All comics by Cobb

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by Cobb
8-11-05
the subcommittee for human and animal relations has sent me on a diplomatic foray. i present myself to you as the liberal fairy. my charter is to establish a semi-permanent grant status.
whoa.
you can think of me as a fairy godmother. you know, three wishes and all?
are you for real?
i assure you that, although i am fully capable of godlike powers only instantiated in your wildest dreams, that i am in fact as real as the nose on your face.
uh.. dude.

 

by Cobb
8-16-05
i have a question for you.
shoot.
if you had a choice, which white woman would you rather be? natalee holloway or cindy sheehan?
damn!
well?
i still think you watch too much tv.

 

by Cobb
8-28-05
did you see p diddy on the video music awards?
yeah what was up with the 'new negro' t-shirt?
i don't know what to make of it.
neither do i.
you didn't really watch the video music awards did you?
no, but i'm supposed to know this stuff.

 

by Cobb
8-30-05
..i'm walkin' on sunshine, whoa ho..
i really wish you would stop singing that song. it's getting on my last nerve.
but i can't get it out of my head. 80s music is like that.
don't you realize what you've done? new orleans is under 5 feet of water.
oh shit, did i leave the krell machine on again?
duh!

 

by Cobb
9-01-05
this is a national embarrassment. what a joke. bush clearly doesn't know what to do in new orleans.
it has only been a few days, what is it with you shortsighted liberals? don't you realize these things take time?
people are living in the streets, dead bodies are floating around. there's no food, water or electricty.
i can't believe that all you can do is complain.
look, i'm a blogger. this what i do, keep the conversation going. just like i do about iraq.
i suppose your solution is the same. withdraw the national guard.

 

by Cobb
9-02-05
what's new?
i can't believe the chaos here. check this: there's a lot more dead in the water than the media's letting on.
yike!
there are a few people in town with satellite phones and they say the city is beginning to smell like death. people are going nuts trying to leave.
can you imagine waiting for a bus under those conditions?
at this point i think those poor folks would lose it if it just started to rain.

 

by Cobb
9-02-05
no offense but i don't think that anybody wants to see you volunteer in new orleans.
you just don't get it. i'm exactly what people need, a fool to keep their minds off trouble.
yeah but there's a point at which it's just too serious. don't you see that?
that's exactly the point that i'm needed most. at the bleakest hour, only a clown can save you.
i think you have it all wrong.
yeah but you voted for schwartzeneggar.

 

by Cobb
9-02-05
so, have you been looted?
no, i just came back from the mexican border to help. i was a minuteman. i'm just putting this away.
so you're going to help put down the lawless black insurrection that has gripped the heart of this fair city?
what are you talking about?
well you had the gun, i just thought you were ready to bust a cap in some black asses. what kind of redneck are you anyway?
ashamed.

 

by Cobb
9-02-05
and now we will interrupt our coverage of cindy sheehan to bring you breaking news.
we now go to our reporters on the ground in new orleans.
don't we have any reporters in the field?
actually, i thought *you* volunteered.

 

by Cobb
9-02-05
i understand that you are part of the new troop deployment. what are your orders?
i'm here to drive a busload of surviors to houston where conditions are better.
and what exactly does that involve?
excuse me sir, but you said 'just one question' 15 minutes ago. i really have to get to it.
and there you have it, concrete proof that the administration's plan is over-simplified and lacking the kind of detail that we need.
roll the tape of the looters again.

 

by Cobb
9-03-05
so bottom line, should there be more troops or less troops in new orleans?
it's obvious that bush should have sent more troops the moment things started to go wrong.
and you don't see a conflict between that and iraq.?
iraq? we have no business being in iraq. bush should take all of those troops out and bring them home.
you realize that what you've just said is the formula for making america more like a police state.
do me a favor. let's just keep this between us ok?

 

by Cobb
9-03-05
..and then they silenced the voice of black protest. you know i really like kanye west.
..yeah..
if i were you, i'd be mad as hell. you see how they called your people 'refugees'. i mean they've got them living like animals.
..well, it's the corrupt white power structure..
but not me, right?
give me 500 bucks and i'll alert the black network on your behalf.

 

by Cobb
9-03-05
oh my god, is that what i think it is?
yeah. dead bodies at ogrish.com
i didn't realize it was that horrible.
well, you know, the big media doesn't want anybody to be offended.
this time, i'm with them.
you didn't say that about the nick berg video.

