All comics by choadwarrior

Profile

 

by choadwarrior
10-18-04
Mr. Cleese, I saw you on Food TV last night hosting a show about wine.
What did you think?
I was really sad to see what you've become.
Old and fat? That happens to every man.
No, the very type of affected, pompous, pretentious, egotistical, self-important snob you lampooned in your youth.

 

by choadwarrior
10-20-04
Nice restaurants...
You're too young.
Gaa gaa sue sue.
Abercrombie & Fitch...
Dude, you're waaaaay too old!
I didn't come to look at the clothes, silly.
Buffets...
I don't care what your weight is on your license, you can't fit through the door.

 

by choadwarrior
10-20-04
You're the guy who smells armpits to test different brands of deoderant?
Yes. Raise your arms, please.
Dude, how much do they pay you to do this?
Pay me? This is really more of a hobby. I'm just glad to help out.
EEK!
Sniff. Sniff. Sniff. Mmmmmmmm... musky, not too pretentious, with a slight floral finish.

 

by choadwarrior
10-20-04
You rarely talk about life outside of work.
That's because I have a life outside of work.
What do you do with your free time?
My friends and I enjoy many intellectual pursuits.
Like the other day, we were talking about how calling someone a butthole is dirtier than calling them an asshole.

 

by choadwarrior
10-21-04
I'm never going to have a job where you have to wear a tie.
Then you'll probably never have a job where you could afford to buy a tie.
If I ever had to wear a tie, I'd buy one of those Jerry Garcia ties.
What a sellout! He never wore a tie in his life.
He did around his arm.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-04
Your room will be $275 per night, plus tax.
Can you tell me where I can find your pool, state-of-the-art fitness facility, and bar?
We don't have any of those, but we do have lumpy beds, moldy rooms, and nosy owners.
I see.
So what are you planning to do during your stay?

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-04
Knock Knock Knock!
Just a second!
I just wanted to make sure you saw the sign in the bathroom about taking long showers.
Sorry...
It just took me longer than usual to jerk off.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-04
So I don't talk to my son anymore, but that's okay, I still have my grandchildren from my daugher and my second-husband...
I'm sorry.
Oh, I got over it a long time ago.
No, I'm sorry my face is unable to show more disinterest.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-04
You look really great!
So do you!
But mostly me.

 

by choadwarrior
10-23-04
I've lived here in Humboldt County my whole life.
In fact, it's my birthday today. I'm sixty-two.
Happy birthday.
Thanks. You want to smoke some weed with me?

 

by choadwarrior
10-24-04
I'm officially panicking.
The minister hasn't shown up and nobody knows where he is.
I'm ordained with the Universal Life Church.
I'm not having an atheist marry me.
Yeah, she's hung up on all the promise before God stuff.
Hey, I'd just be the guy asking the question, whether you think you're answering to anybody but me is between you and Him.

 

by choadwarrior
10-25-04
I've given up on downloading music. I buy everything I want now.
Afraid of the lawsuits?
No, its just that my music tastes are too arcane and I never find what I'm looking for.
That seems hard to believe.
Not when you consider how many of those people trading music who bought it at Wal-Mart or Target.
Good point.

 

by choadwarrior
10-29-04
The boss sent me in to tell you that you're in charge of planning the holiday party.
Shouldn't someone who likes going to the holiday party be in charge of planning it?
He says everyone else has done it, so it's your turn.
I see.
How come you don't like the holiday party?
Oh, don't get me wrong...it's a great opportunity to see all the people you see everyday and talk to them somewhere else.

 

by choadwarrior
10-31-04
It's great being a Denny's general manager.
Only if you enjoy refusing service to the blacks.
I love it when people come in one way and by the time they leave, they're in a completely different mood.
Yeah, they come in hungry and leave in horror.
The best thing is the look on their faces.
This lady sounds like a real masochist.

 

by choadwarrior
10-31-04
I'm here to ask you to support Prop 72, which will force companies like Wal-Mart to provide health insurance to their employees.
I think that's a really dumb idea.
Their employees go to public hospitals when they are sick, so we end up paying their medical bills.
We'd pay for them anyway through higher prices at the store if health insurance was added to its overhead.
This will help poor people.
Not the ones who shop at Wal-Mart.

 

by choadwarrior
11-01-04
Stop frivolous lawsuits!
Sounds like a good idea.
Vote Yes on Prop 64!
Then again, my job depends on people filing frivolous lawsuits.
No it is.

