All comics by evil_d

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by evil_d
6-19-15
You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go!
I didn't do any of those things.
Well, somebody's raped our women, is taking over the country, and has to go.
But you don't really care who?
I guess not.
Then let's get Simon Cowell for it. I just hate that guy's face.

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go!
Shit man, I didn't know. You should have told me which women were yours. Wrote your name on them or something.
Well... I mean... I'm talking about white women. White women are mine.
You one hell of a player, son.

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go!
That's a good speech. Who is it? Sitting Bull?
What?
Chief Sitting Bull. Did he say that to your ancestors at the Battle of the Little Bighorn?
I—no! Look, this is white people's country now!
And it'd be wrong if someone tried to take it over, right?

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
You've raped our women, you... well, I guess you haven't done that.
Now don't jump to conclusions, young man! It so happens that I am a lesbian!
Oh. Are you taking over the country?
Do I look like Oprah? I'm a second shift manager at Applebee's.
I'm just going to move on.

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go!
Wait! I have an excuse! I thought I was too famous to be punished!
Save it for the judge, Cosby.

 

by evil_d
6-19-15
I'd like to buy a gun.
What are you going to use it for?
What? It's none of your business! This is a free country!
I don't make the law. I got a form to fill out. You don't answer the questions, you don't get a gun.
Fine. It's for a mass shooting.
I've got boxes for school, office, church, and mall.

 

by evil_d
6-20-15
I want to buy a gun, please.
What will you be using it for?
I just want to hold it so it'll make me feel safe.
In that case, you can save some money with our "Big Man" special.
What's that?
That's where we don't bother to sell you any ammo.

 

by evil_d
6-20-15
I need a gun.
What will you be using it for?
Shootin' possums and skunks for dinner.
Okay, you're cleared.
Ain't there some kind of waiting period?
No, the law says making you admit to that is enough.

 

Wait a minute... that last guy's license said he was from New York City.
by evil_d, 6-20-15

 

by evil_d
6-21-15
Seems like everyone in town is coming in to buy a gun.
That's why I came in, actually. Now that I have a gun, I'll be able to defend myself against any other nut who has one.
Fucker was holding up the line with all that chatting. Six boxes of double-0 buck and make it snappy!

 

by evil_d
6-21-15
It's great to see a young person such as yourself wearing the Confederate flag with pride. Nowadays too many people don't remember what it really stands for.
I know. That's why I added the flags of Rhodesia and South Africa to make it unambiguous.
Snazzy. But I don't recognize those other flags next to them.
I made up some countries of my own to really drive the point home.
Those are the flags of Ghettonesia and Ihateblacksistan.

 

by evil_d
6-21-15
You know, I almost didn't go through with shooting all those people at the church because they were so nice to me.
Why did you, then?
I realized that I couldn't let that experience contradict what I'd learned through prayer and personal reflection.
Are we still talking about the shooting? Because this sounds an awful lot like my sermon on evolution.

 

by evil_d
6-21-15
Zombie Charlton Heston! What are you and your cold dead hands doing here?
The NRA's necromancers summoned me to make sure nobody's Second Amendment rights are infringed as a result of the church shooting.
Sounds great! Are you going to give us guns so we can defend ourselves if something like this happens again?
What? I didn't rise from the grave to arm black people! You might as well take me back if that's what's going on!

 

by evil_d
6-22-15
Letter for you, Ms. Winfrey. It says "You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go. Yours truly, Dylann Roof."
I've never heard of any Dylann Roof.
I looked him up. Apparently he's some 21-year-old white guy from South Carolina.
What? An adult white male? Pack my bags immediately!
I hear Uruguay is nice. I hope they don't mind me raping their women and taking over the country.

 

by evil_d
6-23-15
You know you were just asking for trouble with this "Methodist Episcopal" thing, right? Mixing denominations always goes wrong!
It's not really—
Just look at Ireland or Jerusalem. Everybody knows you don't cross the streams! I believe I sent you a message to that effect.
Wait, are you saying Ghostbusters was divinely inspired?
Well, not the video games.

