All comics by Ranger77

Profile

 

by Ranger77
5-06-06
You know, if your mother ever found out she would go through the roof.
Kinda figured that might be the case.
She always has been intimidated by beautiful women. That's why she watches Oprah I suppose. Heck, I can't even bring an FHM magazine in the house.
So, you're saying that, for Mom, I should cancel my membership to this site.
Actually I thought maybe we could work a deal. Help me, help you....
My father is blackmailing me for porn. I don't know whether to be horrified or impressed....

 

by Ranger77
5-06-06
Son you've got to help me out here. I need a bit of release....
Um, yeah. This conversation just got a bit too weird for me. I mean come on, why don't you just buy a membership yourself?
I wouldn't dare. You mom and I share the computer and she'll find out. I know she will. You have to help me here. I need some content to work with.
Content to work with?
Can you imagine how humiliating it is to whack off in a closet after everyone goes to bed, to the pictures in People magazine??
That's it. I'm out. Please forward my mail to the Peace Corps. You'll find the address under "Way The Hell Away From Here."

 

by Ranger77
5-07-06
Ok, son. Here's how it is. Give me the login and password to that porn site or I'll tell your mother.
A threat. Ok, I'll make one too. Drop this or I'll tell Mom about the Brett Favre autographed football you bought on eBay for $700.
A mexican standoff, huh? How very 'John Woo'.
The amazing thing is he still hasn't figured out that I'm using HIS credit card.

 

by Ranger77
5-07-06
There have some complaints regarding the last few strips. Specifically the fact that a 16 year old was depicted viewing internet porn.
Sometimes people forget that Ranger's World is a VERY cynical comic and cannot be taken totally in a serious manner.
And let us remember that the characters are serious, well trained actors. Billy here is a graduate of Julliard.
That's right. For example, for the last story arc I studied internet porn daily to capture the right mood.
You "studied" porn daily?
Actually several times a day. I'm quite the perfectionist.

 

by Ranger77
5-09-06
I'm having a moral dilemma, and I have to admit I'm surprised by it.
Go on.
Well I guess the Iranian President, Ahmadinejad, sent a follow up email to his letter. It accidently ended up in my inbox.
Let me guess. You're wondering if you should forward it to the White House, or do something stupid. Well...
Later....
We're of the opinion that the phrase "Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me," is somesort of weird Iranian diplomatic code. The CIA is analyzing it as we speak.
Well I always knew that guy was a crazy, but it was the pictures of his penis he included that really bothers me. I didn't know Iranians were THAT dark to tell you the truth....

 

by Ranger77
5-13-06
We're getting quite tired of all the negative opinion surrounding this presidency. It's easy to forget the good things that this administration has accomplished.
Can you name one for us please?
Because of the extensive monitoring of email and telephone records of American citizens we were able to take clear and decisive action regarding a national crisis.
Ok....
We're proud to announce that the original Star Wars trilogy is on DVD. See, there you go....your tax dollars in action!
Wow.

 

by Ranger77
5-13-06
Ok, so our survelliance of Americans didn't turn up anything. We're still a safer country because of our effective national policies.
We do NOT resort to cheap tactics when we talk about domestic and foreign policy. This administration is for real.
Most of the country actually thinks the President is doing a poor job. Your comments?
I know you are so what am I?
Amazing. You are truly the 'decider.'

 

by Ranger77
5-14-06
Can you spot the Myspace user??
(If you guessed "all of them," you nailed it!)

 

by Ranger77
5-14-06
It seems we are stuck in this dark cave, Captain. It might be some time before the ship's planetary scans will be able to locate us.
That's ok. We just have to keep our heads. Let's talk. It'll help pass the time. Vulcans are great with philosophy....let's start there.
Excellent idea, Captain. There is something I meant to ask you.
Sure. Go ahead.
Given you are fiercely heterosexual would you truly engage in anal sex with another man for a million dollars?
Dammit, we were drinking!! Conversations with a bunch of drunk cadets at the Academy during finals week are NOT meant to be taken seriously . OK?!?

 

by Ranger77
5-16-06
I have another question, Captain. You know how the ship's Structural Integrity Field works....
Yes. It keeps something as big as our ship from collapsing on itself while it moves in space.
And you know how some Klingons have skull ridges and some don't?
I've believe that's the difference between genetically altered Klingons and Imperials.
Well considering all that knowledge we have, how come female away team members wear miniskirts and black leather boots?
Heh heh....ask me again in seven years. I think you might GET IT then....

