All comics by ralahinn1

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by ralahinn1
11-09-17
I just got a letter from that "Indian"school...you know, that one that sends out letters around the holidays asking for donations for their students-
They used include a "worry doll" made with crow beads as a gift, to thank you for helping their students-
Now they send different items, including "dream catchers" made in China-
Here fi dallar-go away!

 

by ralahinn1
11-11-17
With it being Veteran's Day, and with the Holiday's coming, I'd like to share a story of my father(may have before ).
My father,who would have turned 100 years old this year, served in WWII. One year,while on KP duty, he walked in on another soldier "having his way" with a turkey. He became a vegetarian that year-
You do not want to go into that kitchen -private party going on!
Golly, thanks for the heads up.
Any hoo, happy Veteran's Day, and thanks for serving.

 

by ralahinn1
11-12-17
A former child actress talks about the Hollywood Sex scandals-
Land sakes, it's not like all this is new, there has been scandals at least since Fatty Arbuckle's time. And think of the "Little Rascals"-you think some of them would have got jobs without the couch?
You should have seen what they did with Trigger, Rin tin tin, and Lassie o_O.

 

by ralahinn1
11-13-17
It's that time of year again, so, grab some tissues, and watch those appeals to "save" poor foreign children-
I am back in that 3rd world village again, to ask for money to help "the children"-
You could help, by giving my village the fully loaded rv you live in when you make these programs.
I think next year, for the holiday season, I'm going to do an appeal to save animals.

 

An afternoon with Hillery Clinton and Nancy Pelosi-
What I want to know ,is why no one has tried to"sexually harass"us?
I know,right,even "Hands"Biden hasn't bothered us. I haven't a clue why.
by ralahinn1, 11-20-17

 

by ralahinn1
11-21-17
It's Thanksgiving in a few days-
Mother says this year,you start trouble, I can take you out back and shoot you.
Hmmm,does that include Chuck talking about his "air dick"or just politics ?
Moments later-
Sorry you had to shoot her-wanna hear about my "air dick"now?

 

by ralahinn1
11-21-17
Since I now have a ps4 , I'm playing the virtual worlds again-
Welcome, ralahinn1 . If you don't mind the lag,glitches, and 12 year old sexual propositions, though tos says "over 18 only" we are the world for you-
They come-
ralahinn1 , do you have an ingame bf?
ralahinn1 do you have an ingame bf?
I think I'll return after midnight -
Sure? It's worse then,the jobless drunks and tweekers will be on-

 

by ralahinn1
11-24-17
Stand by for Actin News-
Today is Black Friday, one of the first signs of the holiday season, and the end of the year-
While most news outlets visit Santa at the northpole this time of year,we at Actin News like to be different. We sent a team out to interview "Death"-
So,you have been busy in the inner cities this year,any surprises for the end of the year?
Don't blame me for all the work done this year- I just pick them up. But,yes,there will be a few surprise guests,before year's end.
Can you give us a hint on who won't see 2018?
Where's the fun in that? You 'll have to wait like everyone else.

 

by ralahinn1
11-25-17
I don't know what's wrong with you. Every time we fly by this planet,you bring out the anal probe. Now release the creature and tell him you are sorry.
As you wish,sir.
What do you mean I'm not getting "probed"?

 

by ralahinn1
11-26-17
Stand by for Actin News-
This just in, former SNL comic, Al Frankin wants to say he's sorry for his recent mis-behavior-
We sent a crew out to meet with him-
I understand you want to apologize?
Yes, in the words of the legendary Patsy Cline, I'm sorry,so sorry...I was too young to tap dat fine azz she had..
That's not much of an apology -
Why do you think I'm no longer a comic ?

 

Can I sit on your lap, Santa ? It would be faabuulous!
by ralahinn1, 11-28-17

 

by ralahinn1
11-29-17
Stand by for Actin News-
This just in NBC has fired Matt Laur for alleged sexual misconduct.
Which made us ask what about our head reporter? We sent a team to investigate-
Don't worry Actin I tell women I'm gay.
You had me at "gay".
Aii yii yii,jackpot!
I-I mean, I have a thing for Latino men-

 

by ralahinn1
11-30-17
Accusation of sexual misconduct is not new (Genesis 39)-
Joseph,you are my husbands servant- come,lay with me-
It is because I am his servant, I can't.
The woman felt insulted, and had Joseph arrested by lying about him.
I know God will not abandon me,things will work out,if I keep faith.

 

by ralahinn1
11-30-17
What the-
Jim Nabors-surprise,surprise,surprise .
Don't worry Jim, this is not your final destination, you're going to Mayberry...'Corse,you can't be gay there.
Noooooooo!
Come on in Gomer,and have some pie. Andy and Barney should be along in a while.

