All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
6-04-05
i don't like the idea that i can't talk politics or religion like a normal american without alienating myself even more.
you know this might not sound like a big comfort but that statement sounds very american.
i mean the most american thing i do is shop and wal-mart and drive a big escalade.
hey, i almost forgot about that. you can always put on some bigger wheels and a boomier sound system.
instead of intellectual discourse? how shallow and materialistic can you... hey wait.
i knew you'd see my point.

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
hey man, do you have tivo at your house?
yeah why?
i need to catch up on the latest episodes of 'lost'. i really need to know what's in the hatch.
uh.. they haven't shown that part yet.
yeah but can't we fast forward to next season?
dude..

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
what's your favorite line from the movie 'garden state'?
wow, i can't believe you're not really retarded.
no, i mean the movie 'garden state'.
exactly.
i don't remember that line.
dude..

 

by Cobb
6-04-05
i seem to be having problems recognizing reality.
you're not trying to get back with me are you?
no. why would you say that? i mean no, i just think i need to talk to someone about it. you know, as a friend.
are you clean? could you pass a piss test?
no, i haven't slept with anyone since we broke up.. really.
drugs, you idiot. i'm talking about drugs.

 

by Cobb
6-10-05
i gather you've heard the news about medical marijuana. the supreme court has overruled california.
whatever.
you don't sound too concerned about it.
you're not a rat, so why should i worry?
so how about that $20 you owe me?
i'm beginning to worry about the state of our nation's character.

 

by Cobb
6-10-05
i've got an idea that will allow you to satisfy your desire for oversight and increase public safety too.
what, pray tell, has your remarkable mind wrought, oh sage one?
shoot the freeway shooters.
led by you of course.
see, we setup two firing points...
what color is the boathouse at hereford?

 

by Cobb
6-10-05
you got good grades in school, has anyone accused you of 'acting white'?
please. don't come at me with that. you're the republican.
i'm not looking for sympathy, i just wanted to know.
yeah right. if i remember correctly you were with princess buttercup when i met you.
i see this is a sensitive subject for you.
yeah well, i'm still blacker than you.

 

by Cobb
6-10-05
i can't believe you said that you're blacker than me. what's that all about?
i just am that's all.
where's your certificate?
oh you think it's a joke? you don't know all the crap i put up with as a black woman. let me tell you...
..oh yeah? i've been to the slave castle in ghana...
..aww shit. it's on...

 

by Cobb
6-13-05
we now interrupt all substantive discussion to bring you this breaking news: michael jackson was found not guilty on all charges.
oh great. how are we supposed to have a debate about blackness when michael jackson is leading the news?
i don't think people realize how distracting this can be.
well, at least we know we're blacker than him.
don't be too sure. he's like oj now - blacker than anybody.

 

by Cobb
6-16-05
you realize that we were right all along about terri schiavo's brain.
so this is your chance to rub it in. this must truly motivate you.
go ahead and make jokes. you call yourself reality based but when it comes down to it, all you conservatives are just...
..i for one believed bill cosby, who was profound on the matter.
what did bill cosby ever say about..
jello pudding!

 

by Cobb
6-21-05
i have a kind of difficult question to ask.
go ahead.
well, your family is kinda rich and i wondered if you could give me some financial advice...
sure, but why is that a difficult question?
i don't know if this makes you a black leader or a white leader.
huh?

 

by Cobb
6-21-05
well, when blacks lead blacks they are obviously called 'black leaders'.
yeah, even when they're not leaders.
but what about when blacks lead whites?
does it happen enough for to have a name?
oh don't be so cynical.
ok. they're called aerobics instructors.

 

by Cobb
6-22-05
..and in other news, we'd like to wish all of our african american viewers a happy juneteenth day.
..belated juneteenth...
..we didn't get the memo, but figured you'd understand..

 

by Cobb
6-24-05
i have to commend you on your remarkable restraint over the past few days.
i'm kinda mellow.
you haven't said anything about dick durbin. i expected you to be all over him.
well at first, it was tough not to get all upset, but then he revealed himself to be a faggot crybaby in front of everyone.
are you allowed to say that?
that's just the tip of the iceberg. if you knew what i was thinking to keep myself mellow, your ears would bleed.

