All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
7-14-05
Bzzz. Bzzz.
I used to be a pretty busy composer. Nowadays, I'm a busy decomposer!
Bzzz. Bzzz.
That's right...come a little closer, my hungry friend.
Damn, I love my Bug Zappa.

 

by umfumdisi
7-14-05
Hello there, young fella. What seems to be the problem?
Oh, voiceover guy, I have an annoying pest in my closet. It never shuts up about how great it used to be.
Have you tried traps or sprays?
Yeah, but they only help a little while. It keeps showing up every few years looking more and more scary.
Hmmmm. I think I know what to do. Throw some of these underneath the door...
David Lee Roth Balls?
Oh man! Those things are more rank than my spandex pants. See ya later, dude.

 

by umfumdisi
7-17-05
Welcome to Luxembourg! I am Grand Duke Henri. I wish you safe travel through our...
Damn it, I never get to finish my "Welcome" speech.

 

by umfumdisi
7-28-05
What's your favorite U.S. state?
Kansas.
Kansas?
Sorry... Arrrrkansas.

 

by umfumdisi
7-29-05
What seems to be the trouble, Ma'am?
The woman behind me is so loud that I can't decide what to order.
OH GOD!!! THAT IS SOOOOOO GOOD! YES! YES!! YES!!! GIMME MORE, MORE, MORE!! AHHHHHHHHHHH! Mmmmmmmmm, yeah.
Sorry, that particular dish seems to make Minnie a bit orgasmic.
In that case, I'll have whatever Driver 8.

 

by umfumdisi
7-29-05
Okay, put it in right...there.
That doesn't feel quite right.
Don't worry, that's the right hole.
I can't believe we're trying this.
It's supposed to be better this way.
Well, I literally can't see the point of Gardening At Night.

 

by umfumdisi
7-31-05
My fake plastic trees...
My iron lung...
My subterranean homesick alien...
¿Que?

 

by umfumdisi
7-31-05
You're all kind of goofy-looking, but I think I'll take Kid A.

 

Where I end and you begin.
by umfumdisi, 7-31-05

 

by umfumdisi
7-31-05
Today on Maury Povich, I talk with Roshannah Bigbie. RoHo, as her family calls her, wants to find out who's the father of her six-month-old son.
Humans are so stupid.
However, RoHo is having difficulty because she slept with 27 men while making an amateur porn film a few weeks before she became pregnant.
I can't believe they watch this crap.
27 paternity tests later...
Ooh, I bet it's the tatted-up speed freak with Hep B!

 

Mommy?!?
by umfumdisi, 7-31-05

 

Oh, Mommy!
by umfumdisi, 7-31-05

 

OH, JESUS!
by umfumdisi, 7-31-05

 

Oh... Shit.
by umfumdisi, 7-31-05

 

by umfumdisi
7-31-05
Sorry, no Jews.
Oh, hell.

 

by umfumdisi
8-08-05
Oh shit, I broke Mom's lamp!
It's alright, young one, by breaking the lamp, you have freed me from an eternal and unjust imprisonment. Thus, shall I grant you one wish.
That's great, but I wish I hadn't broken Mom's lamp.
Why do I always get the dumb ones?

 

Pardon me, are you Michael Hutchence?
No, you've mistaken me for some other suicide blonde.
by umfumdisi, 8-17-05

 

by umfumdisi
8-17-05
Hey, this model is defective. I need to exchange it.
Blew the ass out of another one, eh?

 
by umfumdisi, 8-17-05

 

by umfumdisi
8-26-05
Even the longest journey begins with a single step.
You are wise beyond your years.
People tend to point at you and frown.
Every time you take a breath, an angel dies.
You have ass cancer.
You win again, Tony. See you at 11:45.

 

Welcome to Denny's. We're cooking now.
What the fuck were you doing before?
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

Daisy Duke sure was purty, but I'd rather of had a turn with the General Lee -- know whut I mean.
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

In that Charlie Daniel's song, "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," I always liked the devil's part better than Johnny's.
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

It's hard to meet women at a cross-burning.
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

by umfumdisi
8-28-05
Beastiality ain't all it's cracked up to be.

