All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
7-21-04
How many e-mails did you have when you got back from vacation?
102.
How long did it take for you to sort through all that?
Only about 45 minutes?
Really?
Yeah, after I deleted all the e-mails about cake in the breakroom, there wasn't much left.

 

by choadwarrior
7-21-04
That's a nice haircut.
Thanks, it cost me $200.
$200!
Yeah, she went down my neck and didn't know where to stop.

 

by choadwarrior
7-21-04
Hey man! Long time no see! Where ya been?
I've been in a recovery program. I've now been clean and sober for 6 months.
That's great! Really, really great! This makes me soooo happy!
Thanks.
Now you can be my designated driver.

 

by choadwarrior
7-22-04
Did you see Governor Schwarzenegger was in town yesterday at the Cheesecake Factory?
Why did he go there?
I guess there isn't a Beefcake Factory.

 

by choadwarrior
7-24-04
Did you do anything fun this weekend?
Yeah, I went on the heli-pad of a skyscraper downtown and watched the fireworks show along the bay.
We were at eye-level for the big finale and could feel the concussions.
How was it?
Heli-cool.

 

by choadwarrior
7-25-04
I saw "The Terminal" this weekend. Have you seen it? You really need to see this movie. It is sooooo goooood.
I hate fake accents in movies, plus it just looks so bland and stupid.
Nobody here understands my taste in movies here.
So have you seen "The Terminal" yet?

 

by choadwarrior
7-26-04
Sometimes I think I'll never get ahead.
What do you mean, you've got a pretty good job.
Yeah, but the baby boomers have accumulated so much disposable wealth, they've driven the prices up on everything, especially now that their kids are all out of college.
Be patient, they'll start dying off in a few years and all that money and property will get redistributed.
Not if the casinos and pharmaceutical companies get it first.

 

by choadwarrior
7-29-04
Do you want to grab lunch and talk business?
Sure, but I have an 11:30 meeting, so I probaly won't be ready until 12:30.
I don't know if I can wait that long--I'm starving.
Can't you just snack on the crumbs under your chair?

 

by choadwarrior
7-29-04
Another great feature on this car is that On-Star comes with it standard.
I'm under sixty and I have my own cell phone, I don't need On-Star.
But what if you're in a bad neighborhood and you lock your keys in your car? On-Star can unlock your doors for you.
That would never happen.
How can you say that?
If I ever took this car into a bad neighborhood, I certainly wouldn't get out of it.

 

by choadwarrior
7-29-04
The other day, some dirty guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to make a couple bucks.
Sick. What did he want?
I don't know.
You didn't ask?
Someone asking me if I want to make a couple bucks is kind of like someone asking you if they can have a couple bucks.
Good point.

 

by choadwarrior
8-02-04
How come you left your last job?
I was actually laid off, but it was just an excuse to get rid of me.
Why did they want to get rid of you?
My boss was intimidated by me because I was such a good worker and I knew more than him.
Yeah, one thing I HATE is when I have hard-working, intelligent employees who require little supervision. God, that sucks.
That's why I micro-manage mine.

 

by choadwarrior
8-02-04
Do you have that information I requested last week?
I haven't gotten to that yet.
I told you I'm under a strict deadline! I'm tired of your slacking sabotaging my efforts.
Look, I don't want to get into an ugly confrontation with you.
I don't see how you could get into any other kind.

 

by choadwarrior
8-03-04
Theodore Roosevelt once said:
Explain to me why you only hire morons again.
They don't come with any pre-conceived notions of how to do their jobs, so I can make them do everything my way.
"The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good men to do what he wants done...
Wouldn't you be better served by people who are experienced and knowledgable in their field?
No--it's job security. If there is nobody to take my place, they can never fire me.
and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they're doing it."
Or promote you.

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-04
Oh--you're in a meeting. I was just going to come in here and get a piece of candy out of your dish. Would it be too much trouble to sneak in and get a piece? I know you have candy in here.
Go ahead.
Thanks, I'll just be a second, I really don't want to bother or interrupt you. It's just that it's after lunch and I'm craving something sweet. I promise not to bother you any more. Ooh! Chocolate!
Does this ever stop?
Yeah, when she's chewing.

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-04
Christ on a cracker! What the fuck is that?
It is what it is.

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-04
One of the things I liked about working for you is that you always provided clear, detailed instructions.
It really made my job easier by taking out the guesswork.
I don't do that as much anymore.
Why not?
I have a secretary who doesn't have to guess at what she's doing.