 

by Cobb
9-04-05
clearly fema screwed up everything. i mean i don't mean to join the anti-bush chorus but you've got to admit that they were really slow in their response.
i've been thinking about it and i've decided that the response was just right.
you're kidding me. i never figured you to be so heartless.
hear me out. do you really want a federal government to be powerful, swift and accurate? i say pick two.
ok then i will join the anti-bush chorus. bush is not accurate, and this time he wasn't swift either. and because of that he's too powerful for our own good.
i walked into that one.

 

by Cobb
9-05-05
what do you know about this general honore?
the john wayne dude? oh man he rocks.
i hear he's kicking ass and taking names.
the city is secured thanks to this guy.
i don't suppose we'll hear about it on cnn.
you won't hear about bill whittle either. but hey, that's what blogs are for. superior intelligence.

 

by Cobb
9-06-05
..and of course they knew that the poor black people wouldn't be able to survive..
..i hate to interrupt, but i think i have learned seomthing very important about americans in this disaster.
and that is?
in any other country people would be blaming god for this tragedy. instead the blame is heaped upon george bush.
so you're saying george bush is god?
listen to the wailing and gnashing of teeth. from now on you'll hear it in every complaint.

 

by Cobb
9-10-05
..and that's why intelligent design ought to be considered seriously.
you know i'm hesitant to say that you're full of crap but i do have one question. maybe you can ask god in your spare time.
ask me and i'll relay that.
if god so intelligently designed humans, why do men have nipples?
..uhm.. because they're sexy?
i don't even want to know why you think so.

 

by Cobb
9-11-05
i would have thought we would have been relocated to new orleans but we're still at the mexican border.
i was still in demonic mode. it wouldn't have helped.
so weren't you infiltrating peta or something?
mission accomplished. i hear that success is going to get me more domestic work. my handler says his boss has gotten a new budget.
congratulations on your promotion sir.
yeah well i could see the writing on the wall. brownie was a short timer from day one.

 

by Cobb
9-13-05
i'm really sick of all the bad news and finger-pointing people are doing at bush.
well you gotta admit, nobody's blamless in this.
still, everything is not bush's fault. it's not like he runs every agency personally.
the fema director announced that he's retiring today.
well, i suppose that's good news.
yeah, but it will probably take him a few days to actually do it.

 

by Cobb
9-14-05
it says here in usa today that over 65% of black people think that president bush doesn't care about them.
race race race. how come nobody talks about class?
are you being sarcastic?
it should be obvious that if the president actually didn't care, it's not because he's racist. just that most blackfolks are poorer.
yeah but you have to admit the racial thing is real.
sure, i admit that poor white people were completely invisible in new orleans.

 

by Cobb
9-20-05
so what do you think?
about what?
about katrina. it wasn't too bad was it? i mean only about 1000 dead, a couple million displaced.
we've done worse.
what do you mean we? you're the one who does earthquakes and tsunamis.
oh like your viruses are harmless.

 

by Cobb
10-10-05
another day another disaster. how did you manage the pakistan earthquake so soon? i mean hurricane season still isn't over.
who cares. so long as we don't get busted.
don't you think your bias towards north america is showing though?
oh not you too. you think i'm being too tough on the third world?
i'm starting to think that when i abducted paul wolfowitz he may have implanted some neocon thoughts in *you*.
i think you've been reading the wrong side of the blogosphere.

 

by Cobb
10-13-05
we've got to get all republicans in line over this miers nomination or we'll lose momentum. we should start with supply-siders. who else?
well, there are reagan democrats, 2nd amendment hawks, the law & order crowd, strict constructionists, pro-lifers..
military patriots, neocons, paleocons, the christian right, soccer moms, patio men, angry white men, rinos, neoconfederates..
log cabins, chickenhawks, culture warriors, commie haters, the anti-pc crowd, hillary haters.. that's about all i can think of.
did we leave anybody out?
yeah, john mccain.

 

by Cobb
10-17-05
i've decided to get serious. i'm reforming my ways. no more anal probes. no more abductions.
what brings you to this point in your rehabilitation?
remember when we fixed the red sox game last year?
you're meddling with sports again? can't you just leave humans to their own devices. people actually believe in that stuff.
hey, it's only baseball. so how do you like those white sox?
whew! i for a minute there i thought usc actually didn't beat notre dame.