 

by Ranger77
5-19-06
Captain have you ever noticed that whatever situation we get into, the ship is always in danger.
Explain.
It's just no matter if we are on a planet or even in a different time altogther, the ship is always in danger of being damaged or destroyed.
Wow. Never really looked at it that way. Fortunately it doesn't apply to our current situation. We're trapped in a cave. There's no effect on the ship.
Well actually....just for fun, before we beamed down here I set the warp core to explode in a couple of hours. I mean come on, who knew....?
Oddly enough, it's the "just for fun" part that disturbs me the most.

 

by Ranger77
5-19-06
B spends an hour cruising Yahoo News....
Scientists think they have found a drug similiar to Viagra, that will stimulate a woman's sex drive.
Wow, someone "discovered" foreplay.
The "runaway bride" and the fiance who took her back have broken up for good...Jennifer Wilbanks, 33, told reporters: "John and I have some things to work out.".
Like which talk show to appear on when they reconcile. What a couple of asswedges.
"Bush opposes English as national language...."
"....until he learns how to speak it himself." There. I'm glad I got all of that cyncism out of my system. Time to watch Oprah....

 

by Ranger77
5-19-06
Well I voided myself of all my cyncism and watched Oprah today.
And...
Her show today was about women who were having second thoughts about their upcoming weddings. Their fiancees didn't know and were pretty much told on the show. It was sad and tragic actually....
Interesting....in a trailer park sort of way. Why sad and tragic?
These asswedge foofs didn't realize that as a male, unless you are trying to sell a book, or have a movie coming out, you NEVER go on Oprah.
I think you need to start writing down these little life lessons you come up with....

 

by Ranger77
5-20-06
Sometimes B just can't let go....
You have to tell me...what possessed you to go on Oprah with no real explanation of what the show would be about?
Well, first of all I am NOT an asswedge. My fiancee wanted me to do this. She said it would be fun and that I would love it.
Dude....guys don't go on Oprah unless....
Yeah, I read what you said yesterday. But it's not true. I'll bet there was a guy on her show recently who wasn't a therapist, an author or an actor.
Actually, you're right, there was. Reportedly the jail time, the drugs, and the therapy has decreased his impulses to molest children.
Shit. I'm an asswedge.

 

by Ranger77
5-21-06
I'm trying to be more open minded, especially in the realm of politics and social issues.
Thanks for watching the Progressive Channel! We're not liberals any more....we're better!
"That's admirable. But isn't it hard to watch?"
Naah. I consider the opinion and whom it's coming from. If I don't think it's valid I'll still listen....
Tonight a geo-political discussion on the role of "superpowers" in the 21st century with our panel of experts Al Franken, Janeane Garofalo, and Mike Farrell. Janeane you're up first!
Fuck it. I'm out.
"I think, like, conservatives are, like really mean and, like, suck and should be killed with a gun that you, like, turn in after you shoot them to, like, keep it off the streets and stuff....."

 

by Ranger77
5-21-06
"Um, B? What happened to the TV?"
Rush.
"Limbaugh?"
He said that the President has made the American Way of Life better than its ever been, during his second term in office.
"And you didn't agree?"
Using that way of thinking I just decided that I would make the TV better than its ever been.....

 

by Ranger77
5-21-06
Right.
Don't believe the hype America! High gas prices are caused by Arab menace!!
Not the Saudis though. They're cool! Security is our primary concern, unless of course, it prevents foreign investment....
Left.
We must get away from our greed centric culture. Money isn't everything.
Senator, Michael Moore is on the line. He wants to know your opinion: Should he keep his Haliburton stock or invest in oil futures?
The people!
Libby is NOT dead. She can't be!! I'm so depressed.
You should be more upset that they screwed Chris on Idol! Congress should investigate....

 

by Ranger77
5-24-06
What kind of fucked up shit is this!? You could have crapped out a better picture. Sit your retarded ass back down.
I don't know what kind of fucking bullshit you cocksuckers think you can get away with, but you're in MY house now. So fuck you, fuck you and FUCK YOU....!! Do you read me!!!
SIR, YES SIR!!!
....and although the school board acknowledged that the "Li'l Marines" program was a novel idea, they agreed that it may not have been the best fit for Kindergarteners.

 

by Ranger77
5-24-06
Yahoo News (AP) - 5/24/06
Boo Boo, the resuscitated exotic chicken is dead.
The exotic chicken that was saved from drowning by mouth-to-beak resuscitation more than three months ago has died, her owner said.
Strange....I find myself quite speechless.
Next up, Testicles or Tentacles: Which would people rather have slapping against their faces? The answer may surprise you....

