All comics by AccentuateNegative

Profile

 

I just broke up with my boyfriend.
Sorry to hear that. What's next?
Let's go back to your place.
Aaaaand?
I just found a video of a guy stuffing a cactus up his ass you need to see.
I missed you so much.

 

Let's go see a movie.
What do you want to see?
How about that new slasher movie?
Nah, I don't really care for those movies.
There will be lots of hot teenaged boys getting killed while having sex...
If I wanted to see a sexy torso without a head, I'd log onto GRINDR.

 

I knew you were gay because every time you came into my Starbucks, you ordered non-fat milk with your latte.
I can totally peg people by their coffee drinks.
I can do that too...Like if a woman in front of me gets a Venti Double Chocolate Chip Blended Creme Frappuccino with whip...
I can tell she's fat.

 

Do you have a condom?
I'm clean and you're the last person I had sex with.
What's my last name?
Do you have a condom?

 

You should quit smoking.
Why?
Your voice sounds like a lesbian in the morning.

 

Show me your ass.
Sigh...ooookay.
Can you do it again, but this time, don't press it up against the camera?
I didn't. It's just that flat.

 

That hot Latino twink over there is just your type.
Yeah, but he's good friends with a guy I'm interested in.
Oh, so he's off limits for you.
Yeah, I'm going to get a drink.

 

Today is the the Marine Corps' 237th birthday.
Luckily for me, it still has the body of a 20 year old.

 

Man shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination!
We usually kneel.
But the Bible...
TECHNICALITY!

 

I started going to a traditional barber shop.
How'd you find out about it?
It's where all the lesbians go.

 

We are the hottest guys in here.
I need a prescription for beer goggles stat.
They only take cash here.
So the patrons can remind the bartenders that beer used to cost a nickel?

 

I have to leave now. I'm going on a date.
With whom?
I'll find out when I get there.

 

I need some of your wise advice before I start a relationship with the new guy I'm dating.
Me?
Yeah, I figure someone with your experience could really help me before I make a big mistake.
But you were with your last boyfriend for seven years and I've had cases of hiccups that lasted longer than my relationships.
Exactly.

 

A study by State University of New York found that semen has positive health effects.
Apparently, it has mood altering substances that make you happier whichever way it enters your body.
I'm now looking forward to my doctor giving me a shot.

 

After the Boston Bomber was apprehended, Republican Senator Lindsey Graham said the suspect should be treated as an enemy combatant, despite the fact that he is a U.S. citizen.
You might think he did that because the kid was an Islamic immigrant, but Graham has has taken positions to deny rights to citizens who are just like him...
You know, like his votes for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and gay adoptions, or his oppositions to the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. I guess he'll die a lonely bachelor.

 

The new Pope says there's a gay lobby in the Vatican.
I wouldn't know... I've never been there.
But I doubt it's limited to just one room.

 

You ever fuck that guy over there?
No.
Be right back.

 

Now that guy over there, my boy, is what you call a homosexual.
What makes you say that?
He looks like one.
Not with those shoes and THAT belt!

 

Want to pretend to come over just to watch a movie?
Why don't we pretend to just want to meet near my place for coffee?
As long as we're going out, maybe we could pretend to just get together for one drink.
Yeah, but that usually ends up with someone pretending to have one drink too many and not wanting to drive home just yet.
Could we just pretend that all we want to do is fuck?
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

 

Dear Fag: Why is it easier for gay guys to find men than it is for straight women?
Dear Cherry Center: It's because gay men love themselves...
...more than chocolate.

 

Have you done anything fun here in New York?
I took my boy to see a concert.
Oh, how cute!
How old is your boy?
37.

 

Dear Fag: Women always say they want a guy who can make them laugh, yet I'm still single despite being the funniest guy I know.
Where am I going wrong?
Dear Rubber Chicken: I can't really speak for women, but if there is one thing about a guy that always makes me smile...
It's a big, fat cock.

 

I need a new sweater.
What happened to the one you had that I liked?
Had to break up with him.

 

On this Veterans Day, I would like to say something to all the sailors and marines I have met over the years while living in San Diego...
Thank you for your service.