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
ok so if we didn't give civil rights to blacks, where would they have got them?
well, i'm sure that there were ancient kemetic principles of democracy that existed before the greeks.
even if that was true, kemet didn't survive. so the baton got passed to the greeks. then from the greeks to the enlightenment then to america.
but america has corrupted everything, that's why blacks seek the original truth from kemet.
so we'll send them to iraq. that's close to kemet, right?
i don't think you understand my point.

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
so why are you all concerned about black people these days?
i've decided that we liberals have to come up with new ideas and support what people of color are all about today.
as soon as you understand blackness, they'll start calling themselves african americans. then you're just another racist white male. it's pointless.
well at least i admit that i'm a racist white male.
so i'm in denial. is that it?
so deep in your heart you don't believe whoopi goldberg is ugly?

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
just because i think whoopi goldberg is unattractive doesn't mean i hate black people.
well, look what you're saying. she's smart, she's funny...
she's ugly
..she's rich, she's a movie star, she's travelled all over the world, she's written books.
yeah but she's a dog. now lauryn hill, i could get with her..
aha. you saw 'sister act', there may be hope for you yet.

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
see you are mistaking european standards of beauty as absolute. that is why you are prone to racist misjudgements.
aww come on. it's not racist to think some people are just skanky. it doesn't mean i don't respect them as humans.
ok here's a test. do you think j-lo's butt is too big?
yeah, so.
gotcha.
i know what this is all about. you have a new black girlfriend don't you?

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
you should be embarrassed by gwbush. he's such a wimp.
what's that supposed to mean?
it means that the checks and balances on the imperial presidency is manifest in georgie's lack of stones.
you're crazy. w is captain of the free world.
c'mon. his whole administration is held in limbo by a guy named 'scooter'.
isn't that homophobic or something?

 

by Cobb
10-19-05
so it was all a great misunderstanding.
what's to understand? bush promised that he was going to restore dignity to the white house and now he won't come clean.
well, see it was the way the matter was framed.
what's so unclear about getting to the bottom of the valerie plame?
isn't that sexual harrassment?
oh you can't be serious.

 

by Cobb
10-21-05
hey what's new?
one of the indiana pacers is claiming that the new nba dress code is racist.
what's so racist about it?
well, he says it's obviously directed at black men's desire to wear bling. so he's protesting by wearing all his fat gold chains.
so let me see if i've got this straight. free, rich black men should have the right to wear chains?
maybe we should join the protest. do you know where we can get some shackles?

 

by Cobb
10-23-05
did you ever wonder if there's like a black country club?
not really, but i always did wonder where oj simpson plays golf. you know. who would let him in?
there's got to be some kind of club for disgraced, rich blackfolks. when they retire.
like bobby brown. yeah i know what you mean.
do you think michael j..
no!

 

by Cobb
10-23-05
i don't see why you should concentrate on the negative. most successful blackfolks don't retire in disgrace.
yeah i know. my dad's got a house on barbados. he invites people he grew up with.
oh really? are they celebrities?
not exactly. but they did have great accomplishments. like some track stars from the tokyo olympic games.
wow. that was a long time ago.
yeah. i don't know how they did it. they didn't even have nikes back then.

 

by Cobb
10-23-05
black history is astounding. i'm really impressed at the accomplishments people made back then.
do you think we're spoiled?
nahh. i mean i don't even have hi-def television.
you're right. my cell phone doesn't work inside my house either.
god. now i'm depressed. let's go shopping.
ok. should we take the benz or the hummer?

 

by Cobb
10-23-05
our time is coming. i can smell it.
yeah, like i was really stoked to hear that that miers chick supports affirmative action.
plus tom delay could be going to jail.
with any luck, dick cheney will have a heart attack.
so are you ready for hillary in '08?
that depends. can we get michael moore as veep?

 

by Cobb
10-23-05
michael moore in the white house? that's a little extreme don't you think?
no, dude. it's totally perfect, because then we could send him and a cameraman anywhere on the planet to get the truth.
hmm. i see your point. who could refuse to see the vice president of the united states?
well, like everybody now, because cheney's there.
you don't have any idea how this actually works do you?
hey don't kill my buzz. even you admitted it's a radical idea.

 

by Cobb
10-29-05
can you believe spike lee? he says it's not far-fetched that the government blew up the dikes in new orleans.
you mean the government that couldn't get there in time to save drowning buses?
well, anything is possible. let's see, what else? maybe the government put a mind control chip in spike lee's head.
more likely that it was lsd tabs in the jello at the nyu film school cafeteria.
or they put it in his courtside seat in amounts too subtle to be detected until after 10 seasons of knicks games.
or maybe he's just getting publicity for his next film.