 

by Ranger77
6-03-06
The Secret (and Efficient) Life of Cats! Start: (00:00 sec)
Meow?
MEE-OW!
(00:15 sec)
*OOF* *OOF* *OOF*
meooooow....purrrrr
(00:47 sec)
Meow?
Go away.

 

by Ranger77
6-03-06
The Secret Life of Dogs....
Bad dog! That wasn't very nice. Not nice at all.
I'm mean really. It's crazy how dogs get off doing that to someone's leg!
Don't flatter yourself, sister! You ever think of shaving those tree trunks you're walkin' around on?

 

by Ranger77
6-03-06
The Secret Life of Alien Fishmongers!
Are you selling that fish?
Fiiiish.
I don't eat any meat unless it's free range. Evidently I'm against the consuming of dead animal flesh unless it has roamed around a bit. Is that a free range fish?
Fiiish?
I think I'll pass.
*sigh* Fiiiish. No roaming. Just fish.

 

by Ranger77
6-06-06
Dude, why are there 30 people digging up your backyard.
Nice, huh? My Dad wanted to re-sod the backyard but was too cheap to pay to have it done. He was also too lazy to do it himself.
He didn't....
Yep.
Thanks for calling us. You have our word that once we find James Hoffa, you will be regarded as a hero.
Can we skip the "hero" bit and just throw in a new deck when you redo the yard?

 

by Ranger77
6-07-06
Sir, aren't you afraid that you'll get arrested when the FBI finds out that Jimmy Hoffa isn't buried in your backyard?
Naah. Doesn't matter.
Seems like a lot of drama to go through to get your backyard landscaped for free. Don't you feel a bit guilty.
My friend if the FBI didn't want to be here, they wouldn't be here. Simple as that. No guilt here.
Just doesn't seem right. Especially when you consider that it's tax dollars that's funding this.
I admit it may be like cheating the retarded kid at school out of his milk money, but hey, I'm getting a stump removed and a privacy fence outta the deal....

 

by Ranger77
6-08-06
You wanted to speak to me young man?
I just wanted to ask how much this effort to find a mobster whose been missing for over 30 years was costing taxpayers.
That information is classified. Sorry. This is a sensitive operation and the details of what we're doing is classified as well.
Um, you guys issued an press release and held a press conference.
Sorry kid, Your questions will have to wait. I've got a satellite interview with Larry King in 10 minutes.
You've got this Little Oprhan Annie vibe goin' on. You do realize this don't you?

 

by Ranger77
6-08-06
We usually don't interrupt our story arcs like this but the FBI contacted us. They took offense to being compared to a "retarded kid cheated out of his milk money."
In response we have re-edited that particular panel and the objectionable term....
Just doesn't seem right. Especially when you consider that it's tax dollars that's funding this.
I admit it may be like cheating the RETARDED kid at school out of his budgetary dollars that have to be spent before the fiscal year ends but....
Who knew that they would have a fit over the term "milk money?"
It's terrible to be THAT sensitive....

 

by Ranger77
6-08-06
Now back to our story!
Sir we have NOT found the body of James Hoffa. If you have filed a false report to the FBI for personal gain we will have to arrest you.
I understand, but you have to realize that if you do, you'll look like idiots. Again.
Especially when you consider a guy like me with a small brain and even smaller penis tricked you into digging up his yard so you could redo it at taxpayer expense.
On second thought we have no regrets. All leads must be verified. The FBI is in the business to protect freedom, and the price of freedom is eternal vigilance.
Actually according to my landscaper the price of freedom today is $11, 543.12

 

by Ranger77
6-11-06
Well that story is done. Sorry we gave you FBI guys a hard time. I'll bet you're always getting made fun of.
Yes. Unfortunately. We always get the X-Files crowd or those who believe in some fairy tale conspiracy.
I can only imagine.
The FBI doesn't deal in fantasy. We protect, serve and uphold justice. You can't get more REAL than that.
Good. By the way, I hear Jimmy Hoffa is buried under a Wal-Mart in Roseville, Michigan.
What's the address?? I can have an excavation crew, a forensic archeologist and a Starbuck's Mobile Tactical Coffee Station there in two hours....