 

by choadwarrior
11-01-04
That's a lot of candy, do you get many trick-or-treaters?
Actually, I've only had three in the past ten years.
You must have quite a sweet tooth then.
No, it's for all my co-workers who raid my candy dish at work.
Well, that's kind of like trick-or-treating.
Yup, every year I hand out obesity and adult onset diabetes.

 

by choadwarrior
11-05-04
ffft ffft ffft ffft
ffft ffft ffft ffft
Hey, I just e-mailed you that information you asked for.
How did you know it was me?
You're wearing courduroy.

 

by choadwarrior
11-08-04
I ain't driving that delivery truck anymore.
What's wrong with it?
It's old and rickety.
So?
What would you do if you had to drive an old, uncomfortable truck for a living?
Go to college.

 

by choadwarrior
11-08-04
Once again, I have to compliment you on what you're wearing.
Thanks.
You always coordinate everything so well. I wish I knew why my husband can't manage to do that.
I've always wondered why they don't make Garanimals® For Men.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-04
Can you order me one of those ergonomic chairs? Mine doesn't have enough padding.
Well?
Sorry, I'm enjoying the irony of something being a pain in your ass for once.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-04
I understand you two have an Ike & Tina Turner Revue tribute band.
Yes, we do.
It's our passion in life.
I'll bet that's fun.
Oh yeah, I dance wildly like Tina and sing until I'm hoarse.
Then I hit her.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-04
I saw the notice you sent to our CPA where you said our internal audit results were inaccurate.
You were off by a few hundred thousand dollars in my department.
I came to ask you to send it back approving the totals.
Why would I do that?
The accounting is easier if you agree.

 

by choadwarrior
11-09-04
Ring around the collar! Ring around the collar!
Mom, we need to buy Wisk.
Why?
So I won't suffer the apparent embarrassment of ring around the collar.
Or you could just wash your neck.

 

by choadwarrior
11-10-04
93
93
85
88
Dude, you have a really good palate.

 

by choadwarrior
11-12-04
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a new effective male contraceptive which will come in the form of an injection.
That's not new.
I've been telling chicks for years that a shot in the butt will keep them from getting pregnant.

 

by choadwarrior
11-12-04
AAAAAAH! I just had the most horrible dream!
Oh, dear--what was it about?
America ignored the situation with Iraq and the economy and voted Bush back into office based on "moral values."
I can think of worse.
NOOOOOO!
Time to ride dee cock train!

 

by choadwarrior
11-13-04
I'm so glad our politics are so tame compared to our neighbours to the south.
Mr. Prime Minister, someone is here to see you.
Who?
All the Americans who said they'd move to Canada if Kerry lost.
Have them wait in Quebec.

 

by choadwarrior
11-14-04
I know four easy payments of $39.95 sounds like an amazing bargain, but that's not all you get.
WOW! What else do you get if you act now and order your Showtime Rotisserie Oven?
You get the Liquid Flavor Injector.
Liquid Flavor Injector? Why do you call it that?
Hot Beef Injection was already taken.

 

by choadwarrior
11-15-04
Goddamnit...I told you a half hour ago to get me something to drink! Now go, you little shit!
Here you go.
Hey! This beer is warm.
It's not beer.

 

by choadwarrior
11-16-04
How do you like that Saab 9-5 you've been driving this week?
It's comfortable, has a smooth ride, and the engine definitely has more power than my 9-3, but overall, I like my car better.
Why?
The 9-5's interior was too European. It concentrated too much on basic function and lacked some of the ammenities I like in the 9-3.
So you didn't like the cupholders?
Pretty much.

 

by choadwarrior
11-18-04
Hi, Eric. How are you, Eric? Eric, this is Steve from sales at NetVirtuSolutionCorp, Eric.
They say one way to get people to listen to you is to say their name.
Eric, the reason for my call today, Eric, is to introduce my company to you, Eric, and see if I could possibly schedule a meeting with you, Eric, and assess your needs, Eric.
Apparently, research shows that people love hearing the sound of their name.
I'd really, love to sit down with you, Eric, so please give me a call, Eric. Eric, please call me today. I'll give you my cell phone number, Eric, that's the best way, Eric, to ***CLICK***
He definitely sealed the deal with me.

 

by choadwarrior
11-18-04
One of the parents at my school keeps spazzing out on me.
What is he doing?
He's just spastic.
I can't believe I'm hearing a special education teacher call someone spastic.
Why?
It just seems fucking retarded.

