All comics by bigworm

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by bigworm
2-13-11
I get big hands wherever I go.
But what I really need is a lower jaw-bone!

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
As much as I gripe about getting big hands... the truth is... I'm the only performer I know of that it makes sense to give a big non-existent hand to.
After all...
... I'm the only performer around who has a big non-existent dick that I can use it with!

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
It's tough pickin' up chicks when you're in my condition...
I'm dead serious!

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
I tried 'personal ads' a couple of times...
... with varying degrees of complete failure.

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
When you look like me, you're pretty much obliged to tell the truth in a 'personal ad'... and therein lies the 'kicker'.
"Enjoy moonlight walks on the beach...
... if you carry me."

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
Don't get me wrong... I know everyone lies to some degree in their 'personal ads'.
I've done plenty of that myself. Maybe I should try a mixture of complete lies, and complete truth.
"Tall, dark, and handsome... and a real bullshitter!"

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
Somehow... I can't seem to tell lies in my 'personal ads' that get me any kind of substantial response. Even if I tell the truth/prevaricate...
... it's just not fair to her.
"Love to chew nipples, but only have 50% chew power."

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
There's an element of danger that comes with fame.
How the hell would YOU know??!!!
How about... there's some degree of notoriety associated with being a carnival freak?
You got the 'freak' part right!

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
I gave up the microphone and moved closer to my audience... and you guys heckle me!
I'm just a fuckin' FREAK, tryin' to make the best of my situation!
You shoulda' said that in the first place!!!
I get his left eye-socket!!!

 

by bigworm
2-13-11
It's obvious that none of you hecklers has ever scrapped with a skull!
You should know... I'm from the streets, and I've got 6 bad-ass teeth!
Oh No!!! We better flee for our lives...
...or he'll scrape us to death!

 

by bigworm
2-15-11
Couldn't someone take just 5 lousy minutes out of their hectic life...
... to save me?

 

by bigworm
2-15-11
So... not one person will come to my aid.
Well, when I get off this cross and it's time for me to save them...
... they're gonna' have to get down on bended knee and beg my ass to do it!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
A number of years back, there was a lot of study related to the topic of 'Speaking With Dolphins'.
"Old McDonald had a farm...
Those studies were based on the assumption that Dolphins were intelligent creatures.
Such assumptions were premature.
... e-i, e-i, o!!!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
We dolphins resent the notion that we are not intelligent just because we don't appear to care if our asses get blown off by underwater mines... (please see center panel photo)...
CENTER PANEL PHOTO-
.. because we DO care! We're just more stoic than most humans.

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
"Dear Bobby, Here's the reindeer you wanted for Christmas.
I spent so much time getting ass-fucked by Santa...
He used to be my favorite, but when he wanted to go with you...
... that getting sent to suck a pencil-dick...
... I whupped his ass off! Love, Santa.
... is like Christmas all year long!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
Are ducks the stupidest lookin' creature you ever saw?
Hell yeh!
And what about that noise they make?
That's the stupidest part of all! Like 'quoink quoink'!
Yeh... I mean like, if a duck wants to say 'quack', why do they say 'quoink'?
Obviously because they wanna' be pigs like us!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
Quack...... ....quack ...quack.
Quoink...
Give it up dude!
You're never gonna' be a pig!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
Did you hear Pig telling Duck that he'll never be a pig?
No.
He did, and it's all based on Pigs belief that ducks say "mooink mooink", instead of "mooack mooack".
What?!!
It sounds to me like Pig needs to clean his ears out!
Not to mention boning up on genetics!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
All I can say is... we're lucky to be bulls!
Hell yeh!
Tell me why again?
Well... it's because we have two pointy horns.
That's not what you said before!

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
No, listen! Having two pointy horns is the #2 reason we're lucky to be bulls!
Okay... but what's the #1 reason again?
'Cus we get to butt-fuck whoever we want?
Say what?!!
'Cus we GET to butt-fuck whoever we want!!!
Are you butt-fucking someone else?

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
Who's the leader of this Banana Republic anyway?
I am the King. In my hand is held the royal banana.
What do you call this 'banana' in MY hand?
I call that the King's royal banana.
So what's that make me?
Need you ask my Queen?