 

by ralahinn1
12-02-17
I'm going to lose it if fat boy uses the whip this year-
I guess I'm lucky I'm in front,still, I don't like hauling his big azz around. Maybe replacements could help?
I'm not sure about this whole deer replacement thingumajig -
We have to do something ,sir,the deer are complaining ,it's not good. Besides,the replacements just arrived.
Whooo,I am so tingly,when will he use that whip?
And did you see the darling things the elves wear? Faabuulous! I wonder if we dress like that!

 

by ralahinn1
12-05-17
Welcome to Informational Game Show. Brought to you by Actin News-
Ok,contestant,for the prize,we will go inti final round . Which of our guests puts out more BS in a day-
-Nancy Pelosi,or an actual bull? The clock is ticking-
I say Nancy Pelosi.
Ding,ding,ding-correct! All hail the new winner!

 

by ralahinn1
12-07-17
At the annual office Christmas party-
It really doesn't feel like Christmas this year. With all the sexual misconduct charges out there,only two people are brave enough to go under the mistletoe.
Oh,let me guess-
Don we now our gay apparel !
Don we now our gay apparel !

 

If you play that darn Christmas shoes song again, I might have to come back and shoot the place up.
I hate it too,but it's on a loop. Can you just shoot the machine that plays it?
by ralahinn1, 12-10-17

 

by ralahinn1
12-10-17
Stand by for Actin News-
As part of our holiday traditions here at Actin News- we presenr "The Nutcracker"-
Enjoy-
Ok,who first?!
Me ,me!

 

I was just at Nebula Realms(a vitual world) and saw a great signature "I'm not gay,but $20 is $20 ".
by ralahinn1, 12-11-17

 

by ralahinn1
12-13-17
In Baltimore ,the murder toll is now 328.
Go Team Baltimore!
Go Team Baltimore!

 

by ralahinn1
12-21-17
-and now a word from our sponsor -
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by ralahinn1
12-22-17
-and now, a message from our sponsor-
Well,hello again. We are hearing you have many questions about our "hair restore"services,and si "habla espanole"-
Here's a testimonial from an actual client -
In my homeland,we men have mucho desires of being the man. Imagine my sadness of dating women with more hair on their lips than I had "down below".I came here,as an illegal,to get the treatments!
An' now-I live in this country and get many benefits- including feeling the breezes in my hair "down below"-
Si,you too,can be "happy" once again. Call us today for a free consultation-Ole!

 

by ralahinn1
12-24-17
Timmy's questions-
So, since I limited you more or less to one question a year,what do you have for me, Timmy?
Why is the European tradition of you having an assistant called"Black Pete" offensive -
-but a new book saying that the "real"Santa is a gay black man and a white "mall Santa" is his "husband" is good?
I think I will have to go drink a few egg nogs before answering you, Timmy, Merry Christmas.
And to you too,sir,take your time.

 

by ralahinn1
12-24-17
Round 2-
Did you drink enough eggnog,Santa ?
I'm happy enough to say I will answer your last question,when you are a little older.
Please,can I ask another question then?
In the spirit of Christmas ,you may, Timmy.
Thanks, Santa. Why do they play"Maryland, my Maryland " around Christmas ?
*hic* be right back,the eggnog calls.

 

Me waiting for Verizon to fix my internet -
by ralahinn1, 12-26-17

 

by ralahinn1
12-28-17
As Baltimore gets murder 343,Mayor Pugh comes up with a solution. A "protest"of hope in the cold-
It's going to be freezing,and she want's people to show up @ the war memorial with signs written with "words of hope".
Beats having them actually go on a "citizen's patrol" in the affected areas...
Go Team Baltimore!
Go Team Baltimore! Hit 350!

 

For the second year in a row,Orkin has named Baltimore the # 1 bed bug city in the U.S.
At least it gives people more to talk about besides the daily shootings, I guess.
by ralahinn1, 1-26-18

 

by ralahinn1
1-27-18
Stand by for Actin News-
Since the press has opened the door for the possibility that President Trump wanted to fire Muller last June,and a picture of Obama and Faracon has come out-
-we at Actin News want to stir the pot with other stories of American Presidents past.
Anyone up for the stories that Washington's teeath weren't wood or ivory ,but came from "slaves"?
No,just no.

 

by ralahinn1
1-27-18
Ok,you two, I hear you fighting.Don't make me come in there-
Bitch!
Pussy!

 

by ralahinn1
1-29-18
-And now, a word from our sponsor -
Do you need a lawyer? Give us a call! You'll speak directly with me,or my life partner-
Law partner! I mean, law partner!
You did it again, didn't you,silly?
Hope you aren't mad.It's an honest mistake,we look good together-wait! Is that camera still on?