 

by Cobb
11-02-05
paris is burning.
hitler right?
no, hitler asked the question in ww2, but it's happening now. muslims are rioting over the deaths of two teenagers.
hmm. serves them right.
you're still not mad over them not going into iraq.
how do you say 'i told you so' in french?

 

by Cobb
11-07-05
dude, i am so against torture. it's like a ginormous zit on the face of america.
ginormous?
yeah. gigantically enormous. i mean, like, think of what people looking at americans like you and me must think.
makes you want sit in your parent's basement and just light up a whole bale of hay, don't it?
wow. that's so cool that you vibe like that. so, you like, agree with me?
no, actually i think we've achieved balance.

 

by Cobb
11-07-05
is that the history channel?
yeah. i'm watching the history of the crusades. it's fascinating. helps me to understand the conflict between christianity and islam.
right. you know my cousin was an actor in that. they let him keep the sword. he's not a very good actor but he knows how to ride a horse.
..so i thought it could be useful..
usually he works at medieval times. you know the jousts are all staged, but he gets to wear his hair long and work on his british accent.
..in understanding the clash of civilizations..

 

by Cobb
11-09-05
i didn't realize that the french were such pussies. two weeks of riots and fewer deaths than a weekend of drunk driving on martha's vineyard.
well, maybe there's a legititmate political reason that they are keeping it non-lethal.
you're kidding me right? c'mon, you know better than that. it's just your standard muslim underclass youth.
so you're saying they're incapable of making more trouble?
jihad junior.
why do i have the feeling that you've been briefed?

 

by Cobb
11-09-05
riots continue in various parts of france this evening. in response the french government has issued a new level of terror alert.
they have raised their alert status from 'run & hide' to 'surrender'.
experts predict that if the rioting continues, the alert status could be raised to 'collaborate' by the end of this week.

 

by Cobb
11-13-05
would you rather be a single mother in america or a married woman in the third world?
that's a dumb question.
that's a dumb answer.
well i disagree with your premise.
you're still evading the question.
ok, let's try this again from the top. we were talking about ... what?

 

by Cobb
11-13-05
download anything cool lately?
i got a sony root kit for ipods.
got that one.
chechnyan snuff films.
ooh with beslan kids? what do you want for that?
i'll trade you for scooter libby's deposition.

 

by Cobb
11-14-05
mitt romney, how about you?
i'm torn between mccain and giuliani.
yeah, i could see that. which do you think would do best against hilary?
top of the ticket or the bottom?
i've always thought of hilary as a top.
oh man, you're killing me. now i can't get the image out of my head.

 

by Cobb
11-14-05
so what do you think is the wildest thing hilary clinton would do in bed?
somehow i envision her talking about a policy to decriminalize prostitution.
that's pretty good. i imagine that she makes her hair all frizzy and puts on an arkansas drawl.
whoa! you know i bet she did bimbo herself up for bill.
you know we're pretty sick. let's just keep this conversation between us ok?
what conversation?

 

by Cobb
11-14-05
i dunno. maybe democrat chicks are hotter than republican chicks.
maybe so, but chicks who don't know a thing about politics are hotter still.
you got my vote. heh.
but wait. what about fawn hall?
cia chicks? now you're talking.
hey, maybe that's what this plame thing is all about.

 

by Cobb
11-14-05
so what's new in the computer world?
porncasting.
i'm afraid to ask.
all the hot starlets in hollywood are taking amatuer video and making it availble for download on video ipods.
you're kidding me right?
yeah. it's just an idea. but it's got to start somewhere.

 

by Cobb
11-14-05
..and that was just the monkey! hahaha!
..yeah pretty funny.
c'mon that was my best joke. what's up with you? you look like you've failed a roadside obeisity checkpoint! hahaha.
clearly you don't appreciate the severity of my dilemma.
so what? you've really got to snap out of it. the mcrib will be back next summer.
that's 8 long months.

 

by Cobb
11-23-05
this just in. snoop dogg has joined the chorus of supporters of crips founder and quadruple murderer tookie williams.
the gangsta rapper is currently promoting his new video game 'true crime: streets of new york' and producing his newest video 'katrina girls gone wild'
he issued the statement on his way to iraq for a benefit concert for saddam hussein, after which he plans to run for president with running mate michael moore.

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