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
*How would you describe your sexual appetite?*
*I'm a pig when it comes to sex!* Anything else you want me to type?
That'll do it, thanks.

 

by bigworm
2-18-11
*So, when are we gonna' get together?* *Breakfast? Why Breakfast?*
*You bring the eggs... I'll bring the bacon.* Anything else?
That oughta' do it.
I'm there baby! I'm there!

 

Once upon a time... there was a mouse who saw two owls sitting above him in the trees!
by bigworm, 2-19-11

 

Once upon a time... there was a little girl who had a brief conversation with a fairy.
Do you munch carpet?
by bigworm, 2-19-11

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
I really appreciate you coming all the way from the far pasture to audition for the role of 'Juliet'.
But the flyer said 'Romeo'.
I'm 'Romeo'!

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
Well... you wanna' tryout for 'Juliet'?
No thanks, I really had my heart set on 'Romeo'.
Stick around... I'm thinkin' mutton for dinner!
So 'Juliet' is still open huh?

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
Yes, the part of 'Juliet' is still open.
I really don't want to be 'Juliet'.
I understand... I really don't want to be 'Romeo' either.
Well then, why don't we just switch roles?
C'mon... 'Juliet' with a beard?!!

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
Why don't we go inside and I'll show you the stage.
The stage? There's a stage?
As you can see, this is a legitimate undertaking. How are you feeling about it all now?
I'm feeling great! This is a real stage! I am so relieved! Honestly... at first I thought we were going to do it in the barn!!!................................................. oops.

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
Don't say "Oops". Loosen up! It was never my plan to do it in the barn.
I was referring to the play.
Really...
It's the beard, isn't it?
*gulp*

 

by bigworm
2-21-11
Tell me pleeze, wat duz zee wurd 'groovy' mean?
Lemme' see... ummm, like a 'butt-crack'.
Ooooh! You mean eets beeg and steenky wiz zee caca on eet?
Is your butt-crack like that?
Oui oui! If I don't wash eet for a long long time, eets like zat!
Then that's what 'groovy' means!

 

by bigworm
2-22-11
If YOU put him on the cross...
...what's there left for me to do?
You understand where I'm comin' from!??

 

by bigworm
2-22-11
I was gonna' put a dildo up her ass and make her run 'till it chaffed 'er bad!
But OH NO!!! That's not good enough for YOU!!!
You have to go and turn 'er into a pillar of fucking SALT!!!

 

by bigworm
2-23-11
WAITER!!!
Oh boy!!! Breakfast and then frisbee!
Did I say "Bone-in"?
My apologies sir!
...and 'sans collar' as well.

 

by bigworm
2-23-11
How do you get away with doing the worst shit imaginable and avoiding accountability?
What'd you say?
I said... How do you get away with doing the worst shit imaginable and avoiding accountability?
Are you listening?

 

by bigworm
2-23-11
Please?!! Can I come out now? I promise to be good!
And God gave the Devil a firm response...
... albeit runny and non-verbal.
Fuckin' ASSHOLE!

 

A lot of people don't understand that the process of creating humor involves producing copious amounts of gas as well. Ohhh... If only it was petroleum based... I'd be wealthy.
by bigworm, 2-24-11

 

by bigworm
2-25-11
Ahoy "Monkeynannerland"! Are you ready for the tourists? I am so very proud to say that my company hauled the first load of 'monkeynanners'. So, where are they?
So you're saying... you had truck-loads of 'monkeynanners' yesterday...
... but you have no 'monkeynanners' today?
Yes.

 

Sir... would you share with our viewers the effect that the raising of gas prices has had on you and your life?
You mean 'North Africa Gone Wild'? I love it! It's given me hope! I hope it means soon we'll be seeing Muslim women flashing their titties on dvd.
by bigworm, 2-25-11

 

by bigworm
2-25-11
Now remember... God loves the little children a really BIG BIG amount!!! But... he made a little boo-boo. Even though he remembered to put deviousness and foul smelling genitalia into the mix...
C'mon... try to get the whole thing in your mouth!
But I already tried... remember?
... He totally forgot about virtue. So, being such a virtuous Dude Himself, He took it upon Himself to teach all the little children...
You sure did, didn't you. Remember this though..."Keep trying! Don't stop trying! It's important to try again!"
... about living a virtuous life. As best I can recall, this was a lesson in the virtue of 'perserverance'.
I'll bet you couldn't get the whole thing in your mouth even if you tried for 6-7 hours.