 

by evil_d
6-23-15
I don't understand why everyone doesn't support segregation. Why wouldn't you want to live among your own people?
En noshörning har ätit min handväska.
Huh?
You mean to tell me you're white but you don't even speak Swedish? I'm so disillusioned.
Just because some white people speak Swedish doesn't mean all... hang on a minute.
What else don't you do? Play tennis? Listen to Enya? Get skin cancer?

 

by evil_d
6-23-15
I mean, I could have done anything with my life. I could have been a chef! But if massacring those churchgoers was enough to start a race war, then it was worth it.
Yeah, there's no race war.
So many chickens unspatchcocked.

 

by evil_d
6-24-15
Letter for you, Mr. Obama. It says, "You've raped our women, you're taking over the country, and you have to go. Lots of love, Dylann Roof."
Well, I did take over the country for eight years, and I will have to go at the end of this term. But I never raped any white women!
There's still time, you know.
I'm the President of the United States! I have to uphold the dignity of the office!
I'm just saying, if you're going to be accused of the crime anyway, you might as well have done it.
Well... I suppose if we could "extrajudicially detain" that one chick in the press corps....

 

by evil_d
6-24-15
I for one am proud of Dylann Roof! It's about time somebody listened to my advice.
So you helped him plan the shooting?
Well, not directly... but I'm sure he was familiar with my work. I've spent a lot of time on starting the race war....
Meaning you rant a lot on the internet.
What can I say; I'm an idea man.

 

by evil_d
6-24-15
Police are still trying to determine whether Dylann Roof may have had an accomplice who helped him plan the attack.
In the pictures on his web site, Roof is always the sole subject, but he's never holding the camera. Did he use a tripod? Or was there a cameraman?
Don't worry, they'll never make me talk.

 

by evil_d
7-10-15
Hugs not drugs!
...are the leading cause of affection-related injuries worldwide. 70 million ribs are crushed every year.
So remember, kids, if you want to feel good, use drugs. It's just safer.

 

by evil_d
7-16-15
Dear Diary, today I stood in front of the mirror and practiced asking that girl at the coffee shop for a date.
The mirror rejected me every time.

 

by evil_d
7-22-15
♪ Summer time, and I'm with me hearties / We sailed the Purple Ostrich out of New Orleans / All the lubbers in the Gulf will agree that we're ♫
♪ Well qualified to pillage, plunder, rape, and steal / See, we be privateers / We drink rum on the islands, and dance with the wenches, hit the water ♫
♪ Me and my mates, we're comin' aboard yer ship / Got scurvy so bad, but we're takin' yer shit ♫
♪ Can't keep us in the penitentiary / We raise cannon at the walls and when the dust clears, we be back at sea / (refrain) ♫
♪ Some gold doubloons be a mighty prize / The Jolly Roger terrifies! ♫
♪ Oh what're we gonna do wi' a drunken mate, but send 'im up ta the nest / Until he spies a treasure chest ♫

 

by evil_d
7-22-15
♪ Ocean crime, yeah the pickin's easy / We sailed the Purple Ostrich up to N.Y.C. / All the lubbers on the coast will agree that we're ♫
♪ Well qualified to pillage, plunder, rape, and steal / See, we be buccaneers / Rum in the kegs, and the bones of our dead lie underwater ♫
♪ Weebles, I opened up the chest and there's Weebles / Most definitely. ♫
♪ Weebles, a hundred ten thousand damn Weebles / Just count 'em and see. ♫
♪ This treasure... is getting odder... / Gonna kidnap the... governor's daughter... ♫
♪ Me and my mates / We're comin' aboard yer ship (x4) / (refrain) ♫

 

by evil_d
7-25-15
I'm concerned about your oral health. You should really consider dentures.
Don't give me none a' that.
If you was supposed to have more than two of 'em, they'd call it a threeth.