 

by choadwarrior
11-19-04
I'm sorry, but we're going to have to let you go.
But...but...but...
But what?
But who will make up all the sarcastic nicknames for people around the office if I'm gone?
You do that?
Yeah, I guess those are really just for me though.

 

by choadwarrior
11-21-04
Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley. Ya know, my doctors tell me nothing's more important than a big, brown stool. That's why I eat Quaker Oats.
Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and like you, I'm fat and sedentary. There's a new diabetes test on the market I wanna tell ya about.
I'll bet I could make more than his blood sugar rise!
Pax vobiscum. Was your mother's passing a surprise?
Not really, she'd been taking medical advice from The Unhealthiest Man In America for years.

 

by choadwarrior
11-21-04
Today, I was cleaning out my closets and I found three bottles of Spray-N-Wash stain remover.
I haven't used that product in like four years, since I lost a lot of weight.
Apparently, now when food drops out of my mouth, it lands on the napkin in my lap instead of my boobs.

 

by choadwarrior
11-22-04
Did you find everything you were looking for?
I'm a man.
So?
Well, either I found everything I was looking for because of my inate superior hunting abilities...
...or I'd never admit to a woman that I didn't.

 

by choadwarrior
11-24-04
I noticed something funny about the states that had high numbers of people who cast votes based on values.
It wasn't funny to 49% of the country.
They are also the states with the highest incidence of obesity.
Maybe they were thinking of value meals.

 

by choadwarrior
11-24-04
I'm tired of you Californians and Yankees thinkin' all us Southern folk are stupid, just cuz we talk with a drawl.
Spell "fillet."
Fillet? That's easy. Fil-A.
Very good, and how did you know that?
Because that's how they spell it at Chick-fil-A.
Okay, next spell "crispy" and "cream."

 

by choadwarrior
11-25-04
What's your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
The clam stuffing.
Don't you mean oyster stuffing?
Don't you mean sausage stuffing?
What were we talking about again?
Just make me a vodka and cranberry sauce and meet me behind the dumpster.

 

by choadwarrior
11-25-04
Did you get a chance to look over the menu for the holiday party?
Yeah. There weren't any options for vegetarians.
Yes there was--I made them add fish.
Fish is meat.
I'm pretty sure it doesn't count.
I'm pretty sure you're a dumbass.

 

by choadwarrior
11-27-04
Lord Carnarvon, I finally breached the wall into the mummy's tomb.
What did you discover, Mr. Carter?
The most wretched odor I have ever encountered.
Good heavens! Did you determine it's source?
King Toot Uncommon.

 

by choadwarrior
11-27-04
I have some sad news.
What?
The youth minister at church committed suicide.
Why?
Yes, she really said that.
Probably something you did.
Are you trying to flatter me?

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
If you suffer from erectile dysfunction, Cialis may be right for you.
You listening down there?
Warning: If erection persists over four hours, seek medical treatment immediately.
Four hours?
I don't see how showin' a nurse my pecker is going to make my boner go away.

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
I'm tired of you people sayin' the Constitution guarantees separation of church and state.
It does.
Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that!
But it does say, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion."
SEE! I TOLD YA!

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
I'm tired of them activist judges takin' away our rights!
What do you mean?
It was judges who took away prayer in school! It was judges who took the Ten Commandments out of public buildings! It was judges who legalized sodomy and abortion!
Actually, they didn't do it; the Founding Fathers did when they drafted the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.
I think that's the most unamerican thing I've ever heard.
Then think about this--those rulings didn't really take anything from you at all.

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
I believe the guv'ment is too big and should stay out of our lives.
At last, we finally agree on something.
You know what else I believe?
I'm afraid to ask.
We should have a Constitutional ammendment banning queer marriage.

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
Hey, Emeril, why the fuck did you put out a waffle iron with your signature phrase "BAM!" engraved in the plates?
The waffle iron is a very common tool found in the kitchen.
Just like you.

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
Zees is a good job, und you can make good tips.
Cool.
Of course, for zee first three months, I keep the tips because you are still in training and you are not yet earning your keep.
I see.
But you I think vill vork out vell and not quit after two months like everyone else.

 

by choadwarrior
11-28-04
Kurt, I quit.
You cannot quit--you are supposed to be here in a half-hour.
You fire people when they call in sick, and I have the worst hangover I've ever had, so I'm quitting.
You need to come in now!
This hangover has made me realize I don't like to get yelled at for five bucks an hour.
I DON'T YELL, UND YOU ARE ONLY ONE MONTH AWAY FROM MAKING TIPS YOU IDIOT!

Showing page 17.

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