 

by Cobb
6-24-05
you can't just go around calling a us senator a 'faggot crybaby'.
well as analogies go, i think it's pretty tame. surely it's less of a stretch of the truth than comparing the us military to the nazis.
but even if durbin was homosexual, that's a very harsh..
you mean like nigger.
you're not making this easy.
look do you want to know what's on my fucking mind or fucking not?

 

by Cobb
6-24-05
you know i'm really sick of all you people pretending to defend free speech when all you really want to hear are euphemisms.
what 'you people'? i thought we were friends.
you know what i mean. i'm just sick of editing my thoughts. if i want to say dick durbin is a traitorous asswipe then
..then you'll never get published in..
fuck the mainstream media too.
you'd probably get delinked out of the blogosphere too.

 

by Cobb
6-25-05
blogging your anger?
i'm not the only one.
like?
american warmonger, evil white guy, grouchy old cripple, electric venom, redneck ramblings, dog snot diaries, house of snark, old and evil...
an entire society of gripe.
america, pal, america.

 

by Cobb
6-26-05
the supreme court says the government can take your private property and convert it to public use without compensating you.
i don't worry about that so much.
because you don't have any property?
because everything i do is for the benefit of the public.
but you're not government. how could you prove it in a court of law?
i have a very large photo collection of naked public officials.

 

by Cobb
7-01-05
are you ready for another supreme court nomination process?
god no. this is going to be horrible.
i can imagine. wow.
it's my body.
huh?
it's my body. i'm going to have to keep reminding everybody. it's my body.

 

by Cobb
7-01-05
i wouldn't worry too much about abortion rights..
well of course you wouldn't. you're a man. that's the problem.
the problem is that i'm a man, or that i wouldn't worry?
jeez, must i explain everything?
i have a feeling that i'm about to lose this argument.
and some body parts if you're not careful.

 

by Cobb
7-01-05
isn't it obvious? bush can't wait to appease the christian right and reverse roe vs wade. just you wait. c boyden gray is loading up the big guns.
c. boyden gray? isn't he the guy that got clarence thomas onto the court?
a proud day for all african americans, right?
yeah whatever. look, i don't see why you're getting so upset about. i mean how many times have you actually needed an abortion?
that's none of your goddamned business! i can't believe you can stand there and ask that question.
well, i did ask you about your needs. i thought that was supposed to be a good thing.

 

by Cobb
7-01-05
hey cow.
hey bull.
i'm about to mount you. would you like some music or something?
nah. that's ok. what's new?
the supreme court of the united states is changing. it might affect human female reproductive rights.
that's nice. ok let's do it.

 

by Cobb
7-01-05
you realize that there simply aren't enough troops in iraq to win. bush can't admit that he made a mistake. what an idiot.
oh. so you support the troops now?
yes of course. even republicans admit that there aren't enough troops. those that are there don't even have body armor. you've got the national guard overextended. it's a disaster.
ok bright boy. if your boy shinseki said we needed 100k troops to guarantee total victory over the insurgents in 6 months, would you support a draft?
don't be ridiculous. americans wouldn't support a draft.
you mean americans like you wouldn't support a total victory.

 

by Cobb
7-10-05
i bet you're pleased that ronald reagan won greatest american.
you betcha. right up there with martin luther king and abraham lincoln. that says it all.
inspiring ain't it?
i don't want to sound ungrateful but i think that there's still one blemish on reagan's record: plausible deniability.
i don't get it.
well we all knew he was right, but we made him hide behind oliver north. it just doesn't sit right with me.

 

by Cobb
7-10-05
so you're saying that poindexter and the rest of reagan's gang had to keep him out of the loop from breaking the law and that was a bad thing?
yeah. the executive branch was hamstrung. he couldn't be the real man even though he was the man.
so you blame congress.
well, even the american public wasn't ready for executive action and the can do attitude that america has finally recovered.
i think that, by definition, that's what should restrict executive action, you know - the american public not being ready for it.
well, thank god for w's political capital.