 

by evil_d
8-04-15
In the beginning, God created the Earth and placed man on it.
God eventually realized that he had not done something right.
So God created light.
I'm pretty sure this is "in my image", but just in case, maybe I should create mirrors.

 

by evil_d
8-11-15
Five of these are genuine Donald Trump quotes, but one is a fabrication. Guess which one!
I fired them. Of course I had to fire them. They were getting pregnant on my dime!
Part of the beauty of me is that I am very rich.
Black guys counting my money! I hate it. The only kind of people I want counting my money are little short guys that wear yarmulkes every day.
I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways.
The point is that you can't be too greedy.
Somebody's doing the raping, Don, I mean, you know– I mean, somebody's doing it. You think it's women being raped, well who's doing the raping? Who's doing the raping?

 

by evil_d
8-19-15
Man, I haven't had sex in twenty-three years.
Uh... how old are you?
Twenty-three.
So you're a virgin. Just say you're a virgin.
I'm trying to open up to you about my childhood sexual abuse, dude.

 

by evil_d
8-20-15
Morning, Bill. Heard you had a pretty wild weekend!
Got drunk, went to TJ, got a list of my favorite coworkers' names tattooed on my arm.
I don't see anything on your arm.
Damn right you don't. Peace out, sucka!

 

by evil_d
8-26-15
I'm gonna kill you so hard the folks back in Philadelphia will scream!
I'm gonna kill you so hard there won't be anything left for the vultures!
I'm gonna kill you so hard your grandma will feel it!
I'm gonna kill you so hard your great-great-grandchildren will still be bitter about it!
It's about heritage, not hate!

 

by evil_d
9-11-15
Hello, I'd like to place a "Missed Connections" ad in your paper.
Me: white male, 38, 6'2", short brown hair. Have lost a lot of weight. Former endorser for Subway restaurants.
You:
I'm going to stop you right there.

 

by evil_d
9-11-15
Did you know that in some countries it's traditional to eat lamb on Easter?
Is that terrible or what? The bible is full of symbolism comparing Jesus to a lamb. "The paschal lamb," they call him. So Jesus dies and then it's like you're eating him!
...although Catholics were already big on that. So objection withdrawn, I guess.

 

by evil_d
9-15-15
The Silmarillion is this giant creation myth about how Ilúvatar (that's God) created the Ainur and the world and the Elves and the Men and so on.
But some of the characters from this story—like Galadriel—are still alive and well at the time when The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings take place.
It's like... imagine if the biblical Abraham were alive today, and had an apartment in downtown Baghdad, and you could go and visit him if you wanted.
Oh Jeez, Mr. Abraham. I'm so sorry about spilling that glass of wine on your carpet.
You bastard! I'd kill my own son for less than that!

 

by evil_d
9-25-15
People say we wealthy Republicans don't care about health care for the poor. But that's not true! When poor people call out sick, my casinos don't get cleaned and my garden doesn't get landscaped!
Nobody wants that! That's why, as President, I'll ask doctors to implement my "MedFill" program. When one patient can't work, they'll call their other patients and find someone to cover their shift!
But Mr. Trump, that doesn't help individual poor people at all! That just treats them as chattel who are interchangeable with other poor people!
I'm not following you.

 

by evil_d
9-30-15
Your condition is easily treatable with a drug that costs 50 cents in Canada.
Unfortunately it costs $3,000 here, and since you have bargain-basement insurance, the best I can give you is a lollipop and an injection of Placebenol.
I understand. It's what I deserve for not working harder in the coal mines.
Excellent. Nurse HCRoyall will be in momentarily to administer your shot.
I changed my mind. Which way to the border?