 

by choadwarrior
8-04-04
I've never been to Claim Jumper. Is it any good?
The portions are HUGE, and the mud pie is as big as your head!
I don't care for Olive Garden--it's pretty mediocre.
Mmmmm....I LOVE the free breadsticks!
Do you know a place where you don't have to pay a whole lotta cash to get a whole lotta steak?
It's GOT to be APPLEBEE'S!

 

by choadwarrior
8-05-04
We think one of our employees has been embezzling money from a special education program--we need you to look into it.
We'll have to keep this strictly confidential.
Of course--we don't want her finding out and destroying evidence or interfering with the investigation.
Or, if she's innocent, I don't want a slander case on my hands.
Keep me updated, but if you send any e-mails, avoid using the employee's name.
Can I call her the Tard Burglar?

 

by choadwarrior
8-06-04
9:15 a.m.
We have extra bagels and danishes in our office from a meeting we had this morning if you're interested.
11:30 a.m.
I know it's a little early, but would you like to go to lunch?
2:45 p.m.
You'd better get over to the break room. The birthday cake is almost finished!
Nah, I think I'll stay here and try to remember the time when people ate between working instead of the other way around.

 

by choadwarrior
8-06-04
Look, I'm not even sure what Tard Burglar means, but please don't let anyone in the Special Ed department hear you say that.
Okay.
How's the investigation going?
I think I may have discovered that more employees are involved and they've skimmed much more than we thought.
How does our original suspect figure in the scheme?
She's the Tardfather.

 

by choadwarrior
8-06-04
Sounds like you've built a pretty solid case. I'll have no problem getting an arrest warrant.
I just wish we would have caught this sooner.
Do you want prosecution or restitution?
Well, not only did they steal from us, but they skimmed money from a program designed to help the kids who needed it the most.
So both?
They should be tard and feathered.

 

by choadwarrior
8-07-04
Just the oil change and tire rotation today, sir?
Yes.
I'll ring you up now, we're almost finished.
The technician will bring your car up as soon as he's finished changing all your radio station presets and moving your seat to where you can't get it back how you like it.

 

by choadwarrior
8-09-04
How come you didn't tell me they were throwing a birthday party for you in the office?
I didn't think that was the kind of thing you'd want to go to.
Have I told you lately that I love you?

 

by choadwarrior
8-09-04
I've come to check on the status of my claim.
I denied it--the cause was an "act of god."
You can't use "act of god." You're a government entity and that violates separation of church and state, you hypocrite.
I'm also an atheist.

 

by choadwarrior
8-11-04
They better give me everything I want in my salary review.
What will happen if they don't?
I'll create all sorts of havoc, like a bull in a china shop.
I'm usually more worried about a bull's horns than a cow's hips.

 

by choadwarrior
8-12-04
I give you a lot of shit, but in all honesty, I think you handle employee problems really well.
What would you say my best quality is as a leader.
You're thick-skinned?

 

by choadwarrior
8-12-04
Welcome to the management retreat.
We're just meeting down the street at the community center instead of our conference room. Why do they call it a retreat?
Because by the end of the day, you're going to want to run out of here as fast as you can, screaming all the way.

 

by choadwarrior
8-14-04
I want you to meet the new director who is taking over my old department.
I'm glad they finally hired someone. Welcome aboard.
Thanks, I know I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
And pants, blouse, sweater, mouth...

 

by choadwarrior
8-18-04
You're so patient, I can't ever picture you getting angry.
Actually, that isn't true at all. I'm quite impatient but I'm smart enough to control my temper.
How come I've never seen you like that?
I only snap if it's appropriate for the situation and will actually help get what I want.
In your case, I kept my mouth shut because I didn't think screaming, "GET SMART" had any chance of working.

 

by choadwarrior
8-20-04
One of my favorite books is "Catch-22"
I have a consultant on the phone who wants to schedule an appointment to come in.
What does my calendar look like for next week.
Today I thought about Major Major
You're booked solid.
Then he can come in any time next week.
He taught me how to avoid people
When will you be available to meet him?
He can see me in my office whenever I'm not in my office.

 

by choadwarrior
8-21-04
Hi, I've come by to ask a favor.
What?
Whenever me and my roommate are loud, come over and tell us--DON'T CALL THE COPS!
We want to be good neighbors.
If that were so, you'd be quiet in the first place and not wait for a bothered neighbors or cops to tell you to shut the fuck up.

