All comics by mandingo

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Little Debbie Snack Cake Man arrives just in time to make Guy Dying of Thirst's death slightly more bearable.
No need to thank me.
by mandingo, 7-12-07

 

by mandingo
7-12-07
christ, there's nothing worse than sitting at a stoplight with an indigent staring at you for a handout
if you don't give him something, you feel like an asshole. if you do, you feel like a pushover. all you can do is wait for the sweet release a green light will bring.
problem solved!
that's called hit and run, Harry

 

by mandingo
7-12-07
i know you took too much acid, Steve. i know that framed Gene Simmons photo you're so desperately clutching to your bosom represents your psyche's attempt to hold onto your sanity
but what if what you're really holding is your inhibitions? what if i were to tell you that letting go of them right now, right this instant, would lead to a life irrevocably content and happy
hey, did you hear about Steve? he stripped naked, ate every urinal cake on the floor, then jumped to his death singing Ziggy Stardust
that fucking crab.

 

by mandingo
7-12-07
grandma, i really wish you wouldn't have done that anal gangbang in your 20s.
me too, dear.
wherever you go, you leave a trail of shit like Billy from Family Circus
i know, dear, i know
speaking of which, why'd you go through my drawers after coming down from the treehouse and swinging on the swing?
i was looking for a cork

 

by mandingo
7-12-07
i'm not going to point fingers, but you were the worst possible vice-president i could have picked
that's true. you did win the televised debate.

 

by mandingo
7-13-07
be very still
where did it come from!
the circus used to travel these woods. it must have escaped its cage and gone feral
WE'RE GONNA DIE!
smell my flower smell my flower smell my flower smell my flower

 

by mandingo
7-13-07
in the before time, he was just a lazy kid who enjoyed video games. but when he died in a hideous car accident, his brain was grafted onto a cybermatrix neural network and he became...!
a lazy robot that liked video games.
seriously, you're fucking up my grant money here

 

by mandingo
7-16-07
is that a cup of pee right there next to the toilet? why would someone walk all the way to the bathroom just to pee in a cup
or maybe they peed in a cup when a bathroom wasn't available and then walked it in here later. but why wouldn't they have poured it in the toilet and thrown the cup away?
so you drank it?
don't judge me, monkey

 

by mandingo
7-16-07
i took my owls today.
that's great, Harry! how'd you do?
i was pretty sloppy on the first one. couldn't get a handle on the anatomy. the second was easy
i'm sure you did fine!
my bum hurts
he's soooo dreamy

 

by mandingo
7-16-07
i hear the new owner's moving in today ___________________ he's gotta be better than Fred, that slob
SHARK HUNGRY!
WE'RE GONNA DIE! ___________________ I MAKE FISH TURD!
hey, Joey. just returning this shark costume
thanks, Fred

 

by mandingo
7-16-07
when a worm is cut in half, it becomes two worms. and one of my grandmas had just died, and i really missed her. and i had a knife. so i went over to my other grandma's house and...!
shared with her what i'd learnt about worms.
phew! from that buildup, i thought you were gonna cut me in half for sure!
grandma, that only works for worms!

 

by mandingo
7-19-07
i can't sleep
me either
unless i just fell asleep and am dreaming about not being able to fall asleep. if that's the case, my sleeping mind can use any contorted logic it wants to convince me i'm awake
maybe you are asleep then. after all, i am a floating paperclip
but floating paperclips are normal here on Klaktar 3
this is true

 

by mandingo
7-19-07
...and the priest laughed a moment before easily exorcising the little ghost from the haunted hut...
but when he got to the haunted house, he huffed and he puffed, but he couldn't exorcise even the tiniest ghost mouse from the well-fortified structure...
defeated, the priest lay down on the front lawn and cried. at which point the 3 little ghosts came out and beat him over the head with pool cues. THE END.
again, again!

 

by mandingo
7-19-07
...
damn kids shit on my front porch again
those. bastards.

 

by mandingo
7-19-07
hmm
what's wrong
well i'm writing a letter to my friend John. but i hate to start a letter "Dear John," it sounds so doleful
i've got just the thing
Dear Gorilla Fart?