 

by evil_d
10-01-15
Hey doc, I'm here for my monthly dose of Placebenol. But I've got to say, I really hate needles. Isn't there any other way I could take it?
You're in luck! It's now available in pill form. I'll write you a prescription.
That'll be ten thousand dollars.
Even when I'm taking it orally, I'm still taking it rectally.

 

by evil_d
10-09-15
Chef, your all-spun-sugar replica of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is most impressive! But before our judges can review it, you must carry it through... THE GAUNTLET!
If those judges don't have a damn good reason why they can't walk the 20 feet to see it here, I'm going to give them one.
I'd like to take a moment now to thank the farmers who cultivated these 1200 pounds of sugar that nobody will ever eat.

 

by evil_d
11-24-15
To amuse myself, anytime I hear anybody talk about "rock" or "the rock", I mentally replace it with "Dwayne Johnson".
The International Olympic Committee announced today that it would consider Dwayne Johnson climbing for inclusion in the 2020 Olympics.
♫ Just let me hear some of that Dwayne Johnson 'n' roll music / Any old way you choose it / It's got a backbeat, you can't lose it.... ♪

 

OMG, I had the weirdest vision in the garden today! I saw Saints Michael, Catherine, and Margaret, and they told me to—
tits or gtfo
by evil_d, 12-03-15

 

by evil_d
12-07-15
They say that "three can keep a secret if two of them are dead". So I came here to tell you this, because I have to tell somebody.
I'm the one who derailed that train full of nuns and made it crash into the orphanage.
Please confess louder, and directly into the epitaph....

 

by evil_d
12-30-15
SO YOU THINK YOU SUCK, ATOMICLUNCH?? I, WIRTHLING, HAVE RISEN FROM MY SLUMBER TO SHOW YOU WHAT IT TRULY MEANS TO SUCK!!
Wait!! Before you judge me, read all of my comics!
CHALLENGE WITHDRAWN

 

by evil_d
1-04-16
Wow, this is the most offensive tirade I've ever seen. I should downvote it. And report it to the moderators. And maybe the FBI.
Oh, wait. It's by a guy called Only_Posts_ Racist_Things.
Carry on, good sir.

 

by evil_d
2-22-16
How soon will my prescription be ready?
Come back in about 200 years.
This sculpture is an artist's conception of Tyrannosaurus Rex, a fearsome predator that roamed the earth nearly 200 years ago!
...and my address is 123 Main Street.
Okay, I've entered your order. Please allow 200 years to 200 years for delivery.

 

by evil_d
2-23-16
It looks like you're writing a business letter!
WHAT FUCKING LETTER??
Parkas would be in the outerwear department.
WHAT FUCKING OUTERWEAR DEPARTMENT??
Large espresso for Randolph?
WHAT FUCKING RAND... oh, that's me.

 

by evil_d
2-23-16
Randolph, I need you to finish compiling the annual sales figures by close of business on Thursday.
WHAT FUCKING SALES FIGURES??
WHAT FUCKING BUSINESS??
WHAT FUCKING THURSDAY??

 

by evil_d
2-23-16
WHAT FUCKING ENLIGHTENMENT??
WHAT FUCKING VERTEBRAE??
WHAT FUCKING LEADER??

 

by evil_d
2-24-16
WHAT FUCKING CLIMATE CHANGE??
WHAT FUCKING MARS COLONIZATION MISSION??
WHAT FUCKING GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND??

 

by evil_d
3-12-16
This the line for the donkey sodomy?
Yep.

 

by evil_d
3-15-16
Johnson, it's really not acceptable for you to wear overalls in the office.
I do good work, so what do you care what I'm wearing?
It's about the image you project. Remember, "don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want."
The next day:

 

by evil_d
7-08-16
How did we not notice that Manhattan was built on top of a giant volcano?
Hey, if you can't stand the heat, get out of Hell's Kitchen!
Damn right! Vinny's on 37th, best lava flows in the city!
Oh no they ain't! Sal's on 51st is five times deadlier!

Showing page 16.

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