All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-05
Next Day...
Hi, Betty Racecar, RecruitCo here. There's been some terrible screw-up regarding that company I was trying to put you forward to!
What?
They've already seen your CV! They know your grades and everything! Are you sure you didn't tell anyone else? Some unscrupulous bastards have got in before me!
OK, well according to this e-mail, the last guy who put me to that firm was...Bob Racecar. I'm guessing you know him.
Vwoop! Vwoop! Vwoop!
That, readers, if you're interested, is the sound effect for "Impending divorce proceedings"

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-05
Volunteering to switch departments right before the job cuts was really bad timing.
I know. I practically made the CTO's decision for him.
In retrospect, do you think anyone could have made a worse decision than you?
Hrm...
Ye 17th Century, New England
So it's agreed then, this "Thanksgiving" feast thing can only be good for us all!
My vote makes it unanimous! I shall inform Mr Bernard Matthews at once!

 

by jes_lawson
7-29-05
I trust the blue steak met with Sir's approval, and the Sangria wasn't too salty?
It was all delightful, but I think I'd like some dessert.
And what will Sir be having?
Sundae! Bloody Sundae!

 

by jes_lawson
8-22-05
Go into the next room and turn your PC on.
Sure.
OK, I'm booting it up now...should there be smoke? Smoke's good, right?
I shouldn't have insulted that mystical looking gypsy, should I?

 

by jes_lawson
8-23-05
Success! I've travelled far enough back in time!
Listen to me...this is very important...
Your entire future career depends on the results of your Year 3 maths test!

 

by jes_lawson
8-23-05
In the 21st century, Man is no longer judged on his achievements...
...but on what his masters perceive are his achievements.
Gah buh goo Sex Pistols absinth Camberwick Green!
Looks like Mum's opinion of how smart I was as a baby were a bit overrated. Crud.

 

by jes_lawson
9-02-05
The "Straightforward" Test.
"In 45 words or less, write a program to end Third World debt, while solving Fermat's Last Theorem in binary. You may not use the letter 'e' "
The "Challenging" Test.
"Tick the box next to the integer that corresponds to the number 7"

Okay. Two choices, 7 or a picture of the Crazy Frog.
My idea of a test.
I've written a Su Doku solver that can also mix the most rocking martini you've ever had!
Here's a bottle of absinth and the key to my hotel room. Leave some for me and you get to lick it off.

 

by jes_lawson
9-10-05
Heathrow Airport, London. 3 hours before take-off
Oh sweet Jesus, they sell absinth in the Duty Free!
Sir, this stuff is illegal in the US. furthermore, federal law requires I now give you the glove treatment.
Does it count if I import it in my stomach?
Better not.

 

by jes_lawson
9-12-05
Mid-Atlantic
OK, stay calm, assess the situation.
Your flight has been delayed. You're going to miss your connection, so chances are no-one's going to pick you up and you'll be stuck.
Stay calm, no need for freak-outs. As long as I have my credit card and can phone Chicka, I'm fine.
Sir, it wasn't a difficult question I asked - chicken or fish?

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-05
Chicago
OK, stay calm. You've just found out that a blind amputee would have more luck dialling the USA than you.
You've lost Chicka's address, and your bags. Think. What would Lofty Wiseman do?
The first thing to do when skinning your rabbit is to make an incision behind the head. Then, pull and turn the skin inside out, to prepare for gutting and cooking.
Lofty Wiseman of the SAS. Can survive 6 weeks in the Columbian jungle. Can't make good suggestions for surviving loss of luggage. Fuck my luck.

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-05
St. Louis, MO.
Thank fuck I made it to St. Louis. Where the cunt my bags are I don't know or don't care right now.
Then, on the Tannoy...
Yo yo YO! 1987! Nineteen eighty-SEVEN Y'all! Available, Yo! Flight 1987 from Chicago repreZENT! Yo baggae be available for collection! Word!
Holy shit! Nelly's moonlighting as a baggage handler! This country rocks!

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-05
Lofty, I'm channelling you because I don't know what to do. I have no luggage or contact details, and limited money.
You did well to get to St. Louis. If all else fails you can stay in the airport and survive here for 72 hours.
What the fuck are you talking about? Live in the airport until my flight back?
Yes. You have free water, you can sleep in the toilets, and you can catch rabbits from outside to gut, skin and eat.
Fuck this. I'm getting a hotel room until I stop hallucinating and can contact Stripcreator for advice.
Come back! Tom Hanks did it for years!

 

by jes_lawson
9-13-05
Holiday Inn, Lambert, MO.
Dear "Chicka's Wedding thread", due to bastardry I'm in the Holiday Inn near the airport. Please advise.
Hi, you don't know us but we're coming to kidnap you!
Within about half an hour, give or take ten minutes...
Alright mate?
We were at the airport for an hour, where were you?
long story, explain on the way. Commence teh rocking!