 

...but incest shure is!
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

Deers is just too cute to shoot.
Aw, you just want some white tail.
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

There are only two types of decorative mudflaps...
Where's an assault rifle when you really need one?
How's a man s'posed to decide betwixt "Yosemite Sam" and "Nekked Lady?"
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

Charlie Daniels also sang, "The South's Gonna Do It Again." What exactly is we supposed to be doin' again ... Separatin' from The Union? Reinstitutin' slavery? We don't want that...do we?
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

A blurry photo of the infamous "Grand Dragon."
Did you really expect anything else?
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

I hate your honky ass.
by umfumdisi, 8-28-05

 

by umfumdisi
8-30-05
Today's Friday, right? I better have the gefilte fish just to be safe.
Excellent choice, my Lord. Would you care for some bread or wine?
No thanks, I brought my own.

 

by umfumdisi
8-30-05
Welcome.
Sorry.
Strip Parcheesi?

 

by umfumdisi
9-21-05
Heh, you should see their eyes bulge when I pull the speculum out of the mini-fridge.
Awesome.
What do you do to freak out your patients?
I have them douche with a combination of light rum, coconut milk, pineapple juice, and crushed ice.
And then you send the specimen out for testing?
No, man, I drink it.

 

by umfumdisi
10-11-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
Why the black eyes?
I replied that my paternal cock needed licking.

 

by umfumdisi
10-17-05
Axe ho's for pussy?

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-05
"I vant to suck your BLOOOOOD!
"I vant to suck your BLOOOOOD!
Trick or Treat!

 

by umfumdisi
10-22-05
Hi, I'm umfumdisi.
WELCOME TO STRIPCREATOR!! BEND OVER!!
Hi, I'm umfumdisi.
Say, is that cubicle back there on fire?
Here, let me save you some time.
!

 

by umfumdisi
10-25-05
Guns 'N' Roses 4ever!
Morbid Angel rulz!
I <3 Beastie Boys!
Echo and The Bunnymen, bitch!
I... AM the TRUE... KING......................... of POP!
Set phasers to... SCHMALTZ!

 

by umfumdisi
10-25-05
WELCOME TO MAKIN' BACON! WHAT DO YOU WANT ALREADY!!?!!
I'll take a BLT lightly toasted. Hold the L. And The T.
So, basically, you want a B?
Yes, and have them smoosh the bread REALLY flat so my kid can eat it.
HEY, EARL, I NEED A B FLAT MINOR!!
My work here is done.

 

by umfumdisi
11-08-05
*RING, RING*
Holy Christ! The Punch-Line!
Umfum, the monkeys are in the barrel. I repeat, in the barrel!!
I'll be over ASAP, kaufman.

 

by umfumdisi
11-08-05
Okay, I'm here. What's up?
I turned my den into a huge aquarium!
And I'm missing Oprah for this?
No, man, I turned it into a huge aquarium because I finally found those rare South Pacific salmon I've been searching for. Follow me.

 

by umfumdisi
11-08-05
EAT ME! EAT ME!
EAT ME! EAT ME!
Let's see. You ring the Punch-Line. I drive like a madman to get here. You turn your den into an aquarium. And you show me two singing fish. I just don't get it, kaufman.
C'mon, umfum. Don't you see it? They're salmon chanting, "Eat me!"

 

I'm sorry, Psoriasis. I don't love you anymore.
by umfumdisi, 11-14-05

 

Paper or plastic, my son?
by umfumdisi, 11-15-05

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-05
Go fetch, boy!!
The sad part is that I don't really exist.

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-05
This is an axe. I wanted an adze.
I've got peanut butter stuck in my hair.
I made chocolate in my pants.
I'll never be able to eat another peanut butter cup the rest of my life.

 

by umfumdisi
11-19-05
Hey, you should see my cubicles. They're pretty.
Weird. It's not often that you hear a guy talk about his office space.
Office space? Hell, no.
"Cubicles" is what I've been calling my balls since I let Picasso paint 'em.

 

by umfumdisi
11-28-05
"Es gibt diesen alten Baum dessen Wurzeln aufwärts wachsen und dessen Niederlassungen abwärts wachsen, das Brahman genannt wird."
Here we are folks with Andy Kaufman vs. Ken Kaufman in a gritty "Kaufman Leaves Town Match." Andy is walking backwards and reciting the Upanishads in German while dressed in a postal uniform. Wow!
What in the world can Ken do against such an onslaught?!?
Well, Mark, first, I'll kick him in the package and box him about the ears. Then, I'll express my contempt for his character overnight. He won't be able to handle such domestic abuse.
Also, I'll stamp around the ring and throw him into a post, Mark. Finally, I'll envelop him in my arms and deliver crushing blows that rain upon his head. That kind of licking should seal the match!

 

by umfumdisi
12-01-05
Baldy
Itchy
Tipsy
Darkie
Sucky
Palsy

Showing page 18.

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