 

by mandingo
7-20-07
i'm drinking so much, this cow
dog
donkey thing is starting to look good

 

by mandingo
7-20-07
♫ TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN THIS GUY! ♫
no no! disguise! disguise!
are you sure?
positive!
*phew* that was close.
♫ TRANSFORMERS! ROBOTS IN THIS GUY! ♫

 

by mandingo
7-21-07
what do you want for dinner?
how about bacon and eg...
!
...eg...egxtra bacon
you were gonna say eggs, weren't you!
why, you feel a couple stirring?

 

by mandingo
7-21-07
together, i think we can take him, Mr. Winky
yeah?
unless the intense desert sun is making me hallucinate you. in which case, i'll go in thinking i have backup and get beaten retarded
unless you're also hallucinating the robot
no chance. if i was hallucinating the robot, why would i make him so goddamn SEXY?
sir, pull up your pants and step away from the ATM

 

by mandingo
7-22-07
ROAR!
ROAR I SAY! ROAR! ...WHY AREN'T YOU SCARED?
i eat out of maggot-infested garbage cans and sleep in my own filth on a world infected with Baldwins. what could you possibly due to me that's worse than my continued existence?
there are Baldwins here??
roar i say. roar.

 

by mandingo
7-22-07
hey!
get back up there!

 

by mandingo
7-22-07
christ, John! did you SEE that one!
i saw! i saw!

 

by mandingo
7-23-07
why is Frank Beard the only one without a beard?
why'd i paint my walls the color of beard?
why isn't The Color of Beard a Lifetime Channel movie?

 

by mandingo
7-23-07
♫southern man better keep your head. don't forget what your good book said. southern change gonna come at last. now your crosses are burning fast♫
♫well I heard mister Young sing about her. well, I heard ole Neil put her down. well, I hope Neil Young will remember, a southern man don't need him around anyhow♫
♫i heard screaming and bullwhips cracking. how long? how long?♫
9 inches limp.
sweet hotel alabama!
i'll get the car.

 

by mandingo
7-24-07
The Owl patrols Phoenix's streets, its new Superhero protector. though the city does not yet know it has a protector, it soon will know the one called... called... *THUMP*
it's okay, buddy. you just had a bit of heat exhaustion. it's too hot here to be outside with that costume on
later...
Turkey Belt patrols Phoenix's streets, its new Superhero protector. though the city does not yet know it has a protector, it soon will know the one called...
CHICKEN FUCKER!

 

by mandingo
7-25-07
they say the world is ending next Thursday. and i'm horny as shit. hmmm...
they said the world was ending last Thursday.
and i'm horny as shit.
hmmm...

 

by mandingo
7-26-07
...dice up half an onion and add just a sprig of parsley.
what's a sprig?
~i can't tell you that, John. not until you've done what i asked~
the sick bastard tortured and killed his entire family
yeah, but that souffle!

 

by mandingo
7-26-07
i've never done this before. i just really need bus fare. please be gentle?
i'm a liquid composed of molecules that move freely among themselves. i have no choice but to be gentle.
MY THROBBING THROBBING HIPPY ANUS!
TAKE IT ALLLLLLLL!
you didn't pay me!

 

by mandingo
7-26-07
sometimes men need some quick sex
so they go out to the street corner looking for a certain type of man who can find them a sure thing. for a fee, of course
you mean a pimp
this way to the pussy!
i can't, my wife's waiting in the car

 

by mandingo
7-26-07
Hey dad. It's me. I know we never really got along after you hit me with those plates, but I'm just here to say sorry.
Sorry that I never fought back when you beat me, sorry you chased off all my friends, sorry you locked me in the basement till i was six.
Those are the same things you do to me.
Those are the same things you do to me, sir.

 

by mandingo
7-27-07
i've come to suck your blooood!
no please god! GOD PLEASE NO! I HAVE A FAMILY! PLEASE!
so i'm like, "try it, you fuck. i've beat badder fuckers' asses than yours, you simpering little bitch. remember Frankenstein? haven't seen him around lately, have you?"
wow, dude. you're pretty hardcore.
well i'm not gonna let some little Transylvanian pussy... ... ...is that a dracula costume?
what, this? just laundry. so what happened next? you show him who's boss by sucking his black cock?