 

by bigworm
2-25-11
In the beginning... God created the heavens (and 'reverse psychology').
Then he created the earth, and populated it with men, women, boys and little girls. He so loved the children... especially the little girls.
I wonder when I'll ever have the opportunity to use 'reverse psychology'.
So... He disguised His doo-hickey as a pencil, thus (and oddly so), giving birth to a new form of 'oral petition', similar to prayer, (in that it's often performed on the knees!)
I'll bet you can't get the whole eraser in your mouth!

 

by bigworm
2-25-11
Ready... ... ... ... ... Aim... ... ... ... ...
FIRE!!!................................................
DAMN!!! That's fuckin' CRAZY!!! Lemme' do another one! Lemme' do another one!
Alright, but you're gonna' have to hurry... I'm not even supposed to let you play with this stuff!

 

by bigworm
2-25-11
Hey... thanks man... for everything. Blastin' fairies was awesome. Heftin' your 'big-bore Petergun' with that 'pud-sight' scope was radical bro'!
Are you showin' me that little dick of yours on purpose man?
LITTLE!?? That's not what you said last night?
Too little for my ass!!! Ha ha ha... ha ha ha ... erkerker!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... orkieorkieork... That's not what you said last night!
That was your horns up my ass, not your dick!!! Plus I was drunk anyway! Ha ha ha ha ha ha erkerker!!!

 

by bigworm
2-27-11
This course was built on bananas. Investors have upgraded the infrastructure, in an attempt to make it 'corporate friendly'. Every native has been given a free set of clubs.
What we do with clubs?
Kill banana robbers?
Meanwhile, the natives have remained 'corporate unfreindly' and used the clubs to murder all of the foreign investors.
Me develop good swing, but clubbing very messy!
Requestum upgrade.
A spokesperson for the natives has asked that they be provided with machetes for the next go round, as the clubs make too much mess.
Hmmm... these strange eggs no good!
Ow!!! Breakum teeth!

 

by bigworm
2-28-11
I picked the guy up and took him home for a little 'chupa chupa'... you know. He started screaming like a bitch when it got bit off. I told him, "Be quiet, I have neighbors you know!"
So... did it get bit off first, and then he screamed like a bitch? Or did he scream like a bitch first, and then it got bit off? But most importantly, did he honor your request to quiet down?
Well, he was actually already screaming like a bitch before I bit it off, and no, he did not honor my request to quiet down. He started screaming even more, like I was going to kill him or something!
That clearly shows 'intent not to get along' on his part! So, do you remember what happened next?
Lemme' think... ummm... oh yeh, I'm pretty sure next is when he died of natural causes.
Happens every day. If it's okay with you, I'll just put "Death from heart-attack, perhaps during sexual relations."?

 

by bigworm
3-03-11
It happened right here at my work station...
... he came up behind me and... and... and... and said...
..."Show me your tweets."

 

by bigworm
3-03-11
What did you do after he told you to show him your 'tweets'.
What do you think I did? I cried like a baby!
Why do you think you reacted this way?
Because...!
Yes?
I don't have any... *waaahhhhh....*!!!

 

by bigworm
3-03-11
You're such a... umm... uhh.....
... uhh... a chauvinist!
Is that all?

 

by bigworm
3-04-11
Come with me and I will make you a co-star!
A movie co-star?
No... but a co-star of the stage! You'll have your own show!
What kind of show can a monkey be a co-star in?
We'll call it "The Donkey-Monkey Show"!
It's at times like this that I miss having a larger brain.

 

by bigworm
3-05-11
Did you bring the banana?
Yup.
Well... what you waitin' for?
Waitin' for?
My wooly butt ain't gonna' fuck itself!
What banana?

Showing page 18.

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