 

by Ranger77
6-11-06
Every year....around this time it happens. You can almost feel it coming. A force not to be reckoned with....not to be denied.
When it happens you cannot run. You cannot hide. The reason: you cannot escape time. It will come. You will feel its wrath. There is no escaping....
....the early summer high school graduation parties!
Come on. You have to go. It's my cousin's sister's nephew. They gave us $20 bucks for our wedding!
No escape. There is truly no escape.

 

by Ranger77
6-11-06
Look I know you don't like these things but we go through this EVERY year. You HAVE to go.
Honey. You don't even know this kid. And these relatives are distant. You don't even associate with them regularly.
Yes, but my Aunt Dottie will be there. We're going for her.
So why don't we just visit Aunt Dottie and skip this graduation party.
Ok....you're not getting this. I'll go slow, okay? You go to these things to visit with the family and to be seen....
Wait. Hold that thought. I'm, sensing I'm going to have to disable that pesky logical thinking thingy for this....

 

by Ranger77
6-11-06
....so that's why we HAVE to go. Look I don't want to go either, but we have to.
Ok, that's my point: "If we don't want to go why do we HAVE to go to a graduation party for a kid we hardly know??"
We only have to visit and stay a couple of hours. We're giving $50 so just make sure you eat alot. Don't pass up on the cake either. It's from Costco.
You know if you just would stop thinking about how this works, you wouldn't get a headache.
Too late. But thanks anyway.

 

by Ranger77
6-12-06
I don't know why you get so uptight over these parties. When you married into this family you knew we did these things. Besides it's only a high school graduation party.
*sigh* Okay, okay.
Good. No more discussion. In our family just because you don't see someone everyday doesn't mean they're not close and thought of.
Yes. I suppose you're right. What's the kid's name anyway.
Don't worry I'll wait.

 

by Ranger77
6-12-06
So you're stuck going to this graduation party for some kid you don't even know? Man, that sucks.
Tell me about it.
You know....you could just get blasted the day before, have this hellish hangover the next day and say you're too sick to go.
Did it. June 21st, 2003. She made me go anyway. She always hides any alcohol in the house a week before a grad party weekend.
Wow she's good.
No spicy, greasy food to eliminate any possible stomach problems and she makes me take Vitamin C the week before. I'm incredibly freakishly healthly before these stupid things....

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
As the "inner voice of reason inside your head" even I have to admit that going to this graduation party is kinda silly.
Yeah I know. But marriage is about compromise and, who knows....if I do this, maybe she'll let me buy a motorcycle or a stand up arcade console.
HAHAHAHHAHA! That's pretty funny!
I find keeping one's sense of humor is important in situations like this.

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
The graduation party!
Now I don't have to tell you to behave or anything do I?
No dear.
Good. We only have to stay for a couple of hours. We eat, talk to a few relatives, wish Todd the best of luck, give him his graduation card and go home.
Todd? You remembered the kid's name?
Yes, SMART GUY. Todd. Or maybe Kyle. Whatever....
I think I see your cousin Tina over there. That cupcake and Mountain Dew diet she's on is doing wonders for her figure....

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
We'll it was nice talking to you Biel. So good to see you.
Nice to see you too, Aunt Josephine. I'm going to get something to drink. Did you want anything?
Nope. I'm fine. I'm just going to stay right here and enjoy this beautiful day.
Ok. Works for me.
It never occurred to you to help my drunk Aunt Josephine up off the ground and out of that pool of vomit she was lying in?
I DID, but then she started telling me this fascinating story about a parakeet she owned back in 1963....

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
Congratulations on finishing High School, er...Todd.
Thanks.
That's quite an accomplishment. I hear you might be considering a career in music.
The winds of oblivion carry me with bloodied wings across the deep abyss that is my soul and my destiny.
Well...yes. Nice talking to you too.
Try the cake. It's from Costco.

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
That's some son, you have there.
Todd has always been a bright boy, so full of light....such a good kid. And popular too!
Really?
Yes, but I guess anytime you get a varsity letter in swimming, football AND basketball it's only to be expected.
I see. You're pretty much totally trashed and delusional aren't you?
Yep, and I'm staying this way until the piece of shit finds a FUCKING job. So how are things with you?

 

by Ranger77
6-17-06
How are things since the divorce?
Fine. Never better. The whole thing was stifling you know. And then there was the sex thing.
Uh....yeah....Linda we really don't have to talk about that now if you....
I don't mind talking about it. All we had is sex. No relationship. No emotion. Just sex. You can't have a relationship just based on sex. Good riddance, I say. I need something more.
Ah....Well did you want to come over tonight and have dinner with Biel and I?
Thanks but no thanks sweetie. It's Saturday. Tonight I'm off to the bar. If I don't get laid soon I'm going to explode....