 

by Cobb
7-12-05
i think we should tell the terrorists that we're not afraid.
i'm not afraid.
i am not afraid.
i'm not afraid.
werenotafraid.com
can you get a t-shirt in my size?

 

by Cobb
7-12-05
have you heard about the 'raging rinos'?
rino as in 'republican in name only?' yeah.
it seems like the party is fracturing.
maybe if we made a new symbol for the g.o.p. we could unite.
what do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
elephino!

 

by Cobb
7-14-05
well the call has finally come.
let me guess. we're off to london.
no, actually we're going to mexico.
get outta here. mexico?
apparently there is some sort of security breach at the border.
no!

 

by Cobb
7-14-05
have you seen the latest speilberg movie?
yeah, i have never seen such a graphic description of alien technology. do you think they may be onto us?
forget that, man, did you see the suckers on the babe in the basement?
be serious for once, this might be a sign that our cover is blown. we need to put this information to good use.
i could put her third leg to good use.
you're killing me.

 

by Cobb
7-18-05
ok, i've had it up to here with this memin pinguin thing.
those mexican stamps?
yeah, i'm about to stamp on some mexicans.
damn. that doesn't bode well for black and latino politics.
hey, there's other latinos than mexicans. this is between me and vicente fox. you got a problemo with that?
uh.. the border is that way.

 

by Cobb
7-20-05
so you're a minutman, eh?
yep. watching the border.
where's your rifle?
eh.. over in the pickup. are you some kind of reporter?
no, no i'm here to help. i brought ammo.
i don't think you understand..

 

by Cobb
7-21-05
i know it sounds strange, but i kind of like geordi laforge better than commander scott.
levar burton, you can't be serious. doohan rocked.
no way. geordi had that cool visor. he could see through walls.
please, he looked like he was wearing an air filter on his head.
well, scotty did talk to that computer mouse.
that was his best scene ever!

 

by Cobb
7-22-05
it's too hot out here.
well, this is the assignement. southwest desert, mexican border.
can't you get me a frappuccino or something?
there's not a starbucks within 50 miles of here.
this is as desolate as darfur.
at least there they had camels.

 

by Cobb
7-22-05
so do you get to shoot any of these infiltrators?
no, this is a hands-off exercise. sneak and peek. strictly intel & recon.
what's to know? there are hundreds of miserable scum humans crawling across a scorching pit of a desert moving from one decrepit country into the bottom of a society too lazy to stop them.
what?

 

by Cobb
7-22-05
ok, you're right. it is kind of dumb for me to be out here when everybody knows what's actually going on.
shouldn't we be in london or someplace where there's bombing and blood?
it is kind of tedious just watching poor people dehydrate.
especially when you can't shoot them. i bet there's this much action in seattle.
still trying to get that frappuccino aren't you?
ya think?

 

by Cobb
7-25-05
how is it that every time we get reassigned to a new country in the war on terrorism, that bombs go off somewhere else? why are we here in mexico?
look, everything has a purpose - we just need to focus on our mission.
your mission. i'm just here to enjoy human suffering and misery first hand, remember?
so illegal immigrants dying of thirst in the desert isn't enough suffering for you?
they don't go boom.
why don't you just go see michael bey's new movie? tell me how you like that.

 

by Cobb
7-25-05
see? it's a real gun.
and you say you're from texas, and that over there is your pickup - the one with the confederate flag on it?
yes, all that is true, but..
..and you still claim that you haven't shot any mexicans down here on the border?
..that's really not what..
what kind of redneck are you anyway?

 

by Cobb
7-26-05
well, now hold on there missy, mebbe i can ask you a question or two. what're you doing down here with the minutemen?
i just decided that i hate mexico. vicente fox just disrespects black people too much. i gotta let 'em know.
and you'd hang out here with us rednecks to make your point?
well, it's us against them isn't it?
i reckon i'd never see the day..
don't go singing ebony and ivory yet, i haven't forgotten that confederate flag.

 

by Cobb
7-26-05
the shuttle is in orbit.
yeah i saw it this morning live.
we all did. i got some cool video.
no, i mean that i was actually there at mission control.
get outta here.
seriously, i was the contingency clown.