 

by jes_lawson
9-15-05
Friday night, we had a few beers, watched the Gilmore Girls, and partook of our favourite pastime.
Reading the forums...
...and chatting on IRC.

 

by jes_lawson
9-17-05
Morning. Sleep OK?
Not really. Have we got time to pick up some clothes from somewhere? I'd rather not turn up at your wedding in denim.
Sure, but we should get breakfast first, OK?
What are we having?
Jack In the Box!
*munch* Wow! This is easily my new favourite food in the world!

 

by jes_lawson
9-17-05
Driving with Chicka is fun, really.
Get out of the damn fast lane! I'm late enough already! Idiot!
Nate! Don't call me when I'm driving! GAH!
If a cop pulls me over, I'm about ready to bite his head off. MOVE IT JERKS, I'VE GOT A WEDDING TO GO TO!

 

by jes_lawson
9-19-05
Avast Behind!
What's the 18th letter of the Alphabet?
ARRRR!
What's gold and sounds like a pirate?
Pyrite!

 

by jes_lawson
9-21-05
Wow! Small town Missouri. Man, it's warm here. Hi, I'm Jes
And you're over from Ireland for the wedding? That's incredible! My husband is half-German, one quarter Irish!
Time passes. Off panel, Kajun is tuning out.
...and next time you come out we'll have to take you caving, and then to see the...
I thought Missouri was the "Show Me" state, not the "Show Jes bloody everything" state...
...and make sure Gina takes you to the park, and the arch, and...

 

by jes_lawson
9-23-05
Ooh, eating that curry was scary. End of my ringpiece is hairy. Shouldn't have asked for more chilli. Not very sensible.
My belly. Clogged up with red meat and Stella, Me dump's getting bloody and smelly. Crapping's becoming quite hell-y. It's not very sensible.
I predict a diet! I predict A DIET!

 

by jes_lawson
9-25-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Thank God!
NNNg! How long has it been? This is driving me crazy!
It's been 20 seconds. I'm a complete fool...
Gnn! Is it 40 days yet? It must be! I'm getting my jerkin out, I'm busting!
...to think turning a spider monkey into a man, on a lifeboat, would provide some stimulating company.

 

by jes_lawson
9-25-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Fine.
Fine.
I don't think they're falling for it.
Shut up.

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-05
Yesterday, while I was at a job interview in the City, the building was "invacuated".
What's all that about?
Haha, that's funny! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go invacuate my bowels.
Yeugh, TMI.
I told you you couldn't keep compressing it into a smaller and smaller space indefinitley! Now, bend over...
*GROAN*

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-05
This just in, the IRA has finally destroyed all of its stockpile of Cemtex and Armalites.
We cross now live to Gerald Futtock in West Belfast.
LIVE
Well, we never used them ones anyway, our preferred weapon of choice today is the broken brieze block and baseball bat.
LIVE
Additionally we've seen local gangs of youths throwing petrol bombs as well as stones at the police.
WHAT? Those wee dickheads! Do they not know how much that stuff COSTS?

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-05
Greetings! In these strips I'm going to make the case as to why I, jes_lawson, should be the host of CC 300.
In the course of them I will stop at nothing to prove that I'm the only Stripper who can be trusted with the task! Nothing!
Okay, bad choice of words, bad place to walk past, but you get my drift.

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-05
Why me, you ask? Well for a start, I've been called the nicest man on Stripcreator.
If nice guys finish last...
...meet the guy who didn't even leave the start line.

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-05
Besides, look at some of the other jerks who are contenders for this! This guy's not even wearing any pants!
And neither's this guy! How can they run a Comic Contest if they can't even dress properly?
Does no-one around here wear long trousers?
I'm wearing long underwear, does that count?

 

by jes_lawson
10-03-05
Anyway, let's get this campaign into full swing. I wrote a song and everything!
To the tune of "Take me out to the Ball Game"
|o Please let Jes win the contest. Pick my entry to win! o|
|o He'll buy you peanuts and crackerjack, drink too much absinth and fall on his back! o|
|o Let me root for the flickguy like a champion would do! If I don't win, it's a shame! o|
|o To avoid being cornholed please pick Jes to win the CC 299 game! o|

 

I'm glad I picked you - you're so ap-peel-ing.
by jes_lawson, 10-04-05

 

So it's goodnight from him...
...and it's goodnight from me!
by jes_lawson, 10-06-05

 

by jes_lawson
10-09-05
Hi, my name's Pac-Man, and I'm here to talk to you about drug addiction.
In the 1980's I was a successful entertainer, until my pill addiction took over my life. Pretty soon, I was just just a big blob of a pill-popping machine.
I got so desperate for pills, I started wandering round Haunted Mazes for 10p a time. I couldn't control myself.