 

by Ranger77
6-18-06
Well, you look pretty chipper for someone who expected to have a miserable time.
Actually did you know Todd's favorite movie is Saw, his favorite flavor of ice cream is vanilla and he has a birthmark underneath his left nipple.
Ok, you're scaring me.
It was is in the four page tutorial they handed out while you were in the bathroom....
Four page tu....?
Evidently most people here don't know this kid either. If you want a copy they're over by that bowl of black and white M&Ms that have the words "death" and "chaos" stamped on them....

 

by Ranger77
6-21-06
You're an idiot. Go away.
Eat me, bitch.
Heh.
Ah. Yes. You know, that probably wasn't the smartest thing to....
Wow. We put alot of thought into that last bit.
You know if we had used the F-word, you could say we went for the easy AND cheap laugh....

 

by Ranger77
6-23-06
You didn't really eat that bacon guy did you.
He was a dick.
You know when you do things like that you disgrace us all.
The guy was a dick. What did you expect me to do?
So you're telling me that you ate a dick.
Nice. And the cheap laughs "keep -a-comin'...."

 

by Ranger77
6-23-06
"Cheap Laughs Week" continues!
I thought it was a good idea.
It was a stupid idea.
It earned us a bunch of money until they shut down our merchant account.
It was false advertising.
Every bit of pussylicking.com was legit.
Humor me here. No sane male, or female for that matter, would pay 19.95 a month to see pictures and mpegs of us grooming ourselves....

 

by Ranger77
6-24-06
Yes, more cheap laughs....
And why does he play with his balls like that, you ask? Because he can my friend. Because he can.

 

by Ranger77
6-25-06
The end of the cheap jokes? Nope not yet!
Yeah, baby....I want some of THAT. I know what I want and I want it now!
Stop teasing me. Just set it out so I can get busy! Wet and RAW, that's my way....oh yeah....
Work it....yeah...that's right....uh-huh....WORK IT!
Listen fella, you're creepin' me out here. We sell cookies, not cookie dough. Can ya WAIT ten minutes?! Sheesh!

 

by Ranger77
6-25-06
So after a couple weeks you're just going to dump me like that! Give me a reason? See, you don't have one.
But....
You're pathetic. I should have known. I heard those stories but no I had to date a FUCKING monk! And now I get dumped after you've had your little fun. I am SO outta here!
But....
She seemed a little pissed. Why did you dump her?
Butt. She had none. I prefer a bit of junk in the trunk, my brother. You know that....

 

by Ranger77
7-03-06
Yet another Mother-Daughter moment....
Honey, I'm getting kinda concerned. You haven't been dating that much.
I'm pretty cynical about dating and relationships right now, Mom.
Dearie, relationships are one thing, getting a good stiffy regularly is another. Not getting any is a problem. It's NOT healthy.
I wouldn't say that. You just can't go around sleeping with ANYBODY. I mean come on, I didn't even do that when I did porn. It's stupid.
My God. You're doing that thing again. That thing that begins with a "T."
"Thinking?" Yeah. Busted.

 

by Ranger77
7-03-06
Did you think there might have been a reason I didn't call you back?
Listen babe, I thought we were connecting. You know....getting to know each other. I would like to know even MORE about you.
We had one date. We saw a movie and you said it sucked.....
Well it did.....
....and that implies that when something "sucks" it is not a desirable activity.
All of a sudden, I don't like the way this this conversation is going....

 

by Ranger77
7-04-06
So if, and I mean IF, we did become intimate in our relationship did you expect me to give you a blowjob?
Well, yeah I....
So if something, to use your verbage, 'sucks', and it's bad how do you reconcile me sucking ON you?
Well, I was sort of counting on our mutual attraction of each other and a willingness to express that attraction sexually.
Nope. Try again.
Ok, ok! Just give a minute to think! I can't handle this pressure!

 

by Ranger77
7-06-06
I can't believe that idiot called you. What a jerk.
He's a nice boy, Helena. All he wanted was to get to know you better and you treated him like crap. What's all this about using his words against him?
I simply pointed out that he used alot of sexual slang. To tell you the truth I was just giving him a hard time to make him go away.
Well it's for the best I suppose. Of course I had to comfort him after that verbal beatdown you gave him.
800!
Comfort him?? Mom, you didn't....
Let's just say "I suck" and he's one good "motherfucker."

Showing page 16.

« Previous Next »