 

Rip Mort Walker,comics will be different without you. Salute!
by ralahinn1, 1-29-18

 

Silently Judging-
It's not over yet,bahahaha
by ralahinn1, 1-29-18

 

by ralahinn1
1-29-18
Tomorrow night,President Trump will give his State of the Union address-Librial minds will be blown!
Seriously ,I will be unavailable to listen to it.
I'll probably be golfing,or visiting friends I hope the press will not get pictures of.

 

Have you heard it is now legal to deficate on sidewalks in Denver?
Hot damn,another reason to move there,first legal weed now this!
by ralahinn1, 1-30-18

 

When do we deploy the "Binky Reparations" program,sir? Nancy Peloci could have used one at your SotU last night.
I have to think up some way to give them out to those who need them with out them making an issue out of it .Do you think we should give them out at the "Super Bowl"?
by ralahinn1, 1-31-18

 

Nurse,you got to see this. Some moron put "eyebag reduction cream " on his johnson-
Not another one...want me to go in topless again?
by ralahinn1, 1-31-18

 

Brrrr,it certainly got cold here all of a sudden. Does that mean "that"memo will be released today?
by ralahinn1, 2-01-18

 

by ralahinn1
2-03-18
Here we are again, in the far-away native village,because I ask you to become an advocate for our cause-
-for such a small monthly fee,as an advocate, you can look forward to the orphans and wayward children to wish to say a few words to you-
Might some of the cleaner words be "thanks,sucker"?
Go home.

 

Somewhere in the land of yore-
Sir,we looked under the mystic stone that said "Below Me", there was nothing.
Ah,but that stone is old,and eroded, are you sure it doesn't say"Blow me"?
by ralahinn1, 2-04-18

 

by ralahinn1
2-08-18
Stand by for Actin News
Much like Swatting and You tube challenges,there seems to be something "new" happening-
Those in charge of alerts are making fake reports-
It seems to have started in Hawaii, with the report of a nuclear attack-
-and happened recently with "fake" active shooter reports. Where will it end?
We'd better hold off on this meeting,Zardan,no one will believe it.
Fine with me.You are still welcome to come up for coffee,anytime.

 

I say,Percy,did you hear that some illegals who are here under DACA say they will leave America if the program ends?
And?
by ralahinn1, 2-08-18

 

-I'm so glad I found a therapist so easy to talk to who totally gets me.
Is it me,or is the idea of talking to a stranger on a phone while sitting in Times Square nuts? What is her credentials?Besides I see the price went up $10 or so.I'd go to a real therapist
by ralahinn1, 2-11-18

 

by ralahinn1
2-12-18
Somewhere in Baltimore-
There hasn't been a murder in Baltimore in ten days,better policing?
No,the subways down,will be down a few weeks,and it's been cold lately.
Once the subway's fixed, bidness as usual?
Maybe,remember,there's no Confederate statues to trigger people in Baltimore now also.
I guess we have to wait untill "Black Panther"comes out then,so people can fight about how bad it is-
Pretty much,and once Summer comes and people get bullets,the race for the gold starts again-

 

I say,Percy,did you hear the new "Official"portraits of the Obamas are out?
-and soon Mexicans will be selling copies on velvet outside of gas stations.None for me,not even on tp.
by ralahinn1, 2-13-18

 

by ralahinn1
2-13-18
Stand by for Actin News-
Breaking news-after 12 days of no murders in Baltimore ,there was a shooting today in the city-
We sent a crew to investigate-
Whelp,it's Bidness as usual, in Baltimore once again.Guess me an'my nephew gots to go visit a few people-
Go Team Baltimore !
Go Team Baltimore -get that gold!

 

by ralahinn1
2-14-18
It's the Baltimore City Council Clown Show-
Knock-knock-
Who's there?
Not the Baltimore Police,we want to disband them.
Nyuk,nyuk,nyuk!

 

by ralahinn1
2-14-18
Honey,come up,it's time for dinner.
Can't got to wait to see which person on You Tube will say that shooting in Florida today is a "false flag"or start blaming Video Games again.

 

And now a word from Actin News-
Remember,we are Actin News- and we'll be there for you-
-unless a network,or local sports event runs over,then we'll treat you like a red-haired step child-
by ralahinn1, 2-14-18

 

by ralahinn1
2-16-18
Get ready to film the commercial,folks-
Where's that "Fly wrangler," I need him to release the flies over the village children-
Trying to get people to send more money? You may not like this-
I just flew in,where do you want him?
Him?
Oh,hell no.That thing would kill a child. I need small ones buzzing around"starving"native children-
Food?

Showing page 17.

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