 

by mandingo
7-27-07
dear CHRIST, did you see how many of them there were? where the hell are we??
the internet, dear. the internet.
The Transformers is an excellent escapist adventure that has more than an iota of entertainment value.
You can have action/scifi shows and movies which are devoid of any intellectual merits and yet still fun to watch. Mirror Mask is a good example.
Tom and Jerry is good and is arguably better than Transformers, but not being "as good" doesn't equal "suck."
He-Man ftw!

 

by mandingo
7-29-07
my voice is lost, no one hears
never to be heard, my deepest fear
what did she say?
i don't know. she has the mic turned the wrong way

 

by mandingo
7-29-07
it's pretty obvious who did it, the victim was a 7 year old.
what are you doing? unhand me!
wait, wait. make that a 7-year-old girl
let me go!
*phew*
nope, scratch that. it was a boy, he just had his penis bitten off
it was his idea to work together!
shut up, you idiot!

 

by mandingo
7-30-07
sit that sweet, plump ass on me, stud
did that bench just talk to me?
why's there a bus bench in my house anyway?
why's there blood all over my hands?

 

by mandingo
7-30-07
Dave still didn't understand the duel.
All he knew is that it had something to do with his late braking and something he'd hit on I-80.
Either way, there was only one way out of this.
5 paces, turn and fire.
*beep beep*

 

by mandingo
7-31-07
♫ sex with an alligator, livin it up while it's goin down ♫
did you hear about ben? got his pecker bitten off.
that fucker always was bad with lyrics

 

by mandingo
7-31-07
welcome to heaven, breakfast buffet to your right, today's fondue friday... hey, what are you doing here? i thought you were immortal
well it went like this...
i've come to suck your blood... oh shit, it's you
ah, and he zapped you up here before you could bite him.
oh no. like the ASSHOLE I AM, i bit him. but then i had the unpleasant sensation of TASTING MY OWN ASS as i got stomped to death by vampire jesus

 

by mandingo
7-31-07
there's a high fly ball... should be an easy play for Jacque Jones... oh he dropped it! he dropped it! looks like he lost it in the lights, Ron.
no, he didn't lose it in the lights. you don't lose fly balls in the lights, only line drives. i thought he was gonna make an error on that play, Len. i thought it before the batter swung.
i thought it driving to work today. i played a long time, Len. i played prenatally. i played up in heaven before i was reincarnated. i taught god baseball and the first person.
after the game...
so what happened with that flyball, Jacque?
lost it in the lights

 

by mandingo
8-01-07
Clownfucius say, "She who smiles too broadly at clown, gets assrape till dawn."

 

by mandingo
8-02-07
the Cubs are in first place
haha!
good one.
no, really.
YOU GO TOO FAR!

 

by mandingo
8-02-07
Cubs are in first!
that's highly illogical
no, seriously, Spock. they're in first.
i don't think so, captain. i calculate the odds against that happening as 489,325 to 1. i believe the applicable earth saying is "when pigs fly."
"On Screen!"
V formation, boys!

 

by mandingo
8-03-07
North America does not approve of your drapes
North America demands you put up blinds instead
North America is an asshole
NORTH AMERICA CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS!
please, not the whip!

 

by mandingo
8-03-07
being the white keys on a piano kinda sucks
could be worse. we could be the black keys
i think they prefer the term african american keys
i still call them negro keys!
grampa!

 

by mandingo
8-04-07
one-arm hombre keel Señor Kimble's esposa!
it wunnit me, detective! he keel her! he cut off my arm so i no tell! but i guess i av to now
here's how he told me she die...
i tie you up like Michael Hutchence and geev it to you hard
ohhhhhhh Speedy!
i arreste tha Gonzales punk, but sumtin just no seem righ about tha Kaiser Soze's story

 

by mandingo
8-04-07
este Halloween
and then the lil sheet stab me

 

by mandingo
8-05-07
Colonel Sanders is getting his chicken back!
COLONEL SANDERS AND TOBOR YOU MEAN
let's get the fuck out of here, Pete!
PETE AND TOBOR YOU MEAN

 

by mandingo
8-06-07
i vunt to suck your cock!
you mean blood
i vunt to suck your blood...
...-engorged cock!
freshmen.

 

by mandingo
8-06-07
go get a job, Larry!
go get a job, Larry!
every day it's the same damn thing. why not be original for once?
go get a job, Larry!
...

 

by mandingo
8-16-07
let us pray.
let us pray.
let us pray.

Showing page 16.

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