 

by Cobb
7-26-05
what is a contingency clown?
nasa hired me to distract children and parents just in case something went wrong with the launch of the shuttle.
jeez. they do think of everything. it's a good thing nothing went wrong,
yeah, but now i have to find a new job.
well, there's that investigation of the plame scandal. that could go horribly wrong.
yeah i tried for that one, but the job went to somebody named roberts.

 

by Cobb
7-30-05
hey, it says here that michael steele is getting money from the republicans to run for senate. ha!
you think that's pretty funny don't you?
of course i do, because i understand that the better republicans treat black candidates, the more black people distrust and hate them. you can't win.
yeah but michael steele isn't just a token, he's..
college educated, no criminal record, respectful.. in other words not black.
you mean not 'black' enough to be a democrat.

 

by Cobb
7-30-05
you know that you haven't gone demonic since sudan. i think if you're going to change things around here it's time for the red pill.
funny you should mention it. those are my precise instructions.
oh this is going to be good. who are you going after?
ms-13
mara salvatrucha? how will you know them from from ordinary mexicans?
i believe that st. peter will handle that end.

 

by Cobb
7-30-05
that was pretty good. now i need to you to go a little bit further south.
you realize that you're a talking pig.
no, i'm your cia case officer. i only appear to you this way when you are in demonic mode. remember me now?
yes sir. i recall now. have i been successful in my mission so far?
well, not exactly. you scalped a few minutemen on the wrong side of the border, but we have deniability. now go out there and wreak some more havoc.
i know this isn't the right time to ask but do you think that when i'm done you can get me a clean shirt?

 

by Cobb
8-03-05
you play soccer don't you?
heck yeah. it's a shame more stupid americans don't respect this sport. you know it's the number one sport in the world.
yeah whatever. there's no high scores, it's just too boring.
you simply don't understand the nuance of the struggle between the two opposing teams. it's one sport where one score is all that's necessary for a resounding victory.
good. i'm here to remind you of the score. john bolton 1, moonbats nil.
i think i'm going to puke.

 

by Cobb
8-08-05
it's really sad that peter jennings is dead.
it's the end of an era.
how do you mean?
he was the last of the boat anchors. people will never depend as heavily on television news as they did in his day.
you said boat anchors. don't you mean news anchors?
bloggian slip.

 

by Cobb
8-11-05
if you were my girlfriend..
no.
..and i was in jail..
no.
..would you bust me out?
nigga you watch too much tv.

 

by Cobb
8-11-05
you've done admirably well in demonic mode. we have you down for 23 confirmed kills of ms-13 gang members, 45 maimings and 88 substantial injuries. you are a one man insurgency.
can i take the blue pill now? i feel reality is slipping away.
unfortunately, your activities, while greatly appreciated by the agency have not made a dent in the illegal alien situation. we're going to have to send you back.
even though the red pill makes humans look like animals and allows me to kill indiscriminately, i'm afraid that i'm gaining sympathy.
we'll adjust your dosage.
i'm feeling like i want a ham sandwich.

 

by Cobb
8-11-05
the demonic agent is performing well, sir. however, we've had to adjust his dosage. he was starting to gain sympathy for the 'animals' he's been killing.
we've anticipated this. the change of dosage won't help for long. we'll have to use 'option p'.
option p?
in order to allow him to keep killing 'animals', we'll send him to peta meetings. once he gets fed up with their propaganda, he'll want to kill animals even more.
that's like reverse psychology right?
exactly. and sometimes we get collateral damage as an added bonus.

 

by Cobb
8-11-05
my case officer is sending me to infiltrate the people for the ethical treatment of animals.
peta? i thought they were already run by the russian mob.
i'm supposed to determine that. we believe that they are in fact connected to al qaeda.
i don't get it. why would al qaeda want people to eat their vegetables?
if i explained the reasoning, this comic strip would break form and become more akin to a congressional deposition.
just admit that you don't know, ok?

 

by Cobb
8-11-05
you know i've stopped trying to figure out the reasons for all of my missions. i just follow orders.
typical. well, that assures that i get to see plenty of suffering and human misery.
then it's settled. no more questions.
blind obedience.
instinct.
i'm starting to think that i'm the only one of us with any critical skills.

Showing page 16.

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