 

Rory, it's not that I don't want you using your full name, I named you after me of course...
...but I shouldn't use it when ordering from adult web-sites and use the hotel as the delivery address. Gotcha Mom.
by jes_lawson, 10-09-05

 

Michel, this is great! There's almost no chaos in the kitchen! Something's up, isn't it? What's happened to Sookie?
Nothing, Miss Lorelai. We 'ave just switched 'er to decaf and given 'er a Valium. Zis week is ze first we have had in a year without a fire!
by jes_lawson, 10-10-05

 

Focus!
I am a camera.
by jes_lawson, 10-10-05

 

Why aren't you dancing?
I'm dancing on the inside.
by jes_lawson, 10-10-05

 

by jes_lawson
10-13-05
Hello?
Excushe me but I'm looking for sex.
AAAAIIEEEE!
It's got to be around here shomewhere shurely!
Hrmph! Sean Connery doeshn't need to be treated like this! I'll just look for sex between number Five and Sheven!

 

by jes_lawson
10-13-05
Chris Moyles, eh?
When he joined Radio 1, I thought about strapping explosives to myself and taking us both out.
I thought "I'm an old man, It'll make little difference"
God Bless You, John!

 

by jes_lawson
10-16-05
RARRR! TOBOR WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD!
You already suck, Tobor!
RARRR! IT'S TRUE!

 

by jes_lawson
10-17-05
I've been squashed!
Wow, what choice! Three different kinds of crab! I'm going to be shellfish and eat the lot, followed by that small crushed Asian.

 

by jes_lawson
10-19-05
Hi is that Sporgan Murlock Recruitment? This is Mr. Lawson, I'm returning your call.
Good afternoon Mr. Larsen!
No, it's LAWSON.
Dawson?
L A W S O N! As in the former Chancellor, or the TV cook!
One moment please, transferring you.

 

by jes_lawson
10-19-05
I've got a Mr. Lawson on line 2 for you.
Hot damn! I've managed to get him an interview with BarCap!
Nigel! Hi!

 

by jes_lawson
10-22-05
On the way to an interview in Manchester
Sem politicians are all a joke like, mate.
Mind you that Tony Blair does the work of two men, aye,
Laurel and Hardy! Heh heh heh!

 

by jes_lawson
10-22-05
See that David Blunkett? They fire him then they bring 'im back.
Coz e's blind like, his head always used to nod around.
Like Noddy.

 

by jes_lawson
10-22-05
But the sacked him, see, and they brought in that Charles Clarke.
E's another one an' all! See the size of 'is ears?
So there's me thinkin' "Hold on, we've got Noddy and Big Ears runnin' the country!"

 

by jes_lawson
10-25-05
Monday
'Scuse me mate, is this Bridge Court?
No, this is St. George's Court. Bridge Court is opposite this one.
Tuesday
Hi there, I've got a delivery for a Mister Langstrom?
Either that's a horrible mangle of my name, or you want St. George's Street.
All day.
Ur, hi mate, is this St. George's Bridge?
Urgh...let me try and explain...

 

by jes_lawson
10-25-05
This is St. George's Court, off Bridge Street. Bridge Court is opposite.
The St. George's Centre is in front of our apartment complex. There is NO St. George's Bridge. Clear?
Look Mr. Langstrom, are you gonna sign for this fucking package or what?
Just...just give me the damn pen.

 

by jes_lawson
10-27-05
Now talking in #stripcreator
Don Coscarelli bought us $300 worth of beer for our movie premiere!
Wicked! But I reckon there will be strings attatched.
I reckon he is gonna want a cut of your profits, and to ban you from drinking ever again.
He's gonna make you an offer that you can't re-booze.

 

by jes_lawson
10-27-05
Oi! Have you got any recordings of wasps?
Yeah, we've got a copy in the back. Wait here, and I'll play it...
BZZZZZZZZZ! Buzz , buzz buzzamubuzz, BZZZZZZZZZ!
Oi, again! I'm a wasp, I should know! That was NOT a recording of wasps!
My mistake sir, I had it on the Bee Side.

 

by jes_lawson
10-30-05
TRICK OR TREAT? RARRGH! TOBOR WILL SUUUCK YOUR BLOOOD!
Wait here...
But... what do you mean this guy's more Goth than I can ever be?
This guy can drink blood all night. We're through.
RAAARGH! TOBOR WILL...
Shut up, and get down there, this is only gonna last for the next 3-5 days, my new metal best friend.

 

by jes_lawson
11-01-05
Two Wrongs do not make a Right.
No.
But what do two Rights make, then?
A U-Turn.

 

by jes_lawson
11-02-05
Lord Rasher, can you hear me?
Yes, Master!
Where is Egg-May? Is she safe? Is she all right?
It seems, in your anger, you grilled her!
NOOOOOOOO!!!

Showing page 16.

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