 

by choadwarrior
8-22-04
Hello, London Police? A man followed me home from the underground and now he's trying to break into my building.
Wow--nine constables showed up in two minutes and started beating and kicking the shit out of that guy.
Right. We've nicked the burglar. Sorry to bother you.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-04
Your dad is so nice. Every morning he honks and waves at me and the other moms on the block as we take our morning walk.
Hey dad, can you drive me to school today.
Sure.
You can wave at the fat asses with me.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-04
Ooh. That's a big dog you have. Is he friendly?
Sure go ahead and pet him.
Watch this--he'll bite her leg off and feast for a year.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-04
I really like working for your father.
Really?
Yeah, but I can't ever figure out if he's joking with me or insulting me.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-04
I gave Randy his performance review today.
What did you tell him?
That he'd never go anywhere if he didn't learn to keep his fucking mouth shut.
Later...At the retirement party...
I'd never be in the position I am today if your dad hadn't told me to keep my fucking mouth shut.

 

by choadwarrior
8-24-04
What did you think of the big barbecue we had today for the entire staff?
My hamburger was burnt on the outside and raw on the inside, so I got a hot dog, which was cold.
We got such a great deal on the catering company.

 

by choadwarrior
8-26-04
OH MY GOD! SEX AND THE CITY! I'll bet people tell you that you look like Aiden all the time.
Aiden Quinn?
No! The guy who plays Aiden on "Sex and the City." You know, he was also in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding."
Actually, I've never seen either of those.
Really? That's my favorite tv show and movie. Mister, you really blew your shot for me.
That's a relief.

 

by choadwarrior
8-26-04
Are you wearing your hair differently?
I'm dog sitting at my parent's house.
What does that have to do with anything?
I left my product at home.

 

by choadwarrior
8-26-04
Herro? Herro? Prease to rift my hermet.
Oh no.
Ret me outta here!
Just my luck
I am glateful for assistance.
I couldn't very well go into battle with a chink in the armour.

 

by choadwarrior
8-30-04
We're going to have to charge you for an extra seat.
That's bullshit! I'm never flying your airline again.
Thank you.

 

by choadwarrior
9-01-04
If you don't hire me as your consultant, I'll inform every regulatory agency I can think of that you are out of compliance.
I realize we have a few recordkeeping problems and it is my goal to tighten that up.
I'd love to come in and show you my compliance programs.
I'm sure you would--I'll keep you in mind when I'm hiring a consultant.
Excellent.
No--I mean I'll keep it in mind that you've threatened me and pissed me off.

 

by choadwarrior
9-01-04
Did he really threaten to blow the whistle on us if we didn't hire him?
Yeah, he's a real marketing genius.
I don't see how he can really cultivate clients that way.
He's a pariah in his profession.
Doesn't he have any self-respect?
I think his combover answers that question.

 

by choadwarrior
9-01-04
I can't believe how well you utilized the space here in my old office.
I just put the furniture where I thought it made sense.
It looks twice as big now, you should help me with my new office.
I'm not sure I can help you make your office look bigger.
Why not?
You'll be in it.

 

by choadwarrior
9-01-04
Your birthday is next week.
Yes, it is.
We have to start making plans for an office party.
No we don't.
Don't you want to celebrate with your friends?
My friends work in other offices.

 

by choadwarrior
9-04-04
Hey, you wanna go down to the Beachcomber for a few beers.
I don't like the crowd there.
What's wrong with it?
It's full of middle-aged guys in Hawaiian shirts.
So?
They really ought to call that place the Beachcombover.

 

by choadwarrior
9-05-04
Remember when we used to come to these games when we were in college.
Barely.
We used to bring a 12-pack for each person to the tailgate party and we'd still run out of beer.
Now we're splitting a 6-pack.
It's kinda sad.
Not as sad as it would be if we were still doing that in our thirties.

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
How was your car rental experience with us?
Excellent. I always go to Enterprise because I know I'll never have to deal with an idiot behind the counter.
That's because we're empowered!
No, it's because you all have business degrees and you've been suckered into thinking that renting cars is a management training program.
What was that you said about an idiot behind the counter?

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
You're looking at the wrong shirts, my man. Those are too small.
No, I'm a 16 inch neck. You can measure it if you don't believe me.
Uh-oh.
16-and-a-half?
No--16.
Don't I win a plush toy now?

 

by choadwarrior
9-08-04
I need you to talk to my employees and tell them a bunch of stuff they don't want to hear.
Why don't you do it yourself?
Because it sounds better when it comes from you and they won't blame me.
I don't know if this will be more difficult for you or me.
Why?
First you're going to have to learn to drink water while throwing your voice, then you're going to have to shove your fist up my ass to pull my mouth string.

Showing page 15.

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