so the results could be... unpredictable.
Bionic? Does that mean it's super long, and super hard?
No, I mean it exists in the fourth dimension.
FOUR DAYS EARLIER
What the-?

 

Okay kid, here's the plan. I crawl through the vent and open the safe from the inside, you grab all the money and meet me outside.
Okay, but I keep meaning to ask. You're a giant beetle, what do you need the money for?
I owe my cosmetic surgeon $50,000.
Cosmetic surgeon? What did you have done?
I used to be a giraffe.

 

Congratulations - It's a boy!
Oh my god! I can't believe I'm a father! Does he look like me?
I'll just bring him in.
That WHORE!

 

5...........................10.............................
15..........................20............................
25..........................30............................

 

Hey! Those are some pretty impressive manboobs!
Yeah, and check it out - I can lactate!
I really need to lay off the milkshakes.

 

I am an unambitious waster type character with a temper and a drink problem.
I hate you!!!
IN THE PAST
Hi! I am an unambitious waster type character with a temper and a drink problem.
I love you!!!
AND THEN:
We are in a spaceship.

 

You have to help me officer. Somebody broke into my pants while I was asleep and left a big shit in there.
I see, and do you have a description?
Well, it was kind of half solid and half liquid, like if Salvador Dali had painted it.
No, I mean of the felon who did the deed.
I dunno, but the shit seemed to contain the hairs of a small rodent.
10-4, 10-4. get a warrant for Richard Gere's arrest immediately!

 

"I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. "
Dr King! Your dream has come true! We've now got a black president, and we're even allowing gay people to get married!
Hold on- there weren't any gays in my dream.
Well, there was one- but I'm hardly going to make speeches about that.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
Oh man! These new shoes I've bought are so loud when I walk. It's awesome! Everyone will hear me coming and be like "Check out that guy with the loud shoes, he's so cool!"
Anyway. Time to get dressed for work.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
What is that infernal racket coming from upstairs? Is someone stomping about in clompy shoes?
I'm going to go upstairs and complain.

 

by kramer_vs_kramer
11-06-14
Hey, do you like my new shoes? I bought them off a tapdancer on Ebay. This way, people will be able to hear me from miles away!
You think that's loud? I put gunpowder in my heels so there's an explosion with every step. People will hear me coming from the next state!
Damn you, Smythe, there's no way you're beating me to this promotion. I'm going to wire a car alarm to my brogues.
I attached a jet engine to my winkle pickers.
Accept it, Wilkins, you're looking at the new head librarian.

Showing page 14.

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