 

You made your bed!
I sometimes make my bed.
I've never seen your bed made.
I make it whenever I change my sheets.
You got laid last night!

 

You look great for your age.
What's your secret to looking so young, stud?
Blank stares don't cause wrinkles.

 

What are you thankful for?
Well?
Hang on, I'm trying to clean it up.

 

I'm not sure what's going on with the guy I'm dating.
What happened?
He got mad when I told him if we were to become serious boyfriends, he'd have to allow me to fuck Latino guys every now and then.
Have you guys had sex since then?
Yeah.
Sounds like he accepted the Terms & Conditions before proceeding with his next download.

 

Check out that cute twink boy over there.
That's a lesbian.
Baseball hat...
Lesbian.
Vans tennis shoes...
Cargo shorts.

 

Table for one?
Actually, I'll be sitting with him in that booth over there.
Is that your son?
No.
I'm his daddy.

 

Dear Fag: How can I tell if my husband is really gay?
Dear You're-the-Rhoda:
Do his farts smell like lube?

 

Wow.
I see him, too.
Do you think he knows I drive a Tesla?
I don't think so.
Fly, monkey, fly!

 

This is my favorite time of the year.
You're the least sentimental person I know. You hate everything about Christmas. You don't give gifts and you never decorate.
It's still magical...
College boys home for the holidays.
DING!

 

I don't know why I love the dark skinned boys so much.
How do you decide which one to go after.
I flip a coin where one side says, "Asians," and the other side says, "Latinos."
And both sides are tails.

 

Y'know, I've spent all night flirting with you and I think you have just been leading me on and have no interest in me, so I'm leaving.
Okay.
You were supposed to follow me.

 

Hey, Brad. I just wanted to let you know that your song, "Feel Free Plastic Surgery" is being used as intro music on gay twink porn.
I can give you the information if you want to do something about it.
Nah, it's free advertising, I suppose.
When was the last time you watched porn credits?

 

I was a little worried about a really bad sickness I came down with a few months ago that followed some risky behavior.
So I just took one of those home HIV tests.
And?
I might not have HIV.

 

So I'm really into this guy I've been dating. I think it's going to get serious.
You should bring him by.
You wanna check him out?
I just want to meet him...
...before I never see you again.

 

I was checking out Facebook pics of my ex boyfriend and, wow, has he let himself go.
Did he get fat?
Yeah, but worse.
What's worse than getting fat to you?
He was wearing pleated pants.

 

So what did you have in mind?
I thought we could just go back to my place and hangout...
And then fuck until a conservative bigot somewhere blames us for a natural disaster.

 

Who is that guy you were talking to?
That guy, I'll have you know, has paid more attention to my butthole than any other man in the last year.
Let me guess--he's your doctor.
Nope.
You're getting high colonics?
Waxing.

 

What are you up to?
Nothing, why?
I'm going to grab some Mexican.
Well, if you're hungry afterward, let's get some food.

 

Are you ready to get out there and butt helmets?
Well, since you put it that way...
SHOW ME YOUR GAME FACE!
I said, "GAME!" GaMe. GayMMMMuh. There's an M in there, Suzie.

 

Have you ever checked out Missed Connections on craigslist?
No.
Why not?
That's for people who make eye contact with strangers.

 

Actually, I'm a Tricerabottom.
by AccentuateNegative, 3-30-14

 

Just so you know, the brown stains on my sheets are actually from chocolate sauce.
by AccentuateNegative, 3-30-14

 

This letter looked important, so I thought I'd bring it to the door.
Thanks.
Sooo...you got a package for me?

 

What should we do next?
I'm going to the bathroom.
M'kay.
Why aren't you following me?

 

You're clean, right?
Yeah...
But you probably should have asked before you screamed, "I want your dick in my ass, now!"
Cool...good night.

 

So, it didn't work out, eh?
Yeah, in the end I guess we were attracted to each other, but just not compatible.
Like guns and Florida.
Like dancing and alcohol.
Like toilet seats and crabs.
Like Buicks and handicapped placards.

Showing page 18.

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